I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

Appreciate your honesty. Being a step parent is difficult and mostly sucks. My step kids are adults now, and it has absolutely not been an easy journey, especially as my husband has a terrible relationship with his ex their mother, they simply cannot communicate even now, after years.

My advice to my younger self would be not to get involved with a man who has kids, it’s fraught with so many unexpected issues. I wouldn’t be without my husband now, but it has caused many problems.

"That's not what anybody wants and I am not sure why you're trying to infer that it is? "

Do you mean [ A forum where both interact together would be so much more productive.]? But maybe some people would want that?

Anyway, not accepting anyone who is not an SM here does not work, because they get interested and come in anyway (me :D) and then the discussion becomes all the more heated...I get that SMs want a place to rant, but this is not a closed off forum with any background checks...

The trouble i think is when an SM like the OP comes in to say, I dont want my SC around but do want to have DH's babies, then the experienced SMs make a set of assumptions that links to their particular way of viewing things. Others e.g. Exes, SCs, Complete neutrals, etc. make another set of assumptions. It is important to discuss these assumptions, as none of us have any idea which one of these are correct unless the OP informs us...I have just been saying how it comes across to a neutral person category.

i said thats how it comes across; not that every single SM who doesnt do so is mean. What i think is of course this is all circumstantial, and that new SMs shouldnt be given advice that they should disengage from their SC, and that SMs loving their SC have a much better time, and successful families. Hence I would encourage new SMs to try. By creating a negative atmosphere on these threads, the new SMs expectations are set low already
This is all fine except for one thing - the parents have more power/influence over the whole thing than a step parent does. They set the scene, the expectations, make the decisions.
My feelings towards my DSD have run the whole spectrum from adoration, to indifference, to resentment, to dread at the thought of her coming right back round again to now where things are very good between us and her mother and I’m actually quite looking forward to seeing her this weekend.
I think it’s because our relationship isn’t built on love that comes from my every cell like my love my own DS. My relationship with her only exists because of my marriage. So if DH was one of these clowns who tried to leave me with all the donkey work of looking after his child, I wouldn’t feel good about our marriage and I certainly wouldn’t feel good about his child.
When her mother has been going through what I will delicately call “her phases” (which have coincided with finding out about our relationship, DH moving in with me, us getting engaged, married, birth of DS - you see the pattern?) and stopped contact, messed around, started making demands and generally been an unreasonable shit, I have not felt too well disposed towards DSD, who has often ended up an innocent little spy or mouthpiece.
It’s very complex stuff and “just try” is unforgivably simplistic IMO.
Of course some SMs are just dicks, and I can think of a few MN posters who fit this bill, as are some ex’s and some partner and some kids. But the parents are the ones with the keys to all of this. Step parents can only do what they do and hope for the best.

"the parents have more power/influence over the whole thing than a step parent does"

i do get that. i remember a friend who was a SC and when she said to her DM that she met the lady and actually liked her, her DM was very upset, so she was conflicted - but i guess due to her age (i think teens this was) she made her mind up and had her own relationship with her. The SM separated in the end but they still see and very much support each other.

Also this comment probably applies when the SC are away with their DM, and not living with the SM. In the latter case building a relationship is probably easier away from those influences...

Thank you for also acknowledging that some SMs may be just dicks. Just as some DMs, DHs, SCs can be...

I dont buy the argument that this doesnt effect the SC if the SM doesnt show it. Children can sense and understand they are not welcome, unless the SM is a great actress, which would be exhausting i guess.

Oh fgs. There doesn’t need to be any acting.
How difficult is it to understand that a SM might be genuinely warm and welcoming when the stepchildren are there, and then enjoy their time more when the stepchildren aren’t there? It is very easy to achieve both of those things without upsetting anybody!

The way people are going on, unless the SM goes over the top with kindness and gushiness towards their stepchildren then the stepchildren will sense something. How about just act normal and natural, and not feel guilty when they’re not there again in a few days?

I mean I just don’t get why people are so offended about this? Should a stepmum’s life only be more enjoyable when it’s enriched by the stepchildren's presence?

You’re setting yourselves up for so much disappointment and bitterness if this is how you view the way stepmums / your children’s stepmum should be.

