My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@ALevelhelp

I'll let DS know, thanks *@FishyFriday*

His individual feelings are valid. Obviously.

But that doesn't mean it's useful to automatically assume that children with separated parents are The Worst Off At All Times. In fact, thinking about compensating for losses etc in this way helps no one.

This is a too technical approach tbh. The real question here is the SC's feelings and the SM's empathy. If the toddler loves Peppa pig it is just a nice thing to do? This goes back to the equality in love point. If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her.

I don't think it's as simple as "if you loved them you'd want to take them on every day out". In my own way I love my DSS, but I certainly wouldn't want this, for a very simple reason. His behaviour on days out is really challenging. He's a very hyperactive and attention seeking kid (and I say the latter with empathy because I was the same at that age, before anyone accuses me of being "vile"). These traits do not lend themselves well to days out. He is constantly, and I mean constantly, running off and beckoning people to follow. On one occasion we turned our back on him for a second somewhere very busy, and ended up looking for him for half an hour, and he'd been found by the police. We also have a toddler DD, but since he is an only child a majority of the time he has not learnt any of the natural "not being able to demand parents attention 100% of the time" lessons that you might expect from a conventional older sibling. The result is that on days out with all of us, my DP sees virtually nothing of either me or our DD, as he is required to spend it all chasing after DSS so nothing bad happens to him. Furthermore, if he ends up needing to be disciplined for this behaviour, which he usually does, the day ends with him sulking, but that's by the by really. The point is that both me and my DP admit that it is generally less enjoyable taking him on days out.

Fortunately for us, the situation also provides the perfect natural solution to this - because he is not always there. This means that we can struggle through days out with us all while he is around, and my DP can also enjoy days out with our DD and myself where he actually gets to spend any time with us. This is not something my DSS has ever needed to be troubled by, as he is simply not there to witness it and is busy doing fun things himself. We have ever gone to any major "named" attractions like Peppa Pig without him, for context, but we haven't really been on any in general.

The fact that I, and indeed my DP, don't desperately WANT to take him on every day out we go on, does not need to be the major problem it is painted as, and doesn't mean we don't love him.

They can think it's wrong of course, I can ask why because I'm genuinely perplexed why people feel the way they do about this subject. We've been over this I thought?

But you seem to think you’re the step mum spokesperson or something. You’ve obviously got up this morning and posted early and then spent the whole day trying to make people think the same as you.

I think the people who disagree with you are just thinking of the children. The children are often thrown into living with basically strangers just because their parents are dating. Then they have step siblings just because the person their parent is dating had kids before. It’s the kids that have no say in any of it, so then for step parents to feel the need to say ‘and my own kids are the priority’ just feels unnecessary when the kids have had to navigate so much already. And honestly, in most cases, it seems like the only priority the parents/step parents have are themselves, certainly not any of the kids. 😬

@Bibidy

PS. My thoughts are that all combinations should happen without drama.

Dad, SM & all kids do things together. Dad, SM & younger kids do things together. Dad & older kids do things together. Dad & younger kids do things together.

I just don't think it always needs to be managed so 'politically', for want of a better word.

I absolutely agree, I think all families should live the best they can with the situation they are in.

I just find the comparison of children in the two different scenarios insulting. It may be lovely for some children, and devastating for others. However that is due to having a son who's childhood was far from rosy, A childhood he'll never get back and a pretty shit relationship with any of his Dads side of the family. So maybe I have a very biased view of it. I just find it very tough on a lot of SM threads when SC are spoken about.

In my mind if my step children, lived with us because they didn't have their own mother or whatever then of course they would be treated in the same way as our mutual DC. There would be a mother shaped gap there that I'd absolutely fill in any way I could, but there isnt. That doesn't mean I wouldn't fight a tiger for them though.

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that really the step children are coming to spend time with their dad, so OP taking her DC out to allow them to spend time just with him isn't a bad thing at all. If she shadowed him the whole time they were there then she'd be wrong for that too.

I think the people who disagree with you are just thinking of the children
Everyone is thinking of "the children* it's just that some are thinking about their own children more in case they get lost in the "oh but the poor DSC" fog.

@KaleSlayer

They can think it's wrong of course, I can ask why because I'm genuinely perplexed why people feel the way they do about this subject. We've been over this I thought?

