I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

Of course life is better when they're not there-kids are tough! It's totally understandable and whilst I'm perfectly fine with my step kids being around, and know I'm a good/caring/inclusive step parent, I still prefer it when they're not here.

I think it's totally understandable for you to feel that way but please just try and manage those feelings so that they don't pick up on them abs grow up feeling like they're inadequate/an inconvenience. I tell myself that on a bad day!

My relationship with my step children has really improved since having my own because they're adorable with her and now I feel I have a biological link with them which is lovely xx

My relationship with my step children has really improved since having my own because they're adorable with her and now I feel I have a biological link with them which is lovely

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby together any day now and I do wonder if the same may happen for me as I'll feel more "linked" to them? I still don't think I'll ever love them, but I also don't think that's necessary. I think having our own might make me feel maybe closer to them though. Who knows.

@LucieStar

My relationship with my step children has really improved since having my own because they're adorable with her and now I feel I have a biological link with them which is lovely

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby together any day now and I do wonder if the same may happen for me as I'll feel more "linked" to them? I still don't think I'll ever love them, but I also don't think that's necessary. I think having our own might make me feel maybe closer to them though. Who knows.

Having my own DD honestly didn't change my feelings either way. People always like to say SMs will be "wanting to push the SC out as soon as they have their own kids", or that it should make them feel maternal towards them, but for me it didn't do either!

@aSofaNearYou

There's every chance it won't change anything for me either. But obviously I don't know til the baby arrives. It wouldn't concern me if it didn't, or if it did. Just pondering!

@Finelinehere
But it is possible in the right circumstances and shouldnt be made out to be an impossible thing to do.

And there we have it. The impossible dream. The hook, the bait and the line.

It's exactly like attaching a paper butterfly to a stick and string. You then dangle that in front of your cat, and keep flicking it away out of reach. If you never let the cat catch the butterfly, it finally stalks away, tail in the air and ignores you for hours!

When I had my own I didn’t push former dsc out. There is no doubt that having my own did show how differently I felt towards former dsc and that the two just weren’t the same, but I didn’t try to write dsc out.

At the same time, I couldn’t just ignore the fact that I was also a mum and I was very aware of the fact that they needed me a million times more than dsc did.

@Finelinehere
For me, the difference is how much I've been able to parent. With the younger ones, I've had significant input and it's like I've adopted them. Not so with the older ones who'd left home before I was on the scene. This difference is actually another whole problem, but this is not my thread

@funinthesun19

When I had my own I didn’t push former dsc out. There is no doubt that having my own did show how differently I felt towards former dsc and that the two just weren’t the same, but I didn’t try to write dsc out.

At the same time, I couldn’t just ignore the fact that I was also a mum and I was very aware of the fact that they needed me a million times more than dsc did.

I agree with this. I'm not going to lie I have struggled alot with DSS this year. Unfortunetly my son was born right before lockdown so I thought my being irritated with DSS was because of this phenomenon of once you have your own you wont love stepchildren. What I have realised after talking to my friend who has a child of similiar ages that I was experiencing was an annoying 9 year old. Usually he goes to school and sports and swimming and has friends over. Suddenly parents and by default step parent became teachers, coaches, parents playmates ............... and it is exhausting. And I realised that it's ok to feel drained and not want another 13 hour day of trying to entertain a 1 year old and 9 year old with nowhere to take them. I'm not an evil step mum I'm human. And talking to my friends in real life about how hard I'm finding it has made me see that.

I don't know any mum who wants a break (which is fine to want) that would use the phrasing "I don't like when my children are home". That's a pretty hurtful thing to say about anyone.

I agree with this.

Wanting a break, is very different to never wanting your child around and always preferring that they weren't around you.

You feel as you do as a SM...nobody can tell you not to feel that way .... but trying to compare those feelings to a mum wanting a break, seems like trying to justify your feelings.

You don't need to justify your feelings or seek comparisons, that really aren't the same.

My children are sleeping at my parent’s house on Friday (bubble), and I am looking forward to the break. But at the same time I will also end up feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself when they’re not here. I do end up missing them and the routine we have. With dsc I would have just got on with it not really given them a second thought once gone.

@LucieStar congratulations and good luck!

For the first couple of months I REALLY didn't like the SC being here because being a first time mum/adjusting/caring for a newborn felt so overwhelming I didn't feel able to cope and I started to freak about about what I'd done! BUT please hold on to the fact it WILL get easier and it'll get to a point where there's lots of lovely things about them being there-being able to play together etc, and my daughters face lights up when they arrive so that gets me through!

