Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

ex witholding access

135 replies

triavgor · 08/04/2021 08:47

DP divorced his wife 2 years ago, they were married 15 years. They have an 11 year old son who lives with his mum. Their contact arrangements were one weekend day per week, no overnights as mum said that was too much. This stopped in the summer and mum simply says that DS doesn't want to see his dad and is old enough to make this own decisions. For context, DP pays maintenance over and above the minimum and there are no other financial issues outstanding.

DP has asked mum via email several times to meet to discuss this and to work out how to come up with a plan together to arrange for contact to start which mum has ignored. Her only comments are to reiterate that DS is his own person and she respects his decision

DP contacts DS via message / facetime most days and the messages are rarely read or replied to. DS has also stopped replying to messages from his grandparents and didn't thank them for christmas presents. DP has said to mum that even if DS isn't speaking to him to please make sure that he at least thanks grandparents for presents and returns their messages. DS was previously v close to them. Mum has ignored this.

When DP contacted school to find out why he wasn't receiving emails mum had given them an incorrect email address.

DP has has contacted a mediator to try and address this as mum is now ignoring all messages. She has refused contact with the mediator.

There are no indications whatsoever from her texts and emails that DP was in any way violent or abusive. She accuses him of nothing other than DS doesn't want to see him and she won't force him. She will not discuss why or work with DP to overcome it. From what I can gather, and I'm obviously only seeing one side, he is a good hands-on dad who loves his son.

Can anyone shed any light as to why his ex might be acting like this and be completely against working through the issues or even discussing them with DP. I have seen all the texts and emails between them and there are genuinely no accusations against DP's behaviour at all, so I cannot believe that there's a safeguarding risk to his son.

DP lives on his own in a lovely 3 bed house with a bedroom exclusively in the hope that DS will come over, he has all DS favourite things there and DS school is in the middle of both houses. DS also has friends who live near DP so wouldn't be far from his social life. DP works from home and therefore there are no logistical problems.

Next step will be court but this is really having a massive effect on DP not least because he can't even speak to his ex to discuss it

OP posts:

EnoughnowIthink · 08/04/2021 09:11

Tricky age. He is probably old enough to make his own decision and assuming mum isn’t deleting messages before he is able to read them, if he’s not really responding, I am not sure there is anything to be done other than mediation and then court. I would be prepared, however, for court to be difficult because of his age but a good CAFCASS officer may be able to get to the root of the problem without mum in the room.

When DP contacted school to find out why he wasn't receiving emails mum had given them an incorrect email address

His ex is not his secretary. He could have contacted the school himself. Too many men rely on their ex having all the relationships their children have organised appropriately with an expectation that information is passed on. Sorry but divorce negates all that. He needs to develop independent relationships with school, sports clubs, friend’s parents etc if he wants to know what is happening in his son’s life.

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 09:15

Thank you. That's a fair point about the email. This is now sorted and he recognises that he will need to be completely proactive.

OP posts:

Themadcatparade · 08/04/2021 09:16

It is a tricky age but at 11 surely they are too young still to make the decision not to see the other parent and the courts accept it? 11 is very young and easy to influence. I’d be concerned about alienation here.

If I was your DP I’d go seek a good family lawyer and get a letter write up for access and go down the court route before it’s too late, they hit their teens and the courts can’t do anything about it anymore. If your DP wants a chance to establish a relationship with his son, he is best doing it now as he might not get the chance later.

Pompom2367 · 08/04/2021 09:18

Has be offered to attend mediation or councelling with his son op to see if it can be resolved

Themadcatparade · 08/04/2021 09:20

The decision that any overnight stays is ‘too much’ is pure bollocks to, and no disrespect to your DP but why on earth he put up with that decision and didn’t fight for an equal or more time with his own son is beyond me.

KurtWilde · 08/04/2021 09:20

At 11 he's old enough to make a decision to not see his DF if he doesn't want to. There doesn't have to be any underlying abuse etc, he perhaps just doesn't feel like he clicks with his dad or something equally as simple.