But you seem to think you’re the step mum spokesperson or something. You’ve obviously got up this morning and posted early and then spent the whole day trying to make people think the same as you.

I think the people who disagree with you are just thinking of the children. The children are often thrown into living with basically strangers just because their parents are dating. Then they have step siblings just because the person their parent is dating had kids before. It’s the kids that have no say in any of it, so then for step parents to feel the need to say ‘and my own kids are the priority’ just feels unnecessary when the kids have had to navigate so much already. And honestly, in most cases, it seems like the only priority the parents/step parents have are themselves, certainly not any of the kids. 😬

I'm obviously not saying it to the kids... I agree that's unnecessary.

And I'm not the spokesperson for anyone, I've only ever referred to my own situation and asked why people think it's horrible, selfish, wicked etc... When they've said as such. I've not said all people think this way or that way or this way is right and that wrong, I've only said what I do and then asked people why they feel it's wrong when they've said as such 🤷 I mean there's been 14 pages of replies so clearly there is some interest in the subject.

Again though if you think it's unnecessary to say and don't know why I posted, you don't have to be here. I've explained why, I don't know why you keep asking...

"These books are great but you do still sort of need to go out of the way to get them. In today's world, schools must know that many of the children in their classrooms have separated parents, step-parents or single parents, it would be nice if it was reflected in a bit more of a mainstream way."

Yes I do agree with that too.
I just thought I would mention it to the poster as I had a similar conversation with my friend on her child who was finding it hard to understand why his Mum and Dad weren't together and she hadn't thought about books as a way of explaining.

You’ve obviously got up this morning and posted early and then spent the whole day trying to make people think the same as you.

And if you're suggesting I've done nothing but MN today, you're right. It's been a rare free day today and I've spent it arguing with people on here, think of that what you will

To expand, SMs on here will all have been told directly or indirectly, whether in these exact words or a rough approximation an exciting selection of the following :

1. your child shouldn't exist
2. your child should be less import to his father than his half siblings because they were first
3. your parents should not be taking your children out without the step children
4. you are wrong to buy your child a new coat/shoes/whatever and not the same for your step child
5. fun must be rationed for your child because if they have too much of it without their half siblings well they are going to be cast off as adults and it will all be your fault
6. your maternity leave isn't for you and your baby, it's to provide free childcare for your husbands ex
7. the DSC shouldn't have to share a room EOW so your baby will have to sleep with you until they go to school or its not fair
8. if you have £50 to save for your child then half of that should go in your step child's account or you will damage them for life, why should your child have money your DSC doesn't

This is just off the top of my head.
Still wondering why step mum's sometimes feel they have to come out with some bold statement about their children's rights after all that lot have been slung at you?

@Thisnamewasnttaken123 @Bibidy

We do have these books but SC are still very young to associate it with their life.

I think it should be more generalised in society. Have a story where the main character happens to have separated parents, rather than the story being about the fact her parents are separated.

DSC wont even remember having parents that were together. For that reason, some of these books cause more questions and upset than others. It just all needs to be normalised in society because it is pretty normal now.

I'm obviously not saying it to the kids

But kids pick up on things. And I think it was you that said you want your child to know they are more important. For that to happen, the other kids will know they’re less important. Blended families are a nightmare and something many people just wouldn’t enter into for the kids and themselves.

@Youseethethingis
I do think SM get a lot of flack on here...can’t help think that it’s bitterness from exW often being projected.

I once got told that it was my DH fault for abandoning his family. Not the case at all. Guessing the poster must have drawing from their own experiences and put two and two together 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree @SquashedTomatoesAndStew.

@KaleSlayer

I'm obviously not saying it to the kids

But kids pick up on things. And I think it was you that said you want your child to know they are more important. For that to happen, the other kids will know they’re less important. Blended families are a nightmare and something many people just wouldn’t enter into for the kids and themselves.

I think it's important for my DC to feel they are special to me in a way that is unique to them yes, by doing the things I've explained on this thread, most of which if I remember correctly you agreed with earlier on?

I think the people who disagree with you are just thinking of the children. The children are often thrown into living with basically strangers just because their parents are dating. Then they have step siblings just because the person their parent is dating had kids before. It’s the kids that have no say in any of it, so then for step parents to feel the need to say ‘and my own kids are the priority’ just feels unnecessary when the kids have had to navigate so much already. And honestly, in most cases, it seems like the only priority the parents/step parents have are themselves, certainly not any of the kids.

