I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

@SheBen

What I ‘mean’ is: what would the replies be if a step father came on here saying that he was sick of the kids 12 days out of 14 and expecting sympathy?

Probably very similar. Some people would be yes I understand that it's normal to feel like this. And others would tear shreds out of him and tell him he should have known what he was signing up for.

@SheBen

What I ‘mean’ is: what would the replies be if a step father came on here saying that he was sick of the kids 12 days out of 14 and expecting sympathy?

Very much depends on the context? I don't have a blanket reply to a whinging step parent.

@Finelinehere

What do you mean by support? i was indeed supporting OP by pointing out the fact that societal reaction will not be the same as her on this thread as there is an echo chamber here of a certain group who posts to every thread the same advice of disengaging, and negative comments about how no-one cares about SMs anyway. I simply do not believe this is good advice, and i think i am entitled to this opinion am i not? Further, telling the truth about society is important, because the OP is being misled here thinking that others in the real world will also generally say it is ok not want having SC around.

If the OP says that she does not want SC around for no reason, and that she wants to have children of her own, this contradiction leads to the conclusion that the OP simply does not want her own SC, not children in general. The societal reaction to that will be one of judgement, be it right or wrong.

I am also generally pointing out that this particular group of SM’s approach does not help, because this group are not considering anyone else's views unless it is their view. Happy SMs giving contrary advice are branded as just lucky and dismissed. Others who are not SMs are trolls in their opinion and should not be on this thread. This set of posters are so defensive that they reported a post which had no offensive words, but presented just a different opinion. They will no doubt to the same with this one. Please don’t report it as you will be doing a disservice to the OP.

I literally responded to everything you've said here in my previous reply to you (on your deleted comment) and you didn't say anything? You're being very selective.

I feel the same. even when i was a single parent, i didn't want to date a man with children.

it's one of the big reasons why my ex and I didn't work out, he had three daughters and with his parenting style it was horrible. i realized i'm not the type to be a "stepmother", even though i had a child of my own.

@TrustTheGeneGenie
I think the fact that you'd say whinging step parent rather than a distressed step parent or a step parent who needs advice shows your bias against step parents. I've never referred to struggling mothers of newborns as whinging and never would be so dismissive of someone's distress.

Why do you come to post on a step parents forum if you're so dismissive of their issues? Obviously not to offer support ...

[quote KylieKoKo]@TrustTheGeneGenie
I think the fact that you'd say whinging step parent rather than a distressed step parent or a step parent who needs advice shows your bias against step parents. I've never referred to struggling mothers of newborns as whinging and never would be so dismissive of someone's distress.

Why do you come to post on a step parents forum if you're so dismissive of their issues? Obviously not to offer support ...[/quote]
Have you actually read my posts or just one?

Whinging isn't dismissive, we all do it and that's fine! You're judging me on literally one word.

@SheBen

What I ‘mean’ is: what would the replies be if a step father came on here saying that he was sick of the kids 12 days out of 14 and expecting sympathy?

I honestly think the responses would be extremely harsh. Moreso than with SM.

I can recall a couple of threads where the man was saying similar to the OP... and the majorities of responses are they come as a package.

It's no surprise MN is generally anti men. Even when the wife is cheating posters will blame him...which never happens the other way round.

*I honestly think the responses would be extremely harsh. Moreso than with SM.

I can recall a couple of threads where the man was saying similar to the OP... and the majorities of responses are they come as a package.*

I agree they would most likely still be harsh, but from the same people that have been harsh here. I'm not sure what the point of this "what if it was a man" comment was. If it were a man, the same people that are on here telling them they are heartless and that "they come as a package", and the same people would be on saying these are normal feelings 🤷‍♀️

I feel so sorry for these children who have a stepmom who doesnt want to be around them. They deserve better, and I think their dad shouldn't have married someone who doesnt want to be around his children.

I feel so sorry for these children who have a stepmom who doesnt want to be around them. They deserve better, and I think their dad shouldn't have married someone who doesnt want to be around his children.

