Being honest, how would you cope if your step children suddenly lived with you full-time?

[DrFoo]

I was thinking about this today after a pretty chaotic and noisy weekend and I realised I would actually really struggle with this and I feel it would likely change my relationship completely with my husband.

It was a pretty hard thing to admit to myself actually as I really do like my DSC, we get on really well but I also look forward to and cherish the break too and I think I'd really struggle without it (DSC here 50:50).

How would you cope? (Would you even?!)

In our situation I actually think it’d be easier as most of our stresses are due to the ex rather than DSD so if we were the ones making arrangements etc then it’d be far simpler.

ExDHs DP and I had a random discussion about this a while ago when the pandemic started, which came about when I asked if it would be possible for him to have them for 2 weeks (with me having them at weekends) as I had exams to study for and wanted to keep my current GPA but also didn’t want to fuck her up WFH (he was furloughed so it was her I discussed it with first), she said

“A few years ago I’d have said only if he buggers off to his Mums during my working hours, but not now. When they’re here I don’t even know they’re here, and unless they specifically ask me, I don’t do much for them anyway.”

She wasn’t wrong, they’re both quiet now but just a few years ago they were in that 7 and 5 year old Constant Noise stage.

The joys of headphones and being old enough for a device

I don’t know how she would manage them living there, he is very hands on and I know his Mum would have them a lot but I’d like to think she would be okay and my kids wouldn’t give her too much shit.

And I know they prefer the way she makes certain meals so they do ask on occasion for her to make it which makes me piss as ExDH thinks he’s the best cook ever.

I’ve tried it and couldn’t do it because dh was so terrified of them he wouldn’t back me and they got away with murder (or almost.. shot our cat with a BB gun). Thank goodness they’re adults now but if I had to live with them again I would rather be divorced. It’s a miracle I’m still married.

Dh however is a brilliant step dad to my now adult kids who live with us and he has basically brought them up. I have always let him discipline and parent them; their dad is useless.

It’s unfair on dh that his kids living with us didn’t work out but I think he understands that without him willing to show them unity with me, it was never going to work.

I would hate it (really).

@bogoffmda

For those of you without kids of your own - I get the ztruggle but isn't this a double standard.

For those of you with DCS you expect your DP to accept your DCS often 24/7 isn't there a bit of a double standard here.

Not really, for several reasons.

The only FT resident child in the house is our baby. So he can't complain about living with his own child.

My DS is here more often than the DSC, but he knew what the contact arrangement was long before deciding to move in with me. I do all the parenting and household labour related to DS so he doesn't have to do anything. In fact my husband (spitefully) refuses to look after the baby if it's to enable me to take DS to his sport training (I have to take the baby along with me - and my H will not accept that asking him to look after his own child is not asking him to do anything for my DS).

The DSC being here means the red carpet treatment and I have to be super careful not to step on any eggshells/end up scapegoated about anything that goes slightly wrong. My H is hugely resentful that I've drawn boundaries and told him that he has to do all the work related to his children (washing, cooking, cleaning, entertaining them, school runs, looking after them, etc). That is the double standard in this house. My H wouldn't do anything even tangentially related to helping me with my son (to the point of some truly awful behaviour when the baby was a newborn) but he's very angry at me because I've insisted he does all the work if he wants his children here.

It would be a nightmare if they were here FT because of his attitude and behaviour.

@FishyFriday honestly can you just stop doing anything for your DSC? Your husband sounds like a twat. I'd refuse to help him with anything tbh, and that includes his kids.

Well actually more ideally than that, could you leave him?

Fishy that's a shocking way to live ... why are you even staying with this man?

@DrFoo I am working on that.

I have refused to do anything for his children. He's incredibly resentful and keeps whinging that I make him feel like a single father. That actually means he is bored when he takes them out without adult company and he hates having to do everything/not being able to leave them with me and go to the gym etc. And he complains that I exclude his children from things.

