Page 2 | DP agreeing to things without talking to me first

thewhiterabbit1 · 2021-05-05T07:18:09+00:00

I was wondering whether other people's DP's agree to having their DC's more without mentioning it to you first? Before I get flamed, I like my DSS a lot so it's not that I object to him coming over more at all. We have DSS every other weekend and one, sometimes two evenings for dinner every week. DP told me last night that he has agreed to have DSS on a Tues and Thurs every week for dinner, on top of the Wednesday (and usually Monday) he has him for dinner already. I have no issue with this, I'm just wondering whether he maybe should have mentioned it to me first before saying yes to his ex?

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 11:15

@thewhiterabbit1

I know DP would have him more overnight but his ex isn't keen. My DP also coaches a sports team which means he goes and does that 3 nights a week (and for a couple of hours one weekend morning) once he's dropped DSS home after dinner.

So has he been asked to have your SS for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well now, or is it something he wanted and asked his ex for?

I wouldn't be happy with not being consulted over this tbh, it's your home too, and this change means you have SS almost every single night of the week, particularly on the weeks where you have him for the weekend too. Presumably affects your own evenings if SS (and I guess your DP?) is eating early and then having to get dropped home before your DP goes to his activity.

I don't know what you can do but he definitely should have spoken to you before arranging this. He could at least have swapped the Tues & Thurs for the regular Wednesday.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 11:31

Just to answer a few questions -

I cook dinner for everyone but am not expected to 'look after' DSS. If he had him overnight on the evenings that he coaches then that would end up falling to me.

His ex asked him to have him the extra Tues and Thurs, he didn't ask.

The hysterics from the ex usually involve DP being told that he 'doesn't do enough' to help out with DSS.

OP posts:

Orangebug · 05/05/2021 11:34

Your DP should definitely have discussed this with you! No problem for a one-off but an extra two nights a week is a big thing.

Youseethethingis · 05/05/2021 11:37

The hysterics from the ex usually involve DP being told that he 'doesn't do enough' to help out with DSS
And yet strangely doesn't want him to have him for more overnights. Wonder why that might be.
Your update clears up alot. I'd be telling him to get his balls back off his ex or I'm out.
Shes playing games, the child must be so unsettled and you know the buck stops with you if DP has somewhere else he wants to be.
It all needs nipped ASAP or its just going to end in disaster.

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 11:42

I understand why people don't want step children coming and going at will, but I agree with a PP - the child should be able to come and go to their own parent's house without it being an issue. If it affects you, then of course your DP should alert you (eg if you do all the cooking, then he should absolutely be letting you know and/or if necessary, making whatever adaptations are necessary rather than putting you out) but I don't think he needs your permission to allow his DS extra time at home.

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 12:05

@Triffid1 Just to clarify, I wasn't expecting him to ask my permission, I just thought he might have mentioned it to me before saying yes to his ex. It's no big deal me making more food on the extra nights, I just thought a heads up might have been nice!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 12:11

I suppose the equivalent is if you asked your Mum or sibling or best friend around regularly and never gave him the heads up before agreeing it.

You do need to work out for yourself what the issue for you is?

That you feel it's rude/discourteous

That it's a manifestation that his ex says jump and he says how high

That you feel his ex is in some power battle since you moved in

That you don't think it can work unless some dynamics change

That it is a manifestation that DP is spineless to his ex hence he didn't bother to give you the heads up

You have no say in the relationship because his ex demands trumps whatever arrangements there are

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 05/05/2021 12:15

Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to be consulted around what goes on in your own home. A discussion up front allows you to air your views, and to obtain all the information you need to decide how to move forward. Just agreeing to things because they suit him and his ex discounts you completely as an adult who should have a say say in any arrangements that affect you. And regardless of whether you cook dinner, or are expected to babysit or not, this does affect you - there are now 2 additional nights a week where your plans and what you eat have to be adapted to be suitable for a child, and 2 less nights where you can just kick back in your own home in peace and quiet. I'd be pissed off.

And for all the posters saying 'it's the child's home, they should be allowed to come and go as they please', that may be so, but the OP still has a choice as to how she reacts to that. e.g. if when I met DP, I knew he had DSC EOW and one night after work in the week for tea, that's what I signed up to. If something changed, and he wanted to have them e.g. every weekend and 2 nights a week, or 50/50, that is considerably different to what I knew I was taking on when we moved in together. If it wasn't something I was happy with, I'm entitled to say so, and possibly end the relationship if he couldn't/wouldn't compromise. Being a stepparent doesn't mean you have to just accept whatever is thrown at you 'for the good of the children' - you're a person too.

It sounds like this new arrangement suits both him and his ex - she keeps the overnights so CM doesn't reduce, and he gets to see the child most days but still gets to go out and do his hobby once he's dropped them home. Seems like no-one has actually considered whether it suits you or not!

