Being held to ransom by SCs and Ex

[SpongebobNoPants]

Looooonnnnggg backstory which I won’t get fully into right now.

We’ve had quite a few incidents recently where either DP’s ex or his kids have essentially tried to hold us to ransom by demanding we do XYZ or they will stop coming to stay over / won’t come for dinner / will stop visiting. It’s almost always monetary in nature.

It’s really difficult watching my SDs treat DP this way and he’s decided to hold fast and stop giving into their demands, even if it means they refuse to see us for a while.

I’m not sure how to approach this as now demands are being placed on me so I feel like they’re setting me up to be the scapegoat if they decide not to come.

I have no experience of anything like this before. Has anyone experienced anything similar? What’s the best approach to take here?

Tell the SD 12 she can't come when it's not your weekend to have her. She's the one who's there all the time? DH tell her, not you. Or he tells ex and she tells both of them. 12 is old enough for a bus if ex refused to collect when it's her turn. If it's walking distance don't give bus fare, ex should be providing it. Then you and DH have a break from all this EOW at the moment you get no break. Turn phone off when it's not your turn to have them. DH get second phone so he can contact you. Any disaster can be dealt with by the resident parent ie his ex. A voicemail or text will be left if it's emergency, he can check 3x per day. If its not emergency don't respond immediately take time to think what he wants to reply. Then switch off phone again between checks, don't leave it on waiting for replies.

Look at the paragraph ps you’re typing out over this bloke and his awful kids. You really want decades more of this shit? The sole point of a relationship is that it’s meant to enhance your life, it’s meant to be fun. I can’t understand why you want this as your life.

*paragraphs

But @SpongebobNoPants I don’t buy that. The demands on your resources, lifts, money, takeaways, are entirely your OH’s domain. Nothing to do with ex. He can, quite simply, say ‘no’ and explain why. Like a parent.

@SpongebobNoPants

I am feeling that way *@LatentPhase*! It’s so bizarre because in every walk of life my DP is a strong, confident man who never accept being a push over or spoken to badly.

But for some reason, when it comes to his ex and his DDs he because this scared, timid person that I don’t recognise

Well it’s the same with me, @SpongebobNoPants. Not sure if any consolation.

My DP is insightful and great communicator about everything. Everything, that is, except in convo with his ex and his dd.

I’ve seen DP get tongue-tied and ‘not know what to say’ at such thorny questions as, ‘Dad when will I see you next’ hmm

Dunno what that’s all about. But it’s piss poor and at the heart of all the drama and mess.

If the relationship with the ex is psychologically abusive, that could be what's causing the men's reaction. The abused party fears every word they say/don't say because no matter what they say/do it'll be 'wrong'.

That’s one possibility, @AmberIsACertainty

In which case they are not in a good position to combine children/lives/finances get married to someone else who also has kids.

I want to point out that DP does say no, that’s why the threats started! He’s not being a pushover he’s saying no and not giving in... but then all the drama starts and I can see him being an anxious wreck. It’s almost like he’s scared of them to be honest.
SD16 has discovered that threatening to withhold contact from her dad and then lying to each parent means she’s been getting what she wants.

she does for some reason think SDs birthday and Christmas presents should be split 3 ways between her, DP and me. Although when I pointed out that she hasn’t included her own DP in those calculations she said “but I don’t work so that’s not fair”

How bizzare they she thinks this. The only split should be between her and your DP... and quite frankly nobody needs £600 trainers. If you're parents aren't rolling in money, it's ridiculous and to have one parent encouraging it, is crazy.

Ex is ranting at us because we don’t make SD16 feel “special” enough when she’s here. We just treat her as a normal part of the family?

My DP’s fear isn’t unwarranted though seeing as the threats to stop seeing him are very much real.

His Ex likes childfree time though doesn't she. Would they really stop seeing him?

Plus he no longer has to pay CS when the eldest is 18...a few more years afterwards it stops for the younger one. It would be very foolish of them to cut him off, because their unemployed mother won't be able to do much.

None of them are very smart. I used to say to my DD when she was being a pain, that she shouldn't bite the hand that feeds her. She didn't quite understand what I meant, but I explained, at this stage of her life as much as I loved her, she needed me more than I needed her and the kind of behaviour she was displaying, wasn't going to help her.

What are these girls being taught about financial independence as they grow up?

@SpongebobNoPants

The funny thing is I don’t understand her anger towards DP? His ex in the last few years seems to really hate him. She didn’t at the start of our relationship but it seems as the years have gone by and we’ve progressed our lives she’s got more and more bitter and angry. I don’t understand it?

You said it yourself, she's jealous. Not of you having DP, but of you both having the happy life and relationship she wishes she'd had. Her own life doesn't sound like it's progressed at all. Has she made a life for herself or just focused totally on children? Because if he has no job or skills or training and no plans to get them, then she will be up a creek withiut a paddle when she's down to nothing more than jobseekers allowance and the housing benefit rate for a one bedroom flat. Either her children will have to work and chip in with bills once they're 18 or they'll have to work and move out so she can downsize. She's on track to lose everything, unless she does something about it, but seems like she's chosen to go into a permanent jealous rage instead. Nothing you can do about the way she chooses to live her life.

*if she has - typo, not he has

then all the drama starts and I can see him being an anxious wreck. It’s almost like he’s scared of them to be honest.

Psychological abuse is scary to be in the receiving end of. To outsiders it looks like just say no, but if it was that easy nobody would ever get away with it. Saying no is hard, walking away from abuse when you love someone is hard. Getting an abusive person to change their behaviour is almost impossible, but with children who've not yet finished maturing there's some hope I suppose.

