Page 3 | DP agreeing to things without talking to me first

thewhiterabbit1 · 2021-05-05T07:18:09+00:00

I was wondering whether other people's DP's agree to having their DC's more without mentioning it to you first? Before I get flamed, I like my DSS a lot so it's not that I object to him coming over more at all. We have DSS every other weekend and one, sometimes two evenings for dinner every week. DP told me last night that he has agreed to have DSS on a Tues and Thurs every week for dinner, on top of the Wednesday (and usually Monday) he has him for dinner already. I have no issue with this, I'm just wondering whether he maybe should have mentioned it to me first before saying yes to his ex?

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 13:49

This is why it's really important you are very clear on what the issue is.

DP if you want me to carry on shopping and cooking then I need to be informed ASAP to charges of plans!!

It also does sound like you are unhappy with the peer dynamic which is a separate conversation to have .

Honestly I think you need to review whether you have fallen into the wifework role - are you now doing the bulk of the shopping, cooking, laundry, thinking, planning for the family unit? If so stop!! He has time to work, coach (his hobby?), run around collecting and dropping off - is this because you are facilitating it all? Don't set a precedent it's a slippery slope.

paralysedbyinertia · 05/05/2021 13:50

I think it's your dss's home, so it is not like having a visitor. You say that DP doesn't need to ask your permission, but if you want him to "give you the heads up" specifically before agreeing to any arrangements, that does actually sound like he needs to check with you first. Otherwise, why can't he just agree and then let you know afterwards?

I do get that it must be irritating, but I think it goes with the territory if you choose to be in a relationship with someone who is a parent. Their kids should always be welcome in their homes without question.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:50

@Triffid1 I explained I worded my initial post incorrectly. I have never expected him to ask my permission for anything, ever.

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 05/05/2021 13:51

You dp needs to take some turns at cooking as well ,it shouldn't always fall on you

worriedatthemoment · 05/05/2021 13:52

Im not even working currently , my dh works fall time but he cooked the dinner last night

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 05/05/2021 13:54

Time for DP to start doing some dinners, I think.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 13:54

@paralysedbyinertia

I think it's your dss's home, so it is not like having a visitor. You say that DP doesn't need to ask your permission, but if you want him to "give you the heads up" specifically before agreeing to any arrangements, that does actually sound like he needs to check with you first. Otherwise, why can't he just agree and then let you know afterwards?

I do get that it must be irritating, but I think it goes with the territory if you choose to be in a relationship with someone who is a parent. Their kids should always be welcome in their homes without question.

I think he does need to check with OP though when she is the one doing all the cooking and shopping for his child - who, as OP has said, is relatively fussy so not like just requiring an extra portion of whatever they are having. If he takes all of that over for his son, then there would be less need to check!

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 13:54

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@Triffid1 I explained I worded my initial post incorrectly. I have never expected him to ask my permission for anything, ever. [/quote]
So you'll be happily preparing dinner for you and DP and then, 10 minutes before, discover that DSS is coming over? In which case, of course that's not okay. But a I think I said in an earlier post, your DP needs to be prepared to do any adapting if necessary if last minute decisions of this sort are made.

As teens and early 20s, my parents did not expect us to be home/not be home at set times but they DID expect us to inform them in plenty of time if we were / were not going to be home for dinner on the basis that they didn't want to waste food / not have enough food. A similar approach should be in play here. And if preparing meals for your fussy DSS is an issue (which is fair enough - he's not your DS), then your DP should be stepping up to prepare meals on those days if necessary.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:55

Thanks for all of your opinions!

Just to clarify one more time, I never meant that DP needed to ask my permission to have DSS more, I just would have appreciated having been told about it in advance rather than it being dropped on me on the day the new routine starts.

I do the cooking every day, and DSS is coming for dinner every night now. Fine, but it is left to me to sort out what food to buy, and what to cook each day. DP doesn't really have any input with that.

I do also most do the housework etc so more mess = more for me to do. I work full time.

Hopefully I've explained myself better now, for those who think I don't want my DSS over

OP posts:

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 05/05/2021 13:56

And, if you have to pause working to move rooms when your SS arrives home from school, then it does affect you. Is your DP at home too when your SS arrives or are you in loco parentis?

SpaceOp · 05/05/2021 14:01

Your issue is not that your DSS is coming over. It's that your DP seems to be oblivious to the work involved in having DSS there - in terms of cooking, cleaning, planning, shopping etc - and is quite happy to leave it to you. So it's a DP issue and you need to make it clear to him that he needs to step up and pick up some of this slack. That might be doing more of the cooking/meal planning, more of the cooking etc. And absolutely, he should be letting you know that you might need to change work rooms, FFS.

paralysedbyinertia · 05/05/2021 14:03

I think he does need to check with OP though when she is the one doing all the cooking and shopping for his child - who, as OP has said, is relatively fussy so not like just requiring an extra portion of whatever they are having. If he takes all of that over for his son, then there would be less need to check!

I don't think he needs to check, but I also don't think he should assume that the OP will be doing any of the work to facilitate this.

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 14:03

@thewhiterabbit1 I actually have a lot of sympathy for you now that I fully understand.
You sound like you're doing lots for them both and sound very accommodating!

The fact that your DSS is wanting to come for dinner every night says a lot. Maybe his mum isn't quite as accommodating with his fussiness and making him special meals (not a bad thing or a criticism of the mum).

I think the conversation should be more about DP stepping up and doing more of the cooking (and chores in general) as well as giving you more notice. Depending on DSS's age he could maybe be helping more too, tidying up after dinner, doing dishes etc

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 14:06

So understandably you are feeling taken for granted already!!