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 12:16

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@Triffid1 Just to clarify, I wasn't expecting him to ask my permission, I just thought he might have mentioned it to me before saying yes to his ex. It's no big deal me making more food on the extra nights, I just thought a heads up might have been nice! [/quote]
I know you don't think of this as permission, but it really is what you're saying. Because to you, he shouldn't have said yes without checking in with you first. That's a form of permission.

And of course, I understand. DH is welcome to invite friends over but yes, I'd expect him to check in with me first in case I've made other plans or because it will impact me when those friends come round. I don't consider it him asking me for "permission" as such, but it is checking that I'm okay with it. But with a child in a situation like this, it doesn't really matter whether you're okay with it or not because he has the right to expect that his son can just come home any time.

similarly, one day when my DS is at university, if he rings and tells me he's coming home for a weekend, I wouldn't expect to have to check in with DH that it's okay. I'd just casually say, "DS is coming home this weekend".

sillysmiles · 05/05/2021 12:19

If it isn't a problem and you don't have an issue, why does it need to ask you first?

Was he meant to say, "let me check with rabbit first"? Then talk to you and then go back to Ex and say, ya fine rabbit says yes? That looks to the Ex like you control when he sees his son.

Maybe83 · 05/05/2021 12:39

My dd is 19 and SS 23. I cant honestly say no in over 10 years I have never checked with my DH his views on arrangements for my dd being home or in her dads. He doesn't checked with me about my ss before arranging anything either.

We have always just said dsd or ss will be here today or what ever the case is.

As a single parent entering a relationship I would never have asked my dh permission and that is what it is for my dd to be home. So I never expected dh to have to do it either.

My view was and is you adapt to the circumstances you find your self in. With one resident child and two children living part of the time in other homes they could be varied week to week.

The exceptions being arranging taking them on holidays or if we had set plans like attending a wedding or something. Even then it would only be to arrange childcare with someone else if they were here when they were younger.

We have a very relaxed and busy house with lots of comings and going and always have. Them being here or not isn't a big deal for either of us and if they are here unexpectedly we are use to putting together quick dinners that works for everyone.

It really makes no difference to me if it's just our dd or one or both of the older ones at home.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 12:41

I don't consider it him asking me for "permission" as such, but it is checking that I'm okay with it. But with a child in a situation like this, it doesn't really matter whether you're okay with it or not because he has the right to expect that his son can just come home any time.

This is so unfair, it is OP's home too, surely she should at least get some input into the weekly routine, at the very least because she is the one who cooks for everybody?! This isn't just the odd day here and there, this is a regular arrangement that has been made without even giving her a head's up.

I think it does matter whether OP is ok with it.

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 12:41

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@Triffid1 Just to clarify, I wasn't expecting him to ask my permission, I just thought he might have mentioned it to me before saying yes to his ex. It's no big deal me making more food on the extra nights, I just thought a heads up might have been nice! [/quote]
If you expect him to CHECK with you BEFORE agreeing, how is that not him asking your permission?

If you'd say you'd rather he didn't come what would you expect his reaction to be? Would you expect him to say no to DSS?

And, if you genuinely don't have an issue with him having "extra" time with DSS and would always agree, what is the point in him asking?

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:02

@lucy5236 Again, it's not asking for permission, just a heads up! Something like oh by the way, I've agreed to have DSS for an extra two dinners every week, starting from whenever. I wasn't expecting to be told on the day the new routine starts!

And when I say heads up, it's simply because I do the food shopping and cook, and DSS is a pretty fussy eater.

I also work full time (currently from home) so when DSS comes over I know to move myself to a room where I won't be interrupted.

OP posts:

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 13:16

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@lucy5236 Again, it's not asking for permission, just a heads up! Something like oh by the way, I've agreed to have DSS for an extra two dinners every week, starting from whenever. I wasn't expecting to be told on the day the new routine starts!

And when I say heads up, it's simply because I do the food shopping and cook, and DSS is a pretty fussy eater.

I also work full time (currently from home) so when DSS comes over I know to move myself to a room where I won't be interrupted.
[/quote]
I did see that you've since said you just wanted a heads up. However, your very first post and at least one follow up post says that you want him to run it past you BEFORE saying yes to his ex. That's not a heads up....a heads up is him letting you know what he's agreed in terms of his DS. The fact you want him to run it past you suggests before he agrees you think he should be asking if it's

So no need for the "again" at beginning of your post. You're now just back tracking when you don't like some of the responses

YoniAndGuy · 05/05/2021 13:23

Well the first thing I would do is stop doing the food shopping and cooking!

'Oh by the way, I haven't food shopped this week - I'm guessing we're going to have DSS coming for extra days and I never know when, so best you take this over, as he needs to be factored in in advance with what he eats.'

'But I can't, I've got coaching'

'Then you need to show that you respect the teamwork I'm willing to do, ie taking on the shopping/cooking for DSS as well as us, by also being a team player and telling me in advance when he's coming.'

This is about respect isn't it?

