DP agreeing to things without talking to me first

[thewhiterabbit1]

I was wondering whether other people's DP's agree to having their DC's more without mentioning it to you first?

Before I get flamed, I like my DSS a lot so it's not that I object to him coming over more at all.

We have DSS every other weekend and one, sometimes two evenings for dinner every week. DP told me last night that he has agreed to have DSS on a Tues and Thurs every week for dinner, on top of the Wednesday (and usually Monday) he has him for dinner already.

I have no issue with this, I'm just wondering whether he maybe should have mentioned it to me first before saying yes to his ex?

Why are you working full-time and doing all the shopping, cooking and house work?

@Booboobadoo

Why are you working full-time and doing all the shopping, cooking and house work?

Because she's been drafted in to replace the last slave!

My point is, it isn't the not checking about dss coming that's a problem. It's the assumption that the OP will suck up the extra work.

I agree with you, but unfortunately it's often all rolled into one, especially where someone has been relatively happy doing this work up until now as it wasn't as frequent.

I would bet OP's DP wouldn't be totally fine with her saying now that he'd need to do dinner for his child 3 times a week, for example. He'd probably be all "oh but I don't have time due to my training" etc etc. I bet he has very much assumed OP will be doing all this extra cooking and shopping.

I could be totally wrong of course! Maybe he really would be OK with it, but just going by my own experiences and others I've read here.

Yes of course he should run it past you before agreeing to anything. And I'm speaking as someone who has a blended family. It's a matter of courtesy.

Raise your bar op...dss is a red herring here. The fact is you’re doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. Your P is taking the piss! What do you get out of this relationship? You’re certainly not treated as an equal. My advice would be to fuck off and find someone who treats you as an equal!

@thewhiterabbit1

Thanks for all of your opinions!

Just to clarify one more time, I never meant that DP needed to ask my permission to have DSS more, I just would have appreciated having been told about it in advance rather than it being dropped on me on the day the new routine starts.

I do the cooking every day, and DSS is coming for dinner every night now. Fine, but it is left to me to sort out what food to buy, and what to cook each day. DP doesn't really have any input with that.

I do also most do the housework etc so more mess = more for me to do. I work full time.

Hopefully I've explained myself better now, for those who think I don't want my DSS over

Wow, so what does your dp actually do? From now on he needs to be the one shopping and cooking for the evenings his son is there. That way he can deal with his sons fussy eating and not expect you to cook something else when his son rejects your dinner. And he can do the cleaning up also.

Have a think about how you see this relationship going - you have a dp who doesn't do cooking, housework, expects you to do it all and then extra when his son is there, panders to his ex. I'm not sure I'd want to stay with him tbh.

Have a think about how you see this relationship going - you have a dp who doesn't do cooking, housework, expects you to do it all and then extra when his son is there, panders to his ex. I'm not sure I'd want to stay with him tbh.

This!

Seriously OP, especially if you'd like children of your own one day -throw this one back. It's truly appalling that he just completely expects you, as a woman, to simply absorb all the shitwork... and there is not one iota of recognition that his son is his responsibility and no-one else's. Oh except when he says yes to extra time, of course. Then it's none of your business whatsoever...

Seriously this kind of dynamic with this kind of man is the epitome of 'How blended families go to shit.'

Think hard! And do some experimenting right now with putting your foot very politely down - his son is his responsibility, and any unilateral arrangements he makes are his to sort if he wants to get to be 'defensive' about it.

Defensive is also never good, btw.

I think he should have asked, or at least given you the opportunity talk it through. A simple 'ex has asked if I can have ds on X days' it's just polite to mention it to someone it will impact.

I think you also need to agree some ground rules, if the cooking is going to cause issues then your dp needs to be stepping up and doing more of the cooking. The same with the food shopping, he needs to start getting more involved in that. Also the finances, if you're going to be accommodating a teenager then there's costs to consider, such as utilities, food etc. He'll need to cover this himself and not simply expect you to swallow extra costs. Also he can't expect to just leave ds with you when he's off out, that simply isn't fair on you or ds.

I think he should have asked, or at least given you the opportunity talk it through. A simple 'ex has asked if I can have ds on X days' it's just polite to mention it to someone it will impact.

I agree with this completely.

Also think it's interesting that there is another thread running at the moment where a new mum arranged to go to her mum's for a couple of nights with the baby, after general discussions with her husband about how she should do just that, and now he's annoyed she didn't 'consult' him first before fixing specific dates. And the general consensus in replies is that she should have spoken to him first before agreeing dates as 'they are a team', 'they are married', 'it's just common courtesy' etc etc. EVEN THOUGH she is actually taking work away from her DH by going away for a couple of nights and they had spoken about her doing this recently. Yet here, the DH is actually bringing more work to OP's door without even asking her or giving her any idea that arrangements may change prior to now, and she's out of order for wanting him to have at least spoken to her about it first?