"How difficult is it to understand that a SM might be genuinely warm and welcoming when the stepchildren are there, and then enjoy their time more when the stepchildren aren’t there?"

This is not what the OP had said.

But to the wider point, there may be times when SM enjoys time alone with her DH, when all together, when completely on her own! There is no blanket rule to when a person should enjoy themselves. It is just dependent on my mood. As a DM i sometimes enjoyed the lockdown spending time with my DCs, sometimes couldnt wait them to go back to school to take a breather. This is all perfectly normal. The thing is if the SM never ever enjoys being with the SC, then there is something wrong isnt there? It means misery for her, for the SC, and for the DH and i can imagine, inadvertently for their DC too, due to the atmosphere...

The rootcause of these discussions always comes back to the same point of a lack of love, with (some) SMs arguing they cant, wont, love a kid, and others expecting this from them. This comes across mean (omg did i use an offensive word, will i be reported again even if others use the same?), especially if they are capable of loving their own DC.

I've rarely seen a situation where an SM "won't" love her step kids - can you show me a thread where an SM has said "you know what, I could conjure up some love for this kid if I wanted to, but I use don't want to".

Or, do you more often see (which is the reality I'm afraid for many): "I like them, I enjoy their company (I equally enjoy the break), but I just don't feel the same as I do my own kids. I just don't love them. Is that normal?"

I'd argue you see the latter far more often.

It's not "mean" - it's a fundamental part of human and maternal nature to love your own in an entirety different and biologically programmed way. You cannot change that. Some SMs say they feel very similar for SCs as they do their own - that's lovely. I'd say the vast majority simply don't feel this way. You can't force it. It's not mean - it's just that natural human emotions cannot be forced. Towards anyone, child or adult.

@Finelinehere

Do you genuinely not understand the fundamental and instinctive difference that exists in the relationship between mother and child, versus stepmother and stepchild? How you have concluded that basic instinctive biology and the emotions that arise from this are "mean", I honestly can't fathom.

@dontdisturbmenow

I don't systematically defend ex wives not do I systematically accuse SMs, just as I didn't here.

There is some much defensiveness and insulting on this forum. Sadly, I often suspect that the reason many experience conflict is more to do with personalities than being an ex or a SM.

As it is, I am an ex from long ago, and yes, there were teething issues at the start of my ex new relationship but these were iron out quickly and although we've never became friends, there's been mutual respect. I look forward to meeting up with her at my kids' wedding.

It's very sad that SMs can only feel validated and happy if told by those experiencing the same issues that there are doing nothing wrong and everything is anyone else's fault. I feel just the same with single mums. A forum where both interact together would be so much more productive.

On your last point, I totally agree, but it works both ways, and the other voice is usually louder. SMs are just fighting against the tide.

Yes that cant be forced. Neither should it be discouraged or made to believe is unreasonable or even better not to do so, or even better not to do so...

"I'd argue you see the latter far more often."

But maybe it isnt? We only can know our own experiences and the people we speak to. That is why I think one should be aware that these kinds of forums due to their nature end up being echo chambers. I am not trying to offend anyone, it is natural that people want to share and sympathise with others who feel the same way. But loving SMs shouldnt be shoed away or their experience made out to be out of the ordinary. It might be that loving SMs do not come here as often and there may be a selection bias...

@Finelinehere

"That's not what anybody wants and I am not sure why you're trying to infer that it is? "

Do you mean [ A forum where both interact together would be so much more productive.]? But maybe some people would want that?

Anyway, not accepting anyone who is not an SM here does not work, because they get interested and come in anyway (me :D) and then the discussion becomes all the more heated...I get that SMs want a place to rant, but this is not a closed off forum with any background checks...

The trouble i think is when an SM like the OP comes in to say, I dont want my SC around but do want to have DH's babies, then the experienced SMs make a set of assumptions that links to their particular way of viewing things. Others e.g. Exes, SCs, Complete neutrals, etc. make another set of assumptions. It is important to discuss these assumptions, as none of us have any idea which one of these are correct unless the OP informs us...I have just been saying how it comes across to a neutral person category.

No, nobody wants an echo chamber. Which is good, because that's obviously not what is happening here.

