Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

[quote Mumbo1234]@aSofaNearYou
Just a comment on the baby thing...DH and I were together before DSD was born so I’ve known her all her life.

I still love her to pieces but our relationship has changed. It’s easy to play “happy families” when they’re babies...no mention of mum, happily go from one to the other, etc.

DSD is older now and extremely close to her mum (mum treats hers like a friend) and I can tell she doesn’t see me like she used to ie a second mum and she compares us a lot. It’s hard not to feel a bit resentful at times when I’m not sure how I fit sometimes to the point I feel a bit like an nanny/glorified baby sitter even though it’s me that makes sure she has a nice room, clothes, etc. Those things aren’t appreciated by a child[/quote]
How old is she?

Thank you to those expressing similar thoughts and feelings. And yes I choose this, I just think it's altogether more healthy to just be honest about what it's actually like ( at times). The holiday scenario was just like WOW! And instead of us being able handle this in house it is a whole situation with the ex getting involved asking all sort of questions as to our family arrangements ,our days out and I can see DSD now feeling left out because she's clearly listened to the phone arguments and had her mums reaction indicating she's really hard done by. DSD is even ignoring DS now who has not a scooby about all this. Its just sad and a situation that could so easily be avoided !!! But blended families do what blenders do and just cause a massive mess at times!!!.

My advice to any man that may be interested in me in the future is “Do No Do it!!!”

Why? Because I will always put my children first. Way way above any children he may have. And I won’t conceal that fact.

He will not be able to move in until my youngest has moved out.

@Kindasup1

Thank you to those expressing similar thoughts and feelings. And yes I choose this, I just think it's altogether more healthy to just be honest about what it's actually like ( at times). The holiday scenario was just like WOW! And instead of us being able handle this in house it is a whole situation with the ex getting involved asking all sort of questions as to our family arrangements ,our days out and I can see DSD now feeling left out because she's clearly listened to the phone arguments and had her mums reaction indicating she's really hard done by. DSD is even ignoring DS now who has not a scooby about all this. Its just sad and a situation that could so easily be avoided !!! But blended families do what blenders do and just cause a massive mess at times!!!.

But if you DH was including his daughter on family days out there would nothing to be feeling left out of.

Things you and your DS do with your paternal family alone are nothing to do with his ex. Things you DH is included in and not his DD then who can blame an ex for wanting both children to have the same treatment by their other parent.

@Mumbo1234
Still so young. She will appreciate with age. How often is she with you?

Nothing wrong with reflecting on this or feeling this way.
Our lives would be so much easier and happier but it is what it is.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I’d never get involved with a man with kids again. I was young, naive and optimistic.

It's terribly sad to see so many people reflecting on this thread, and recognising the difficulties, hardships and complicated emotions involved from all angles.
Whilst everyone wants to be happy and find a life partner to make themselves complete, it seems like the fall out can be immense.

At the start of a relationship, before feelings get too intense, there always is an element of choice.

Honestly, if I found myself in that position, I would not have pursued the relationship further, before I got in too deep

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Mumbo1234
You maybe cannot help with whom you " fall for", but you can absolutely control with whom you reproduce or marry. There are no accidental marriages and should be very few accidental pregnancies.

Life does not just happen to people. What happens to Isis based largely upon the decisions that we make.[/quote]
This!

But if you DH was including his daughter on family days out there would nothing to be feeling left out of.

Things you and your DS do with your paternal family alone are nothing to do with his ex. Things you DH is included in and not his DD then who can blame an ex for wanting both children to have the same treatment by their other parent.

This is the weird logic that always gets trotted out in step parenting threads. A shared child should be treated like they live in a single parent family on non-contact weekends because anything else would be unfair to the DSC. It would be totally unfair if they went to the beach with both their parents.

I guess it's at least not the even weirder logic that the shared child should never do anything nice without their half sibling because that rotor be unfair. But it's still resolutely shit.

The DSC are not there. They're with their other parent. It doesn't matter what their father does in that time because it's not relevant to the DSC.

Sadly lots of NRP employ much the same logic about any subsequent children. It's like the fact that dad lives in the same house as them is supposed to be enough, even if they don't get to benefit from it because dad is too busy feeling guilty about his other children.

