Page 6 | DP agreeing to things without talking to me first

656times · 07/05/2021 04:32

Yanbu OP.

Dh taking you for granted!

I’d start a hobby and get myself out of the house and away from the wifework. Let him deal with it. Vagina ownership does not equal domestic drudge.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 06:37

@Midlifemusings oh fgs, what a ridiculous comment.

Onlinedilema · 07/05/2021 06:50

Op you need to tell your oh that he cooks a separate meal for his child if the child needs / wants it. My dh did all the cooking for everyone whenever my step children visited.
However his child should come first. Always. My ex married a horrendous woman who refused to provide a meal of any kind what so ever for my children. She also refused point blank to have my children in her house if her own child tree n had gone to their fathers. As my ex went along with this my dcs are now nc with their father. They have zero respect for him and detest her.

Hotankles · 07/05/2021 06:53

My ex would have the kids full time if he could. He misses them dearly. He finds it hard to stick to formal arrangements and will find any excuse to pick them up from school or spend time with them - which I get. I think it’s a mixture of missing them and guilt which you shouldn’t underestimate. He may find it strange to almost have to ask your permission to have his own kids.

My ex’s girlfriend struggled with this as she has a very ridged system with her ex and child. I think she got pissed off when her child was at their dads then my ex rolled up with our kids in the car or cancelled nights away because the kids wanted to see him. I actually had her on the phone one evening after they had a row over it. Funnily enough she had the impression it was me that was forcing it - it was definitely not!

RachelRaven · 07/05/2021 07:01

My god this is ridiculous! Op you are not at all unreasonable! The set up us inconvenient, involves a lot of running around for him and sounds like it is done to keep maintenance unchanged for her:

Also this

I think the biggest stress about it all for me is the eating. I do the food shop and cook but DSS will regularly reject what I've made. DP will quite often ask (politely) whether I'd be happy to make something else. If DSS is coming for dinner nearly every day then that is likely to end up causing me a pretty big headache!
What the actual fuck?!?!! Your partner asks YOU to make another meal for da when he wont eat it?!?! Why doesnt he? You do all the cooking?! All?! And he doesnt even do the housework?!

Youre working from home, not watching tv all day. Youre working. Your time is as important as his.

I would absolutely say youve no issue with das coming over for tea but the workload needs to be split. On the nights he has dss, dp does the cooking for everyone. And he also cleans up after him.

Coffeepot72 · 07/05/2021 08:38

Totally agree @RachelRaven - all the coming and going is just mad. It sounds like the ex wants the child out the house as much as possible, just as long as he sleeps at her house, to ensure no changes to maintenance. Surely the 'eating dinner' part of the evening, is the element which costs money, rather than sleeping.

Starseeking · 07/05/2021 09:15

The thing about your DP expecting you to make extra meals because his DS doesn't fancy what you've made resonates with me. My DP used to do this, then get cross when I wouldn't rustle up pizza and chips because his DS wanted that.

My DP now does all the cooking whenever DSS stays with us, but I know he has told family members that I refuse to cook for his DS, when the reality as that I was making meals from scratch that his DS didn't want to even try, because he only ever ate beige food at his DM's. Yet another reason why I'm leaving him.

Don't get sucked into a similar dynamic OP. If your DP wants his DC to eat something other than the perfectly reasonable meals you are cooking, he can make it himself, or better still, he can cook for you all initially, instead of just pandering to his DS.

FishyFriday · 07/05/2021 09:32

@Starseeking

The thing about your DP expecting you to make extra meals because his DS doesn't fancy what you've made resonates with me. My DP used to do this, then get cross when I wouldn't rustle up pizza and chips because his DS wanted that.

My DP now does all the cooking whenever DSS stays with us, but I know he has told family members that I refuse to cook for his DS, when the reality as that I was making meals from scratch that his DS didn't want to even try, because he only ever ate beige food at his DM's. Yet another reason why I'm leaving him.

Don't get sucked into a similar dynamic OP. If your DP wants his DC to eat something other than the perfectly reasonable meals you are cooking, he can make it himself, or better still, he can cook for you all initially, instead of just pandering to his DS.

That's similar to what happens here. Tbh, I DO now refuse to cook for the DSC. It's my H's responsibility to cook for his children, not mine.

I got fed up with the stress over what to cook, the fuss and sulking and bad behaviour ruining every meal, me being scapegoated because the DSC hadn't just eaten the meal, and so on. His children's fussy eating (and it's often not fussiness but just refusing to eat MY food because they know their dad will get annoyed at me) is his problem. I cook for my children, me and even H. But I will no longer cook for the DSC because of their father's behaviour and attitude.

I think in step parenting people far too often jump straight to 'that awful woman who won't do x for the SC' and don't consider why she isn't doing it. Many times there's an entitled, lazy NRP whose behaviour and attitude has led to the situation. But, as always, it's easier to blame the SM.

