Being honest, how would you cope if your step children suddenly lived with you full-time?

[DrFoo]

I was thinking about this today after a pretty chaotic and noisy weekend and I realised I would actually really struggle with this and I feel it would likely change my relationship completely with my husband.

It was a pretty hard thing to admit to myself actually as I really do like my DSC, we get on really well but I also look forward to and cherish the break too and I think I'd really struggle without it (DSC here 50:50).

How would you cope? (Would you even?!)

Happened to me. SS moved in in year 11 as he’d had yet another fight with his mum. I didn’t get asked or consulted. He was just there 24/7. I had already started Nacho parenting on account of DP and his Disney Dad style of parenting. SS is now in college and frankly his attitude stinks. Been with DP 13 years. I have. DS who is away at Uni. I’ve started staying in the office late cos frankly I can’t be bothered with the drama. Love the weekends as DP and I go out both days and spend time to ourselves. Luckily when SS used to stay over at mine many moons ago, I told DP I would not be doing any of his or DP washing or tidying of bedrooms. And I’ve stuck to that. We do not have joint finances and I pay for me and DS. DP pays for SS stuff and his constant can I have is taking a toll on DP. I think SS will never leave my home.

I think I will actually hate it. I feel like an outsider in this home. Also, I just feel annoyed. I don't care for the kid. It wasn't always like this, but recently this is how I feel and I can't pretend or change it. The mother has no respect and I feel like my husband does not support me enough or understand where I'm coming from so honestly, I just want to keep to myself and not want to be bothered. I remember when I was in my former home and I was not in this home and it makes me miss my former home and it makes me feel like I'd rather have that former home where I felt at peace and that ease the post of being annoyed here.

Sounds utterly shit @GetUpStandUpThrowYourHandsUp

My DSD moved in for a few weeks but then moved in with her bf in YMCA. Her brother moved in and still with us now. He moved in a couple of months before lock down. It was tough times for all.
He still thinks how hard his life would have been locked down with his mother. She was emotionally abusive, drank and high level user of cannabis.
Maybe its because I had been in his life since he was 9mnths. Maybe it was because it wasn't just a case of trying to move into an easier house or playing us off against each other. I honestly can't imagine turning him away and think I would have felt shit about myself

I posted in this thread back in 2021 to say we had discussed this and I'd be more than happy for it. My SS now lives with us full time and has done for over a year now. His younger siblings are so happy to have him here. I love having him here. He occasionally visits his mum, when we encourage him, but really things are definitely much easier during the times that they aren't talking to eachother

That's so great! Just goes to show it can work.

I never got to know if it would have worked, left ExDH in 2022. Best thing I ever did tbh.

Hmmmmm, I'm having a dilemma and I think it could be relationship changing.

Married 10 years, 2 DSD, 1 joint DD and DS.

DSD2 came to live with us FT in July 2021 at almost 17 when we had 1 DD (4). In 2022 we had DS. She remained with us until August 2024 when she moved in with her boyfriend.

This has now gone tits up and she's coming back at almost 21. She's not working.

I've had the conversation with DH that I don't think that we should be the default having her FT. Her mum has a spare room that she can use whereas she'll be putting our DD and DS into the same room for her to have her own. Staying with her mum at almost 21 should have a better dynamic than at 17?

He feels I'm being unreasonable. Thoughts?

I think that given your children are still young (4 and 3 I think) they can share for a few years. If her relationship with her mum isn’t good enough to go home to her then do not turn her away, that would be awful for her.

as a woman, especially, I would always want my daughters (step or otherwise) to know they can leave a relationship to come home. Just think about if her next relationship is abusive but she doesn’t feel welcome at her dad or mom’s house so feels she has no choice but to stay in the relationship.

however, make sure you and your DP set some ground rules for her and agree on rent etc. so she doesn’t take the mick.

It makes no sense for you to all squash into fewer rooms if her mum has a room for her. The post doesn't say that the relationship with her mum is bad.

She doesn't have a terrible relationship with her mum. An argument at 16 and she decided she was living with us. An arrangement for a couple of days space ended up a permanent one.

My kids are almost 9 and 3. I totally understand the feeling like she can't ever come home but at the time she moved in with us, we had a spare room. The plans were in motion to get the 3 year old into his own room.

I'm more aware of the different dynamic. She's an additional adult at home that isn't working and is currently claiming UC. I will have to change my routine and the kids routine to accommodate her coming back.

It feels big to me and I'm not sure why as at the time she moved in I was 100% supportive. I probably feel a bit resentful for other reasons and it's manifesting like this.

I'll sit with it and see how I feel but it's already causing friction between me and DH. He's not prepared to listen at all.

Is she aware she will probably lose her UC as it’s based on household income and there are two other adults in the home?

honestly though at 21 I wouldn’t want to turn any of my kids away from home and I think either you get a sofa bed for her or the 3 and 9 year old share for longer. The sofa bed plus losing UC might be enough to make her choose to go to her mom’s or move out.

Ten years ago I would have been quite happy and DH did try and get full custody. Their Mum (only one child) lived a really chaotic life and was (and is) quite a volatile person. It was so much easier when we had DSC for a 2-3 week period because it took them a couple of days to unwind and settle into our home. I really believed it was the best thing for DSC.

Now DSC is really difficult and has really volatile behaviour themselves, it wouldn’t be safe for my children and I’d leave. But I wouldn’t stop DH having him FT. But he knows that would mean living apart.

I have 3 children and 1 ss who has always lived 50/50. He is here full time now. He is now 18 and he does work but I’ve to get up at 5 everyday or he won’t get up. I work full time. Trouble is DH works away for a month at a time. SS has been smoking weed and I look for support from DH to tell him. Through the week is generally ok but weekends are a nitemare. He will visit his mum and not tell me when he’s coming back and just appears at 4am. My own children know this is not acceptable and it’s about compromise. I’ve reached breaking point and told my husband I’m fed up arguing about 1 person and DH never has my back. Looking to end my marriage now. Any advice?