I wonder with blended families being commonplace people think it's no big deal.

It's a bit like dog owning, nothing inherently wrong with owning a dog but it is a commitment, it does change your lifestyle and it can take a lot of effort to make things work. Much like are loads of people with dogs that aren't cut out for dog ownership there are also loads of people with blended families who aren't cut out for them.

@SnuggyBuggy

I wonder with blended families being commonplace people think it's no big deal.

It's a bit like dog owning, nothing inherently wrong with owning a dog but it is a commitment, it does change your lifestyle and it can take a lot of effort to make things work. Much like are loads of people with dogs that aren't cut out for dog ownership there are also loads of people with blended families who aren't cut out for them.

You lost me with “it’s a bit like dog owning’

Inevitable really then that relationship changes from second mum to something less close. Every day in the lift of a 4 year old marks change and learning. So for once a fortnight visits - you’re not privy to so much of her life

Well a blended family is for life not just for Christmas

I don't think it's at all fair to say they are all dysfunctional. They can work but a lot don't.

At the start of a relationship, before feelings get too intense, there always is an element of choice.

@enjoysun I appreciate your point but quite often problems don’t surface until you’re completely invested, you’re in too deep and sometimes years down the road.
So easy to judge when you haven't been in the situation.
If these feelings had been there at the start then I certainly would have walked away without a backward glance.

Mumbo If you've been with a man since his ex was pregnant, that must be very difficult all round. It's asking a lot for his ex to be entirely happy about sharing the maternal role in these circumstances and to never let her feelings show in front of her dd. Difficult for you too.
What does your DH do to smooth all this out? To reassure his ex that you love his child but aren't trying to take her place, because that's probably what's at the heart of it. He needs to be doing something here because this is a situation he is primarily responsible for.

And yet it's totally ok for the ex to actively resent the new children, purely because she didn't have a choice in the matter? The main reasons given why it is totally unacceptable for a SP to harbour any kind of negative feelings are that they WILL be unable to hide them and the kids WILL notice. I don't think the fact that the ex didn't have as much choice as the SP excuses that, if you take it as fact

As much choice? No. No choice whatsoever.

I don’t personally have experience of ‘new’ children and as my ex pays nothing at all, their existence would have made no difference to me so perhaps I don’t see it the same. However, you are expecting someone who had no choice in new partners, step children and biological children, has minimal (if any) contact with new partners, step children and biological children, to behave in exactly the same way as someone who had a choice and for whom a blended family is a given. I accept that an ex’s resentment can impact a blended family terribly, but the situation is not the same in terms of choice. There is no obligation on an ex with no say in anything to openly embrace anyone or any situation with open arms.

I also think some step parents deserve to be viewed with cynicism: my ex has lived with 2 women who moved in with him before they had ever met my children. Both women brought their own children with them. Both women expected my ex to drop his own children in favour of his (or so it seemed). Both were happy to be with him despite knowing he paid no maintenance. One told me 4 year old that ‘I am your mummy now’. The other was so deeply resentful of my existence (and my contact with my ex is limited to maybe a couple of texts a month, at most) that even my ex had to end the relationship when she told our children to leave my ex’s home (fully paid for by him, she didn’t work and seemingly gave up a well paying job when she moved in with my ex) and ‘stay with your fucking bitch of a mother forever’.

@Mumbo1234

I think about this a lot (well aware it’s not good to do so). DSD was a baby when we got serious, it’s easy to play “happy families” and forget about the ex at that stage...a lot harder now she’s older and adores her mum.

Ex is still a psycho which doesn’t help matters.

Why did your partner have a child with someone he thought was a psycho?

I think these posters saying not to date anyone with DC,misses the point .OP is already in this position! We are a Nuclear family .Children older now though .Doesnt mean every day is all problem free! I see your point about your DM taking DS on a plane but ,this is your DM! Cant see why she is kicking off . If her family want to take DSD with them they wouldnt take your DS. In any case your DH will have to deal with it .Not your problem !

All these ex wives must actually resent their own children born in their new relationships if they’re so bothered about their older children having younger siblings on their dad’s side.

Oh wait.....