15 months in, not met the dc, should I be glad or sad..

[Allypallya]

Dp and I have been seeing each other for 15 month's now.
We're both divorced . Me with older teens, him with 2 primary school age.
He has them 5050.
He doesn't want to marry or blend families as he's had a hard time with the divorce and feels too wounded.
We see each other a lot, pretty much his free 50 percent and stay over 3 to 4 nights a week.
He hasn't introduced me to the dc or told his exw about me and I'm starting to feel off about it.
He's met my dc twice casually and they text each other funny things

I don't know whether to continue to take it slow and see what happens or realise I will always be a secret.
Should I just count my blessings? Sometimes it feels like I have the best of both worlds as I can just go home to my kids and have a breather but be with him having cuddles, I love yous, cooking lovely food etc.
Should alarm bells be ringing?

No his kids don't know he's dating. They are both under 10, and the youngest still gets tearful, wants parents back together etc.
Exw drove the divorce. He says he feels he was to blame, took her for granted etc, she then had an affair.
He's very wounded and feels angry at the financial outcome of the divorce.
@Allypallya - firstly, I agree with what @sassbott & others have said in that in many

No his kids don't know he's dating. They are both under 10, and the youngest still gets tearful, wants parents back together etc.
Exw drove the divorce. He says he feels he was to blame, took her for granted etc, she then had an affair.
He's very wounded and feels angry at the financial outcome of the divorce.
@Allypallya - firstly I agree with what @sassbott & others have said in that in many ways I think it's possible your dp is being very sensible & is protecting your relationship from potential fall out from his past.
However, there are many red flags for me in your situation.
Depending on where you live & set ups with extended family etc., his not telling his exw & dc that he's dating is imo wrong. There is a potential scenario that a family member lets it slip or someone she knows sees you out & about & before you know it his not telling her becomes a massive thing. Imo he's being naive if he thinks that after 15 months together & friends & family knowing she won't find out. Therefore I see his not telling her as coming from a place of fear, which does not bode well.
The above highlighted portion of your post would also alarm me. It's one thing to acknowledge the role you may have had in the breakdown of your marriage but to blame yourself & live with that blame is very destructive. A therapist once said to me that Guilt is the most useless but dangerous of all feelings as it drives everything but achieves nothing all the while keeping you stuck in the past.
If your dp's handling of his exw & dc is rooted in guilt then he is always going to be on the back foot with them; his exw will always be in the driving seat & he will always be the responder. He will never have agency over his dc & you will be the one living with the impact of that.
Also - his blanket assertion that he will never marry & never blend suggests to me that he doesn't actually 'see' YOU; he's still 'seeing' a bad marriage & a bad divorce when in a relationship & as such while he may appear to have moved on, he really hasn't. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to blend or marry, but it should be a clear eyed choice based on present circumstances, as opposed to a reaction to a past relationship. You are not his exw so basing a potential future dynamic with you on the past one with his exw is unfair & pointless.
All that being said he is entitled to feel how he feels - but so do you & if you feel that your needs are not getting met then that's perfectly valid & you don't have to convince yourself he's right & you're wrong. I do think there is no fairytale happy ever after post divorce, but if you make your peace with that & you're still unhappy I'd say trust your gut.
Fwiw the phone notification thing would bother me too. It would bother me because with no one else off silent it would indicate to me where his head actually is. It would be different if he had everyone on silent, or everyone bar a few close contacts such as you, his parents etc.

Completely agree with @Magda72

There are many aspects to this which could be fine, or could be batshit bonkers stuck in the past crazy. There is no way to know.

It’s why when people say ‘you knew what you were getting in to’ they are talking rubbish.

I’ve been with my DP five years and have only just found out this last weekend the full extent of the toxic dysfunction in his original (married) family, into which dynamics he is permanently fixed. Which makes him impossible to move in with (which is actually fine by me).

Just sayin’

Hmm yes I do see what you are saying.
I think I need to try an work on me.
He text's a lot while I'm with him and rarely let's me know who it is, I certainly don't ask. So my mind goes into overdrive.

Yes, good plan. If he ultimately makes you a bit twitched then maybe there’s room in your life for more than just him. Friends, hobbies, best not to pin too much on one bloke (standard advice across the board and especially good advice when there are kids on both sides).

