I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

@Finelinehere
I would be interested in those scientific studies you mention, if you care to provide a link.

Have you read the works of Patricia Papernow? I don't agree with all she says, but she paints powerful portraits from different viewpoints in a stepfamily.

Like you, I would love the world to be the kind of ideal place where love, time and patience slosh around in oceans. Unfortunately, it isn't, and we have to live in this real world with our limited resources and handle the incoming hostilities. Financial constraints, inadequate living space, living under siege from exes, disturbed teenagers and adult children - these are our realities. Dangling visions of perfect lives in front of us is just adding to the torture, frankly. Ideal Home is not where we are at!

So, although I can see where you're coming from, a purely academic viewpoint comes across as utterly tone-deaf.

It does seem to me that, rather than villifying stepparents, it might be more productive for parents to consider whether their choices make their children loveable.

Say your partner has a dog. You knew they had a dog when you met them. So you should know what to expect and can’t complain. You have met the dog loads of times, been on walks etc, stayed over and it’s all been fine. After moving on however you learn that the dog doesn’t actually sleep in the kitchen (as it did every time you stayed). It sleeps in the bed. On your head. And your partner lets it shit all over the garden and doesn’t pick it up. So you keep standing in shit while trying to hang out your washing. He lets the dog chew your slippers and lie in the basket of clean washing you’ve just folded it haven’t had time to put away. He lets the dog jump up and steal food from your plate at dinner. And various other things that mean you find the dog pretty much unbearable. Your partner doesn’t care. It’s the dog’s home and it was there first. They are a package deal, etc etc.

None of this is the dog’s fault. It’s the dog owner being an inconsiderate shit. But you’re not going to love the dog, are you? You did your research about dog ownership and this particular dog first, but the thing is, your partner was purposefully presenting a sanitised version of the reality.

It must be you though. You are a dreadful intolerant person who just doesn’t like the dog (or dogs in general). It cannot possibly be that this dog is not enjoyable to be around because it’s owner allows it to be a pain in the arse.

Much the same can happen when you become a stepmother. Except with even more complex dynamics that are completely beyond your influence, never mind control. It’s hard to love a SC whose hostile mother has told her not to talk to you. Or who desperately wishes her parents would get back together so she cuts up your clothes and other things to try to drive you away. Or whose Disney dad allows all sorts of problematic behaviours (and might also scapegoat you if you object to a child climbing all over you and screaming through a tv programme you were trying to watch with your own child). And so on.

Again, it’s not the child. It’s the parents and the way they handle a situation that so often determine the extent to which their child is loveable.

It’s not something that comes in the advertising for the ‘package deal’ you signed up for. You can spend years making sure it’ll be fine, thinking you’re getting to know everyone and the situation first. But the advert was wildly misleading, because who is going to sign up for standing in dog shit every time they want to dry washing (or having to take responsibility for the shit entirely) because the dog’s owner can’t be arsed to deal with it properly?

"that doesn't make them a bad person" i dont think so either, and i did not say anywhere that it does. all i said was society judges in this way. You dont agree this should be pointed out, as it hurts feelings of SMs, but i do. Lets stop there as on this point, as i dont want to go around in circles. We dont agree on this part: "...necessarily constitute a problem for the family." This is not a blanket rule. It seems to me that root cause of many problems is a lack of love for SC. i have seen threads here asking tips about how to get an SC out of inheritance, what to do because the SM hates it when the SC comes home to stay (for no reason), feelings of conflict when a DC is born as SC is stealing time away from the family unit...etc. etc. I can imagine you will not agree with these things @aSofaNearYou , but it is clear others do as they are posting such things...i am merely pointing this out, not broad brushing all of you...

Well it's good that you don't think they are bad people. But the reason I questioned why you felt the need to point out society's judgment is because if you had actually experienced being a step parent, you would already know that. You would not need it pointed out to you, that just comes across like you WANT them to feel judged. We all know how much we are judged.

Although I often hear it said by people that dislike step parents, I don't think I have ever seen a thread on here where a Step parent has tried to get their SC out of their inheritance, or at least out of their father's inheritance. Step parents brazenly wanting to keep the SC away after a baby is born because they are "getting in the way of the family unit", without there being some other relevant factors at play, also seems to be something of a MN myth. It's not something that comes up with any degree of regularity.

What you DO see often are significant issues around the behaviour of either the SC themselves, the partner, or the ex, which are stopping the SP from relishing the situation. I can't say I have ever seen a thread on here that said "my SC are lovely and not challenging at all, but I hate them, how can I stop them from coming now my baby is born and cut them out of the inheritance." There is almost always context, and if the overall impression you get from reading this board is "step parents are the problem for not trying to love their SC"... then I'm afraid there's very little I can say besides you must be very biased.