OP, I think that men particularly may compartmentalize things related to their children. Your partner may feel that the issue of time spent with his child is a discussion to be had with the child's parent rather than with his partner.

Discussions regarding any expectations of actions or activities involving you are discussions to be had with you rather than the child's other parent. For instance , if he expects the child to be included in meals that you prepare, you should be a party to that discussion.

My husband's children, like my own children, have keys to the house. We consider this to be their home and neither of us need to be involved in a discussion of their minutiae of their daily comings or goings. We have a cleaning service so that neither of us has to feel burdened by cleaning up after each other or the kids, and we are freed up to devote our time to the family and our individual interests and activities.

If I were his partner rather than his wife. I would not necessarily feel the need to be privy to discussions or decisions regarding his child. By the same token, I would not expect any obligations or expectations to flow to me from those decisions.

It is very important to clarify your expectations of roles and responsibilities when you choose to live with someone. Women it seems often choose to or sometimes are expected to take on a pseudo or quasi wife role when in fact they are a partner but not in fact a wife. It seems to me that men as relates to themselves are quite capable of distinguishing the difference between being a partner and being a spouse.

It is very important to clarify your expectations of roles and responsibilities when you choose to live with someone. Women it seems often choose to or sometimes are expected to take on a pseudo or quasi wife role when in fact they are a partner but not in fact a wife. It seems to me that men as relates to themselves are quite capable of distinguishing the difference between being a partner and being a spouse.

I think this is a bit of an old fashioned view? Not everyone chooses to marry nowadays, it doesn't really indicate the commitment or seriousness of the relationship.

@Bibidy
I am in no way suggesting that the level of seriousness,love, or commitment is tied to the title of the relationship.
I am suggesting that the roles and responsibilities are tied to the title of the relationship.

If you are a man's fiancee , you may be quite serious , totally committed, and love him beyond measure. None of those wonderful attributes obligations you to take on responsibility for any children that he might have, nor do those great attributes give you any of the legal rights of a wife. However, none of these things diminish or marginalize the level of seriousness or commitment of your relationship.

@Tiredoftattler not quite sure where you’re going with that one, but before me and DH got married, I expected to be consulted. And after we got married, I expected to be consulted. Hope this helps?

I don't agree with the PPs at all that you don't need to be asked. He has made an ongoing change of plans with his ex that impacts your living arrangements. Why wouldn't you be consulted? A simple "yeah, that shouldn't be a problem. I'll get back to you later today when myself and whiterabbit have figured out the logistics" should have been his response to his ex imo.

It really upsets me when everyone piles in here saying you've no say in this. Yes you do because you live in the house. You don't have to live there.

The updates about how much cooking and cleaning you do has only further annoyed me I'm afraid.

Why do you do most of the cooking, cleaning and shopping? You work full-time. Your partner heads out multiple times a week to his hobby. Somebody said upthread you should do 50%, anything less would be extreme. No it wouldn't! He should be doing the lion's share as his son is generating a lot of the work. This is a ridiculous arrangement. As for asking you (politely or otherwise) to rethink your menu... You are making a rod for your own back. This needs to stop, all of it.

My advice is to sit him down and tell him that things need to change. If he wants to stay living with you then you need to be involved in making arrangements that affect you. He needs to take care of his son, that means cooking, laundry and providing a clean home. And if he is going to have his son over he can't be out doing his hobby. In short, you will be there for company, not parenting.

He is taking advantage massively and you are allowing it. He might not even realise.

@Coffeepot72
Before my husband got married, we were friends, companions, and lovers who cared deeply about each other. We traveled together, enjoy activities together , discussed professional interests , family and friends together. We were neither of us feeling a need for a second marriage. I had no expectations in terms of being included in discussions about his children and he had no expectations about being involved in discussions about my children. Each set of children had 2 actively involved parents,
and that was an aspect of our lives that had little to nothing to do with us being committed friends, companions, and lovers. We each had full lives and both enjoyed the fact that we added to each other's life without any need to interject or intrude into areas that were working very well and being well managed by the people whose direct involvement was required.

Much later, we decided to consider marriage. Only then did we meet each other's exs and introduce each other to our children.

Now that we are married, we have a good relationship with the ex's and each other's children, but we also have a sincere belief that decisions related to our respective children are to be left in the hands of the biological parents.

We often discuss what we are thinking about as relates to the children, but we do this as an informational courtesy and not as a need or expectation that either of us has . We know that we are each fond of the other's children and want only the best for them. Beyond o that awareness, we are content to leave the parenting decisions and information totally within the domain of the biological parents.

