Being honest, how would you cope if your step children suddenly lived with you full-time?

[DrFoo]

I was thinking about this today after a pretty chaotic and noisy weekend and I realised I would actually really struggle with this and I feel it would likely change my relationship completely with my husband.

It was a pretty hard thing to admit to myself actually as I really do like my DSC, we get on really well but I also look forward to and cherish the break too and I think I'd really struggle without it (DSC here 50:50).

How would you cope? (Would you even?!)

Oh dear, touched a nerve 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes. Yes I did.

@Lbnc2021 my goodness you’re rude.
The woman their “dad is shagging” might be a lovely positive influence in their lives. I know I certainly am with my SCs... and to be honest I’m a much better role model than their mother!

@Lbnc2021

It wouldn’t happen to me because I wouldn’t get involved with a man with children, I’d rather be single. I sincerely hope I live to a ripe old age or at least until my children are adults so my children don’t need to live with whoever their dad is shagging and her wishing they weren’t there.

What a nasty post. How smug - many of us have had our lives turned upside down by partners having affairs / going AWOL / dying...this was never part of our life plan for ourselves or our children. There are equally many women who leave marriages for a variety of reasons. What makes you so sure that you will never be in a position in which your children have a step-parent / step parent figure? None of us knows what's around the corner in life.

I have two DCs, as does DH to a previous marriage.
If they came to live with us full time our relationship absolutely wouldn't survive.

DSS5 - we would be fine and in some ways I'd welcome it as I think he would be happier and better behaved living here full time.

DSD11 - I'd leave my husband if he got full custody. I love her but I couldn't live with her attitude full time and I certainly couldn't live with DHs disney parenting and bowing to her every whim full time. Wouldnt be fair on the rest of the kids. Eow is more than enough of that.

In many ways I think I'd prefer it.

I love the SCs, they're great, and the thing that has me tearing my hair out is their mum stopping and starting contact as a control mechanism / as it suits her and creating constant drama.

Presumably if they were here full time we wouldn't have to deal with her nonsense.

However, that only works if they came to live with us (say) because they chose to.

In any other scenario there has been some tragedy which means they are here and I wouldn't want that for anyone. So I certainly wouldn't prefer that.

I'd still be more than willing to have them, this is their home too, but it would all be awful for them and they would be deeply upset. Which would no doubt cause all sorts of other issues etc.

Basically yes - I'd love them full time here, but the set of circumstances to make that would be horrendous and damaging and who knows how any of us would cope.

@ShinyGreenElephant

DSS5 - we would be fine and in some ways I'd welcome it as I think he would be happier and better behaved living here full time.

DSD11 - I'd leave my husband if he got full custody. I love her but I couldn't live with her attitude full time and I certainly couldn't live with DHs disney parenting and bowing to her every whim full time. Wouldnt be fair on the rest of the kids. Eow is more than enough of that.

I'm similar to this. SD1 is lovely, great with my baby DDs and generally nice to have around. If it meant the toxic drama with her mum would disappear...I'd take it. SD1 is the opposite...'challenging bebehaviour' as her parents put it. I have a different way of describing it that I'll refrain from posting. It's so bad I'd take her shitty mother and all her drama over living full time with this child. If they did move in full time, I'd be moving out and it would be up to DH whether he would want to continue with the marriage living seperately.

It's happened to me. Dp has a 19 and 23 year old. Their mum left and moved abroad so they've come to live with us.

@starbrightstarlight8888 I can understand the 19 year old moving in if they’re still in full time education... but why on earth did the 23 year old move in? That’s a fully fledged adult! No way would I let another 23 year adult move into my home (including my own kids) unless there were some serious extenuating circumstances.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@starbrightstarlight8888 I can understand the 19 year old moving in if they’re still in full time education... but why on earth did the 23 year old move in? That’s a fully fledged adult! No way would I let another 23 year adult move into my home (including my own kids) unless there were some serious extenuating circumstances.[/quote]
He couldn't afford to live on his own apparently. He's saving for a house deposit so has to live with us in the meantime. The 19 yo is in full time employment now.

My step child does.
Admittedly it wasn't always that way. Before they moved in we seemed to always have step child (60/70% of the time). Which quite frankly wound me up as I felt I couldn't do anything with just my children, I would have to be more aware that I couldn't just nip out as and when I wanted to. My plans were always been messed up at last minute so it felt like our life's were being controlled by the other parent.