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 10:02

@Midlifemusings

So if both parents have partners who should make the decision about when the child is allowed in the home - where does the child go on days they are not wanted by either parent's partner?

For those of you insistent that it is the partner's home and they should not be inconvenienced in their own home by a child - who feeds and houses that child?

If the partner's schedule is to be prioritized over the child, who cares for the child?

I find this viewpoint that if you marry someone with a child, the child should not factor into the decision making made by the partner to be a very odd view. I am there are a few people on this thread with live in nannies - who themselves are never inconvienced by their own children. They live their life as they wish and call for their children if they wish to see them here and there.

A single parent can definite cohabit but they should only cohabit with someone who accepts that the child will be part of their lives and welcome in the home. Cohabiting with someone who sees your child as an unwelcome inconvenience and that they should only allowed over if the partner has no other plans and feels it is a suitable time for them, is the wrong person to cohabit with.

It is odd to me that a parent prioritizing their own child over a girlfriend or new partner is seen as controversial and that many on here feel the new girlfriend or boyfriend should be the priority.

It's not about battling to be the priority, just about having the common courtesy to speak to your partner about arrangements which affect them and their home with you, particularly if it involves you having to do extra work, as is the case for OP here.

Also interesting that OP is getting so much stick here for 'not welcoming' the child yet there little concern that this boy's mum is now sacking him off almost every single evening of the week and the whole of every other weekend...surely that is far less welcoming than OP asking to be informed before these plans were made!

bogoffmda · 07/05/2021 17:49

I do not expect my DP to have to ask my permission for his DCS to stay in their home.
They are welcome whenever - the concept they they can only come on certain days and everything else is inconvenient is alien to me. The belief that he should check with me, I find offensive.

ElderMillennial · 07/05/2021 17:52

But why would any parent ask a spouse or partner if their children can come home?

It's normal. One parent would ask the other. If the NRP wanted to change the arrangement and take child to RP home a day early, would you expect them not to ask and just turn up a day early, assuming the other parent will adapt? No of course you wouldn't. Both parents get a day in when they have their child.

I don't see why the step parents would not be expected to have a say too?

SickOfCrap · 07/05/2021 18:19

My house my rules. Tell me s(&(^&( first. Simple like that!

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 18:29

People are way too hung up on asking being a matter of "permissiom". It's much simpler than that, it's just about courtesy and discussion. It's something nuclear families don't usually have to think about because the children are always there by default. It's a dynamic that is quite specific to step families, yet so many separated parents seem to jump to feeling defensive about whose "home" it is rather than understanding the position they are in as a seperated parent in a new relationship, which really isn't necessary. It's not so that the step parent can say no, it's so that they are kept abreast of the logistics and able to express any practical considerations that need to be made, such as the parent being aware they will need to do x, y and z, rather than assume their partner's willingness and availability for childcare.

I really don't understand why it is so difficult for some to accept their need to be courteous when entering into a new relationship when they have kids. Not "ask permission", just be polite and inclusive about things that have an impact on the whole household.

RUOKHon · 07/05/2021 18:33

The reason you’re uncomfortable with the lack of discussion is because it actually speaks to a complete lack of boundaries with his ex.

It’s all very well him not minding bending to his ex’s every request, but if that’s how he wants to run it, he should stay single or at least not move in with somebody.

If you’re a single parent and you want to live with a partner, you have to factor them into the dynamic. Completely ignoring their opinion, wants or needs when it comes to negotiations with the ex over childcare is a recipe for resentment.

I fucking hate it when DH makes decisions with his ex about the DSCs which impact me and doesn’t have the courtesy to even mention it to me. It makes me feel like I’m just a prop to enable his family life.

There have been plenty of times over the years where I’ve been told after the fact that the DSCs are coming and it’s mean extra work (even if it’s just mental load) for me and sometimes that is unwelcome and inconvenient. But if I ever say anything to that effect, it’s all ‘you resent them being here’. Not true. I resent being treated like I’m invisible.

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 19:12

@bogoffmda

I do not expect my DP to have to ask my permission for his DCS to stay in their home. They are welcome whenever - the concept they they can only come on certain days and everything else is inconvenient is alien to me. The belief that he should check with me, I find offensive.

I would never say no to my DP if he said his children were coming on X day, so it's not about him getting my permission. But it's courtesy, the same way I would let him know my parents were coming...he wouldn't say no but it's his home too so he should know what's going on. There are some things in life where you need to at least let your partner feel like they are being included, even if you both know they don't have the casting vote.

And I completely agree with ElderMillennial above, that my DP always agrees with his ex when he will get the kids and bring them back, he doesn't just randomly show up with them or drop them back with no prior discussion, so not sure why we shouldn't get that same courtesy as the person who shares their home.

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 19:16

There have been plenty of times over the years where I’ve been told after the fact that the DSCs are coming and it’s mean extra work (even if it’s just mental load) for me and sometimes that is unwelcome and inconvenient. But if I ever say anything to that effect, it’s all ‘you resent them being here’. Not true. I resent being treated like I’m invisible.

