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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Being held to ransom by SCs and Ex

122 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 15:01

Looooonnnnggg backstory which I won’t get fully into right now.

We’ve had quite a few incidents recently where either DP’s ex or his kids have essentially tried to hold us to ransom by demanding we do XYZ or they will stop coming to stay over / won’t come for dinner / will stop visiting. It’s almost always monetary in nature.

It’s really difficult watching my SDs treat DP this way and he’s decided to hold fast and stop giving into their demands, even if it means they refuse to see us for a while.

I’m not sure how to approach this as now demands are being placed on me so I feel like they’re setting me up to be the scapegoat if they decide not to come.

I have no experience of anything like this before. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What’s the best approach to take here?

OP posts:
acceptableinthe80sx · 25/04/2021 17:54

Just refuse. He pays CMS their needs comes out of that from now on, if stops contact take her to court.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 17:57

To be clear, we are now bowing to their demands at all. It’s so hard though.
It’s so sad seeing my partner so torn up by this Sad
He said earlier he feels like he’s a cash machine or just viewed as a convenience which is awful. He’s hurting.

He’s also said he thinks his ex will do something dramatic and try and ruin our upcoming wedding and I think he’s probably right. We’ve already had demands from his kids such as “I want this style bridesmaid dress” which I’ve vetoed (think fitted, fishtail white satin). Also due to venue and financial restrictions we’ve decided we’ll only have family children but my SD’s are already kicking up a stink because they want to invite their friends. My kids aren’t having their friends there either, and we haven’t invited our extended wedding party’s children so it’s not like we’re singling them out or being unfair. All their cousins will be there who are of similar ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 17:58

@Aprilshowersandhail yes to both. And also soooo much more

OP posts:
RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 25/04/2021 18:07

I would keep doing what you are doing, but also, if he's not doing this already, I'd recommend your DH sends his DCs regular "I love you" messages just to remind them that he does and that there are things other than money that matter.

Congratulations on your wedding Flowers

EasterEggBelly · 25/04/2021 18:11

@PanamaPattie

Just say no to everything. Don’t give in to their demands. No more pinging money. You are being used.
This 👆

Cue being held to ransom. “Fine. I want to go home NOW!” from SD12
Reply: OK. DP can drive you back now.

Stop giving in. Call their bluff.

Personally I’d keep a diary to refer back to if/when they say you are to blame for the breakdown of the relationship.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 18:37

Stop giving in. Call their bluff
We aren’t giving in at all! But it seems to be making no difference to be honest

OP posts:
toocold54 · 25/04/2021 18:41

How old are they?

I’d personally be calling their bluff but if that’s too difficult your DP could start taking more time to get them the things they want - he could say he doesn’t have the money right now it’ll have to wait until next week, or he’ll get it but as Xmas or bday is coming up they’ll have to wait until then to get them - so they’re not completely getting their way all of the time but also so he doesn’t feel guilty.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 18:47

@toocold54 they’re 16 & 12. He already does those things, the demanding things attitude has always been there but seems to have ramped up recently. I think maybe it’s because we’re planning our wedding and bought a bigger house last year, his ex is undoubtedly jealous and seems to have a view that my money should also be getting spent on SDs, not just their dad’s.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 25/04/2021 19:29

Don't give in, if they want to go home, your oh drops them off. If they don't want to come around they don't have to. Realistically they are probably getting to an age where contact will drop as they would rather hang out with their own friends. Stick to your guns re the wedding . It is a shame when parents use their children against their ex partner, it is her children that will ultimately lose out.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 19:32

The funny thing is I don’t understand her anger towards DP? His ex in the last few years seems to really hate him. She didn’t at the start of our relationship but it seems as the years have gone by and we’ve progressed our lives she’s got more and more bitter and angry. I don’t understand it?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 25/04/2021 19:39

Totally agree not to give in about the wedding. And looks even more like these demands are as much about power as materialism.

If your DP starts to struggle, remind him that if his DDs don’t understand these lessons now, they will struggle when they are older. He’s doing them a favour by being realistic now.

user648482729 · 25/04/2021 20:09

We’ve had similar behaviour from the ex a lot but so far DSD hasn’t tried anything like that; DH often ended up giving in to the ex as she would stop contact if she didn’t get her way. She would frame it as reasonable requests such as for music classes but then DSD would never go so DH would say I’ll pay the school directly etc and it died down a bit as really she wanted the cash and wasn’t getting it.
It’s an impossible situation to be put in.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/04/2021 20:54

@SpongebobNoPants

The funny thing is I don’t understand her anger towards DP? His ex in the last few years seems to really hate him. She didn’t at the start of our relationship but it seems as the years have gone by and we’ve progressed our lives she’s got more and more bitter and angry. I don’t understand it?
Can you really not see why she might feel differently now compared to early dating?