Have you considered that the correlation between SM happiness and loving their SC might come about because they have been lucky enough in the wider circumstances to make both things possible? Rather than them just being better people who are ‘expansive in their love?’

This is an excellent point. Because of the adults around me making things hard (my lazy, spineless ex/ his horrible ex wife and her attitude/ the in laws always favouring dsc), they made it pretty much impossible to get to a place where I would love my dsc and feel enthusiastic about my role. I mainly blame my ex, because he was the foundation that would either make or break the whole thing.
I believe I have it in me to love another person’s child (in a different way to my own obviously but still strongly) and I wouldn’t see stepparenting as a chore. But it has to be when the right relationship, with a supportive and hard working partner who makes it all worth it. Or it’s doomed really.

The big difference between a relationship with a crap dog owner and one where you’re dealing with screwed up dynamics around children is that people will be much more understanding about the dog issues.

When it’s stepchildren, what the research shows is that the stepmother will feel dreadful. She will blame herself. She’ll absolutely berate herself for it and see herself as the problem. She’ll try really hard and actually accept her position as the family scapegoat.

And outsiders will agree with and encourage this. After all, only a monster would feel like this about children.

I believe I have it in me to love another person’s child (in a different way to my own obviously but still strongly) and I wouldn’t see stepparenting as a chore. But it has to be when the right relationship, with a supportive and hard working partner who makes it all worth it. Or it’s doomed really.

I’m sure you do have it in you. But it’s really a bit like gardening. It’s only going to grow and flourish under the right circumstances. Stick a tarpaulin over your plant, fail to ever water it, and regularly stand on the top and it’s unlikely to flourish. Maybe you’ll get a few hardy weeds in there.

But let’s blame the plant. It’s the one that failed here.

Yes I totally agree with you. Only under the right circumstances is it ever going to work. Hence why it never worked for me, because other people stopped me from watering that plant and they chucked a load of weed killer on it instead. (Just using your methaphor)

**metaphor

Oh yes. Letting others come round and spray weed killer is definitely an aspect of that metaphor.

Haha that’s made me laugh, I wrote a post to that effect paraphrasing The Rose on here yesterday but didn’t post as it was too flowery

. I parent my own totally independently, l don't want or expect any help from anyone else, neither do l want the responsibility of other peoples kids.
I think it is very short sighted to imagine children are going to actually like new partners and spending times in different homes because parents have chosen to blend families, same with the step parent, and on these threads step mum always seems to get lumbered with most of the work, ending up miserable.
It seems better all round maybe for the two partners to stay living seperately ?

@FishyFriday

The big difference between a relationship with a crap dog owner and one where you’re dealing with screwed up dynamics around children is that people will be much more understanding about the dog issues.

When it’s stepchildren, what the research shows is that the stepmother will feel dreadful. She will blame herself. She’ll absolutely berate herself for it and see herself as the problem. She’ll try really hard and actually accept her position as the family scapegoat.

And outsiders will agree with and encourage this. After all, only a monster would feel like this about children.

I thought your analogy was very honest but also accurate, and it's very familiar to me, although my DP does do his best to tackle his son's behaviour.

Exactly how I'm expected to have fallen madly in love with a child whose own father admits is a hugely unrewarding person to build a relationship with, expecting a huge amount but giving next to nothing back, even down to just your average sweet or endearing moments, is beyond me.

Just like with adults, the likelihood that you will come to love a child that isn't yours is very much dependent on how loveable their behaviour is. If they fall short of that, it doesn't follow that you hate them and will make their life miserable, it's just an honest reflection of how much you gel with their character.

I do think I'd have had a much easier job "trying" to love my SC had it been a child with a different temperament.

[quote Finelinehere]@TrustTheGeneGenie

ok, lets relax. Try not to take this personally. Also, although i feel your posts are starting to become personal attacks, i will ignore them. Feel free to swear if f words are allowed.

"You observing threads on mumsnet, isnt anything like living it yourself. You know that right?"

of course i do. Same way you should know you cannot speak for every SM - your assertions directly contradict other SMs. Noone can know every single person's experience. What you can do is infer from available data, with uncertainty, a hypothesis as to what seems to be working.

Perhaps someone who has had that experience can better collect data (e.g. you having spoken to various SMs here and real life).

On the other hand, experience doesnot mean you will make better, more accurate inference, because: (a) your data has selection bias (echo chamber here, people you talk to being or appearing naturally more sympathetic in real life) (b) your inference may have experience bias (you might give more weight to certain outcomes, and draw biased conclusions due to your own negative experience)

Regarding your question on whether all SMs should try to love their SCs like a parent:

If it is possible, and by possible i mean the mum isnt in the way,] [if the child in question is a regular in your house, i.e. you have time and space together], [insert other conditions i cannot think of now] then yes, why not?[/quote]
I haven't once tried to speak for other SM's - they're all speaking for themselves and you're ignoring them!