How old are your DSC? Mine were 4 and 6 and it's much easier now they're 7 and 9! X

My relationship with my step children has really improved since having my own because they're adorable with her and now I feel I have a biological link with them which is lovely

That's very positive and refreshing to hear.

Sadly in other cases, it intensifies the SMs feelings of not wanting the SC around even more. As she feels the SC 'intrudes' on the new family unit EOW or whatever arrangement they have.

[quote Missingthebridegene]@LucieStar congratulations and good luck!

For the first couple of months I REALLY didn't like the SC being here because being a first time mum/adjusting/caring for a newborn felt so overwhelming I didn't feel able to cope and I started to freak about about what I'd done! BUT please hold on to the fact it WILL get easier and it'll get to a point where there's lots of lovely things about them being there-being able to play together etc, and my daughters face lights up when they arrive so that gets me through!

How old are your DSC? Mine were 4 and 6 and it's much easier now they're 7 and 9! X[/quote]

Thank you!

They're all older now, my DD is 14, DSS 13, and DSD 11. So they'll be a great help no doubt!

@SandyY2K

I don't know any mum who wants a break (which is fine to want) that would use the phrasing "I don't like when my children are home". That's a pretty hurtful thing to say about anyone.

I agree with this.

Wanting a break, is very different to never wanting your child around and always preferring that they weren't around you.

You feel as you do as a SM...nobody can tell you not to feel that way .... but trying to compare those feelings to a mum wanting a break, seems like trying to justify your feelings.

You don't need to justify your feelings or seek comparisons, that really aren't the same.

There's also a difference between never WANTING your SC around, and wanting them to NOT be around. I can't say I have ever actively thought "I wish my SS were here", but I also don't always think "I wish you weren't here" when he is around.

As for always preferring it when they aren't there... I think this can be honestly said about most people that come to see us that aren't our partner or children. There are people I like having over, and people that I don't mind having over but it's hard work, but my "normal" is just me and my DP. To varying degrees I breathe a sigh of relief when they go. That's a pretty normal emotion in my book.

This is the sort of topic it would never occur to me to start a thread on. To me it doesn't need saying, it's just normal and to be expected.

I won't date a man with kids end of....I'm not keen on other peoples children and can't be bothered with all of the hassle. I have one adult DS myself who is lovely and let home 15 years ago. Taking on someone elses baggage is way too complicated for me.

There's also a difference between never WANTING your SC around, and wanting them to NOT be around. I can't say I have ever actively thought "I wish my SS were here", but I also don't always think "I wish you weren't here" when he is around.

Absolutely. I've never wished my SC were here when they weren't, or missed them; but equally I don't actively wish them away when they're here, either. It's more of an indifference - I can take it or leave it type thing.

This is just so silly. If a step mum is meant to put their setp child first love like their own they are accused of over stepping and not knowing their place.

If they are honest about their feelings we are awful people who should of known that living with this angel child is a given, and to put up and shut up.

I really do think there are some single mums or first wives stalking these posts to make themselves feel better. Just reading this thread is depressing from some of the responses and completely unrealistic on the expectations on step mums.

I got it myself ,blamed for the dynamics that my partner and their ex have when it comes to their kids. Something established before I came onto the scene. Like I was the wicked witch who caused it. It was poor DM and I'm evil for enabling.... sorry nothing to do with me.

So for the bitter ex's or the first now ex wives please lay off and go to lone parents to offload your drivel....

@Userwoman1990

This is just so silly. If a step mum is meant to put their setp child first love like their own they are accused of over stepping and not knowing their place.

If they are honest about their feelings we are awful people who should of known that living with this angel child is a given, and to put up and shut up.

I really do think there are some single mums or first wives stalking these posts to make themselves feel better. Just reading this thread is depressing from some of the responses and completely unrealistic on the expectations on step mums.

I got it myself ,blamed for the dynamics that my partner and their ex have when it comes to their kids. Something established before I came onto the scene. Like I was the wicked witch who caused it. It was poor DM and I'm evil for enabling.... sorry nothing to do with me.

So for the bitter ex's or the first now ex wives please lay off and go to lone parents to offload your drivel....