Don't rock the boat. You have the best of both worlds and I wish I had had that for longer when I met DH.

Have a good read of the threads on this board and breathe a big sigh of relief that you don't have to put up with any of that shit!!!!

Hello just revisiting my thread.
I'm now over 18 months in and still not met the dc.
I read the advice here often and am very much enjoying what we have rather than trying to focus on what I think we " should " have.
I just needed some advice on a current situation really.
His dc tested positive for covid on Monday so are isolating with their mum who has also tested positive. This means he can't see the dc and is so miserable.
I've come over to see him and stayed a few days but I feel like a consolation prize
He's just so miserable he can't be with them, and although he's told me he's glad I'm here and hugged me etc I'm starting to feel like I'm mainly used as company, so he doesn't feel alone without the dc etc.
For example I've been here 3 days, I've cooked and cleaned for him while he works from home, I've cuddled and soothed him at night, but that's it. No sex, no " us " time. Am I being horrendously selfish?

@Allypallya having read your update I stand by my last post. This man is not seeing you as a person in your own right & I think your assertion that he may just see you as company is correct.
I would also say that his abject misery at not seeing his dc due to them isolation is pretty over the top.
Of course he'll miss them but he's not seeing them for a very good reason & bar any of them being desperately unwell his bring totally miserable to the detriment of him being able to enjoy his time with you is quite frankly ridiculous.
I don't mean to sound rude but I honestly don't see what you are getting out of this relationship.

Sounds brilliant. Wouldn't want to date a man with young children when mine are older.

@Allypallya

Hello just revisiting my thread. I'm now over 18 months in and still not met the dc. I read the advice here often and am very much enjoying what we have rather than trying to focus on what I think we " should " have. I just needed some advice on a current situation really. His dc tested positive for covid on Monday so are isolating with their mum who has also tested positive. This means he can't see the dc and is so miserable. I've come over to see him and stayed a few days but I feel like a consolation prize He's just so miserable he can't be with them, and although he's told me he's glad I'm here and hugged me etc I'm starting to feel like I'm mainly used as company, so he doesn't feel alone without the dc etc. For example I've been here 3 days, I've cooked and cleaned for him while he works from home, I've cuddled and soothed him at night, but that's it. No sex, no " us " time. Am I being horrendously selfish?

He sounds selfish and thoughtless OP. I would ditch him tbh. Inviting someone over just to whine the whole time over missing someone he isn't seeing for one week is really poor form.

He hasn't introduced me to the dc

This I would be fine with. It's been 15mths, which is a long time, but they are quite young and wish daddy was still at home, so it's probably not a terrible thing that they don't know about you. At some point though, this will have to change if you ever see yourself living together.

or told his exw about me

This would not be ok with me. Because she doesn't know about you, you see the frequency of her contact as irritating. If she knew you were there, she might respect his non contact time more and ease off.

My gut? He doesn't want her to know about you because he's not over her divorcing him. He's too angry about what he lost financially after she was the one to ruin it with an affair, but I think he wishes it had never ended, and doesn't want her to know.... and that's got nothing to do with the children.

I don’t think it’s a problem he hasn’t told the kids about you. And I don’t see why it’s the ex’s business to know about you or why he should tell her, not until you’re about to meet the kids.

How he’s behaved with you this past week does sound rather rude given that he invited you over. He should be able to both be missing his kids and enjoying doing things with you.

As for feeling like a consolation price, in the nicest way you probably are. He had an expectation he’d see his kids. That doesn’t mean he should show it so obviously.

Nah, your gut is speaking to you quite nicely, OP.

My guess you feel a bit irrelevant/invisible? Poor form for him to be moping having invited you. And unattractive, surely.

I’m going to play devils advocate though...

Why the ? have you gone round there and cooked and cleaned for him while he is at HOME (working, yes, but, from home.. his home…). This does not (and I repeat does NOT) align with what is essentially a fledgling relationship. Please don’t be that woman. You’re putting yourself in a pigeon hole. Giving more than you’re getting back. Being The Good Woman. Check yourself. Keep it light. Especially if he is moping, he doesn’t exactly sound like fantastic company during this visit? Maybe go home and do something for you? Meet up with friends instead?