No sorry - i think you're wrong. I don't have experience bias at all - i dont automatically think all ex's are arseholes and all step parenting relationships are bad - at all. What i am is realistic.

Re loving like a parent - no, not why not - i am interested in specifically why you think they should.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@LucieStar:
No, security is not loving everyone ; security is knowing that there is enough love for everyone. Those are vastly different concepts.

I am not threatened by my spouse's love for his children; nor am I bothered by the amount or number of times that his ex calls or texts (I do not monitor his call and texts from anyone). I know what he feels for me and I for him, and our relationship is not threatened or marginalizes by any of those factors.

We were not incomplete when we met, and neither of us completes the other. We did not and do not require validation of our status because we each know who we are and what we bring to our relationship table. It is not perfect, because we are not perfect, but we are confident enough to not be threatened by the various aspects of life and baggage that we each carry.

His relationships with his children and his ex were in place when we met as were mine. I found him acceptable with things as they were and he found me to be acceptable with my existing arrangements. Our loving each other did not require changing who or what we were and how we managed other relationships.[/quote]

That's fine. None of it has anything to do with the fundamental point that an SM doesn't have to love her step kids or feel anything close to love for them, to be a good enough stepmum. It's not a failing on her part. That was my point

@Tiredoftattler
You seem to be having an entirely different conversation with yourself.
Who has even hinted at feeling threatened by their partners love for his children?

Quite. It bore no relevance to what I was saying!

@FishyFriday

Your posts are spot on.

Thank you for your post @SpaceshiptoMars

"
I would be interested in those scientific studies you mention, if you care to provide a link.

Have you read the works of Patricia Papernow? "

Sure, will post them tomorrow (writing from my mobile now) , Have not come across Papernow, will chech this. Thank you for recommending it.

@aSofaNearYou

Will also reply and post the link to that thread tomorrow, hopefully it's not deleted. Kudos to the SMs, majority shoed her away as I recall... She wanted to rid her from dp's inheritance.

Completely my thoughts to the previous comments along the lines of "no i cant love another child", "but he's not my biological child therefore cannot happen", "but she/he's is loved by her parents already" etc etc...

Yes these are my comments and I stand by them. I will not apologise for not experiencing a human emotion that I just do not feel. I'm not a robot - I can't just summon it up! And you know what? It really, really doesn't matter. They are loved by their own parents, as is my dd. No one is fucking traumatised. Honestly.

I don't have children of my own, but my partners children have been in my life for the past 2 years. I have fallen in love with them as they have been open with me, we have fun and I truly enjoy their company and having a small part in their life. It hasn't always been roses, but it has been a natural gradual relationship that we've all allowed to grow. It has helped that their mother has encouraged things between us all and has been kind to me.

It isn't all wonderful, and sometimes I have felt left out, and my confidence has been dented but I see it as a privilege that I am able to play a part in their lives. I don't take their acceptance for granted, and am always quietly overjoyed when they show me affection. They both hold my hand, and look to me for advice - and it means the world to me. I feel extremely lucky with these two, I know how hard it can be when their are issues and varying factors that can deeply affect things.

Say your partner has a dog. You knew they had a dog when you met them. So you should know what to expect and can’t complain. You have met the dog loads of times, been on walks etc, stayed over and it’s all been fine.

After moving on however you learn that the dog doesn’t actually sleep in the kitchen (as it did every time you stayed). It sleeps in the bed. On your head. And your partner lets it shit all over the garden and doesn’t pick it up. So you keep standing in shit while trying to hang out your washing. He lets the dog chew your slippers and lie in the basket of clean washing you’ve just folded it haven’t had time to put away. He lets the dog jump up and steal food from your plate at dinner. And various other things that mean you find the dog pretty much unbearable. Your partner doesn’t care. It’s the dog’s home and it was there first. They are a package deal, etc etc.

Simple solution. I'd move out. He's not the last man on earth and I'm not going to live where I feel so uncomfortable.

If I find a situation unbearable and my partner doesn't care...then I would be a fool to stay. I don't understand why leaving wouldn't be the obvious thing to do.

I don't like dogs around when I'm eating, much less taking food from my plate.

I won't have a dog in my bed either.

The dog reverts to the way it was and that I deemed acceptable...or I'm gone.

But the advert was wildly misleading, because who is going to sign up for standing in dog shit every time they want to dry washing (or having to take responsibility for the shit entirely) because the dog’s owner can’t be arsed to deal with it properly?