She doesn’t stop them from coming and she’s warm and welcoming when they come. So what if she prefers it when they’re at their mum’s? Her feelings affect nobody.

I’m glad my own stepdad didn’t feel like this about me and my siblings!

@BrutusMcDogface

I’m glad my own stepdad didn’t feel like this about me and my siblings!

I mean... You have no idea whether he did or not!

@LalalalalalaLand123

I feel so sorry for these children who have a stepmom who doesnt want to be around them. They deserve better, and I think their dad shouldn't have married someone who doesnt want to be around his children.

Do you also feel so sorry for these children of exasperated and exhausted mums, who come on here to rant or rant to their RL friends, saying the kids are doing their head in and they can't wait for a break?

I do hope you extend your sympathy to all these poor children.

Do you also feel so sorry for these children of exasperated and exhausted mums, who come on here to rant or rant to their RL friends, saying the kids are doing their head in and they can't wait for a break?

I don't know any mum who wants a break (which is fine to want) that would use the phrasing "I don't like when my children are home". That's a pretty hurtful thing to say about anyone.

@LaceyBetty

Do you also feel so sorry for these children of exasperated and exhausted mums, who come on here to rant or rant to their RL friends, saying the kids are doing their head in and they can't wait for a break?

I don't know any mum who wants a break (which is fine to want) that would use the phrasing "I don't like when my children are home". That's a pretty hurtful thing to say about anyone.

I've heard extremely exasperated mums use this exact phrase (or very close), actually.

That did occur to me, @TrustTheGeneGenie! I can safely say there were times when we were teens that he’d have gladly kicked us out! However, he has always told us (and shown us) that he loves us dearly. Plus we were with him full time as our father wasn’t on the scene.

"I've heard extremely exasperated mums use this exact phrase (or very close), actually."

It is not the same even if exactly the same words are used. This can be observed from the various (not all, definitely some loving ones out there who are i hope the silent majority) SMs saying they do not love their SC, and they prefer them to be away and be only with their DH and DC. Instead, a DM saying this sentence usually means "gosh i need a break". A DM not wanting kids around is usually not because she doesnt love them. The opposite is usually the real reason for SMs. The SC are viewed as optional beings, maybe tolerated, at most liked, like a neighbour coming to tea that you cant get rid of.

The rootcause of these discussions always comes back to the same point of a lack of love, with (some) SMs arguing they cant, wont, love a kid, and others expecting this from them. This comes across mean (omg did i use an offensive word, will i be reported again even if others use the same?), especially if they are capable of loving their own DC.

I dont buy the argument that this doesnt effect the SC if the SM doesnt show it. Children can sense and understand they are not welcome, unless the SM is a great actress, which would be exhausting i guess.

@Finelinehere

"I've heard extremely exasperated mums use this exact phrase (or very close), actually."

It is not the same even if exactly the same words are used. This can be observed from the various (not all, definitely some loving ones out there who are i hope the silent majority) SMs saying they do not love their SC, and they prefer them to be away and be only with their DH and DC. Instead, a DM saying this sentence usually means "gosh i need a break". A DM not wanting kids around is usually not because she doesnt love them. The opposite is usually the real reason for SMs. The SC are viewed as optional beings, maybe tolerated, at most liked, like a neighbour coming to tea that you cant get rid of.

The rootcause of these discussions always comes back to the same point of a lack of love, with (some) SMs arguing they cant, wont, love a kid, and others expecting this from them. This comes across mean (omg did i use an offensive word, will i be reported again even if others use the same?), especially if they are capable of loving their own DC.

I dont buy the argument that this doesnt effect the SC if the SM doesnt show it. Children can sense and understand they are not welcome, unless the SM is a great actress, which would be exhausting i guess.

It is not mean to love your own children but not somebody else's for fuck sake.

As for all the optional being shit, you've just totally made that up haven't you? Op hasn't even suggested that is the case.