BTW I’m the same poster as up thread, latentphase (been lazy logging back in and using an old user name). Been in a relationship for 5.5 years ish now. We are on our last legs. Due to ‘differences’ in opinion about what responsibility looks like and how much weight women and men are meant to pull in relationships. You could say it’s ‘about the kids’ buts it’s very much about gender roles with other people’s kids. Don’t sleep walk into Wife mode.

For example I've been here 3 days, I've cooked and cleaned for him while he works from home,

Why? Cooking and cleaning when it's not even your house.

I've cuddled and soothed him at night, but that's it. No sex, no " us " time.

He's a bit dramatic needing soothing. It's not like the kids are gravely ill. He's not interested in sex?

Am I being horrendously selfish?

No. You're not.

Did he invite you?

OP - I haven’t read all the responses but I’ll share my experience with you. My relationship of over 5 years ended recently. I was very clear from the outset that with time I wanted it to become a true partnership - not necessarily blending families (we both have kids, he had a difficult divorce and high conflict ex wife) but transparency about being together and planning a future together to our exes, children, families, friends. Compartmentalising life, secrecy, felt uncomfortable and wrong to me and not what I wanted (obviously it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work for other couples!).
During our relationship my ex was saying that’s what he wanted, too (and sometimes acting this way), but then retracting and going back to keeping different life areas separate. It was highly confusing and I never knew where I stood with him. It all fell apart eventually. Keeping things separate was easier for him and I could see why. However, for our relationship it felt like we were forever dating and never really moving forward.
Consider what’s important to you and make your decision based on what happens now - not based on words or hopes for the future.

Yes he invited me. We see each other a lot. Pretty much whenever he doesn't have his dc.
I think this will change very soon though as we have both been wfh and that's coming to an end. It will be telling to see what happens to us

I just can't relax into us. I'm permanently thinking it will end or something is wrong.

I think you’re listening to your gut because this visit has been a damp squib. And it’s maybe telling you that ‘this is it’ for you. What ever the vibe from him, it’s keeping you relegated. Not celebrated.

Maybe just step back and let his level (of commitment) come through when you’re both back in the office with more complicated logistics? Or give yourself a time frame of 2 years? Will you ever meet his kids do you think?

After 18 months, I’m surprised you haven’t been introduced to his dc. You’re not any flash-in-the-pan girlfriend anymore, but a dp. Do the children (or ex) know he’s dating yet? And his family and friends? What does he say when you say you’d like to meet them? Could you all go to the zoo together. You don’t even have to be introduced to them as his girlfriend, but as a friend.

Are you a fwb to him?

No we've discussed being a girlfriend and boyfriend to each other. He's supportive and has met my dc and been to my house etc.
I left last night and went home but I've returned this evening to keep him company.
He's still really down and snapped at me earlier. He thinks I'm critical of his depression but I'm really not. He's missing the dc a lot today I think.
Itx hard because I just feel on the edge of his life .
I'm assuming his exwife has been messaging about the dc as there have been lots of texts this evening but I never feel I can ask who it is.

If you didn’t enjoy being there yesterday, why did you go back today?

And the texts may not be from his ex wife. Or some may be, and others may be from friends. Or from his kids using his ex wife’s phone. Or he could have another woman. There are all sorts of possibilities.

If you feel the volume of the texts is such it’s disrupting your time together, you should feel comfortable enough to say. The fact that he never mentions who it is or you don’t feel you can ask us a bit of a problem, but that’s a problem with his rudeness.

@Allypallya why in the hell did you go back today? He's a grown man behaving like a child & quite frankly you're enabling him.

You went back to ‘keep him company’? This sounds more like dog-sitting than a relationship! I’m actually not being flippant. I feel a bit sad for you.

And I have this picture in my brain, of you sat next to him and him texting & texting away, and you not being able to say anything. I feel there’s a huge emotional distance there. Why is that? This is not about the kids.

Neither of these these scream ‘healthy relationship’.

I know how hard this is, I’m trying to extricate myself after 5years. So I absolutely feel you. It’s awful. It hurts. Stings. So I know where you are at.

This is not about ‘his dc’. This is about open, healthy, mutually respectful relationships.

I agree with @HandyWoman - it’s more about the man himself - his emotional unavailability and inability to create a healthy, mutually supportive partnership with you.
I can assure you - unless he puts hard work now into changing his patterns it’s not going to get better. You’ll run yourself empty trying to make it work.