Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

[quote Mumbo1234]@Tippexy
Her odd behaviour didn’t start until after they split up...she has been violent and abusive[/quote]
She was pregnant when her relationship with the father of the child broke down, and within a very short space of time, whilst she was still pregnant, he started a new relationship.
That just have been difficult for her

I don't think you can generalise so far as to say you shouldn't even consider half the population because they have kids. I was young and naive when I met DH. His ex largely stays out of our lives and doesn't want to co-parent to any meaningful extent so in some ways it's been simpler. We've worked hard to make the younger two and the older two feel like a sibling set. The older two have always had their own rooms in our house. A lot of it comes down to how resource constrained you are. Where I've seen it go horribly wrong is where realistically the father doesn't have enough money to have another family but goes ahead anyway. And that means taking from his older kids. The birth of our two didn't affect his ex or the older two in an monetary way. No one was asked to share a room etc. I don't think I've ever seen it go well when a couple tries to blend completely unrelated children together. That seems to be the nightmare situation.

How come deleted last message @Mumbo1234?! I read it. Was it controversial?

There is a fundamental difference between the stepmum feeling unhappy about the first children and the ex feeling unhappy about the second children.

With the stepmum, there is quite often a resentment stemming from expectations placed on to her by her partner and the ex eg holiday childcare, being begrudged time with her own children, being expected to contribute financially, wing told her parents should provide exactly the same, etc...
With the ex, she just resents the dad’s new child’s existence full stop, with no real reason other than her child’s life will be different to what she wanted it to be. But yet it’s totally fine for HER to have another baby and change her child’s life.

And again!

Why all the withdrawn messages? Did the poster inadvertently reveal she is an OW and her man's wife was pregnant at the time? Anyhow that 'you can't help who you fall for' is bollocks.

I wouldn’t have additional children with another man, I don’t want to do that to my DC.

If my(ex)DH dumped the financial, care, housework onto his new partner and excluded his child from family holidays (not hols that he wasn’t going on), I’d resent him having more children when he cannot even care for the ones he has.

The SM would be irrelevant to me as while she’s chosen to be with my shit ex, she doesn’t owe my child anything. If she treats my child kindly then yes I would have appreciation.

I wouldn’t resent the new children. If anything I’d pity them for having a shit dad too as it would have been evident in his ‘care’ of the first children.

Overall, it’s unreasonable to blame new children or existing for adult choices, however I have friends how have seriously questioned their shit ex’s having new children and the impact on their kids and I agree with them.

@EnoughnowIthink there are elements of lack of choice for all parties. Yes, the ex didn't get to choose whether her ex went on to have more kids, but step parents don't get to choose how the children are raised which can cause no end of issues and frustration.

The bottom line is, is whether or not you had choice in the matter the driving factor in whether you should be allowed to harbour private, negative feelings involving kids, or is it the imperative need to rise above and protect them from that, which is so often applied to step parents?

People feel how they feel. So it's every adults responsibility to not marry someone with kids if they know in advance that they will resent the restrictions that having step children brings or if they know that they just don't have the capacity to bond. And if you discover this too late, then the adults have to prioritize doing right by the kids and not showing negative feelings. Much of this hinges though on the actual parent not taking the piss and offloading too much work onto the step parent and on not screwing over the ex wrt child support. It's for the parent to make sure that things are fair.

step parents don't get to choose how the children are raised which can cause no end of issues and frustration

You think a step parent should have a say in how someone else's children are raised? (And I speak there where both parents are alive and involved, not where there has been a death or some kind of court action that has effectively removed one parent).

is whether or not you had choice in the matter the driving factor in whether you should be allowed to harbour private, negative feelings involving kids, or is it the imperative need to rise above and protect them from that, which is so often applied to step parents?

Your expectation seems to be that not only you get a say in how some else's children are raised but that also the other parent (who has no choice or say in who is in their children's lives) should just shut up and put up? I mean, I do broadly agree that rising above negativity is an important factor in all dealings post separation and divorce but again, you are suggesting that an ex partner should somehow be responsible for caring for people and children that in very real terms are nothing to do with them. I wouldn't, in very general terms, go out of my way to cause upset to my ex's partner and her children, but I would do whatever I considered necessary to secure the health and well-being of my children which may, or may not, impact the new partner and children.

You are ignoring the very important bottom line which is as a step parent, you are making a choice to be in a child's life and an ex partner has no say in that. It is not the same situation to be an ex partner and to want what is best for your children and to want to fight for that (although in my experience, the path of least resistance and not fighting for something you have no real control over is pretty much the easiest way to do these things, I don't blame some people, in some situations, for pushing for what they consider to be fair and just. For example, I will continue to push for child maintenance even though the ex hasn't paid in 14 years because that is what is right for my children.
I don't really care that my doing that makes the new partner uncomfortable or that if he were to pay, it may impact her and her children's life with my ex).

You seem to be suggesting that I should really have learnt my lesson after 14 years and stop fighting for child maintenance and allow my ex to live his life as he sees fit because my keeping on about it is upsetting to his ex partner and her child. You are asking me to forgo my peace of mind and my children's financial security so that the ex and his new partner don't have to keep on worrying about that bigger picture because the hassle and upset it causes is too much for them.

You think a step parent should have a say in how someone else's children are raised? (And I speak there where both parents are alive and involved, not where there has been a death or some kind of court action that has effectively removed one parent).

Well they should have a voice, yes. It’s silly to say they will never have a say in anything.
My ex’s ex wife wanted me to do childcare for her because she wanted to change her hours at work. Of course I had a say in that part in how dsc would be raised because I had a choice of either saying yes or no to that commitment. Turns out I said no, putting the ball back in to the ex’s court about how she would manage her childcare and how the child would be raised while she was at work. So yes, stepparents do have a say or else some would be bloody doormats for a start.

