Being held to ransom by SCs and Ex

[SpongebobNoPants]

Looooonnnnggg backstory which I won’t get fully into right now.

We’ve had quite a few incidents recently where either DP’s ex or his kids have essentially tried to hold us to ransom by demanding we do XYZ or they will stop coming to stay over / won’t come for dinner / will stop visiting. It’s almost always monetary in nature.

It’s really difficult watching my SDs treat DP this way and he’s decided to hold fast and stop giving into their demands, even if it means they refuse to see us for a while.

I’m not sure how to approach this as now demands are being placed on me so I feel like they’re setting me up to be the scapegoat if they decide not to come.

I have no experience of anything like this before. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What’s the best approach to take here?

Honestly OP, in your position I wouldn't be getting married. I am sorry to say that, but unless you have arranged water tight legal advice and inheritance tax planning the minute you get married, you will be handing over more power and rights to your step dc over your own assets. It sounds bad enough already.

Really feel for you op. We suddenly got demands for more money when we decided to get married. We are still getting letters from cms even though youngest sc has been at university since last year, he will be 20 in october!

speaking from experience I would definitely say the wedding is ramping things up at the ex's end.
Marriage is a very visible marker to the world in general that people have moved on & (like in my case) the ex will be aware that as you are about to become her ex's next of kin, you will gain the 'upper hand' in what she may still see as 'her' finances, her property etc

@Magda72 Our situation is a bit different because DP and his ex were never married and owned no property or joint finances. DP had only rented prior to us living together. She was never his next of kin and she has been engaged (although not anymore) since they split so I don’t think that’s the issue to be honest.

They were together just shy of 5 years but it was not a happy relationship with multiple affairs on her part which eventually culminated in them splitting up so I don’t think she’s bothered about DP in that sense.

I think she views the payment for our wedding as money that she should be getting and is jealous. She’s acting like she’s entitled to our joint savings and seems to forget that I am a high earned which is was has helped facilitate the purchase of our nice new home etc, whilst she chooses not to work.

@porridgecake my assets are secured legally and as awful as it sounds, my DP is considerably older than me so it’s unlikely he’ll outlive me.

Ah ok @SpongebobNoPants - sorry for jumping the gun!

I am glad to hear it OP. Just remember that a marriage immediately invalidates any will made prior to that marriage.
I have seen dreadful things happen to friends in this sort of situation.

I would have a conversation with your partner about how to move forward as to what is acceptable.
I mean obviously he has to pay CMS, but on top of that what does he can afford/put aside to spend on his children.

Make it very clear to SC, they are old enough to understand that what you buy/give to your children is nothing to do with them or their mother. Any and all demands is to tell them to ask their dad.

Any time either of them use the 'I demand to go home' get dad to take them home. And equally if they chose not come then carry on as normal don't let them affect your family life.

And hopefully they will grow out of this behaviour.

Just to give an idea as to what DP pays for on top of CMS

Phone bills - £77 pcm
Insurances for phones/iPads/laptops - £15 pcm
Dinner money for 1 child - £60 pcm
Bus pass for 1 child at £230 per term (£76pcm)
All hair cuts for both girls and colour for the eldest - £60 every 6 weeks
Glasses
Pocket money - no set amount but roughly £20 each a month
All electronics have been bought by him
All uniform
They take it in turns to buy expensive items of clothing such trainers and coats

And these are just the things off the top of my head! So roughly, including CMS and just the items listed about for regular payment, he’s paying over £700pcm. He’s not a high earner either!

@porridgecake

Honestly OP, in your position I wouldn't be getting married. I am sorry to say that, but unless you have arranged water tight legal advice and inheritance tax planning the minute you get married, you will be handing over more power and rights to your step dc over your own assets. It sounds bad enough already.

@porridgecake - what type of power and rights over assets do you have in mind?

That’s so hard because, insufferable little brats or not, they are his children and he loves them. They are taking advantage of his love, which to my mind is the root of many of the worst things a person can do to another person. They were made this way though, and the damage done to them may well last their whole lives. It’s very sad.
He’s doing the right thing by now holding the line. Continuing to pander to them is not going to win back their love or respect. I think he now has to let them go and trust that the years will bring them back to him when they are out of their mothers immediate orbit and have gained a bit of maturity. He’s losing them anyway so why prolong the agony?
Next time I’d just give them the sheets on the understanding that they will now sleep in a bare duvet at your house because they won’t be replaced (Or give them to the charity shop because I can be a little spiteful ) My DSD has always been told that her stuff is her stuff, whatever house it’s in, but if she takes from one house to another she will have to do without it next time unless she brings it back.