We're well aware that the people who disagree are only thinking of the children, that's clear. But the people on the other side are those doing the more healthy thing of thinking about everyone, including the kids. It's ironic that you've fallen into the very kind of trap that's being challenged here by assuming that anyone that falls into that category, must be ONLY thinking of themselves. The fact that people jump to those negative conclusions, is why OP felt the need to make this thread.

@KaleSlayer

I'm obviously not saying it to the kids

But kids pick up on things. And I think it was you that said you want your child to know they are more important. For that to happen, the other kids will know they’re less important. Blended families are a nightmare and something many people just wouldn’t enter into for the kids and themselves.

But they also know they have their own actual mother who they are number one to. And that's okay.

You're presuming these children want or expect someone to mother them. Many don't.

Mine didn't. The only time I actively mothered him was when he didn't and he needed it. Had he needed me all the time I'd have stepped up, but he didn't and doesn't because he's got a mum.

You're looking at this from a weird angle.

I think it's important for my DC to feel they are special to me in a way that is unique to them yes, by doing the things I've explained on this thread, most of which if I remember correctly you agreed with earlier on?

I wouldn’t necessarily do things the same as you but you definitely don’t sound wicked or selfish. I think people who say that don’t really understand what those terms mean.
Personally I think blended families aren’t a great way for children to grow up. The ones I’ve seen are generally full of problems, resentment and jealousy and that usually stems from how the parents parent.

Was when his mother didn't

But the people on the other side are those doing the more healthy thing of thinking about everyone, including the kids. It's ironic that you've fallen into the very kind of trap that's being challenged here by assuming that anyone that falls into that category, must be ONLY thinking of themselves. The fact that people jump to those negative conclusions, is why OP felt the need to make this thread.

Just what I’ve seen in real life. Adults are very good at dismissing kids feelings when they want something.

Just what I’ve seen in real life. Adults are very good at dismissing kids feelings when they want something

I've heard lots of stories of this happening in the wider world but honestly don't think many such people are on Mumsnet. Most on here, whatever their opinion, are generally considerate of children or at least put a lot of thought into matters concerning them.

@KaleSlayer

But the people on the other side are those doing the more healthy thing of thinking about everyone, including the kids. It's ironic that you've fallen into the very kind of trap that's being challenged here by assuming that anyone that falls into that category, must be ONLY thinking of themselves. The fact that people jump to those negative conclusions, is why OP felt the need to make this thread.

Just what I’ve seen in real life. Adults are very good at dismissing kids feelings when they want something.

Yes because your experiences are representative of all step parents.

Many children who live in the resident household will have seen their parents divorce, and will also be NR / "visiting' children in a different house. And even children who live with both parents may find it confusing and upsetting to share their dad with his older children when they aren't there all the time. But as usual on these kinds of threads, there are many people who only consider the NRPs children from the first family to be from a 'broken home' and need to be treated with kid gloves so they don't feel left out or special enough.

Well I was a stepchild at a time when maintenance wasnt a thing or contact organised via court. Its only now i am an adult I realised my Dad was the issue as he buggered off and left my mum with three kids under 8. He focussed on his women, many other kids he had and ignored us. However we did have a relationship of sorts as my grandparents ( his parents) were a constant in our life. He eventually settled with a new woman, had a baby and me and my sister would visit. His partner was not a step mum. didnt view her as such, my half sibling is one i have zero relationship with. My issues are not related to my 'step mum' i have issues due to a father who didnt care enough to maintain regular contact, turned contact into an opportunity to show off with his money and slag off my mum. So we can go on about step mums however the primary issue is the dad ...... its all great to have a good one but kids want there parents. I had a fabulous step father but it was my relationship with my dad thay damaged me most and affected who i became as an adult

I've heard lots of stories of this happening in the wider world but honestly don't think many such people are on Mumsnet. Most on here, whatever their opinion, are generally considerate of children or at least put a lot of thought into matters concerning them.

Same as most people on here and in real life don’t go around calling step parents wicked or selfish as long as they’re kind and fair. Most people appreciate that parenting can be hard.