Is this place supportive?

[LouJ85]

I've been on a few threads recently where I've been absolutely horrified at the way step mums are spoken to and about. It's made me reluctant to ever post here myself if I was seeking support.

It's not akin to anything I've read on any of the other parenting boards. Stepmums definitely seem to get a much harder time.

As a stepmum, do you feel this is a safe and supportive place to seek advice? How likely would you be to post here if you were struggling?

What do you think could be done to make this a more supportive place?

Good point @DinoHat but probably more accurate for me to have said your response might be different. I think you will naturally take crap from your own children because you love them to your core, but less inclined to from a step kid.

My sons step mum is cool with me (no idea why) but great with my son. He was c12 when she came on the scene 6 years ago and he’d always been mature so none of the regular flashpoints over behaviour or values manifested which probability helped.

Because @LouJ85 your own kid can do it but you still love them to death. You don’t feel on edge around them or countdown till they’re not there because of it. Your own kid will always have that security that a step kid won’t.

I don’t think these differences in reactions to own or step kids are resolvable. So my solution was to avoid being a step mum.

I remember a similar post a while ago,
I think it was really bad before.
Someone always ready to pounce.
I would hope it's got better as many step mums use this site to vent/get advice when they don't know anyone else in the same position.
I only have one friend in real life who is a step mum and she's the only one that I feel really 'gets' it.

@Paintedglass

I agree and it's a good point. They won't have that same security. Which might make it harder for SCs to sense disappointment from an SM (in the way your own child might just take it on the chin and bounce back etc). So from that perspective I can see why expressing it to the SC is trickier ground to navigate.

I suppose though, I'm more wondering why society often deems it unacceptable or taboo to say "my stepkids are doing my head in". Where does that come from, I wonder?

I'm not sure I made my last post clear 🙈

Think what I mean is, I fully understand why you must tread a bit more carefully within the relationship with a SC, as they may struggle to deal with any perceived disapproval from you in a way they wouldn't with their own parent. But I don't understand why venting outside of that relationship (out of ear shot of SC - for example on a forum like this one), is so often ripped to pieces and viewed as "dislike".

@LastRoloIsMine

the anti man posters too

Whats an example of an anti man poster?

Try Dadsnet. Very quiet board generally. But if a man posts something say being critical of the Mother of his child then they come out as a pack. Clearly projecting their dislike of their ex onto the poster. The whole Disney Dad thing aswell. It's so common place on MN boards it's a parody.

I think @LouJ85 its not the bare expression of frustration re step kids, it’s because people naturally think “and so?...”. And so with your own kids, they can piss you off, be jealous, be needy but...nothing. But with step kids it can result in you not wanting there as often/for certain occasions, which deprives them of time with their parent that own kids can take for granted.

I don’t think anyone really begrudges anyone a moan. But it doesn’t always stop at a moan like it does with your own kids.

It's awful here for us. You get a few helpful replies but trying to justify yourself to all the rest us exhausting and depressing. I know a much more supportive forum for SMs where you can be open and honest without getting abuse. If anyone would like it, I can DM them the site.

I posted on here occasionally as a step mum but that relationship has broken down. We did have the same responsibilities as mum and has the child every weekend so yes sometimes felt like a weekend off. Luckily we were all grown up enough to realise we all loved the child and we could mostly get along fine! Some of the crazy things people post on here put me off a lot of the time though!
And I still have a good relationship with my stepchild and the mum!

@Frazzled99

It's awful here for us. You get a few helpful replies but trying to justify yourself to all the rest us exhausting and depressing. I know a much more supportive forum for SMs where you can be open and honest without getting abuse. If anyone would like it, I can DM them the site.

Yes please. I think I'm going to need it after my baby is born in a few months, as I imagine it might stir up some difficult feelings for me.

But if a man posts something say being critical of the Mother of his child then they come out as a pack.

As a pack? Women are not dogs ffs!

Have you thought instead that maybe
the poster is being a dick and many others agree?

The whole Disney Dad thing aswell. It's so common place on MN boards it's a parody.

I thought is was a common term as sooo many fathers are weekend dads all about the fun not the actual parenting they have earned the term.

