Being held to ransom by SCs and Ex

[SpongebobNoPants]

Looooonnnnggg backstory which I won’t get fully into right now.

We’ve had quite a few incidents recently where either DP’s ex or his kids have essentially tried to hold us to ransom by demanding we do XYZ or they will stop coming to stay over / won’t come for dinner / will stop visiting. It’s almost always monetary in nature.

It’s really difficult watching my SDs treat DP this way and he’s decided to hold fast and stop giving into their demands, even if it means they refuse to see us for a while.

I’m not sure how to approach this as now demands are being placed on me so I feel like they’re setting me up to be the scapegoat if they decide not to come.

I have no experience of anything like this before. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What’s the best approach to take here?

This all sounds very familiar @Dollyparton3.
His ex also implies that DP must be spending money on me and my kids and acts angry because she feels every spare penny he has should go on her household.
She seems to not understand that I am the higher earner and she seems to believe that all women are supported by men... because that’s what she does.

I have even been questioned because I bought a pretty wreath of flowers for our front door around the same time as SD was demanding £600 trainers... she actually had the cheek to say “Well Sponge has money to splashing on house decoration when all SD wants are the balenciaga trainers”.

Bear in mind the wreath was £22 and I paid for it out of my own money

Yep, all very similar! Exw has also resisted heavily the kids coming here more often because it would jeopardise her CSA claim.

It's all about the cash. She asked for a recalculation based on my salary when I arrived on the scene.

Sadly she's taugh SD that everything in life can be grabbed if you're devious enough to use emotional blackmail to get it

It's all about the cash. She asked for a recalculation based on my salary when I arrived on the scene
We haven’t had that but she does for some reason think SDs birthday and Christmas presents should be split 3 ways between her, DP and me. Although when I pointed out that she hasn’t included her own DP in those calculations she said “but I don’t work so that’s not fair” I kid you not.

Obviously I refused to split things 3 ways as DP’s contribution is from both of us... suddenly then the £600 trainers didn’t seem so fair to her.

It must be awful having every small thing you buy scrutinized and challenged. No one can live that way. This is another situation where I wonder if a plain statement would make a difference by making the absurdity clear. “DSD, you seem to think that everything me and DH buy for ourselves is something taken away from you. It’s not. It doesn’t work that way. There is money that goes to you for basic things, there is separate money that goes to us for this household, and that money has nothing to do with you. And for extras, these are things decided jointly with your mother. Do you honestly think that if you don’t get a pair of L600 trainers, it will be because I bought a wreath for the door?”
Perhaps DSD will say yes… That is what I think. It will be out on the open and she will have admitted it plainly, without insinuations or hints. If she backpedals and says no, that’s not what I think, then at least she’s conceded the point!

I've sent you a PM OP with a thread I read at the weekend that reads similar to this, the advice from women time and time again is not to give into any demands . Regardless of the blackmail angle.

Seriously, £600 trainers?? I was looking at Gucci trainers at the weekend and decided i can't justify them even though I recently got a pay rise. She needs to get a job and get them herself (Ex and her SD!)

Oh! Are these the SDs that The ex always wants out of the house?

And they wear very revealing clothes?

I'm a stepmum and my brother is currently divorcing my SIL, so I'd like to offer these perspectives:

Why is the ex doing this?

The reason the ex is acting this way is out of fear. The eldest daughter is 16 and youngest is 12, so realistically she only has about 2 years left of full maintenance payments, then it goes down and stops completely 4 years after that. Given that she is not working and is unmarried she is potentially in a precarious position. Its very likely she could be saving the CMS and then pressurising your DP to make up for what really needs to be paid so no one notices. So part of the emotional blackmail is actually a smokescreen so no one questions where the money is actually going. My ex SIL is actively doing this right now, despite being given a VERY generous settlement, that includes property and a cash lump sum of close to 7 figures! she was trying to get my brother to pay her car insurance for her (she also works full time). It seems she is literally trying to squirrel away every penny whilst she can still tap into some one else.