Joint assets, both families have the right to money and property. Unless new wills are made after marriage and respective property put into trust for named beneficiaries. I can see the step DC taking full advantage of anything not carefully and legally tied up. Everything needs to be revisited once a marriage takes place. I have just watched this unfold with a friend's estate. He became very ill and died in his late 40s. He hadn't made a new will after the marriage. Everything went to his very new wife and her DC. His own children were cut out. It has taken 4 years and thousands of £ to get his own DC their inheritance.

@SpongebobNoPants - I'm sorry you're suffering like this. Stepmothers are peculiarly vulnerable to blackmail, as the 'evil stepmother' title is held constantly over you as a threat. If it's any consolation, blackmail seems to be a very current weapon even in nuclear families these days - "we're the parents of your only grandchildren, so unless you ....., you don't get to see the dgc".

I'd be minded to scrap the big family wedding do and take full advantage of covid restrictions.

you have my sympathy @SpongebobNoPants

I suspect that the blackmailing is a mix of exw rolemodelling particularly manipulative behaviour to the children and SD picking up on it as a way to get whatever she demands. In our case it was this and we've always had SD witholding contact as a means of punishment.

In our case it took years to really take hold to monster proportions and it has taken a long time for my DH to stand up to it. it was always "but she wont see me for months if I dont buy her that or take her here or give her the money." and it cycled constantly with Fear obligation and Guilt being levelled at the poor guy. She's always circled back round to the one thing he didnt do when she was x age rather than all the lovely things we've done as a family and the experiences we've had. I said to him once you could give her a million £'s and she'd still find something to beat you with.

We were the same, gave both SC way over and above, pocket money, tech, money, clothing, meals out. I wisened up to it when SD started bollocking her dad if she ever found out that we'd been out for a meal without her "You owe me a Wagamama's" was one line that truly made me want to punch a wall in frustration. And did she get everything she wanted? God yes. for years.

It's all come to a head now. And the minute we stopped giving in she went properly rogue (to give any details on here would be massively outing). The sadness I have is that my husband is a lovely man who would do anything for his kids and whenever he's tried to push back and parent, his ex wife has undermined him and point scored all the way.

In hindsight if we had put a stop to all demands immediately and not given either of them a hint of us caving we wouldnt have hit the extremes we're at now. Please think about the short term impact of putting your foot down (moreso your husband but this will all affect you both as it escalates if not) and if she sulks for 6 months, let her. You will respect your husband more if he parents her hard rather than allowing her to walk all over your home and your marriage.

"You owe me a Wagamama's" was one line that truly made me want to punch a wall in frustration
It’s so bizarre you’ve posted that because I’ve heard the EXACT same line from SD16!!!

She’s kicking off today because we haven’t taken her for lunch since lockdown restrictions eased?! We haven’t been out to eat ourselves yet, we work full time and she didn’t come to us on our last contact weekend.

She is screaming that we don’t do anything with her. Wellllll we’ve in lockdown until only a couple of weeks ago and every time we’ve suggested going to a walk / hike / bike ride / picnic then she hasn’t wanted to come. If we stay at home and suggest things she moans it’s boring.

I’m not entirely sure what she wants us to do???

Yep, we've had all of this. And we've had "I'll only come for a walk if you buy me a hot choc from the cafe halfway round" OK. Don't come then.

We've had bedclothes disappear to her mum's house along with toiletries over the years, stuff from my room, she hit the roof when we booked a long weekend break one easter without the kids. She occasionally threw her dad a crumb which he hoovered up when she wanted something (But I neeeeeeeed that topshop coat) a week later he was dead to her because of something else that he did ten years ago.

We've always been monitored by her to the point that EVERYTHING we did was criticised. Especially if her dad bought a new T-shirt or went out for the night. Now we just don't tell her anything but I appreciate it must be much harder for you having kids of your own as well (I dont have any kids)

@Dollyparton3 everything you wrote is eerily similar.
Did her mum encourage this behaviour? DP’s ex seems to enjoy the drama and treats the relationship between the kids and DP like a game she can manipulate.