@Paintedglass

I think *@LouJ85* its not the bare expression of frustration re step kids, it’s because people naturally think “and so?...”. And so with your own kids, they can piss you off, be jealous, be needy but...nothing. But with step kids it can result in you not wanting there as often/for certain occasions, which deprives them of time with their parent that own kids can take for granted.

I don’t think anyone really begrudges anyone a moan. But it doesn’t always stop at a moan like it does with your own kids.

I don't think it always naturally follows though, that "my SCs are doing my head- let me rant!!" equals "I'm going to exclude them". A lot of posters seem to make that assumption, based purely on the rant (from what I've seen anyway).

And, also, there are other ways of dealing with any frustrations with SCs behaviour that don't automatically mean less time with Dad as SM doesn't want to be around them. Eg, my SCs are for the most part, lovely well behaved kids. But it hasn't always been that way, and in the early days their behaviour used to grate on me a lot at times. Our (mine and DP's joint) solution was that he spent more time on his contact weekends doing something with just him and his kids, I spent that quality 1-1 time with my own DD. Their time with Dad was never compromised because of it, we just worked around it. These days because they're older and better behaved, it's less of an issue and we're more blended.

My point being, my struggles with their behaviour didn't compromise anything at all for them. They still got quality time with Dad. But i guarantee of I'd posted about this at the time on here, someone would have immediately made the comment "you clearly hate them", "you're making them feel unwelcome" etc, based on their own assumption of my description of my feelings.

That was a longer post than I intended and due to sleep deprivation I'm not sure how sense it makes🙈

@LouJ85 will do. I joined just before having my babies too and it's really helpful x

Made sense to me @LouJ85! And I. Your solution, everyone wins.

I think the thread(s) we’re alluding to do though indicate an unfavourable outcome for the step kid.

In fact there's a thread running currently on AIBU - a mum asking if she's BU to get away from her kids to a hotel for the night as she's sick of them. Perfectly legitimate feelings, in my view. Perfectly supportive responses too (from what I could see at last check).

I can't wait for hotels (with spas) to open again. I'm going to go away and leave DP with DSD and DD for the weekend.

^and in

@Dugee

Sounds lovely! In my case I'd have to leave DP with 2 x DSCs, my own DD, plus new baby 🙈😂

Might be tempting though ......

I discovered this board after posting on another north-american board which I remember being harsh. I got ripped to pieces here but for some reason I liked it better. There is still good advice, mostly from the same supportive posters.
Having said this, I do feel anxious when I post...

@LastRoloIsMine

But if a man posts something say being critical of the Mother of his child then they come out as a pack.

As a pack? Women are not dogs ffs!

Have you thought instead that maybe
the poster is being a dick and many others agree?

The whole Disney Dad thing aswell. It's so common place on MN boards it's a parody.

I thought is was a common term as sooo many fathers are weekend dads all about the fun not the actual parenting they have earned the term.

Mn has lots of anti-man posts on a regular basis, but that’s not for this thread

I mentioned it as a passing thought that some posters hate their ex so much they’re projecting that, not only to men all being shits, but also their new partners being shits by association.

@LastRoloIsMine

But if a man posts something say being critical of the Mother of his child then they come out as a pack.

As a pack? Women are not dogs ffs!

Have you thought instead that maybe
the poster is being a dick and many others agree?

The whole Disney Dad thing aswell. It's so common place on MN boards it's a parody.

I thought is was a common term as sooo many fathers are weekend dads all about the fun not the actual parenting they have earned the term.

Thanks your lack of balance makes the point for me.

@Frazzled99

It's awful here for us. You get a few helpful replies but trying to justify yourself to all the rest us exhausting and depressing. I know a much more supportive forum for SMs where you can be open and honest without getting abuse. If anyone would like it, I can DM them the site.

Please DM me as well. Thank you!

I mentioned it as a passing thought that some posters hate their ex so much they’re projecting that, not only to men all being shits, but also their new partners being shits by association.

Which may well be a valid point, actually, in terms of explaining why many SMs get a harder time on here. Guilty by association with the awful exH, perhaps?

[quote LouJ85]@Dugee

Sounds lovely! In my case I'd have to leave DP with 2 x DSCs, my own DD, plus new baby 🙈😂

Might be tempting though ...... [/quote]
Can't wait.

I'm sure your DP could cope...

@Anuta77 will do x