From the DSDs perspective

They don't understand that the above is happening and have been conditioned to think that Dad is just a cash machine and that money equals love. They feel rejected when he says no and think he loves you more because money is being spent in your house. There is a direct link in their minds reinforced by their mother, who is a powerful figure in their lives.

The only way to stop this is to break the cycle. Do as you are doing keep saying no, but I would suggest you back it up with the following to assert boundaries:

When they asked why you spent x,y or z on yourself tell them how you spend the money you have earned is none of their business. Be blunt and keep repeating

Block their number on your phone and tell them you feel they do not appreciate the support you give them so you won't be available until they show you respect.

This is the hard part, your DP needs to tell ex he will be reviewing the CSM payment as he needs to consider how much additional spending is being requested. Tell her that he will look into the CSM level required and will go back over the last 3 months to review what has been requested so that he can ensure he has sufficient funds going forward to meet such demands. When she kicks off (which she will) tell her the CSM can stay at the higher level on the condition that additional spending is restricted to birthdays and Christmas and at his own discretion.

I would deliver the final part and then switch the phone off for a week or until the next contact. If she refuses contact then say okay, on that basis I will reduce the CSM to level it should be. He will need to be absolutely firm on this. He is trying to assert boundaries and teach his daughters respect. If he can't do this then I think your concerns about a future with him, however lovely he is are valid.

CMS not CSM

@Ladydayblues1 well said on everything. With hindsight we would have done the same. This is excellent advice

I'd seriously have second thoughts on getting married to him, you're tied to him the SC forever then. They will be relentless unless he's firm with them.

@Ladydayblues1 that really is an excellent & very insightful post.
That's exactly what my exdp should have done back in the day.

I would just like to add that I would advise your DP to access some counselling / therapy.

He sounds like a very caring and straight up person but you are quite right to be worried about him. I have seen men (and women of course) be absolutely destroyed by toxic ex’s and manipulative children (it’s not their fault but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening).

I would really encourage him to do this, he needs to process what has happened and how his relationships with the kids have become this and begin to work on how he moves forward carrying probably a lot of guilt, resentment, anger and sadness.

You have said yourself you don’t know if you can realistically stay with him, so he may soon be adding the break down of his relationship to that emotional trash pile he’s currently working with.

He will probably resist, most men do. But no one should underestimate the impact to mental health dealing with this sort of thing. I have seen my partner reduced to an absolute shell at times, and his situation is nowhere near as difficult as your DPs.

I’m lucky in the fact my SC are lovely and at the moment getting on okay with the mum.

I do wonder to myself though that if their mum doesn’t work and never has despite two full time school children and us having them every weekend, what’s going to happen when the maintenance stops.

Definitely don’t give into any demands, no matter how much contact stops, you need to break the cycle 😁

So today’s drama... Ex is ranting at us because we don’t make SD16 feel “special” enough when she’s here. We just treat her as a normal part of the family? If anything we probably pander to her whims more than anyone else in the household.

DP asked what does she mean, what is it that she needs to make her feel welcome. Ex replied apparently we should be buying her takeaways and taking her wherever she wants for lunch or giving lifts all weekend

Well we do normally have a takeaway on a Saturday night but there’s 6 people in our house so we go with the majority vote or take it in turns to choose, meaning SD16 doesn’t always get her own way.

I also ring both SCs when I’m doing the online food shop for the weekends they’re here and ask if there’s anything they’d like or any preferred meals they want. I always try and accommodate their preferences.

DP told ex this and she’s accused us of lying because SD16 has said otherwise.

Again it was said “well she’ll probably never want to stay at your house again”.

All this because DP rang SD16 and asked what time she wanted to come over tomorrow night?!

Mmmm, do you really want to marry into this drama? Because if she’s still doing this at 16 (when mostly dc start to mature somewhat) I, quite honestly would be fearing that this dynamic is potentially set for life.

And it really is something for your OH to manage.

You’ll get nil thanks for all you’re doing. Nor any recognition of your reasonableness.

Your OH being ‘reasonable’ (ie not putting in boundaries) is fuelling the fire.