You say he's a hands on dad but one weekend day per week isn't very hands on! And expecting his ex to do his parenting admin (school etc) makes him sound quite uninvolved.

I'm not sure what good court/cafcass would be seeing as his DS isn't answering texts etc, they obviously wouldn't be able to force him to have a relationship with his DF at that age.

11 is a tricky age, in my experience children start feeling like they want some control over their lives, some autonomy, and they explore this in different ways. This is perhaps one of them.

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 09:22

@themadcatparade yes court is the next step and was something he was hoping it wouldn't come to. He also feels that 11 is too young for DS to make his own decision and for him to have no idea why he has made that decision

@Pompom2367 yes he has. He has suggested mediation with his son, mediation with his ex and using a counsellor that DS knows to get to the bottom of it but ex says that it's not in DS best interest and will upset him.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 08/04/2021 09:22

Son is older than 10, so the courts will listen to his wants & wishes.
If he doesn’t want to see his dad, he can’t be forced to. Same with replying to texts etc.
Sorry.
However it’s definitely still worth pursuing mediation & court. Does your boyfriend have good legal advice?

makingababy · 08/04/2021 09:26

11 is too young to make those decisions. She’s hiding behind that excuse because it suits her. She’s being selfish and it sounds like court will be the only option. It also sounds like court is very much in the child’s best interest, if that’s what it takes to gain contact for your DP.

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 09:27

@kurtwilde. He wanted 50/50 and ex refused. He then overnights and ex refused saying it was too much for DS. He would happily have 50/50 but given he can't even get to speak to his DS and his ex will not facilitate then he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. The school admin is a fair point - ex gave them the wrong email suggesting she doesn't want him to have any contact with them. He now recognises that he should have been more proactive is now in regular contact with school.

OP posts:

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 09:29

@FelicityPike he does have good legal advice, and he's following it to the letter. He spoke to a few solicitors before settling on this one.

@makingababy that's his concern.

OP posts:

Themadcatparade · 08/04/2021 09:33

This is why court is needed. My DP’s ex would not let him have access to his son when they broke up either, they have been to court twice and now he finally has about 40/60 which is the closest he will get to 50/50.

She has played a hard game of alienating, but he’s fought against it all the way. Claimed that he doesn’t want to come midweek etc etc but it was pure lies. Honestly if he doesn’t try and go down the court route now he will lose his son and there won’t be anything he will be able to do about it unless his son makes the decision.

KurtWilde · 08/04/2021 09:53

I wish you luck OP, and it does sound like the ex has had a hand in this. However, I maintain that due to his age court cannot force your DPs son to have contact with him and will take his wishes into consideration.

FelicityPike · 08/04/2021 10:31

Sounds like it’s edging into parental alienation here.

Aprilshowersandhail · 08/04/2021 10:42

You need Cafcass to be speaking to his ds.. They will figure out if his wants are really coming from the ex..
And not ds..

Frustratedbeyondbelief · 08/04/2021 10:55

Why on Earth did he accept the initial one day a week deal ? No wonder he isn't interested in his father when he has no relationship!.

Why do men do this ? Accept crumbs from the mother - when they are BOTH equal parents and neither of them get to 'bestow' time.

Or is your OH quite a lazy parent quite happy to see his son once a week whilst he was establishing his relationship with you ?

You have offered mediation, which has been refused . Now get into court. 11 is old enough to have your opinions listened to. However I would very much doubt any family judge will agree that it's a good idea that he doesn't see his father.

Why is the mother doing this ? Is it a possession thing ? Does she have a new relationship or is she jealous that he has moved on with you and this is her revenge?

Funfairballoon · 08/04/2021 10:57

@Frustratedbeyondbelief

Why on Earth did he accept the initial one day a week deal ? No wonder he isn't interested in his father when he has no relationship!.

