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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP agreeing to things without talking to me first

177 replies

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 08:18

I was wondering whether other people's DP's agree to having their DC's more without mentioning it to you first?

Before I get flamed, I like my DSS a lot so it's not that I object to him coming over more at all.

We have DSS every other weekend and one, sometimes two evenings for dinner every week. DP told me last night that he has agreed to have DSS on a Tues and Thurs every week for dinner, on top of the Wednesday (and usually Monday) he has him for dinner already.

I have no issue with this, I'm just wondering whether he maybe should have mentioned it to me first before saying yes to his ex?

OP posts:

Sillysandy · 05/05/2021 08:22

He did at the beginning and it was a problem for me. Can you tell us more about your circumstances? I assume you're living together. How long? How do you get on with the ex? Etc

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 08:30

@Sillysandy We've lived together around a year, been together for 3.

I get on reasonably ok with his ex, but she does cause problems if he says no to her for whatever reason.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 08:37

Soooo if he is coming so often when isn't it just split to 50:50 care so everyone knows where they stand??

Sillysandy · 05/05/2021 08:42

Has this been raised with your DP before OP? Have you said "I am happy your son is coming but given we now live together I think I should be part of the discussion"?

If not, then I don't see the harm in saying it now.

Do you think he would react badly?

AmbientLighting · 05/05/2021 08:48

Yes he should discuss it with you. It's your home and your life too.

Bimblingaway · 05/05/2021 09:03

Yes, he should absolutely discuss it with you prior to agreeing anything. You live there too, you have a say.

I would make my feelings known now because god knows what he'll agree to in the future without discussing it with you.

CornishGem1975 · 05/05/2021 09:09

Oh god, this boils my piss completely. I have no issue with them coming but I expect it to be discussed up front as it's my home too, and if it's a long term arrangement it needs proper thought about how it works for everyone. This goes for my own DC too, not just his.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 09:15

I can discuss things with DP usually but when it involves DSS he immediately gets on the defensive and it's not quite so easy. I think his thought is well he's my son so of course I'm going to agree to having him more.

OP posts:

Qwertyyui · 05/05/2021 09:19

My DH talks to me first. We have to plot contact around his weird shifts so never constant nights with his 2. They fit in around when I have my child and he can do school runs. At the start he made decisions without me. After we discussed it the first time he quickly realised a happy wife means a happy life. But then if he made plans on my child free time then I would leave him to parent and go do my own thing. Seems to work for us but then we are sometimes 2 families doing different things to ensure a good flow for all involved. His kids need time alone with him mine needs time alone with me x

purplebagladylovesgin · 05/05/2021 09:55

my views might be a bit different, and I appreciate it is the process of blending families.
But why would any parent ask a spouse or partner if their children can come home?

It wouldn't have occurred to me to check they can come home, and my husband was the same. If you are saying it's their home, then they are free to move in and out as they need. If you start putting barriers up, it's makes it difficult for them to view it as a home rather than 'X's house'.

Our house was always a tumble of children, some decided to come, others not because they were seeing friends. I can't remember a time ever, that they weren't collected within an hour if they needed to be here, or a time when we'd discuss 'extra time'.

You wouldn't call your husband from a day out and ask if you could come home. It's already your home. Same applies to children.

There may be a different slant on this if the children are not asking but it's the ExW. But children should be allowed to migrate freely between homes, always if it's their choice.

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 10:00

Perhaps you need to approach it that you absolutely happy with him coming over whenever in principle but you would just like him to run it by in case there are plans he has forgotten about or he'll need to get extra in for dinner and so you feel you have an equal say in your home rather than you live in his home?

It is different when you are the parent it seems alien to ever think of it as a big deal to have your child over.

Presumably when DSS is there you aren't expected to be the one cooking/cleaning/looking after him because if that's the case nip it in the bud you aren't the unpaid nanny/housekeeper to step up without being asked.

Sillysandy · 05/05/2021 10:03

It's a tricky one OP, I do sympathise but as the other posters have alluded to if you set a precedent now of you being overlooked then you don't know where it will lead.

You need to tackle this firmly and carefully. Sit down, have a chat when you're both relaxed. Talk about plans for the future, I would suggest keeping to neutral topics here; work, where you live, places you'd like to visit. Discuss how you think it's been going living together. Really listen to what he's saying. He could be terrified that by moving you in, he's downgrading his relationship with his child.

Tell him your fears; that you are being sidelined as his girlfriend and expected to fall in with arrangements that everyone else makes. Reassure him how much you want his son there but if you're part of it all then you should be consulted.

If both of you have a different 'vision' eg. he wants you to live there but not really be an involved partner and you don't want that then you are in trouble.