Nobody is "not accepting" none step parents we are just sick of the trolls. Those who think "well you shouldn't have married a man with children" is a reasonable thing to say. It's offensive and it helps nobody.

Everyone can have an opinion but offensive comments can and do get deleted. As with every other thread on this site.

"Experienced stepmums" don't make assumptions, but they do have a wealth of experience and knowledge and most will answer honestly. If I think a step parent is being a dick I will say it - there is no "oh you do you hun" here. There never has been.

You need to understand that advice and support from people WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT is generally more helpful than advice from an ex wife who frankly has no idea how it feels.

I could go advise on dog ownership, but I understand that people who actually have dogs are better placed to do that than me.

By all means, give your advice, but don't come here and expect everyone to take it as gospel when you actually have zero experience in that situation.

"Do you genuinely not understand the fundamental and instinctive difference that exists in the relationship between mother and child, versus stepmother and stepchild? How you have concluded that basic instinctive biology and the emotions that arise from this are "mean", I honestly can't fathom."

I genuinely feel this can be overcome in the right circumstances to the point no there is no difference. So many examples from SMs, and also from A (adoptive?) P. Maybe a forum where AP and SM can talk would be interesting. I get that you dont choose to be have a kid when you are an SM, but are sort of falling into it, due to the choice of your DH, but there still may be a mutual understanding.

again, i didnt say anyone in particular was mean, i understand this is circumstantial. i said it is how SMs like the OP would be perceived.

Yes that cant be forced. Neither should it be discouraged or made to believe is unreasonable or even better not to do so, or even better not to do so...
Back to what I said before. The parents. It’s a nice thing to live your step child if the wider family dynamics can accommodate that.
It’s an unreasonable expectation. My DH has said he would like me to love DSD but realises it’s not the sort of thing he can expect or demand of me. It is enough that I care about her very much.
I might love DSD if our relationship hadn’t been cut down at the knees back at the start. After that experience, I can’t allow myself to truly love a child whose upbringing I have no say over and whose mother could stop her being in my life on a whim. It’s sometimes been hard enough on DH as her father, loving DSD under these circumstances.
As it is, I wound my neck straight back in again.

@Finelinehere

"Do you genuinely not understand the fundamental and instinctive difference that exists in the relationship between mother and child, versus stepmother and stepchild? How you have concluded that basic instinctive biology and the emotions that arise from this are "mean", I honestly can't fathom."

I genuinely feel this can be overcome in the right circumstances to the point no there is no difference. So many examples from SMs, and also from A (adoptive?) P. Maybe a forum where AP and SM can talk would be interesting. I get that you dont choose to be have a kid when you are an SM, but are sort of falling into it, due to the choice of your DH, but there still may be a mutual understanding.

again, i didnt say anyone in particular was mean, i understand this is circumstantial. i said it is how SMs like the OP would be perceived.

You think it can be overcome? How?

How do you think it can be overcome?

Like I said, I love my dss but I don't live him in the same was as ds. The only way would is if u had brought him up from being an infant and his mother wasn't involved. That isn't a reflection on either of them, but they're the only circumstances where I would need to fully mother him, and that makes a huge difference.

As someone with no experience I find it odd that you can confidently say this can be overcome.

@TrustTheGeneGenie i wouldnt expect anyone to take my word as the gospel :D Neither would i take any one experienced SM's words as gospel truth of how an SM should behave - nor should anyone.

I genuinely feel this can be overcome in the right circumstances to the point no there is no difference.

I could not disagree more.

"As someone with no experience I find it odd that you can confidently say this can be overcome."

i have seen examples that this is the case. Have you not seen any examples at all? But yes, raising a SC yourself would lead to a much easier path.

[quote Finelinehere]@TrustTheGeneGenie i wouldnt expect anyone to take my word as the gospel :D Neither would i take any one experienced SM's words as gospel truth of how an SM should behave - nor should anyone.[/quote]
Well no, and that's not what I've said. Just that someone's advice who has experience of the same situation might be more valuable to someone struggling.

If you needed advice on your cat would you ask a vet or a painter and decorator?

@Finelinehere

"As someone with no experience I find it odd that you can confidently say this can be overcome."

i have seen examples that this is the case. Have you not seen any examples at all? But yes, raising a SC yourself would lead to a much easier path.