Why do men do this ? Accept crumbs from the mother - when they are BOTH equal parents and neither of them get to 'bestow' time.

Or is your OH quite a lazy parent quite happy to see his son once a week whilst he was establishing his relationship with you ?

Why is the mother doing this ? Is it a possession thing ? Does she have a new relationship or is she jealous that he has moved on with you and this is her revenge?

Because mediation / court isn't easy, its expensive, time consuming and actually you have no guarantee anything will change because mum simply say no you're not seeing them afterwards and what can you do about that? Go back to court. Court orders often aren't worth the paper they're written on.

lunar1 · 08/04/2021 11:02

He needs to take it to court, no matter how hard it might be. His son will be listened to at 11, but they will also look for signs of parental alienation. I hope your partner gets to the bottom of this.

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 11:09

@Frustratedbeyondbelief Or is your OH quite a lazy parent quite happy to see his son once a week whilst he was establishing his relationship with you ?

Absolutely not, he is not a lazy dad at all. We do not live together, we do not do overnights due to my own children and we keep a very separate line between our relationship and the relationship with our children with them taking priority all the time. We do not live in each others pockets and contact with his son will always come before any relationship with me.

Why he agreed initially to such limited contact initially, I can't comment. I think that he took what she offered and she promised that once DS had got used to it they'd be able to increase it and build up slowly. I guess that they thought it was the right step at the time.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 08/04/2021 11:13

We have no idea what led to the situation. We have no idea what dad he was when they were together for 9 years.

Maybe OP's DP is very naive and the reasons are obvious or maybe it all comes down to one small issue.

What is not right no matter what is that mum is not engaging as ultimately it's in everyone's interest that he should know unless she has exolained but he isn't listening.

Who knows!

BrilliantBetty · 08/04/2021 11:19

He's 11 so his preference should be taken in to account.

It's not for mum to persuade DS to see his father if he refuses to go. She allows contact with father, but DS doesn't answer the calls / messages. It's also not for her to sort out contact with ex-Inlaws and arrange 'thank you' for gift etc. They are no responsibility of hers anymore.

He's probably not telling you about something that has happened. Or perhaps it's to do with you and DPs relationship why this has come about?

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 11:20

@dontdisturbmenow

Correct, the bottom line is that his ex wife won't engage with him to have a conversation, for him to know what the problem might be and neither will she engage with a mediato. If he had that information he would at least be a bit clearer

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 08/04/2021 11:23

Social services said from age 6 my son was not to be forced to see his father by the time he was 10 they showed up again and spoke to ds again they recommended that I not encourage a relationship (not discourage just not bend over backwards for him giving lifts food and allowing him to chip and change contact) so the threshold for listening to the child can be younger than you think but my ex is toxic and they know this im not saying your partner is om simply saying you might not be able to compel him to see his dad

Original poster

triavgor · 08/04/2021 11:37

@BrilliantBetty

Really? You don't think that if a child is still in primary school and isn't saying thank you to their grandparents and is ignoring their dad's messages their mum shouldn't make him do it out of good manners? I also disagree that she shouldn't be persuading her DS to see his dad. He is a child and if he doesn't want to see his dad surely as a good parent she should be sharing the child's concerns with his dad and working out how to support contact.

He's probably not telling you about something that has happened. Or perhaps it's to do with you and DPs relationship why this has come about?
He may not be telling me something, I get that but the texts and emails give no indication about that. DS doesn't know about me. I have never met him, DP has never cancelled or changed an arrangement due to me and he has never discussed me with his ex other than to tell her that he's seeing someone.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersandhail · 08/04/2021 11:40

Actually once in the court system the dm will be advised she must encourage the dc to see the df... Lack of encouragement and the dismissing of acknowledgement of a relationship being necessary for her ds could see her lose custody..
Advised by my barrister when I was refusing to cooperate..
Not the same circumstances but same scenario as such.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread