Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Being honest, how would you cope if your step children suddenly lived with you full-time?

113 replies

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 12:57

I was thinking about this today after a pretty chaotic and noisy weekend and I realised I would actually really struggle with this and I feel it would likely change my relationship completely with my husband.

It was a pretty hard thing to admit to myself actually as I really do like my DSC, we get on really well but I also look forward to and cherish the break too and I think I'd really struggle without it (DSC here 50:50).

How would you cope? (Would you even?!)

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
funinthesun19 · 25/04/2021 13:39

I think I would have found it easier because there would be no other household and no ex influencing our lives if that makes sense.

Don’t get me wrong, the break was also welcomed when I was a stepparent.
But I think in the long run, having a stepchild living with me full time would have meant a more stable life for us all, including my own children as we would have just been one family unit and the dynamics would have been completely different.

But I also understand how you feel too.

CornishGem1975 · 25/04/2021 13:52

Totally honest - if that happened now, I think it would kill our relationship. I'd 'cope' but I wouldn't be happy and I think I would end up leaving.

marriednotdead · 25/04/2021 14:23

It happened to me, came home from work to find DSS(12) had been moved in as his mother could no longer cope with his behaviour and had told his father to take him immediately. Neither of his parents was up to the job and a huge amount of the parenting fell to me.
My own DS used to go to his dad's at weekends but I never got a break.

It was horrendously stressful and several outside agencies had to be involved, I could go on for pages. 7 years later I ended the marriage after what felt like a lifetime of living in the Jeremy Kyle show and DSS went with his father. Within 6 weeks of just the two of them without me, he'd sent him back to his mother.
I now have fibromyalgia and I'm sure the trauma of the entire period contributed to it.

Predictably enough, DSS rarely gets in touch these days but always sends me a message to wish me happy Mother's Day!

minniemomo · 25/04/2021 14:28

Well poor dp has had this happen to him, dd came for Christmas and never left (adult) I can only imagine he's a bit fed up but he says not, he's too nice to complain except when she eats all the cake I've baked!

FishyFriday · 25/04/2021 14:36

In lots of ways it might be better than the NRP contact experience we currently endure. Their behaviour might improve in several important ways because what happens at their mum's house would be less influential.

But the huge caveat there is that my H would have to change his approach to his children entirely (its Disney weekend here EOW) and would expect me to take on all the wifework I've refused to do any longer (and boy is he resentful about having to look after his children).

So the reality of the situation would probably be utterly unbearable. Even more so as the only reason it would happen would be if their mother died. Their father already treats them as poor victims of divorce who must be compensated and prioritises at all times. This would get much worse if they were motherless too.

All in all, I hope their mother lives a long and healthy life.

Varmerama · 25/04/2021 15:26

Frankly, I’d probably leave. I’m not cut out for 100% which is why I’ve chosen to remain childless.

Original poster
DrFoo · 25/04/2021 16:03

@Varmerama

Frankly, I’d probably leave. I’m not cut out for 100% which is why I’ve chosen to remain childless.
To be totally honest, I'm not even childless. I have DC with DH so we are never truly alone or completely childfree. I just don't think I could cope with being 'step mum' 100% of the time.
OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 16:09

I would leave too. If my DP suddenly had to have full custody of his kids then I would suggest we sell our home, buy 2 smaller properties and live separately until they’d left home.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2021 16:17

Before I had my DD, I would have definitely had to leave. Now it's a little more complicated, and I think I would give it a go, but I can still imagine it resulting in the same outcome over time. It would just be too much sacrifice for me.

MellowBird85 · 25/04/2021 16:22

I couldn’t cope, I’d leave with my 2 year old. It’s been EOW since forever and that’s all I can cope with as there are three of them and frankly, I don’t want to live with an extra three people, regardless of who they are!

Dontknownow86 · 25/04/2021 16:23

I would leave I think. The kids have been screeching and screaming all day today and the only thing keeping me going at the moment is knowing their going home tomorrow. I can't cope with the noise.

Lovemusic33 · 25/04/2021 16:25

I think it’s something you should have considered before marrying a man with children and when you decided to have more children together.

I married someone with 3 children and it was always a possibility it would happen so something we had to consider, I’m not sure how we would have coped but we would have and I would have been willing to have them live with us. Luckily it never happened, one of them wanted to live with us, we let him on a trial bases and he lasted a few days before wanting to go back to his mum, he’s now 26 and still living with his mum. I am no longer with dh (divorced) so am no single with 2 teenagers. I would never get into a relationship again with someone with young children because there’s no way I could cope with their children potentially having to live with us, I couldn’t put my own dc through it and wouldn’t want to put myself through it so I will probably stay single 🤣.