This works well for us. Neither of us were looking to blend parenting roles . We were each aware that this aspect of our lives was linked to and with other people and functioning in a way that we each found to be satisfactory.

We are partners in the aspects of our lives that are enhanced by partnership and respectful of the aspects of our lives that only require us to be supportive observers. This works for us and perhaps reduces much of the conflict that comes from trying to be involved in areas where our involvement is neither needed nor a always helpful.

I'd feel the same as you OP.

One of the (many) reasons I'm leaving my DP is that he never mentioned anything about his DS to me beforehand, just agreed it with his mum, and then he'd appear!

It felt disrespectful, because I never really knew what was going on in my own house. He'd also expect plans to be changed to accommodate his DS, when I never knew he'd be around.

It's common courtesy to run things past your partner before agreeing to requests from outside (the DS's mum being the outsider, not the DS), but if your partner has no consideration for you, it shows.

In addition to all of this, let’s not forget that common sense tends to evaporate around stepchildren …

You sound great OP and I think he should have talked this over with you, as a courtesy so you knew in advance.

But more worryingly, I don’t like the fact that you’re doing all the shopping, cooking, housework AND working full time AND would be expected to look after SS if your partner was doing his coaching. All of the above just screams that he’s taking advantage of you and you don’t deserve that.

@thewhiterabbit1 I'd definitely expect a heads up at the rota was changing, at the very least. Not to veto it, but it will have an impact on you, whether it affects the nights you can have friends round/on zoom, or whether you need to change up the shopping list if that's something you usually do - it's respectful to at least have a bit of notice.

@purplebagladylovesgin out of interest, are you a stepparent? I love my DSS like my own, but if there was a change to the evenings/nights he's with us I'd want to know at least a few hours in advance, as much for meal planning as anything else. While they're still young the parents can confirm, and when they're old enough to tell us what they want and make their own plans I'd expect a text letting us know he's coming.

I'm a stepchild, and I wouldn't turn up at either of my parents' homes without texting to make sure they didn't have plans!

I let my DP know if plans change for when my son is with me (us) it was something I wasn’t used to at the beginning of our relationship, that being said I do all the looking after of him when he is here.

It sounds as if you have been placed in the role of domestic servant at the master's beck and call.
What do you get out of the relationship?
Bearing in mind that if you are not married you have no rights to anything not specifically in your name. Like money or property. I hope you are financially independant and not relying on your partner for a home.

I am of the belief that a parent with a child needs to prioritize the child over a new partner. A child should never be made to feel unwelcome or unwanted and I think the idea of a child needing to ask to come over and the parent needing to say, I have to ask my girlfriend first if that is okay for you to come to our house is someone with their priorities backwards. If you don't consider the child part of their family and you don't consider your home to also be the child's home - then you really shouldn't marry or date someone with children. So for the posters saying OP only agreed to have the child there 2 days a week and it isn't fair to her that her partner has now changed the agreement - tough. If OP needs 4 child free days a week, she shouldn't be dating someone with a child.

It seems like OPs actual issue is the meals and cooking. That is a completely different conversation than needing to have a discussion before the child is allowed over. I can see why Ops partner's ex is upset. If you see your own child as an inconvenient visitor and you are annoyed they are eating an extra meal in your home you aren't an involved parent. Most parents have their kids multiple if not 7 days a week, and feed their kids every day. That is part of being a parent. And if you live with someone with kids you can't be annoyed or upset that there are children at the home or eating meals at the home.

The post and conversation should have been about the child's father needing to be involved in shopping and meal prep. That wasn't even in the OP.

I would say that’s fine you cook on Tuesdays and Thursdays now. Add anything you want to the shopping list before 9am sat and I’ll get it.
Or if that feels too hard to you then i’d coordinate with a friend to be out every second week on one of the new nights for the next 6 weeks and say when you are going to shop dp I’m out Tuesday so you are on your own with dinner, let me know if you’d like to add anything to the shop.

I’m assuming you and your dp are known affectionately by friends as Mr & Mrs Doormat.
Your dp needs to have proper schedules in place with his wife and you need to stop being a housekeeper.

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. If my OH did this I would be furious and I wouldn't be able to let it slide

It is utter nonsense to say the child should be able to move freely between houses at his own will. Why?! He's a child! Why does he get to dictate what is happening everyday? Secondly, this isn't about the child wanting to go between houses....this is about the child's mother wanting him to go between houses. That is two very different things.

Secondly, your partner needs to grow a backbone. For me, if he's eating dinner and spending the bulk of the evening with you, he's living with you. I would be insisting that if that is to be a permanent state of affairs that he sleeps on those nights, and that maintenance is adjusted accordingly. His ex is essentially dictating what goes on in your home each night. That would not be happening in my house!