I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

*Completely my thoughts to the previous comments along the lines of "no i cant love another child", "but he's not my biological child therefore cannot happen", "but she/he's is loved by her parents already" etc etc...

But much better worded. you should write a book @Tiredoftattler

More parental love doesnot hurt anyone!*

More selectiveness from you here. Several people including myself have already made very valid points refuting this comment and showing what a double standard it is, and yet you blindly wade in and say what a good point it was.

Notwithstanding the fact that one poster has already pointed out how too much parental love actually DID hurt her and she did not want that from her SM, why on Earth do you think this is what people are saying? I don't know how to make it any clearer that what people are saying is they do not feel that parental love, do not feel they can force it regardless of whether it would be nice or not, and that does not constitute an enormous problem in their relationship.

@LucieStar:
No, security is not loving everyone ; security is knowing that there is enough love for everyone. Those are vastly different concepts.

I am not threatened by my spouse's love for his children; nor am I bothered by the amount or number of times that his ex calls or texts (I do not monitor his call and texts from anyone). I know what he feels for me and I for him, and our relationship is not threatened or marginalizes by any of those factors.

We were not incomplete when we met, and neither of us completes the other. We did not and do not require validation of our status because we each know who we are and what we bring to our relationship table. It is not perfect, because we are not perfect, but we are confident enough to not be threatened by the various aspects of life and baggage that we each carry.

His relationships with his children and his ex were in place when we met as were mine. I found him acceptable with things as they were and he found me to be acceptable with my existing arrangements. Our loving each other did not require changing who or what we were and how we managed other relationships.

I think that secure people realize that love is elastic and there is time and space enough for everyone in a healthy relationship.

Love might be elastic (where it exists) but time and space are not (unless we’re existing at some quantum level).

The fact is there may not be time nor space for everyone. These are finite resources. And can be a difficulty in any relationship.

This can be a very real barrier to all sorts of things, not least the growth of some sort of pseudo-parental love. And it can mean that contact time with the nonresident children is not much fun for those whose time and space is squeezed to make room for them.

@Tiredoftattler
You seem to be having an entirely different conversation with yourself.
Who has even hinted at feeling threatened by their partners love for his children?
Being annoyed and saying so that your partners ex is over involved in your life isn’t a sign of insecurity, it’s a sign of having standards and not being afraid to speak up for them.

And making reasonable accommodations for a person you want to share your life with is normal and healthy, not something to be sneered at as you do. If you want to carry on as if you were single and have a partner who does the same then go for it. Normal relationships don’t work like that.

My step mum is amazing.

She's always shown great patience, boundaries but love towards my younger sisters and brother.

I was already 21 when they met but we are great friends and she is always checking I'm okay etc.

The younger kids Mum is batshit and she's had to put up with a lot but remains as lovely as ever.

I mean she's vented to me a few times when the kids have been hard work and I expect it's really tough for stepparents sometimes but I think a good relationship will help that.

I don't think you should be TTC with this man, what happens when you have your own baby and they are staying too? I agree with other posters that you knew he had children when you entered into a relationship with him.

@wishes1111

My step mum is amazing.

She's always shown great patience, boundaries but love towards my younger sisters and brother.

I was already 21 when they met but we are great friends and she is always checking I'm okay etc.

The younger kids Mum is batshit and she's had to put up with a lot but remains as lovely as ever.

I mean she's vented to me a few times when the kids have been hard work and I expect it's really tough for stepparents sometimes but I think a good relationship will help that.

I don't think you should be TTC with this man, what happens when you have your own baby and they are staying too? I agree with other posters that you knew he had children when you entered into a relationship with him.

Bit odd that you acknowledge how tough step parenting is and how much shit yours had to deal with, but still default to the same flippant cliche at the end.

@wishes1111

My step mum is amazing.

She's always shown great patience, boundaries but love towards my younger sisters and brother.

I was already 21 when they met but we are great friends and she is always checking I'm okay etc.

The younger kids Mum is batshit and she's had to put up with a lot but remains as lovely as ever.

I mean she's vented to me a few times when the kids have been hard work and I expect it's really tough for stepparents sometimes but I think a good relationship will help that.

I don't think you should be TTC with this man, what happens when you have your own baby and they are staying too? I agree with other posters that you knew he had children when you entered into a relationship with him.

FFS. I wish that phrase was banned.

@Finelinehere

Completely my thoughts to the previous comments along the lines of "no i cant love another child", "but he's not my biological child therefore cannot happen", "but she/he's is loved by her parents already" etc etc...

Nobody is saying they CANNOT LOVE ANOTHER CHILD, what they're saying, if you'd listen, is that they do not feel the same way about their step children as their own children. That is fine. It really is. As i have previously said, i love DSS, but not exactly the same way i love DS. And that's fine. I am DS's mum. He only has one, and its me. I am not DSS's mum, he also has only one but she is not me. He doesnt need me to love him like a mother, because he has one. Instead i love him like a step mother, because that's our relationship.