What did he say when his ex demanded all this??? Because it’s his issue to solve.

If your OH doesn’t shift gears I would be questioning whether I wanted to live like this.

Ask his ex if she wants to go 50 /50 on a red carpet for your entrance way..
Your dsd is in for a big shock when she lives in The Real World and realises it doesn't revolve around her..

"
DP told ex this and she’s accused us of lying because SD16 has said otherwise.

Again it was said “well she’ll probably never want to stay at your house again”.

All this because DP rang SD16 and asked what time she wanted to come over tomorrow night?!"

Ok. Does the ex have nothing to fill her head with other than what's going on in your home and interfering?

Stop rising to the bait now. If SD doesnt want to come then leave her to stew at her mums. You can guarantee she'll be onto someone else to pick on soon.

Then you can crack on without going to the extra effort that wasn't appreciated. If SD is anything like the person I'm thinking of,
FOMO will bring her back quicker than you can say "entitled"

I decided to take the bull by the horns and rang DP’s ex.
She was surprisingly nice on the phone to me (first time for everything!)
I explained what had been happening in our house and how SD16 is always welcome etc but that she doesn’t get the red carpet treatment because there’s 4 children to consider (including ex & DP’s 12yo DD).

I actually think it did a lot of good. It seems as if SD16 is playing mum & dad off against each other’s and in her mum’s words doing the “poor orphan act” when the reality is she is actually pandered to and spoilt.

Sounds like mum is at the end of her tether because she’s hearing “I’m bored there, we don’t do anything. They don’t do anything for me. I don’t get anything”.

When in all actuality she is asked to come with us to do things but would rather see her friends (totally fine with this, but not ok with her pretending she hasn’t been asked). She moans that DP’s family don’t bother with her... again not true. They invite us as a family for bbqs, walks etc but SD16 chooses not to come.

I also made her mum aware of how many lifts we give her during the week, the extra bits of money we give her for treats, how often she pops in and out of ours for snacks / clothes / to use the toilet when she’s nearby. She is very much welcome here.

I think the conversation was a real eye opener for her mum as she wasn’t aware of any of this and I can imagine her thinking “bloody hell, I do everything and they won’t even do XYZ”

And then we’re thinking mum is being lazy because SD16 is constantly on the phone demanding stuff that her mum has apparently refused to do / buy.

All of this could be avoided if ex and DP BLOODY COMMUNICATED WITH EACH OTHER!!!!

I’m glad we’ve cleared the air but it shouldn’t have been down to me to sort their mess!!!
Ex is volatile in her moods with DP and DP is behaves like a wimp with his ex and daughters.

I’m happy to be the mediator if ex continues to be nice to me although I fear I will get the brunt of the anger at some stage if I do... so I’ll step back and encourage DP to get in contact with his ex more and actually talk!

Yeah this is a conversation that DP needed to have. Why didn’t he?

I would feel a bit about how he is handling things, tbh.

I am feeling that way @LatentPhase!
It’s so bizarre because in every walk of life my DP is a strong, confident man who never accept being a push over or spoken to badly.

But for some reason, when it comes to his ex and his DDs he because this scared, timid person that I don’t recognise

He becomes*

Well it’s the same with me, @SpongebobNoPants. Not sure if any consolation.

My DP is insightful and great communicator about everything. Everything, that is, except in convo with his ex and his dd.

I’ve seen DP get tongue-tied and ‘not know what to say’ at such thorny questions as, ‘Dad when will I see you next’

Dunno what that’s all about. But it’s piss poor and at the heart of all the drama and mess.

And he is therefore not someone I can build a life with.

He’s recently been downgraded to ‘boyfriend’

Which is interesting

Sounds very familiar!
My DP’s fear isn’t unwarranted though seeing as the threats to stop seeing him are very much real. I feel sad for him that his equate money with love and see that as the only positive thing about their relationship.
I’d be heartbroken if my kids viewed our relationship that way.

I’m not saying he’s blameless in creating this unhealthy dynamic, but it is definitely harder for the NRP to change things if the RP is unwilling.