I would say talk it out and if you don't feel that your expectations are aligned after then reconsider your living arrangements. This doesn't have to be the end of the road. It might work better for you to have a boyfriend who is focused on you when he's with you and not stressing he is neglecting his relationship with his son.

But hopefully it doesn't come to that and you can figure out how to live together in a way that everyone feels appreciated.

Mamamamasaurus · 05/05/2021 10:09

@RandomMess

Soooo if he is coming so often when isn't it just split to 50:50 care so everyone knows where they stand??

I considered this but I'm fairly sure that DSS would need to stay overnight to be classed as 'dad's time'. I'm sure I've read somewhere on MN that even if DSS comes for dinner every night, if he doesn't sleep there it doesn't count for CMS

Youseethethingis · 05/05/2021 10:12

So you get every other Friday child free?
I agree with PP, it would be better to change residency if he's there so much then everyone knows where they stand.
If it were me, it would be the chopping and changing and never knowing what's being decided behind my back that would bother me - far more so than the child actually being there. And if it would bother me as an adult I can imagine it's not that great for a child either, if your main home on paper is one place but you spend so much of your time somewhere else (assuming the child is school age).
It all seems a bit of a fudge.

Theforest · 05/05/2021 10:16

Yea I would expect a discussion. Of course.

But why are you having him practically every evening? I would rather change residency than having to pick up and drop off kids every night.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 10:18

I know DP would have him more overnight but his ex isn't keen. My DP also coaches a sports team which means he goes and does that 3 nights a week (and for a couple of hours one weekend morning) once he's dropped DSS home after dinner.

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 05/05/2021 10:19

@CornishGem1975

This is exactly what I've said to my teen stepson, who just does what he wants now. I said he can come as much or as little as he wants - so long as he lets us know because sometimes it might change what food we get in or what plans we make etc. I think children should be welcome all the time, but wanting to know when is absolutely fair.

Azerothi · 05/05/2021 10:22

It would concern me that your boyfriend can't say no to her.

aSofaNearYou · 05/05/2021 10:34

Yes he definitely should have discussed it with you, very disrespectful.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 10:52

@Azerothi He does on the odd occasion but then usually backs down as more often than not he gets hysterics down the phone

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 10:57

The issue with him caving to hysterics down the phone is the issue that needs discussion then.

The Ex doesn't want DP to have him overnight as it affects the maintenance she would receive.

Perhaps DP needs to state if he comes for tea then he stays overnight or she comes and collects rather than him running himself ragged to acquiesce to her demands?

It sounds like ex is in a power battle and DP needs to address that. It isn't fair on DSS that these arrangements chop and change.

namechangemarch21 · 05/05/2021 11:02

Honestly I think he should have had an initial conversation with you before you moved in, but my feeling would always be: my child is always welcome in my home, as much as they want. If that's his attitude - and it sounds as if it is - it is possibly worth you thinking about that.

I know of situations where the mother has died unexpectedly and the child has moved to the dad's house full-time. Unlikely, but would you be ok with it? I think its worth thinking about why you want to be consulted. If its that you want to know who is coming when, that's fair enough, if its that you want to be able to veto him coming on certain days because you have other plans, then that sounds like a clash of attitudes and like you should talk to your partner. If you want to make sure you have 1:1 time, then maybe try to schedule 'date nights'. I think the key thing is what is driving both your motivation and if its compatible.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 05/05/2021 11:05

For a one of I wouldn't be too bothered, but he has agreed to a long term arrangement without your input. I'd be annoyed

Annasgirl · 05/05/2021 11:08

Well OP, I think it depends on 2 things

Do you cook everyone's dinner? - if yes, then he has no right to invite additional people even if it is his son

Do you have to mind DSS. in any way (check homework, babysit, collect from school/club)

If you have no involvement other than conversation at dinner, then I would not be upset , but as I cook all dinners in my house during the week, I would not be happy with not being included in the discussion.

AmyG10 · 05/05/2021 11:11

I’m in a similar situation OP. I don’t live with my partner officially yet but plan on doing so this summer.

Partners ex constantly changes the plans...texting and calling asking him to have their son at the last minute. I’m glad he gets extra time and I’ve got no issue in general however when it disrupts plans often last min it can be very frustrating. Whilst he doesn’t have to ASK my permission it’s a courtesy to at least run things by me beforehand so I know where I am and what the plans are. I’ve tried to discuss this with my partner and he claims to see where I’m coming from but it’s like the ex has some sort of hold over him? Means that when the in is change last min people in the middle don’t know whether they are coming or going.

It’s incredibly unfair given you live with this guy and like you, our partners are trying to build a life with us too.

For what it’s worth, my partners child is very emotional and appears to hate going between both houses. Crying etc when he goes back to his mums and to school. I can only presume this is a result or at least exasperated by the at times overly flexible routine. The kid doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going and we all know how important routine is for children

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