@LatentPhase totally true! Unfortunately the world is full of people who aren't fit to be in a relationship but who are seeking one anyway. Sucks for the people they get together with. I think the damaged are more likely to seek a relationship because they're looking for someone to fix their problems somehow (subconscious perhaps) or don't realise they're damaged, more than people who are 💯 fine and happy to be single unless the right person comes along. Like, if a relationship is meant to enhance your life, then if your life is shit already any relationship probably enhances it a bit. Not saying your partners don't love you but they're massively benefiting from someone to share the mental load of their toxic relationship with their exes with. People do tend to be quite self centered and do what's best for them though don't they. Men more so than women I think, although these particular exes are having a fair crack at it!

Do not give that child another penny of your money. And quite frankly enjoy the peace when they don't come. Would be a win win for me. And as for the psycho ex, laugh it off and ignore. Feel for your husband but for you....screw them!

I was thinking that a shared on line calendar could work well which ex can see and ALL the DC.

So on it you mark the EOW they are due and any family events they are invited to regardless of which weekend it is etc.

Also you could attach shopping list requests and take away votes etc. Lift requests could go on the calendar as could times when you have hobby/work commitments.

This will help stop the playing off against one another and cut down on the need for discussion between ex and you guys.

I would also have 2nd locks fitted so the DSC can't come in when you are away as I can see things disappearing!

@SpongebobNoPants

I want to point out that DP does say no, that’s why the threats started! He’s not being a pushover he’s saying no and not giving in... but then all the drama starts and I can see him being an anxious wreck. It’s almost like he’s scared of them to be honest. SD16 has discovered that threatening to withhold contact from her dad and then lying to each parent means she’s been getting what she wants.

If you've been saying no, how is she getting what she wants?

In this position I think some straight talking is required.

Your DH needs to sit down with his children and tell them that their behaviour is appalling.

Be clear that he won't be blackmailed (and stress that this is what it is) and that they need to realise this very nasty and manipulative behaviour that will have life long consequences if they adopt it as their MO in relationships in the future.

In addition I'd talk them through everything he funds already and state that if they are going to treat him like a cash machine he's going act like one by imposing much stricter controls over how much "cash" they can withdraw - with every manipulative request reducing the available "balance".

Yes, they probably will kick off and maybe even refuse to visit for a while but he absolutely needs to stamp this behaviour out and make them understand how shitty it is because if he doesn't then he's not doing his job as a parent.

Being scared of your children isn't basis from which you can parent effectively.

It's how you "raise" self entitled brats who think everyone owes them whatever they want when the stamp their feet.

Reminds me of this case where the daughters called their father "the chequebook" and were then surprised he cut them out of his will when he'd finally had enough of their treatment of him.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9504515/amp/Millionaire-banking-bosss-daughters-LOSE-court-battle-step-mother-7m-estate.html

Dh could stop answering the phone as he is 'too busy with work' and needs them to txtand he'll get back to them as soon as . It's a bit harder to whinge and whine and demand things if it's down in black and white.
Close your Uber account.
I feel DHcan take a bit more control over this - what about getting a second business and friends phone then being busy at work or whatever if DCs call on the old phone. Doing the calls in the evening, next day.

I think there is a deep seated fear with a lot of NRP's that because they 'left' their kids (in their minds at least) eventually their kids will leave them. That's what I think it is in its most basic terms and I see it in my DH even now when the SDC are adults so I can understand why your DH seems anxious and 'scared of them', he's afraid of losing his DC.

Haven't got much in the way of advice to offer and you seem to have it in hand anyway OP, just thought it might help to understand what's likely to be behind your DH's fear and anxiety.

Have you considered a group WhatsApp with their Mum.
Request for uber by text, reply in WhatsApp group much later such as "sorry, was busy just saw you asked for uber a while ago. Is everything OK? Is your Mum okay? (subtle reference to is your mum not willing or able to get you?) Are you unable to get to your Mum's because there's a problem (why are you asking me not her?.

Re takeaway. "looking forward to seeing you both tomorrow. It's X turn to choose takeaway this week. What is your order from x menu. Its Y next week. You going for Chinese again?"

Cuts down down opportunity to play people off against each other.

I am feeling that way @LatentPhase*!
It’s so bizarre because in every walk of life my DP is a strong, confident man who never accept being a push over or spoken to badly.

But for some reason, when it comes to his ex and his DDs he because this scared, timid person that I don’t recognise*
@SpongebobNoPants & @LatentPhase my exdp was exactly the same & I've never figured it out!
By the time we split he had gotten way better at saying 'no' to the ex & while he could see some of his dcs' behaviours weren't great he had NO ability to stand up to them/call them out. In NO other aspect of his life was he like this.
I've no advice unfortunately & I don't think it's something that will change unless the parent in question sees it & is prepared to get tough on the dc.

How does this enhance your life? The theatrics are your boyfriends choice,, he can deal with it, stay out of it entirely. Is this what you want in life? Do you not want peace and happiness? You could be enjoying life right now, I wonder what exactly makes your boyfriend worse all this.

I can think of situations in the past when I had pushy relatives/neighbours etc demanding I do such and such for them. Fortunately there were no smart phones or no internet back then so I developed the techniques of being "very difficult" to contact.

I feel sorry for people now in this age of universal smart phones/email/social media. However I also feel that users of these devices and facilities often leave themselves open to this kind of abuse by being "always available".

Even for these devices there are techniques:-

phone left in other room
poor reception
low battery
no credit
blocking
and believe it or not phone turned off.