Easier to mess you around than the ex - big fat no
Don't need to tell the cook and bottle washer how many are coming for tea - she'll just have to run round like a loon sorting it at short notice- big fat no
Not even simple respect in notifying the joint householder what's happening when it directly affects her too - big fat no.

I would suggest that you sit down and tell him that all this is going to cause big problems, at some point very soon :) and his choice is to try and treat you as an equal, loved partner and discuss it... or to get 'defensive' and try and shout you down (Hint: Option 2 usually ends with single dad having to give up coaching because he's got not time to do it as well as food shopping for his son because his partner has dumped him)

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 13:25

However, your very first post and at least one follow up post says that you want him to run it past you BEFORE saying yes to his ex. That's not a heads up....a heads up is him letting you know what he's agreed in terms of his DS.

Surely that is entirely reasonable when he lives with OP? And she does all the cooking? My DP would definitely run this by me before agreeing.

AmyG10 · 05/05/2021 13:27

@thewhiterabbit1 I’ve sent you a pm. Really hope you are okay

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 13:34

@Bibidy

However, your very first post and at least one follow up post says that you want him to run it past you BEFORE saying yes to his ex. That's not a heads up....a heads up is him letting you know what he's agreed in terms of his DS.

Surely that is entirely reasonable when he lives with OP? And she does all the cooking? My DP would definitely run this by me before agreeing.

I agree it's completely reasonable to want advanced notice, I've never disagreed with that.

It's the fact she's wanting her DP to seek her permission by running it past her first, then saying she's not wanting him to ask her permission that's contradictory.

I don't think a parent should ever need to ask permission to have their DC over for dinner.

If OP has an issue cooking for him then she should ask DP to step up and start doing more of this. That's a different conversation than expecting him to ask her if it's okay for him to come over....

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:37

@lucy5236 I apologise that I worded it wrong initially. I am not back tracking. I have NEVER had a problem with DSS coming over, and I didn't mean DP needed to seek my permission. I just would have liked a heads up!

OP posts:

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:38

@AmyG10 Thank you, I'm ok! I've had some really helpful replies on here (apart from the few that are suggesting I have an issue with DSS coming over, when I don't at all!)

OP posts:

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 13:43

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@lucy5236 I apologise that I worded it wrong initially. I am not back tracking. I have NEVER had a problem with DSS coming over, and I didn't mean DP needed to seek my permission. I just would have liked a heads up! [/quote]

That's different then and if it's a heads up you're looking for then I 100% agree with you

I agree it's a bit disrespectful of him to not let you know when he's coming in advance.

Maybe you should have a conversation along the lines of "Your DC is more than welcome any night but I either need advanced notice or you need to take responsibility for ensuring we have the food he likes in the house. It would be good if you could either do, or at least share the responsibility for, cooking while he's here. Particularly if he's not going to eat whatever I'm
already cooking?"

Original poster

thewhiterabbit1 · 05/05/2021 13:47

@lucy5236 Thank you

I think the biggest stress about it all for me is the eating. I do the food shop and cook but DSS will regularly reject what I've made. DP will quite often ask (politely) whether I'd be happy to make something else. If DSS is coming for dinner nearly every day then that is likely to end up causing me a pretty big headache!

OP posts:

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 13:47

I agree it's completely reasonable to want advanced notice, I've never disagreed with that.

It's the fact she's wanting her DP to seek her permission by running it past her first, then saying she's not wanting him to ask her permission that's contradictory.

I don't think a parent should ever need to ask permission to have their DC over for dinner.

If OP has an issue cooking for him then she should ask DP to step up and start doing more of this. That's a different conversation than expecting him to ask her if it's okay for him to come over....

I agree with her though tbh - it's not 'permission' in the sense that she's going to say no, but it would have been nice for her to have an opportunity to discuss various options or express if she wasn't really on board.

For example, my DP always runs his plans for having his children in the school holidays by me before agreeing anything with his ex. Not because I get to say yes or no, but because I might have thoughts on another week suiting better, or have plans that mean it wouldn't work, or we might want to book something that isn't available that week etc.

In this scenario for example, I would have said I was fine with Tues & Thurs if it was a swap for Wednesday. Otherwise some weeks it will be Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! That is essentially what has been agreed to without consulting OP at all, it's not just a couple of evenings.

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 13:49

[quote thewhiterabbit1]@lucy5236 I apologise that I worded it wrong initially. I am not back tracking. I have NEVER had a problem with DSS coming over, and I didn't mean DP needed to seek my permission. I just would have liked a heads up! [/quote]
@Triffid1 Just to clarify, I wasn't expecting him to ask my permission, I just thought he might have mentioned it to me before saying yes to his ex. It's no big deal me making more food on the extra nights, I just thought a heads up might have been nice!"

These two statements are diametrically opposed. In your original posts, you said you want him to talk to you before saying yes. That's unfair in light of the fact that hs son has the right to come and go.

In the later post, you say you just want to be told that DSS is coming over, which of course, is completely and totally reasonable.

But your earlier posts made it very clear that you wanted him to give you the heads up BEFORE agreeing.