But actually I've excluded myself (and my DS chooses to not hang out and play with the younger DSC) from anything involving the DSC. They get loads of time with their father. He takes them on loads of trips out/treats. They use the house as they see fit (loads of tv watching then) and I stay out the way. They are served meals (with no veg) prepared by their father (I cook for everyone else later - they won't eat my food, or behave at the table anyway). And so on.

But, you know, wife = domestic slave, doesn't it. So how dare I not do all the work so he can get annoyed with me about the fact the DSC didn't like the fact their were tomatoes in the dinner I made.

Fushy was he the same before you had a child with him? It sounds like he was trying to 'trap' you into a position where you would have to stay with him. . He doesn't seem to even like his new baby ....

@Ragwort

Fishy that's a shocking way to live ... why are you even staying with this man?

Two reasons: one is logistical. The bigger one is the baby.

I know what kind of NR father he is. And I know how poor the SC's behaviour is. So I'd be condemning the baby to that.

It's a problem.

I would really really struggle. I don't understand why people don't consider this possibility before shacking up with partners who already have children. I would never inflict that dynamic on my own kids.

I have never heard of a "blended family" situation that has worked out well. Far better to live separately.

@Ragwort

Fushy was he the same before you had a child with him? It sounds like he was trying to 'trap' you into a position where you would have to stay with him. . He doesn't seem to even like his new baby ....

No. It was not like this before I was pregnant. I'd never have even considered pregnancy if it were.

Several things happened during the pregnancy (including his ex being a dick) and everything shifted. He was awful at the end of the pregnancy, even during labour, and the newborn period. As the baby has grown, various issues about the DSC's behaviour (and its effect on the baby) have come up. For his own reasons and because of interference from his ex (and manipulation by the children) my husband refuses to do anything about them. And prefers to blame me for saying I won't have the baby subjected to his DS making himself vomit at the dinner table because he doesn't like his dinner (it's a tantrum basically).

It happened to me.
Their mother became unable to care for them when my baby was a few weeks old they moved in I was 27 with three kids.
It was hard I ended up splitting with their dad a year later (nothing to do with kids) and they went to live with their maternal grandparents as he was an alcoholic.
All of us ended up having no contact with the dad but they are still massive part of mine and my new Dhs life. They are grown up now but call my children I've had with my dh their special sisters and brothers. They come round a lot xx

God sorry about the kisses

@Nonmaquillee

I would really really struggle. I don't understand why people don't consider this possibility before shacking up with partners who already have children. I would never inflict that dynamic on my own kids.

I have never heard of a "blended family" situation that has worked out well. Far better to live separately.

This question seems to come up a lot so I thought I'd answer it - we did consider it, it's just so unlikely to happen for a variety of reasons that we didn't end up basing our life around the possibility.

I think I would probably say the same as you about it being better to just live separately if I were a separated RP, but my partner is a NRP which I do in all honesty think is a pretty different situation. If he chose not to cohabit with his life partner (me) he'd be basically doing it so he can be alone 80% of his time, which is not the life he wants. He'd never have any more kids either, which he wanted.

That's not to say I think it's fine for a NRP and not a RP, but I do think it's quite understandable that a NRP would be more likely to make this decision.

I'd take my DSD in a heartbeat but not DSS as he's truly vile. It's upsetting what a horrid human being he's turned out to be.

aSofa but I would have assumed it's a very real possibility that step children could end up living with the NRP, not an 'unlikely' scenario.. if the RP dies or becomes seriously ill then I assume the DC would have to live with the other parent . ... statistically that might be rare but if one partner already has DC, I would think you really, really need to consider that they would need to become part of your life and if that thought is unbearable then don't get together with someone with DC.

And I don't believe that line 'you can't help who you fall in love with' . ... you might 'fall in love with someone' but you can make a rational decision about whether to live together or not.

To flip the question, imagine just having a step parent move in and be expected to adjust !