Think of it like this.

My best friend has a baby. I think the world of him, i love him very very much, my life is better for him being in it, but, i dont love him like a mother, because i am not his mother. I love him like, an aunt, lets say. Can you understand that?

There is enough love for everyone, but we love everyone differently., you know?

But much better worded. you should write a book @Tiredoftattler**

Please, please dont.

More parental love does not hurt anyone

again, you cannot just say "ah, i shall love you like a parent" - it doesnt work like that. Many step children have two parents, they dont need more parental love because they have their own parents. You can absolutely love/be fond of/be happy to have your step children around, without loving them like a parent does, and THAT IS FINE.

Please, please stop trying to say "its not impossible" "what about adoption" because you're making yourself look really ignorant and dismissive.

@aSofaNearYou i am not being anymore selective than you are.

There are also several people, including SMs, APs, (just another one i asked pmed me ) who say that it is entirely possible to feel the same love to your DC and to your SC/AC, through their experience. My position is that if you try to do this, in the right, allowing circumstances of course, than you will be happier as an SM. So will your family. I dont understand why would you refute this to be the case? There are also many scientific studies that show that happy SMs are those who are inclusive in their love. Of course it cannot be forced, but it can be tried. It is not IMPOSSIBLE as you suggest. You keep saying other people said smt many times, but i see only a handful of the same people arguing exactly the same things over and over again and dismissing others...It is like a we are stuck in some sort of time loop..Maybe you and I should just agree to disagree.

@TrustTheGeneGenie ignorant? thanks...

[quote Finelinehere]@aSofaNearYou i am not being anymore selective than you are.

There are also several people, including SMs, APs, (just another one i asked pmed me ) who say that it is entirely possible to feel the same love to your DC and to your SC/AC, through their experience. My position is that if you try to do this, in the right, allowing circumstances of course, than you will be happier as an SM. So will your family. I dont understand why would you refute this to be the case? There are also many scientific studies that show that happy SMs are those who are inclusive in their love. Of course it cannot be forced, but it can be tried. It is not IMPOSSIBLE as you suggest. You keep saying other people said smt many times, but i see only a handful of the same people arguing exactly the same things over and over again and dismissing others...It is like a we are stuck in some sort of time loop..Maybe you and I should just agree to disagree.[/quote]
ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE NOT STEP PARENTS. IT IS NOT THE SAME THING. IT IS ACTUALLY OFFENSIVE TO COMPARE THE TWO.

Look, right. You aren't a step mother - so with all due respect how the fuck do you know what would make people happier as a step mother?

Go on, because i think we would all LOVE to hear it.

@Maggiethatcher98 what? Are you a bot?

[quote Finelinehere]@TrustTheGeneGenie ignorant? thanks...[/quote]
yes, ignorant.

You think you know best, despite having not been in this scenario, you wont accept that people disagree, have had different experiences, have actually you know been in this situation. Its ignorant.

@TrustTheGeneGenie ok now you are also using f words...saying with all due respect before f, doesnt make it more respectful.

Regarding your question to what seems to make SMs happy, i am observing what i have read in these threads, and in scientific literature. You yourself probably will not know if you have not tried it. or your circumstances did not allow you to do so.

Further, please do not personally attack me...You dont know me, and you dont know if i am "ignorant".

interesting logic there. So if you have not been a happy SM, you wont know what results in that condition. Would you say you are "ignorant"? I would not label you so.

"f words" are allowed.

You observing threads on mumsnet, isnt anything like living it yourself. You know that right?

I can read a medical journal but it doesnt make me a doctor.

Sorry, what? You think every step mother should try and love their step children like a parent? Why? Why is loving them like a step parent and having a meaningful relationship not good enough? You havent actually explained that?

Ok then, your posts are very ignorant.

@Finelinehere

interesting logic there. So if you have not been a happy SM, you wont know what results in that condition. Would you say you are "ignorant"? I would not label you so.

I know exactly why i have been an unhappy step parent, and its the treatment from his ex girlfriend that has made me unhappy, nothing to do with my relationship or my love for his child. HTH.

me loving his child like my own doesnt make his ex any less of an arsehole - you see?

[quote Finelinehere]@aSofaNearYou i am not being anymore selective than you are.