Who? Because I'd bet you don't know the full story. I don't tend to tell everyone I know in rl I love my child and step child differently.

No I don't know anyone who loves their step children exactly the same. Even my own step dad. He loves me, I'm sure of that but does he love me the same way as my brother? I don't know. I don't care because it doesn't matter to me. We have a lovely relationship and that's what counts.

also to point out - i am not saying you arent trying hard enough or anything. Nobody knows what happens in individual homes and characters involved...You are all probably lovely and brave people who tried everything they could. Anything we say is moderated by so many factors. But it is possible in the right circumstances and shouldnt be made out to be an impossible thing to do.

My DD is part of me, she's my baby (and despite being a teen now, she will always be my baby). Because I brought her into this world and I raised her from day one. I will always want the absolute best for her. When she's happy, I'm happy; when she hurts, I hurt. I cannot possibly feel that way about any other child. I am just fundamentally not programmed that way - to love any other child as unconditionally and deeply as my own. If that makes me "mean", whatever - I'm mean. But I can't alter my own biologically instinctive, emotional drives, I'm afraid.

@Finelinehere

also to point out - i am not saying you arent trying hard enough or anything. Nobody knows what happens in individual homes and characters involved...You are all probably lovely and brave people who tried everything they could. Anything we say is moderated by so many factors. But it is possible in the right circumstances and shouldnt be made out to be an impossible thing to do.

Nobody is saying it's impossible, they're saying it's rare and that it's okay if you don't love them. Which it is.

@Finelinehere

"you just think SMs are mean if they don't love their SC?"

i said thats how it comes across; not that every single SM who doesnt do so is mean. What i think is of course this is all circumstantial, and that new SMs shouldnt be given advice that they should disengage from their SC, and that SMs loving their SC have a much better time, and successful families. Hence I would encourage new SMs to try. By creating a negative atmosphere on these threads, the new SMs expectations are set low already.

You keep saying this and never respond when I point out that nobody is trying to convince new SMs to disengage. Nobody is trying to sabotage positive step parenting relationships. The ONLY people who are regularly advised to disengage are people already experiencing significant issues.

There is an enormous difference between "encouraging new SMs to try", and telling SMs how absolutely awful they are if they fail, which is how a vast majority of these comments are put. If you count up the amount of comments of that nature, vs the amount from SMs empathising and (sometimes) suggesting disengagement, you will see that it is the former, not the latter, that has an enormous monopoly on "creating a negative atmosphere". On recent threads, you will observe that SMs have been more vocal, but that is to redress the balance, not how it has generally been or how it remains on other areas of the site, or as you so kindly reminded us, in the court of public opinion.

It's funny that you should say the defensiveness from SM is "not helpful". It reminds me of the sort of arguments I saw when I first started engaging with subjects like racism, sexism and homophobia. Lots of comments like "why are you so angry, it's not helpful", and lots of responses of "in all due respect, you have no idea what I have had to deal with up until this point and if you think I am defensive about the odd "harmless" (read, heavily biased based on the absolute surface level of actual knowledge or experience) comment, it's because the amount of time I have spent fending them off has made me tired and I have lost patience". Obviously this is a very different issue, but in terms of the tone most debates take, it is much the same. Step parents are tired of having to constantly respond to the same confrontational, uninformed comments from people whose opinions are clearly preformed. It is VERY irritating to be told you are making an echo chamber and are intolerant of others after FINALLY inching back a tiny bit of space to talk where you aren't treated like a monster, because for many years this place has been an absolute echo chamber of intolerance towards step parents discussing the kind of issues, and even just very basic, logically uncontroversial feelings like the one this thread is about, that they experience.

Also, I don't think my SCs particularly need or want me to love them. They have two parents for that. I'm kind to them, I'm welcoming when they come here to see their dad, I'd never obstruct their relationship with their Dad - that's the sum total of what they need from me. I'm basically surplus to requirements in all other ways, really.

I'm also coming at this from the perspective of having had an intensity over involved SM myself as a teen and I hated it, with a passion. I just wanted her to go away - she acted like my mum and she just wasn't; it wasn't her place at all. I have no relationship with her now as an adult. So you can't always assume SCs want to be "loved" by SMs like you are their own.