DP agrees whatever and no consideration to the impact on you both in wifework and the impact on you WFH.

Seriously put your foot down on shopping/cooking/housework etc. You should only be doing a maximum of 50% arguably less as DP should be doing DSS share but that's a bit extreme.

Coffeepot72 · 05/05/2021 14:14

Blimey OP, that's quite a lot extra, not just a one off. I would definitely have expected to be consulted.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 14:16

@paralysedbyinertia

I think he does need to check with OP though when she is the one doing all the cooking and shopping for his child - who, as OP has said, is relatively fussy so not like just requiring an extra portion of whatever they are having. If he takes all of that over for his son, then there would be less need to check!

I don't think he needs to check, but I also don't think he should assume that the OP will be doing any of the work to facilitate this.

But by default, he knows OP will be doing a lot of the work for these extra days because he knows that she cooks dinner every single day.

He's now put her in the position of either having to just suck it up and do all the extra work OR make an issue out of it by refusing to do the thing she usually always does because it now involves his son - which is likely to make him defensive and cause a row.

Whereas if he had just consulted OP beforehand, it wouldn't have been so heated and she could have said it was fine as long as he didn't mind doing a few dinners/shopping during the week as well. So fairer expectations were set from the start.

paralysedbyinertia · 05/05/2021 14:18

Yes, better communication would be good, but ultimately, the OP might have to stop doing some of the grunt work in order to make her point that he cannot take this for granted.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 14:20

It's not like he's come back and said to her "Oh btw, DS will now be coming Tuesdays and Thursdays, as well but don't worry, I will sort all the shopping and dinners for these days". He hasn't.

He has just told her that her SS is now coming Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday, knowing that it involves a whole load more work for her, and not offered to step in with any of it.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 14:22

@paralysedbyinertia

Yes, better communication would be good, but ultimately, the OP might have to stop doing some of the grunt work in order to make her point that he cannot take this for granted.

I do agree with this, but I appreciate it's easier said than done as I've been there myself. If I put my foot down about doing something for my DP's kids that I generally always do otherwise, it would, at the very least, cause an atmosphere from his side.

It's difficult as step-parents can end up in situations like this so often and it's so hard to sort it out when your partner makes arrangements like this without considering the effect on you or increased workload.

YoniAndGuy · 05/05/2021 14:25

I think the biggest stress about it all for me is the eating. I do the food shop and cook but DSS will regularly reject what I've made. DP will quite often ask (politely) whether I'd be happy to make something else. If DSS is coming for dinner nearly every day then that is likely to end up causing me a pretty big headache!

I do also most do the housework etc so more mess = more for me to do. I work full time.

You've definitely explained yourself just fine

The issue here, then, is that your entitled DP seems to have drafted in a wifey, once his first one malfunctioned, to do the shitwork and take on the headaches of parenting like the mess and the fussiness, so that he can get on with coaching footy teams and playing Disney dad?

How about something radical... your DP takes on the ACTUAL responsibility for HIS son - no, not just the picking up and dropping off and ruffling his hair... the thinking ahead on making time to go to the shop to pick up extra chicken nuggets as they're the only thing he'll eat, and factoring in cleaning-up time after visits so that the other adult who LIVES in the house doesn't have to work in a shit tip or do it all herself?

Lol at 'politely' (you're really busting a gut here to make him sound not such a lazy using shit, OP...)

'Oh DS doesn't like X. Would you mind terribly running off to the kitchen, Maid, and cooking His Highness something else?'
'Oh, sorry! No can do. Just off out myself, actually, and there's nothing else here... if only I'd been kept in the loop on dinner plans! Guess you'll have to actually feed your own son - I'm so sorry'

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2021 14:25

Hmmm.....if my child lived part time between my house and his dads, I'd let him come stay as many nights a week as he wanted. I wouldnt accept being dictated to by my new partner on how often my own child comes to their other home.

paralysedbyinertia · 05/05/2021 14:26

@Bibidy

It's not like he's come back and said to her "Oh btw, DS will now be coming Tuesdays and Thursdays, as well but don't worry, I will sort all the shopping and dinners for these days". He hasn't.

He has just told her that her SS is now coming Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday, knowing that it involves a whole load more work for her, and not offered to step in with any of it.

Yes, I get what you're saying, but then, I think the OP asked the wrong question.

She asked if her DP should talk to her before agreeing to have his son more often. I don't agree that he should have to check, because he is the child's father. The kid should be welcome in his home whenever.

If she had asked whether her DP should check with her in advance as to whether she is willing to cook for his ds on those extra days, or whether he should be offering to cook instead, then I would have agreed with her.

My point is, it isn't the not checking about dss coming that's a problem. It's the assumption that the OP will suck up the extra work.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2021 14:27

Ok just seen the food thing.

Easy - every meal dss is there, dh cooks. Alternatively he could pull his child up on manners and accepting the lovely meal you made.

ihavenowords30 · 05/05/2021 14:28

Imagine the SC just being dropped off at 11pm when dads I'm work and I'm in bed getting phonecalls to open the door 🙈 that was my life last night!

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 14:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Hmmm.....if my child lived part time between my house and his dads, I'd let him come stay as many nights a week as he wanted. I wouldnt accept being dictated to by my new partner on how often my own child comes to their other home.

But if you were expecting your new DP to cook for your DC would you at least let him know in advance?!

My initial reaction was identical to yours @Bernadette but I've now gone full circle!

She's not dictating when he can and can come. She's making him welcome at anytime and going out her way to make him special dinners etc. She just wants to know in advance when to expect him