Amelia666 · 25/04/2021 16:26

This also happened to me - very similar to @marriednotdead it was incredibly difficult and I only lasted a couple of years (felt like a billion lifetimes through the circles of hell). It was totally unexpected and out of the blue, totally flipping our lives around as I had no dc and my ex had been refused access for a couple of years up to that point. I couldn’t cope... it was truly awful.

About a week after we split up for good, dss dm decided could magically look after him again (she’d only sent one to live with us and still had dsd living at home).

marriednotdead · 25/04/2021 16:50

@Amelia666 It takes a special person to do that without having your own DCs, I take my hat off to you!
Sounds as if you too have had to pick up the slack from a less than effective set of parents.

KizzyMoo · 25/04/2021 16:51

This happened to my friend while she was heavily pregnant with twins with 2 kids already. Her 2 primary aged stepkids had to move in as their mum couldn't cope. She had to quit her job in the end while her husband worked. Her 2 kids went to a local primary and nursery and the other 2 went to a school an hour away so she had to keep them at home for months until they got local school places while she had 2 newborns. She openly said she hated her life. But she did it. I wouldn't and couldn't have done it. It did show how shit her husband is to be honest as he carried on as normal going to work everyday while she had 6 kids.

LatentPhase · 25/04/2021 17:25

I wouldn’t last a week. Potentially not even 24hrs. That’s why I will continue to live separately from DP.

It’s the only way to retain a semblance of sanity.

MajorNeville · 25/04/2021 17:40

I did. Stepdd turned up for the weekend and her mother refused to take her back. She was at school in another town with 2 years to go, so dh spent a year getting up at 6am to take her to school and another year to take her to the train station for 7am. We coped and we loved having her with us but it totally destroyed her relationship with her mother, her mother has apologised to her and she has accepted it but they still have a problematic relationship 6 years later.

COS2102 · 25/04/2021 18:16

We discuss the real potential of this happening often. It was something I prepared myself for when I got into the relationship and something I'd be more than happy to have happen 😊

bogoffmda · 25/04/2021 19:08

For those of you without kids of your own - I get the ztruggle but isn't this a double standard.

For those of you with DCS you expect your DP to accept your DCS often 24/7 isn't there a bit of a double standard here.

Original poster
DrFoo · 25/04/2021 19:16

@bogoffmda

For those of you without kids of your own - I get the ztruggle but isn't this a double standard.

For those of you with DCS you expect your DP to accept your DCS often 24/7 isn't there a bit of a double standard here.

I wouldn't call it a double standard in my situation, my DC are my husband's DC not his SC.

I do find DSC more challenging than my own DC precisely because they aren't my DC and everything that comes with.

OP posts:
LadyCluck · 25/04/2021 19:16

I would really struggle and not sure how long I’d last.

We currently have them EOW and the same night each week.

You know when they’re coming to stay as DH implements “Operation Red Carpet” and I’m not sure I could cope with his full time Disney parenting.

FindingMeno · 25/04/2021 19:18

I did. It was fine. Really good.

SpongebobNoPants · 25/04/2021 19:19

@bogoffmda no not really. I do everything for my kids and don’t expect DP to parent them whatsoever. They coexist in a happy friendship, not parent / child relationship. I do not ask my DP for childcare or expect him to pick up extra chores directly related to my kids and they are not highly demanding of either our time or finances.
My DP’s kids are a different kettle of fish personality wise, them living here full time would compromise my own DC’s happiness and for me they come first.

Also, having my SCs here full time would require a huge amount of input and extra responsibility for me due to the nature of DP’s job. For them to live here full time it would require either DP taking a huge cut in the hours he works which means I would have to pick up the financial slack to support them or the extra day to day care would fall to me. I am not willing to do either of those things because firstly it would disadvantage my own children and secondly I don’t want to.

So it’s not as simple as saying “he lives with your kids you should be willing to live with his”. Yes he lives with mine, in the house I bought, and my children are solely financed and cared for by me.

Fairystory · 25/04/2021 19:35

My DSD refused to go home after a day visit and stayed for three years. I had only met her a handful of times before and she did not even have a change of clothes so it was challenging. We had to move house to gain another bedroom as well. She didn't speak to her mother for most of this time and then stopped speaking to us after a year or so back with her mother. She was a nice child but it was a big upheaval.

user648482729 · 25/04/2021 20:02

I think it’d be a shock to the system; we have young DC together but have time together in the evenings so that’d be gone as shes a teen so up late and that would be hard. I imagine my relationship with DSD would change as I’d have to parent her far more. I can imagine far more issues and irritations but overall I think it’d be positive and there would be a lot of positives for DSD.