I honestly don't blame you. I can't really be arsed with other people's kids either. But that's why I never married someone with kids. As long as you dont start demanding his attention and don't make it blatantly obvious that you don't like them then crack on. I couldn't live like that but we're all different.

@Finelinehere

"I've heard extremely exasperated mums use this exact phrase (or very close), actually."

It is not the same even if exactly the same words are used. This can be observed from the various (not all, definitely some loving ones out there who are i hope the silent majority) SMs saying they do not love their SC, and they prefer them to be away and be only with their DH and DC. Instead, a DM saying this sentence usually means "gosh i need a break". A DM not wanting kids around is usually not because she doesnt love them. The opposite is usually the real reason for SMs. The SC are viewed as optional beings, maybe tolerated, at most liked, like a neighbour coming to tea that you cant get rid of.

The rootcause of these discussions always comes back to the same point of a lack of love, with (some) SMs arguing they cant, wont, love a kid, and others expecting this from them. This comes across mean (omg did i use an offensive word, will i be reported again even if others use the same?), especially if they are capable of loving their own DC.

I dont buy the argument that this doesnt effect the SC if the SM doesnt show it. Children can sense and understand they are not welcome, unless the SM is a great actress, which would be exhausting i guess.

So what you're basically, after all that debate yesterday, is that you just think SMs are mean if they don't love their SC? So basically the most simplistic, cliched response going?

I don't systematically defend ex wives not do I systematically accuse SMs, just as I didn't here.

There is some much defensiveness and insulting on this forum. Sadly, I often suspect that the reason many experience conflict is more to do with personalities than being an ex or a SM.

As it is, I am an ex from long ago, and yes, there were teething issues at the start of my ex new relationship but these were iron out quickly and although we've never became friends, there's been mutual respect. I look forward to meeting up with her at my kids' wedding.

It's very sad that SMs can only feel validated and happy if told by those experiencing the same issues that there are doing nothing wrong and everything is anyone else's fault. I feel just the same with single mums. A forum where both interact together would be so much more productive.

"you just think SMs are mean if they don't love their SC?"

i said thats how it comes across; not that every single SM who doesnt do so is mean. What i think is of course this is all circumstantial, and that new SMs shouldnt be given advice that they should disengage from their SC, and that SMs loving their SC have a much better time, and successful families. Hence I would encourage new SMs to try. By creating a negative atmosphere on these threads, the new SMs expectations are set low already.

@dontdisturbmenow

I don't systematically defend ex wives not do I systematically accuse SMs, just as I didn't here.

There is some much defensiveness and insulting on this forum. Sadly, I often suspect that the reason many experience conflict is more to do with personalities than being an ex or a SM.

As it is, I am an ex from long ago, and yes, there were teething issues at the start of my ex new relationship but these were iron out quickly and although we've never became friends, there's been mutual respect. I look forward to meeting up with her at my kids' wedding.

It's very sad that SMs can only feel validated and happy if told by those experiencing the same issues that there are doing nothing wrong and everything is anyone else's fault. I feel just the same with single mums. A forum where both interact together would be so much more productive.

That's not what anybody wants and I am not sure why you're trying to infer that it is? There is no basis for your view.

@Finelinehere

"you just think SMs are mean if they don't love their SC?"

i said thats how it comes across; not that every single SM who doesnt do so is mean. What i think is of course this is all circumstantial, and that new SMs shouldnt be given advice that they should disengage from their SC, and that SMs loving their SC have a much better time, and successful families. Hence I would encourage new SMs to try. By creating a negative atmosphere on these threads, the new SMs expectations are set low already.

Oh bless, as if it's that easy.

I do love dss as it happens, but that unfortunately doesn't mean that it's all gone swimmingly. Far from it.

"I do love dss as it happens, but that unfortunately doesn't mean that it's all gone swimmingly"

Thats great! But of course it wouldnt go swimmingly, with DCs it doesnt, with DHs it doesnt, why should it with SC. My point is they are family, and families try to stick together, so it is a lot easier to ride those issues out if SCs are viewed as family - proper family within the same unit...