@Ragwort

aSofa but I would have assumed it's a very real possibility that step children could end up living with the NRP, not an 'unlikely' scenario.. if the RP dies or becomes seriously ill then I assume the DC would have to live with the other parent . ... statistically that might be rare but if one partner already has DC, I would think you really, really need to consider that they would need to become part of your life and if that thought is unbearable then don't get together with someone with DC.

And I don't believe that line 'you can't help who you fall in love with' . ... you might 'fall in love with someone' but you can make a rational decision about whether to live together or not.

Yes I understand that, but again, that falls under the category of "unlikely", even if it is possible. As I said, we made the measured to decision to continue with our relationship knowing there was a pretty distant possibility that this might happen and it could cause an issue, but in all likelihood it wouldn't happen. I imagine lots of people make the same judgment call.

Like PPs it's definitely something I would try to make work, I would give it my best effort as I do with everything to do with DSC and I would never be anything other than welcoming if it were to happen.... Its just that I really hope it doesn't happen as I imagine it would be very difficult.

I also think a lot of the times the problem, with step mother's in the main, is how much they are expected to do. I can picture a lot of the times this happens, that the step mother is just supposed to slot into mother mode, doing school runs, doing everything the now full time DSC need and Dad just carries on as he was before thinking how wonderful it is that his kids are now with "him" all the time. That's what I'd be worried about anyway, that it would be essentially me who gained full responsibility for two more children and DH would carry on like nothing had changed.

@DrFoo

Like PPs it's definitely something I would try to make work, I would give it my best effort as I do with everything to do with DSC and I would never be anything other than welcoming if it were to happen.... Its just that I really hope it doesn't happen as I imagine it would be very difficult.

I also think a lot of the times the problem, with step mother's in the main, is how much they are expected to do. I can picture a lot of the times this happens, that the step mother is just supposed to slot into mother mode, doing school runs, doing everything the now full time DSC need and Dad just carries on as he was before thinking how wonderful it is that his kids are now with "him" all the time. That's what I'd be worried about anyway, that it would be essentially me who gained full responsibility for two more children and DH would carry on like nothing had changed.

That's what would happen here.

With the added step parenting eggshells (extra sharp because of the new motherless situation) that mean you aren't allowed a say. All the responsibility no control over anything, even if it directly affects you and you are expected to do it. And always in the wrong, especially if I thought I should be able to decide anything.

As @FishyFriday says Always in the wrong. This a million times over.

I can honestly say that I did my utmost for my DSS which is more than can be said for either of his birth parents. I had to fight to get him educational opportunities and life skills that have led to him being employable and a better father. Consequently he is a far more rounded individual than he might have been- think drugs/gangs etc.

I can also say that my own DCs didn’t have as much of me as they deserved, something I can’t change but will always regret.
Luckily for me they are amazing individuals who seem to forgive me for the impossible decisions I made and who are magnanimous enough to wish DSS well.

I think it would definitely change things. I'd give it a go but ultimately who knows how I'd cope.

To flip the question, imagine just having a step parent move in and be expected to adjust !
@catlovingdoctor I think this is a false equivalency.

If DPs children were to be here full time it would be because of some tragedy that meant their mother couldn't look after them whereas DP and I were together for 5 year before moving in together and built things up gradually. The girls had time to adjust and were really happy when we moved in together whereas obviously they would not be happy of something happened to their mum. Another obvious difference is that step children are children and therefore are not independent. They need to be cooked for, cleaned up after, taken to places and the list goes on. It's not the same thing.

I am not saying it isn't tough for children to live with step parents but I think the issues are totally different and you can't meaningfully compare the two circumstances.

To be honest I think my marriage would only survive if I had another house and lived there with my babys DDs. Whether my husband would want to continue our marriage like that I do not know but I would not be able to cope with 2 young babies and 2 SDs (one of which jas very challenging behaviour) in one house 24/7. They are here most weekends and I'm torally frazzled by Monday morning, I desperately need the break (although having 2 under 2 is hardly a break) but I know I couldn't cope. Even though I could see some benefits with not having two households with different rules and toxic ex's etc, I'd still take that over full time!