Being honest, how would you cope if your step children suddenly lived with you full-time?

[DrFoo]

I was thinking about this today after a pretty chaotic and noisy weekend and I realised I would actually really struggle with this and I feel it would likely change my relationship completely with my husband.

It was a pretty hard thing to admit to myself actually as I really do like my DSC, we get on really well but I also look forward to and cherish the break too and I think I'd really struggle without it (DSC here 50:50).

How would you cope? (Would you even?!)

*my baby DDs

@catlovingdoctor

To flip the question, imagine just having a step parent move in and be expected to adjust !

Yes. Why would you inflict this on your own children?

Husband’s kids moved in 100% now 2 years ago. They are now both teens now. I feel it is so much better! My husband was happy to have his child’s all the time instead of every weekend. He does all the parenting.

I work away from home some days of the weekdays so I get some family life break! I also visit family and friends on my own. So I get a balance now - I can get my own time, SC have time with dad and we have also have family time!

No more stress texts or calls, last min change of plans, sad sundays, sky high child maintenance! Great

It happened overnight. She got arrested and the kids moved straight in. They had been here 3 or 4 nights a week anyway around her whims. I changed jobs to fit around DP so we could provide childcare.

Years later their mother still plays victim and we are monsters. And the kids seem to forget the abuse and horrible things she did.

@CornishGem1975

Totally honest - if that happened now, I think it would kill our relationship. I'd 'cope' but I wouldn't be happy and I think I would end up leaving.

Same here

Sad @PollyPepper but true.

Happened to me. 2 stepkids removed from their mother by social services one day and came to us 180 miles away. Very little discussion and you cant really say you don't want them to live with you in those kinds of circumstances can you.
It's been the worst 3 years of my life, I have felt suicidal because of it and the effects its had on my daughters. Their mother truly does not give a stuff about them and has since had another baby but the kids are still holding out for her to change.

I would leave and I’m not joking!

Ha, I couldn't even cope with living with my partners kids part-time. I have 3 and he has two. We all lived together for just over a year and it was a nightmare. I have my own house with my kids now.
I wouldn't do it if you paid me!

@LatentPhase

I wouldn’t last a week. Potentially not even 24hrs. That’s why I will continue to live separately from DP.

It’s the only way to retain a semblance of sanity.

A million percent agree with this.

I'm not a step mum, but would like to think I'd give it a good shot- I doubt it would be easy though and I take my hats off to anyone who does it! I think it's something you have to consider when you move in with someone who has children.

I'm surprised by some of the remarks here. When I moved in with my DP I asked myself honestly would I be ok with his challenging children living with us full-time and I decided I would. Otherwise I would not have done it.

Although I suppose its feasible that people changed their minds after living the reality and that's fair enough.

We nearly had DP's eldest living with us full-time with no discussion because her mother calmly told her she couldn't tolerate her and if things didn't change she wouldn't be allowed in the house. I found this bizarre. What child has conditions for being allowed to stay living at home? There seemed to be an assumption that she (the ex) would decide how much we had her and full-time if that's how she wanted it. I put my foot down and said if big decisions were being made that involved me I was to be part of the discussion. Everybody seemed a bit surprised, I think they all (ex, DSD, DP) assumed I would go along with whatever they all arranged. I smugly thought I had made my voice heard.

Imagine my surprise when shortly afterwards DSD moved in with us unannounced age 15 without bothering to tell anyone. She just mentioned it in passing to someone in my company - this was obviously her way of letting us know. The mother shrugged and said fine she was sick of her. I just decided to go with it. It all seemed to be going ok-ish.

A few months later she went back to her mother's and is NC with us.

We still haven't got to the bottom of it.

This thread is so sad. I have my own 3dc and im also raising my stepson. I wouldn't have it any other way, yes it is damn hard but we are a family, if my dp accepts and treats my kids as his why would I not do the same?

@ZeroFuchsGiven

This thread is so sad. I have my own 3dc and im also raising my stepson. I wouldn't have it any other way, yes it is damn hard but we are a family, if my dp accepts and treats my kids as his why would I not do the same?