Now they live with us I wouldn't change it for world. Life feels much more relaxed and easy as we know what's happening and no spanner's are thrown in to the works. I feel much more able to do things without worrying about upsetting step child (step child is a teen, where our youngest is only a baby, with 2 infant school age children in between) as quite frankly step child doesn't want to attend activities aimed at the younger ones.

For everyone saying you'd leave, how do you cope with having your marriage on a knife-edge like this? Knowing that your marriage survival relies on another person (the ex) ?

You just get on with life @NeuroSpicyCat what's the point in worrying about it? At the end of the day anyone's marriage could be turned upside down by numerous things.

This in spades. I love my step children and there have been times we’ve had them for more than 50:50 (when their mom went into hospital for instance). The hardest part would actually be their emotions as something tragic must have happened for this to occur and they would really struggle emotionally with losing their mom.

I would find it far easier than the current (50:50) set up. We are a very different household in terms of rules, boundaries and behavioural expectations to their mother (she doesn’t have any), it creates challenges.

id 100% leave if I’m being honest. Not necessarily break up but definitely live in separate houses. He knows this, I’ve always been very upfront. Eldest has a lot of behavioural issues that I couldn’t cope with full time neither would I want my own dc around it full time.

How often do you currently have them, if you don’t mind me asking?

what did you husband say?

I’ve had my 2 x sds living at ours full time since 2023. Their mother has the choice of seeing them once a fortnight for 1 night but it rarely happens. It has been a struggle, mainly because of the emotional impact on them (they want to see their mum but she doesn’t seem to care). I have my own 2 dc who are here most of the time (spend eow with their dad). My dp and I do not have any children together.
there are times where I regret agreeing to taking them on full time, but for purely selfish reasons. My children love the girls and they have a wonderful relationship with each other but I do sometimes wish it was just me and my two though. I feel I would be a better parent focusing on 2 children instead of splitting myself between 4!!! i have a much shorter fuse and get stressed out so much more than a few years ago!

So… his youngest out of the two (son) comes 4/5 times a week, his eldest comes twice a week if she wants too and then they both come e/o weekend.
He understands where I am coming from as she has lots of issues with behaviour, always having to be collected from school as been suspended, trouble with police etc etc her mum gets carers so doesn’t have to work so is readily available for these things. He works from 6am to 4pm then I go to work at 4pm so therefore I would be the one at home during the day dealing with all the shit as 110% her mum would say she lives with us so is it’s our problem and she doesn’t drive but we both do etc… He fully accepts the if it ever came to it we’d have to live separately. Shes 14 now so it wouldn’t be forever.

Myself and DP have a 6 year old and he has a nearly 18 year old from a previous relationship. He comes to stay on Fridays sometimes but lately his Mum has been asking him to have him for longer periods and the house just feels chaotic. His Mum and my DP don’t drive so alot of the picking up SS falls on me (like it does tonight. SS has gone back home but I’m still collecting him tonight from being out with friends to drop him home. I’ve been in work today, work tomorrow and also sorting out our own child. Also when SS is here my DP cooks him tea every night (he’s nearly 18) and my DP is up at 5am for work and works long hours and also when he isn’t here we still have cans in the fridge that don’t disappear lol 🤣 Buy a multi pack of 24 on the Sunday and gone by the Wednesday. I can deal with Friday overnights and lately it’s been a week at a time as his Mum says she needs a break but I couldn’t do full time. He isn’t working or anything either. Feel bad saying all that but it’s the truth!

@Iris2024 he's 18 though - an adult. Why does his dad need to 'have' him. He doesn't need babysitting. At this stage it's about his dad having an adult to adult relationship with him. And you certainly shouldn't be doing the taxiing around just because no one else can drive. Fuck that. You're not uber.

Exactly! Spot on! We’ve told him when he wants to come and stay overnight he’s always welcome and he knows that (his mum has people over for drinks and keeps him awake all night) but for his mum to constantly ask for breaks and him come and stay with us for longer periods doesn’t make sense. He’s 18 and a good lad why do you need a break? Yeah and I’m not an uber your right but don’t have the heart to say no.

I honestly think this would be the end of our relationship if his two children had to live with us full time. They decide everything, down to what we eat! They aren’t nice to their younger half siblings (our joint children) and take over the house. I absolutely dread them coming as they make my partners life hell when they are here. He’s pulled and stretched and just keep awake until they are tired. If they lived with us, things would have to change and they would be miserable.

The relationship would definitely end and SC isnt even that bad but I do cherish our time without her when its just us and our little ones so i would really struggle