There are also several people, including SMs, APs, (just another one i asked pmed me ) who say that it is entirely possible to feel the same love to your DC and to your SC/AC, through their experience. My position is that if you try to do this, in the right, allowing circumstances of course, than you will be happier as an SM. So will your family. I dont understand why would you refute this to be the case? There are also many scientific studies that show that happy SMs are those who are inclusive in their love. Of course it cannot be forced, but it can be tried. It is not IMPOSSIBLE as you suggest. You keep saying other people said smt many times, but i see only a handful of the same people arguing exactly the same things over and over again and dismissing others...It is like a we are stuck in some sort of time loop..Maybe you and I should just agree to disagree.[/quote]
You're not being more selective than me? Are you having a laugh? I've responded to comments I agree with and disagree with, and my replies have addressed the things people have said to me in their replies. You just keep saying the same thing over, completely ignoring the content of the comments you get back before saying the same thing AGAIN, though people have explained so many times that what you're saying is categorically not what they meant, or said. The funniest thing is you've done it right here, in this comment, and you genuinely don't seem to see it.

I have never, not once refuted the fact that SMs are often happier when the love comes with their SC. I have even said as much myself! I have also never suggested it is impossible for anyone to love their SC. Can you point out where I have said that?

I have said that for some people it might be possible, whilst others may not feel that way for a variety of reasons, but that that doesn't make them a bad person OR necessarily constitute a problem for the family. I have also said that what YOU seem to want to do is say you should try to love your SC (fair enough), but then if they do not feel that way or have tried and failed, immediately default to "well you're just trying to make yourself feel better, you should know the rest of us are judging you". You are also trying to claim that you are trying to make SP feel happier by making these comments, or that your comments are more likely to make them feel happy than the comments by other step parents. I have said, time and again, for which you have no answer, that it is absolutely ridiculous to think you are being in any way kind to step parents who are already well aware whether they feel any love for their SC or not, by speaking as you have about how they should feel if they don't.

PLEASE enlighten us all on how it is everyone else that is "arguing the same thing over and over" and not listening to the replies.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

ok, lets relax. Try not to take this personally. Also, although i feel your posts are starting to become personal attacks, i will ignore them. Feel free to swear if f words are allowed.

"You observing threads on mumsnet, isnt anything like living it yourself. You know that right?"

of course i do. Same way you should know you cannot speak for every SM - your assertions directly contradict other SMs. Noone can know every single person's experience. What you can do is infer from available data, with uncertainty, a hypothesis as to what seems to be working.

Perhaps someone who has had that experience can better collect data (e.g. you having spoken to various SMs here and real life).

On the other hand, experience doesnot mean you will make better, more accurate inference, because: (a) your data has selection bias (echo chamber here, people you talk to being or appearing naturally more sympathetic in real life) (b) your inference may have experience bias (you might give more weight to certain outcomes, and draw biased conclusions due to your own negative experience)

Regarding your question on whether all SMs should try to love their SCs like a parent:

If it is possible, and by possible i mean the mum isnt in the way,] [if the child in question is a regular in your house, i.e. you have time and space together], [insert other conditions i cannot think of now] then yes, why not?

@aSofaNearYou

yes i think you agreed fact that SMs are often happier when the love comes with their SC. My repetitive comments are not to you, but to others who dont agree with this by saying "how do you know are you an SM?"

we also agree on this: "that doesn't make them a bad person"

i dont think so either, and i did not say anywhere that it does. all i said was society judges in this way. You dont agree this should be pointed out, as it hurts feelings of SMs, but i do. Lets stop there as on this point, as i dont want to go around in circles.

We dont agree on this part: "[not loving does not]...necessarily constitute a problem for the family."

This is not a blanket rule. It seems to me that root cause of many problems is a lack of love for SC. i have seen threads here asking tips about how to get an SC out of inheritance, what to do because the SM hates it when the SC comes home to stay (for no reason), feelings of conflict when a DC is born as SC is stealing time away from the family unit...etc. etc.

I can imagine you will not agree with these things @aSofaNearYou , but it is clear others do as they are posting such things...i am merely pointing this out, not broad brushing all of you...

If it is possible, and by possible i mean the mum isnt in the way,] [if the child in question is a regular in your house, i.e. you have time and space together], [insert other conditions i cannot think of now] then yes, why not?
Because if you try and fail (how do you try to live anyone, by the way?) then you have created a problem where there wasn’t one originally. Namely “Failure” and all the emotional baggage this comes with it. When simply being kind and caring towards the child is enough and all that can reasonably be expected.

It seems to me that root cause of many problems is a lack of love for SC
I can see why you might think that but actually the lack of love is more likely to be just another symptom of shit dynamics between the adults.

Have you considered that the correlation between SM happiness and loving their SC might come about because they have been lucky enough in the wider circumstances to make both things possible? Rather than them just being better people who are ‘expansive in their love?’

The thing is, the ‘scientific literature’ quite clearly shows that SMs almost universally go into it all hoping for the best. They think they are going to adore their SC and have a lovely, fluffy blended family (Brady bunch style).

But... what happens is not even close to bring within their control. So many factors affect their ability to form a positive relationship with the children. And much of that contributes to un/happiness.

But let’s just look at a correlation and assume a moral superiority in the ones that ended up happy. That fits the cultural narrative after all.