Being held to ransom by SCs and Ex

[SpongebobNoPants]

Looooonnnnggg backstory which I won’t get fully into right now.

We’ve had quite a few incidents recently where either DP’s ex or his kids have essentially tried to hold us to ransom by demanding we do XYZ or they will stop coming to stay over / won’t come for dinner / will stop visiting. It’s almost always monetary in nature.

It’s really difficult watching my SDs treat DP this way and he’s decided to hold fast and stop giving into their demands, even if it means they refuse to see us for a while.

I’m not sure how to approach this as now demands are being placed on me so I feel like they’re setting me up to be the scapegoat if they decide not to come.

I have no experience of anything like this before. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What’s the best approach to take here?

Will she actually stop them coming? I recognise your username and it sounds like the last thing she’d want to do.

I think you can only refer all demands to your husband. Every time. Offer no opinion of your own.

How are they making the demands of you?

It sounds toxic and exhausting. Your husband is doing the right thing but I can imagine he's finding it difficult.

Defer them to your DH for every single thing and refuse to be left with them alone even if it is for 5 minutes.

@MiddleParking I have no idea? Youngest is here now (not our weekend but she’s here most weekends)... it’s more the older SC and her mum saying it.
But today we’ve had an issue where SD12 wanted some new bedding she’d seen in town shopping - reduced to £9, no problem I pinged her the money. She then declared she was taking the expensive duvet set from her room in our house (which was bought to match her room here) back to her mums. I said no, it stays here as it’s part of a set and quite frankly I paid £70 for it to make her room look nice here.
All hell broke loose with ex ringing my DP shouting saying I was unfair, she decorated her room at her house and that bedding will match it perfectly etc.
I said I’m happy to send the link but no! It stays here!
Cue being held to ransom. “Fine. I want to go home NOW!” from SD12

Demands made on me for example are eldest SD demanding I use my Uber account to have her picked up / dropped off wherever she’s going when it’s mum’s time.
When she’s with us we would either pick her up ourselves or very occasionally book her an Uber if the time wasn’t convenient for collection (e.g. we’re in the middle of dinner).

I said no, ask your mum. I’m sick of it.

I wouldn’t mind if it was occasionally and SD was stuck. But it’s all the fucking time

Sounds horrible and I have no advice but I definitely wouldn’t be caving to that blackmail even if DH wanted to. You have every right to stand your ground.

Just say no to everything. Don’t give in to their demands. No more pinging money. You are being used.

That sounds frustrating.

I think referring that to your husband is definitely the way to go. Disengage from the ex and don't make yourself the one saying no to the SC. 'Oh, you'll have to speak to your dad about that' is a good reply to everything (just about).

He can tell her no to taking the bedding from your house (and deal with his ex's incredible gall in trying to argue that it matched the room she'd just decorated 🙄). He can deal with requests for money. He can respond to the demand to be taken to her mum's when he's said no.

I would deal with that with a disinterested, “you’ll have to talk to your dad about that”. The going home, not the bedding - anything you’ve paid for you get to decide on. The mum sounds like a total fruitcake.

@SpongebobNoPants

Demands made on me for example are eldest SD demanding I use my Uber account to have her picked up / dropped off wherever she’s going when it’s mum’s time. When she’s with us we would either pick her up ourselves or very occasionally book her an Uber if the time wasn’t convenient for collection (e.g. we’re in the middle of dinner).

I said no, ask your mum. I’m sick of it.

Tell her to ask her dad. And then he can explain to her that it's her mum's responsibility to support with transport during her time.

It is definitely blackmail. My stomach goes in knots every time I here DP’s personal mobile ring because 99% of the time it’s his ex or one of the kids making unreasonable demands.
Which stresses him out and in turn stresses me out.
DP was in tears over it all earlier. This is a big, burling man who isn’t an overly emotional man being reduced to a nervous wreck.
They’re quite frankly fucking his mental health.

The demands are usually via DP. I’ve had his ex’s number blocked for several years already... I’m close to blocking his kids to be honest.

Sadly you can't save him from this @SpongebobNoPants. And you can't take responsibility for any of it.

It's his ex and his children. He made his choices in life and now he's having to deal with the repercussions of choosing to have children with this particular woman (and of giving in to demands etc).