Because mostly it ain’t all that simple!

If it is that simple for you, @ZeroFuchsGiven then I’d say you’re lucky (very, very lucky) and possibly in the minority.

@bogoffmda

For those of you without kids of your own - I get the ztruggle but isn't this a double standard.

For those of you with DCS you expect your DP to accept your DCS often 24/7 isn't there a bit of a double standard here.

I don’t have children. I and we would be fine if DSD came to live with us full time. In many ways life would be simplified!

No one should consider a relationship with a parent without understanding that its entirely possible the children will live with you full time. If you don't get this you're an idiot.

@Willyoujustbequiet

No one should consider a relationship with a parent without understanding that its entirely possible the children will live with you full time. If you don't get this you're an idiot.

@Willyoujustbequiet I don't think that acknowledging that you would find it hard makes you an idiot. I would think someone who naively assumes it will be easy for them because they like the children is more of an idiot to be honest

Mine did. Hard to start with but actually then was mostly easier than him visiting because his mum had a lot less control which was a big issue.

@Willyoujustbequiet

No one should consider a relationship with a parent without understanding that its entirely possible the children will live with you full time. If you don't get this you're an idiot.

I think people on here just bristle at this subject because they don't like the idea that step parents and potentially their partners are just getting on with their lives when the step children aren't there and aren't forever holding out for more contact. Yes it,'s a possibility, but honestly it's quite a remote one. Lots of things are a remote possibility.The truth is for DSS to move in with us he would have to move an hour away and totally uproot his education and friendships etc. He loves his life there and has a perfectly adequate mother, he's unlikely to choose or be allowed to choose such a big change. Yes, she could die, but again, it's not that likely. We have considered the possibility and acknowledged that it has potential to cause a problem later on, but it's unlikely enough not to have dictated our decision on whether to be together.

I think I’d quite like it. But then DSS is 21.

@Willyoujustbequiet

No one should consider a relationship with a parent without understanding that its entirely possible the children will live with you full time. If you don't get this you're an idiot

I did consider it and I went into this relationship (and soon to be married) being honest with my DP and I have never hidden the fact that if it ever happened we would have to live separately his kids had flown the nest.
I have been a single parent, I raise my children near enough single handedly and I do not want to have full time responsibility for 2 more children in my household... it’s also why I’ve ruled out having any more biological children.

My DP is ok with this, he understands it would be an enormous ask of me and he knows it would be unfair. So it came down to it, we would live separately for a while.

I am not willing to disadvantage my own children to care for someone else’s is the long and short of it. His kids needs do not outrank mine in importance in my life.

It wouldn’t happen to me because I wouldn’t get involved with a man with children, I’d rather be single. I sincerely hope I live to a ripe old age or at least until my children are adults so my children don’t need to live with whoever their dad is shagging and her wishing they weren’t there.

The only way I could cope with it is with major changes to how my DP's contact time goes at the moment. And I don't think that would happen, I don't think my DP would suddenly implement a load of rules, earlier bedtimes, encourage them to spend time doing things independently etc etc.

It would just be like one long, never-ending 'fun' weekend and I just couldn't cope with it.

@Lbnc2021

It wouldn’t happen to me because I wouldn’t get involved with a man with children, I’d rather be single. I sincerely hope I live to a ripe old age or at least until my children are adults so my children don’t need to live with whoever their dad is shagging and her wishing they weren’t there.

And you've come on the step-parents board and into a thread specifically asking a question of step-parents just to say that it would happen to you because you'd never be in that position???

@Lbnc2021

It wouldn’t happen to me because I wouldn’t get involved with a man with children, I’d rather be single. I sincerely hope I live to a ripe old age or at least until my children are adults so my children don’t need to live with whoever their dad is shagging and her wishing they weren’t there.

Let's hope "whoever their dad is shagging" doesn't ever have to deal with his kids and by extension "who he used to be shagging", too 🙄