Just like seeing a job advert saying great opportunities. That you'll be given training every 6 months on a new product and you can have xyx. Salary increase in 3 months.

Except that doesn't happen. You find you're a glorified bottle washer, no pay rise. The advert was misleading like you said...no opportunities...2 years in and no training.

The only reason I'd stay...is while I'm looking for another job of I needed to pay the bills. It doesn't make sense to stay, unless I thought I couldn't do any better.

Something may not end up being what you expected. Marriage isn't whatsome people expected. They find themselves doing all the parenting/housework and it's nothing like the partnership you thought it would be and is a constant source of unhappiness. As marriage is not a life sentence, you leave and release yourself from the situation. .

Working on difficulties in a relationship is fine when you have a degree of control over the issues...but if the source of your unhappiness concerns his kids or the Ex...you can't change that.

Simple solution. I'd move out. He's not the last man on earth and I'm not going to live where I feel so uncomfortable. If I find a situation unbearable and my partner doesn't care...then I would be a fool to stay. I don't understand why leaving wouldn't be the obvious thing to do. I don't like dogs around when I'm eating, much less taking food from my plate. I won't have a dog in my bed either. The dog reverts to the way it was and that I deemed acceptable...or I'm gone.

I guess the honest answer is because you've got to imagine the dog is only around EOW. It's hard to explain to people that have never been in that situation and people always get up in arms when you say they're not a very big part of your life, but that's often the honest truth. For the vast majority of the time, they aren't there are it isn't happening.

Now a lot of step parents on here describe a level of disrespect from their partners around the subject that would compel me to leave regardless of how often the kids were around, I totally agree on that. I don't know why they put up with it, I would only ever stick around if my partner was very gracious about the situation, which he is. I also don't understand why people stick around when these problems are there and contact is 50/50 or more. I can't imagine sacrificing that much of my life. But when the child is only there EOW and it's a bit tough, but the rest of the time is great, and your partner's attitude is alright... yeah it's pretty easy to stay in that scenario.

I guess the honest answer is because you've got to imagine the dog is only around EOW. It's hard to explain to people that have never been in that situation and people always get up in arms when you say they're not a very big part of your life, but that's often the honest truth. For the vast majority of the time, they aren't there are it isn't happening.

Tbh one day of that nonsense with the dog wouldn't fly with me, never mind the regularity of it.

EOW is a lot. It's also the anxiety as the custody weekend is approaching and the time to wind down when they've left.

All the days in between might be okay, but there's always the feeling of dread.

Now a lot of step parents on here describe a level of disrespect from their partners around the subject that would compel me to leave regardless of how often the kids were around, I totally agree on that. I don't know why they put up with it

I guess it's the same reasons that women don't leave other crap relationships, that don't involve SC. Like the finances, fear they can't do better, lack of confidence, bio clock ticking, for those who have shared kids, they don't want to be a pt parent and of course crazy stupid love...even though your OH treats you poorly or let's his DC treat you poorly.

But when the child is only there EOW and it's a bit tough, but the rest of the time is great, and your partner's attitude is alright.

If my partners attitude is not alright EOW, I wouldn't find that acceptable.

I honestly think it comes down to individual levels of tolerance for a situation they're uncomfortable in.

I was uncomfortable when I was with friends and their kids behaviour was bad or just annoying..I got irritated that the parents didn't correct it. There's not a chance I'd put up with that EOW or more.

I just ended up suggesting we meet without the kids in the end.

I do sometimes wonder if it's more SMs who feel this way than Stepdads, or whether it's just that women are more inclined to talk about it on forums.

In most cases it's mum's who have most time with their kids, so their new partners have say 12 out of 14, sometimes more days with their SC and yet I hear a lot of SMs saying they couldn't cope with more than EOW.

Perhaps it could be that men (on the whole) are more accepting of SC than women are. I guess that's a whole other thread in itself.

I just ended up suggesting we meet without the kids in the end.

And how did that play out?

@SandyY2K I think there are a lot of reasons why SDs don't appear to have as many problems, but I think one of them is probably that the SC are generally there more, so they wouldn't stay in the relationship if they didn't enjoy being around them. EOW is a lot, but at the same time lots of people spend as much or more than that with people they wouldn't like there all the time, such as colleagues or in laws. It still balances out so that your default eveving is just you, DP and any resident DC. EOW also passes quite quickly when you're not expected to be heavily involved, I actually use that time to have lie ins in the morning while my DP spends time with both of the kids, and he takes the lead with DSS the rest of the time too, so the time often washes right over me.

I wouldn't tolerate the situation at all if my DPs attitude was poor, so I can't answer for the people who do stay when that is an issue. But I can certainly understand why it makes them resentful