This thread is so heart breaking and really eye opening and scary for me a step mum who could possibly have to face this. End of the day there is a harsh world out there that doesn't care how load you scream for treats and money. You have to get some grit and determination to make your own way, at 16 my dad told me to get a part job if I wanted extras and start to earn money to pay for what I wanted .and it was the best thing for me. Taught me life skills the value of money and hard work and that NOTHING is for free. I agree with all everyone has said about turning the money tap off and not being black mailed. It's is doing this young girl no good in the long run and shame on her mother for exasperating this.

@Dollyparton3 and Sponge, I don't know how you can be putting up with all that behaviour and still have any patience or affection left, they'd have got very short shrift from me from the start!

@aSofaNearYou neither DP or I have any patience for it to be honest. However it has been a slow rise up over time of “but I need this”, minor things, small amounts of money here and there.

But there seems to have been a huge escalation since Christmas time. First was SD16 wanting us to buy a pair of £600 trainers for her birthday (absolutely ridiculous request but was wholeheartedly supported by her mother). We said no obviously.
It’s ramped up since then. Every time we’ve bought anything for the house or for ourselves they try to interrogate us... “Why did you buy that?” “How much did that cost?” “Why did you need a new bag?”

I don’t even respond but it doesn’t stop them angrily asking. I feel like we’re being told off at times, like they’re demanding to know how I appropriate our finances.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Dollyparton3 everything you wrote is eerily similar.
Did her mum encourage this behaviour? DP’s ex seems to enjoy the drama and treats the relationship between the kids and DP like a game she can manipulate.[/quote]
Her mum has played favourites ever since the divorce (that was years before I arrived on the scene)

Over time if DH has ever tried to discipline SD the ex has undermined him every time. She sees it as an opportunity to make DH out to be the bad guy sadly.

That's really how we've escalated now to the point that there's nowhere for us to go.

And yes @aSofaNearYou there's no affection left from me. The minute I backed DH with an opinion I was told firmly where to go by SD. I've been here 8 years now cooking nice meals, paying for holidays, organising nice things to do. But it's SD's way or the high way and if you're not spoiling her then it appears there's no time in her life for me.

@Dollyparton3 our situation is really weird because their DM doesn’t try to play favourites, if anything she thinks we should do everything for the kids and she would ideally want us to have the kids every weekend and all holidays etc (basically any time she has to actually parent them) but only if CMS stayed the same.
She’s bizarre because she flip flops between demanding we have the kids on such and such dates and then say a few days later that if we don’t book Ubers for them on her weekends then they won’t stay over anymore

These stories are such a sad testiment to the actual end result of being so focused on getting one up over your ex you will actually mould your kids into unlikeable people to do it. I can't understand it myself.

@aSofaNearYou the thing is I really don’t understand why she’s trying to get one up on DP? He’s a really good dad, he’s helpful to his ex in terms of practical stuff and flexible with changing dates if she needs him to etc.
I hear him call her and he’s polite and nice on the phone but in return he gets rudeness and aggressiveness from her.
I genuinely don’t understand it In the 6 years I’ve been with him I’ve never known him be anything but calm and kind to everyone. Literally everyone that meets him thinks he’s a really nice man (including my ex!)

I don't understand it either . In our case it appears that the mum just wants the kids to hate their dad no matter what and she wants to ruin him anyway she can. She battled him through court for contact (for no reason whatsoever, she was one of those people who just weaponised the kids). Her parents funded the court battle from her side as they're wealthy, he was stuck with a £12k bill for basic EOW contact.

They've always been told that they can't have this or have that at home because "your dad doesnt pay me enough money for that". When I met him he was paying over the CSA amount and as much as he could afford, to the level that he shopped in charity shops for clothes. When SD started being a manipulative wotsit she used to report back to her mum on what they did "Oh your dad took you to Mcdonalds did he? Well it's nice that he can afford that because we can't"

One week my SD walked into her dads kitchen and found a half empty bottle of vodka on the side, held it up and said" How much did this cost? You should be spending your money on me, not alcohol" she was 14 at the time. I had to leave the room.

My ex hadn't been on holiday for years when i met him but his ex went on holiday every year twice with the kids, worked part time and had just extended the back of her house. All the while with the kids believing that their dad was selfish with his money. You can see how this very quickly snowballed with SD and her obsession of "whats in it for me if I visit"