It's hard because you love him but you can't fix this for him.

You do need to consider and look after your own mental health here.

@SpongebobNoPants

Demands made on me for example are eldest SD demanding I use my Uber account to have her picked up / dropped off wherever she’s going when it’s mum’s time. When she’s with us we would either pick her up ourselves or very occasionally book her an Uber if the time wasn’t convenient for collection (e.g. we’re in the middle of dinner).

I said no, ask your mum. I’m sick of it.

Sounds like a chip off the old block I would refer all of this back to your husband. To be honest, I don’t think you should have to get involved in negotiations about whether they come or not because, being blunt, there’s no onus on you personally to want them there at all, that’s for their dad to work out. I would ease right off on paying for things for them while they’re with you too - it’s clearly doing nothing for their perception of you except reinforcing their mum’s message that you are a cash cow.

Could this blackmail over visiting thing be an attempt to up the CMS owed?

Could this blackmail over visiting thing be an attempt to up the CMS owed?

Maybe, but it’s not happening. DP is very generous already and pays for almost all extras. He couldn’t afford to pay much more even if he wanted to!

@SpongebobNoPants

Could this blackmail over visiting thing be an attempt to up the CMS owed?

Maybe, but it’s not happening. DP is very generous already and pays for almost all extras. He couldn’t afford to pay much more even if he wanted to!

I’d literally ignore her then. Realistically given her past behaviour it’s unlikely she’s going to stop the kids coming or let them stop coming so they’re with her 24/7 for the foreseeable. And if he pays for all these extras she doesn’t have much of a hand to play financially by keeping them more. Shame for the kids that she acts like she does, but a 15 year old is old enough to know that she isn’t owed taxis everywhere, especially not by someone who isn’t her parent.

It’s making me feel physically sick.
I’m sick of all the mind games, laziness, spitefulness from all of them.
I can’t even buy my kids essential things (out of my own money) without them kicking off or being told that I’m being unfair by their DM.

I’m so drained with it all. I love my DP so much but I can’t see an end to this. I can just imagine dramas over cars, weddings, grandchildren etc. I’m honestly weighing up whether I love my DP enough to put up with the drama his ex brings for the rest of my life.
I’ve never hated anyone before but the anger I feel towards her is visceral.

Agree with PP. Just a completely disinterested 'you'll have to ask your Dad' would be my go to response from now on.

This behaviour is horrific, Sponge. The ex and older DD sound deranged.

Totally agree with others that you just deflect everything away from you in terms of money requests.

Your DP should not be passing on messages to you either.

He sounds like he would benefit from a complete break from them. Let them stay away - they will soon get bored. I’m sorry to hear he’s finding it so tough but am super impressed that he has told them they won’t be getting more money or items. He has done the right thing, even if it feels hard now.

@SpongebobNoPants

It’s making me feel physically sick. I’m sick of all the mind games, laziness, spitefulness from all of them. I can’t even buy my kids essential things (out of my own money) without them kicking off or being told that I’m being unfair by their DM.

I’m so drained with it all. I love my DP so much but I can’t see an end to this. I can just imagine dramas over cars, weddings, grandchildren etc. I’m honestly weighing up whether I love my DP enough to put up with the drama his ex brings for the rest of my life.
I’ve never hated anyone before but the anger I feel towards her is visceral.

I so feel for you. I know it's obvious advice, but I would take a massive step back and be far less involved. You're already far more involved than I am!

My DP had his children withheld from him for a year as he refused to change his weekend as already had something booked. He had changed weekends at other times.
Eventually the ex got in touch as she needed someone to have the children, and the contact started again.
You have to stand firm together and not be bullied, it isn’t doing the children any good being drawn into this situation.
He pays maintenance to his ex for the children, anything extra is a bonus which is obviously not appreciated.

Ahh what a horrible suitation
But if that was me id be after saying
You want to go home grand il bring you and u can come back when you learn some manners
What bought for ur house stays in the house
Your partner needs to set boundries regards the ex.
He should just try ignore all the lil dramas.
Its hard but hell get there x

Does he pay Cms and pocket money? Owt else the dc need to be told birthday or Xmas. Or chores to earn extra.
Spoilt brats they sound to me.