Exactly, and also it's rare that the parent is just letting you know so you're aware and not expecting any kind of input/change of plans from your side.

As I have said, my DP does not do this to me. He always speaks to me about any out-of-the-ordinary arrangements with the children, such as time in the school holidays. This is out of courtesy but also because he wants me involved. He wouldn't be happy for me to just be out and about doing my own thing or away when his children are here, so therefore he has to consult me beforehand anyway.

Hotankles · 07/05/2021 22:44

Bibidy so you would ask your DP if he minded if your kids came over - just out of courtesy?

Can you imagine if a women posted - ‘I’m NR parent. If my kids come over any extra I have to ask my DP first if he minds. He says I should just ask out of courtesy but it irritates me that I can’t just have my kids with me when I want with out asking first’

I’d think she would get a much different response, such as he’s controlling LTB.

I cannot ever imagine asking a partner if they minded if I have my own kids.

And no it’s really not like having your parents to stay 🥴

Hotankles · 07/05/2021 22:49

^As I have said, my DP does not do this to me. He always speaks to me about any out-of-the-ordinary arrangements with the children, such as time in the school holidays. This is out of courtesy but also because he wants me involved. He wouldn't be happy for me to just be out and about doing my own thing or away when his children are here, so therefore he has to consult me beforehand anyway*

He sounds a bit co dependant tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 22:49

@Hotankles

Bibidy so you would ask your DP if he minded if your kids came over - just out of courtesy?

Can you imagine if a women posted - ‘I’m NR parent. If my kids come over any extra I have to ask my DP first if he minds. He says I should just ask out of courtesy but it irritates me that I can’t just have my kids with me when I want with out asking first’

I’d think she would get a much different response, such as he’s controlling LTB.

I cannot ever imagine asking a partner if they minded if I have my own kids.

And no it’s really not like having your parents to stay 🥴

... No I would still say that's a perfectly reasonable thing for him to say to her and she is being defensive and ridiculous.

Starseeking · 07/05/2021 23:12

I'm pretty sure it's not about asking permission, as some posters seem to be implying.

It's more about including the other people who live in the house in what is being planned before the event, rather than after.

With my DP, it seems he doesn't know how to frame it, so instead of a quick, "oh EXW asked me if we could have DC next weekend, are we doing anything?" The first I hear of it is when DSS turns up on a Friday night! It shows a complete lack of consideration or thought about the other people he lives with, and our home. If our DC are going to stay over with their GP, I don't just disappear with them, I'll mention GP have asked if DC can stay, to check if that works for him. I don't expect him to say no, and again, I'm not asking for permission, it's really just common courtesy.

Hotankles · 07/05/2021 23:14

aSofaNearYou so really it’s up to the partner if a parent can have their own kids over?

Wow.

Hotankles · 07/05/2021 23:15

@Starseeking

I'm pretty sure it's not about asking permission, as some posters seem to be implying.

It's more about including the other people who live in the house in what is being planned before the event, rather than after.

With my DP, it seems he doesn't know how to frame it, so instead of a quick, "oh EXW asked me if we could have DC next weekend, are we doing anything?" The first I hear of it is when DSS turns up on a Friday night! It shows a complete lack of consideration or thought about the other people he lives with, and our home. If our DC are going to stay over with their GP, I don't just disappear with them, I'll mention GP have asked if DC can stay, to check if that works for him. I don't expect him to say no, and again, I'm not asking for permission, it's really just common courtesy.

Totally different situation.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 07/05/2021 23:37

@thewhiterabbit1 has not been back in days and yet you are all still arguing over it!!!

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2021 23:49

@Hotankles

aSofaNearYou so really it’s up to the partner if a parent can have their own kids over?

Wow.

JFC you even said in your own post your fictional husband only wanted her to ask about it out of courtesy, yet you still think it's about them wanting to have final say over the decision? You can't make that kind of bull headedness and determination to twist things up.

Starseeking · 08/05/2021 00:19

@thewhiterabbit1

I was wondering whether other people's DP's agree to having their DC's more without mentioning it to you first?

Before I get flamed, I like my DSS a lot so it's not that I object to him coming over more at all.

We have DSS every other weekend and one, sometimes two evenings for dinner every week. DP told me last night that he has agreed to have DSS on a Tues and Thurs every week for dinner, on top of the Wednesday (and usually Monday) he has him for dinner already.

I have no issue with this, I'm just wondering whether he maybe should have mentioned it to me first before saying yes to his ex?

@Hotankles it's exactly the same. Reread the OP, she asked if anyone's DP mentioned it to them before going back to say yes. I agreed with her that my DP bypasses me too, and it is extremely annoying. Not because I'd ever say no, and not because I expect him to seek permission, but because it is clear that he has absolutely no consideration for me and the fact that I live here, so I should at least be made aware of what's going on in our house before it actually happens.

(And yes, I am ending the relationship once our house is sold).