He needs to focus on the relationship with his children. They are old enough to talk to properly rather than have them not having contact as he may regret that in future if the relationship with them declines or fades.

Aprilshowersandhail · 25/04/2021 21:06

They want it go home? Let them get the bloody bus!! More than capable at their ages.
.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 21:06

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss it wasn’t “early dating” though. They’d been split for 6 years when DP and I met. He’d had a 3 year committed relationship in between his ex and me and also ex was living with another man.

OP posts:
MyGorramShip · 25/04/2021 21:09

Who are these women? If one of my DC tried this bollocks I’d hand their arse to them.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 21:10

@MyGorramShip me too!

OP posts:
MyGorramShip · 25/04/2021 21:12

DD12 tried it on this week, “Daddy says...”

I got my phone out

“Shall we ring Daddy now to find out exactly what he says? Or maybe I could show you our text messages discussing this matter?”

She soon STFU Grin

MyGorramShip · 25/04/2021 21:15

Also, my Dad would have wet himself laughing if I’d attempted any such demands.

My step Mum caved a few times (to asking for a lift, but only as she was in the area, and I didn’t ask often).

Taxis weren’t a thing and I think a lot of online abilities like pinging money and Uber and takeaway food have fucked parents over in some ways.

TryingToBeLogical · 25/04/2021 23:19

I’m not specifically suggesting this because I don’t know if it’s been tried already, or might make things worse, but what would your stepdaughter say if you pointed out the obvious? “Are you saying you don’t want to come visit unless we give you ___ (bribery item/cost?). Don’t you want to come because we’re/he’s your dad/family?”

Often people know they are being awful, but count on others’ politeness or discomfort in acknowledging it. They will angrily deny the “accusation”, but are then aware that a carpet-calling may occur next time!

CervixHaver · 25/04/2021 23:31

I think you should both sit the girls down and be extremely firm (preferably just before they're due to go home, so they can't effectively flounce!), making it abundantly clear that these constant demands are to STOP - NOW.
Maybe add in how it's making their Dad feel sad all the time (adjust that sentence age appropriately) and it's affecting you as well. Then lay down some very much needed boundaries & rules. If they're not adhered to then X, Y or Z are the consequences

CervixHaver · 25/04/2021 23:37

Also re: the wedding, I would STRONGLY advise you give the ex a false date for it! Preferably after when it really is, (making sure the girls are due to be with you on the actual date of course), then spring it on the girls as close to the ceremony as you can.
I know they likely have phones and their Mum could still interfere if she really wanted to, but this way it makes it a hell of a lot less likely!!?

DoomscroIIer · 25/04/2021 23:50

What others have said.

  1. Grey rock 'You'll have to ask your Dad'.
  2. Or block on your phone for your own mental health.
  3. Ignore any potential Wedding sabotage - if the kids do not attend that's on them/their Mum.
  4. Diarize/spreadsheet all the requests - date, time, amount requested, reason, method asked e.g. text (Keep it for you so you can see any trend, pattern, frequency, repeat request and look how reasonable/unreasonable it is at the end of the month. Plus some things requested might then go onto rewards/birthday/Xmas lists. At the minute they are equating love with commodities. Generosity and Support are not just financial. At a later date, when there is the inevitable fallout, if they are not so damned entitled/bitter when grown up, you can refer them back to it and remind them they only got in touch when they wanted something).
You have to work as a team with your partner and continue backing each other up, ignoring the emotional blackmail lovey.
Malena77 · 26/04/2021 07:27

Disengage. For your own sanity sake. Even though it sounds that you and DP work as a team, ultimately you’ll end up being the scapegoat if things get really bad. It must be extremely upsetting for him to be treated this way by his own children - but he and he only can change this unhealthy dynamic. Support him but don’t be the driving force of any discussions, rules setting etc. Look after yourself.

Magda72 · 26/04/2021 07:49

Hi @SpongebobNoPants, speaking from experience I would definitely say the wedding is ramping things up at the ex's end. Marriage is a very visible marker to the world in general that people have moved on & (like in my case) the ex will be aware that as you are about to become her ex's next of kin, you will gain the 'upper hand' in what she may still see as 'her' finances, her property etc.
Also from my experience if she is ramping up stuff about money & weddings around the girls they will nearly inevitably start mimicking & taking on this behaviour. I know my ex dp's dc certainly did & he too felt like noting more that an atm & taxi service.
As a pp said upthread I would actually start naming these behaviours to them & calling them out on them - "sdc you appear to be saying that if you don't get what you want you won't come see us? That's a pretty unpleasant attitude to have given everything that is already done for you but if that's how you feel so be it, we are not giving in to financial demands made by anyone including you".
Call all their bluffs.
You're lucky that your dp is so on the ball with this stuff & the key now is for him to hold firm. My exdp gave in to financial demands way to much & honestly I can see him having to dish out money to his dc until the end of time!
I would also give a fake date for the wedding! Best be safe than sorry!

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