@EnoughnowIthink I'm actually not saying any of the things you're saying I'm saying there. My comment was to a different poster and was specifically questioning the ascertation that it's understandable and therefore fine to view your exes subsequent children as a threat. Nothing else.

Understanding why a person feels a certain way, isn't the same as saying it's fine

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Understanding why a person feels a certain way, isn't the same as saying it's fine

I agree!

I wouldn't, in very general terms, go out of my way to cause upset to my ex's partner and her children, but I would do whatever I considered necessary to secure the health and well-being of my children which may, or may not, impact the new partner and children
Interesting you should say that, it’s got me thinking. I can think of many threads where a SM wanting to do right by her own children gets torn to shreds and told she’s selfish/resentful/awful/should leave her husband etc

• wanting to send her son to private school but not being able to afford to pay for her step child and step child’s maternal half siblings to go too
• wanting to take her daughter on a girlie shopping trip when her step sons are with their mother
• looking to protect her children’s inheritance from her parents
• taking children to the beach on a sunny day when the step kids are with their mother
• wanting to take a spontaneous boat ride on a walk out - walk out is ok but boat ride is fun on a level that’s not allowed when steps are not present
• buying her unborn baby vests but not buying new clothes for step child too
• wanting her EOW DSC to share a room so that her child can have a bedroom in the house she’s paying the mortgage for instead of sharing with their parents until the step children go to university in 10 years time

To summarise, in none of these examples was the SM plotting to cause any upset or “exclude” anyone. They just wanted to provide for their children and make sure their lives didn’t stop when their older half siblings weren’t around. I remember very vividly being told that as a mother of a “second” (class) child, I had no right to provide more for my child than my step child’s mother was willing or able to provide for her. Never mind that DHs ex and I are very different people with very different backgrounds and priorities. I was a second class mother, not allowed to parent her child as she saw fit in case it advantaged him in some way over his sister. Any advantages DSDs mother was able to give her were of no relevance and none of my or my sons business (this part I actually agreed with, although I’ll never understand why it apparently didn’t cut both ways). Anyway, slight tangent, but these are the kind of attitudes that inevitably would cause a SM to think “my life would be easier without this shit”.

Youseethethingis excellent post. All of those things you mentioned, are just normal things you do for your children as a parent but as a stepmum you’re not allowed unless you always have the stepchildren at the forefront of your mind too.

So I think many many stepmums are just trying to do what any other mum wants to do for their children. Trying to secure their health and well-being without actually trying to hurt anyone else and just wanting to go about their business. All of those are examples of that.

“my life would be easier without this shit”.
And it’s so true! It’s nice just being able to do normal things for my children without having to answer to anyone.

Hope you recognised your beach story in the list @funinthesun19!
I’m lucky I’ve never had a whiff of that sort of BS from DH, his ex or DSD. It blows my mind that there are people out there who genuinely think this way. It must be so bloody exhausting.

One of the reasons i disliked being married to my first husband was that he had a child.She was 7 when we met and I was 23.The marriage ended when she was 16.I was far too young and selfish to be a step mother and I'm grateful that when I met my now dh that neither of us had kids to anyone else.

I did! And what a wonderful day it was. A nice little bit of respite for me and my children for the day. How utterly dreadful of me.

And I’m so glad you’ve not had to deal with any of that nonsense. Exhausting is spot on!

@Youseethethingis

I wouldn't, in very general terms, go out of my way to cause upset to my ex's partner and her children, but I would do whatever I considered necessary to secure the health and well-being of my children which may, or may not, impact the new partner and children Interesting you should say that, it’s got me thinking. I can think of many threads where a SM wanting to do right by her own children gets torn to shreds and told she’s selfish/resentful/awful/should leave her husband etc

• wanting to send her son to private school but not being able to afford to pay for her step child and step child’s maternal half siblings to go too
• wanting to take her daughter on a girlie shopping trip when her step sons are with their mother
• looking to protect her children’s inheritance from her parents
• taking children to the beach on a sunny day when the step kids are with their mother
• wanting to take a spontaneous boat ride on a walk out - walk out is ok but boat ride is fun on a level that’s not allowed when steps are not present
• buying her unborn baby vests but not buying new clothes for step child too
• wanting her EOW DSC to share a room so that her child can have a bedroom in the house she’s paying the mortgage for instead of sharing with their parents until the step children go to university in 10 years time

To summarise, in none of these examples was the SM plotting to cause any upset or “exclude” anyone. They just wanted to provide for their children and make sure their lives didn’t stop when their older half siblings weren’t around. I remember very vividly being told that as a mother of a “second” (class) child, I had no right to provide more for my child than my step child’s mother was willing or able to provide for her. Never mind that DHs ex and I are very different people with very different backgrounds and priorities. I was a second class mother, not allowed to parent her child as she saw fit in case it advantaged him in some way over his sister. Any advantages DSDs mother was able to give her were of no relevance and none of my or my sons business (this part I actually agreed with, although I’ll never understand why it apparently didn’t cut both ways). Anyway, slight tangent, but these are the kind of attitudes that inevitably would cause a SM to think “my life would be easier without this shit”.

SPOT ON !!!!! And I now refuse to pander to this ridiculousness. Or even entertain it. I genuinely think some people ( ex's ) just traffic in drama and conflict and get a kick out of it. Regardless of how silly and nonsensical their point is.

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

Lassy people’s experiences are a mixture of those you’ve listed. So no it’s not black and white is it? I don’t know what makes people’s experiences so unbelievable to you.
My former dsc certainly wasn’t spoilt rude or selfish and is a good kid and my ex wasn’t a benevolent figure. The ex wasn’t unhinged. But she was very demanding and said some awful things. I can confidently say that I did a lot and tried my best.