I've posted a bit on here because I am a step child who never felt 100% welcome at my DF's house growing up (step mother came on the scene when I was 10). My step other was never obviously horrible or hostile about us kids being there (EOW and one night per week), but I just knew she preferred us not to be around. Preteens can be very intuitive. That's hard to deal with in what is meant to be your home as a child. She and I have a great relationship now actually, but I never felt totally comfortable or relaxed as a child and I think it had lasting effects on me and my siblings.

@LaceyBetty
What do you feel your step mother could have done more of or differently? Realistically?
My DH has said the same as you about his step mother growing up, but also said she didn’t put a foot wrong. He’s still in touch with her from time to time even though she spot form his dad many years ago now.
He feels his awkwardness was his dad’s responsibility because he moved 100 miles away and only saw him during a school holidays.

@LaceyBetty I think it's interesting that you see that as a failing of your step mother and not your dad. You didn't feel welcome in your dad's home and you blame his partner rather than him, even though he is your parent and you state that she wasn't hostile. I echo the person above, what would you have expected her to do when your dad wasn't able to foster an atmosphere where you felt welcome?

@Youseethethingis really good question and one I've asked myself. As an adult I can now appreciate how hard it must have been for for her, but at the time I felt like a guest in what was meant to be my own home. Funnily, I think it felt worse when she didn't participate in things my siblings and I did with our dad as, in my mind, it was because she didn't like us. For example, if she went to bed early and left us to watch a movie with my dad, it felt like a slight. I see now that is probably not true!

She was quite fussy and had exacting standards and I don't think she had any understanding of what kids around 10 years old were and weren't really capable of. We had to be on absolute best behaviour (or so I perceived) or she would have words with my dad about us. Whispered sometimes that we all could hear.

She really couldn't win I don't think. But seeing the title of the OP just made me sad and hurt that maybe my step mother was thinking that the whole time. I felt she was at the time.

As others have said, when my half sibling was born (I was 13) things changed and I think we all bonded more as a family. I know that doesn't happen every time, but is nice when it does.

One thing I think my step mum did right was not to get involved, at all, with my mum. They had zero relationship and there was zero drama in that regard.

@KylieKoKo agree. Now I see it for what it was, but not in my child's brain. I do think a lot of how I felt was my own perception of what was going on and not reality. I just wanted my parents back together really. A step mum is a much easier target for a child who is unhappy.

The title of the OP just a brought up a few old (childish) emotions!

"I cannot possibly feel that way about any other child. I am just fundamentally not programmed that way"

But then how do Adoptive parents do it? Do you not believe that they can? So many say this happened, and also so many SM...

Regarding how, I cannot be sure, I have not been in that situation. However i can relate to this question from my own experience in this way: Dont know about you guys, but when I first delivered by DC, I wasnt immediately head over heels madly in love with my DC. I became gradually (fast though) admiring of her features, her innocence and vulnerability, what she does, how she grows etc etc which grew to unconditional love. And then, even if she makes me mad sometimes, love stays on...So perhaps a process like this is going on though i am neither a psychologist nor a sociologist.

@SpaceshiptoMars
"For me, the difference is how much I've been able to parent. With the younger ones, I've had significant input and it's like I've adopted them. Not so with the older ones who'd left home before I was on the scene. This difference is actually another whole problem, but this is not my threadsmile"

sorry just reading these. Yes that makes sense - - the friend i mentioned earlier was a teen, so she developed a great relationship, she does call it love, when she was upset with her own DM, she would go and let steam off and stay with her, but her SM probably (my assumption) wasnt like her relation with her DM. But i read on threads other SM that feel exactly the same towards their SC as their DC. So probably being allowed to parent, from a young age, brings out the maternal instincts...

@Finelinehere

"I cannot possibly feel that way about any other child. I am just fundamentally not programmed that way"

But then how do Adoptive parents do it? Do you not believe that they can? So many say this happened, and also so many SM...

Regarding how, I cannot be sure, I have not been in that situation. However i can relate to this question from my own experience in this way: Dont know about you guys, but when I first delivered by DC, I wasnt immediately head over heels madly in love with my DC. I became gradually (fast though) admiring of her features, her innocence and vulnerability, what she does, how she grows etc etc which grew to unconditional love. And then, even if she makes me mad sometimes, love stays on...So perhaps a process like this is going on though i am neither a psychologist nor a sociologist.

Oh dear me.

Adoption is entirely different. You are the parent, as a step parent, you're not, you're a step parent.