Is this place supportive?

[LouJ85]

I've been on a few threads recently where I've been absolutely horrified at the way step mums are spoken to and about. It's made me reluctant to ever post here myself if I was seeking support.

It's not akin to anything I've read on any of the other parenting boards. Stepmums definitely seem to get a much harder time.

As a stepmum, do you feel this is a safe and supportive place to seek advice? How likely would you be to post here if you were struggling?

What do you think could be done to make this a more supportive place?

@Tiredoftattler oh give it a rest will you. No poor behaviour exists in your world other than someone failing to walk away simply shrug off hurtful behaviour. The usual victim blaming.

All well and good on paper but back in the real world people should be allowed to have a vent now and again without being subject to negative comments posted with the sole intention not to help, but to stick the boot in. I'm not talking about contrary points of view, but the usual "you sound resentful" or "were you the OW" shite.

Why are you so intent on pushing your "it's your fault for putting up with it" narrative on so many Step Parenting posts if you really don't care what internet strangers think? Why don't you impart that wisdom over on the Relationships board, after all I'm sure a woman stuck in a shit relationship with barely any good things in it should find it easier to be empowered by your words to walk away rather than step parents here whose relationships with their DH/DP are otherwise pretty good in most other aspects.

I can agree or disagree but will always respect your right to disagree and never view it as an attack
How wonderful to be you. Others who are already in a bad emotional place and reaching out to vent or to hear other opinions only to be met with tirades about how they should leave their husbands because it’s not a real marriage if they don’t see their husbands children as their own or what an awful person they must be for wanting their step kids to stay out of their bedrooms etc are going to feel attacked.
My personal favourite was being told I was awful about my DSD because I referred to my own son as “my toddler” in a post instead of saying “DSDs brother”. Based on that, she’s a poor little girl and I’m pushing her out.
A truly mature person would be able to see this as an unnecessary and unhelpful attack so I would not pat yourself on the back too much.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

In the situation that you describe , the poster''s will discard my point of view and find your pov to be the more helpful. They will discard my input and embrace your input. They can only be empowered through information. They know what life is like in the relationship about which they are complaining. That is the life that they are living.

I think that reminding you that you have the ability to leave is to remind you that you have both choice and control.

They will have heard 2 different perspectives and will make a choice as to which they want to embrace.

Relationships and marriage are not forms of involuntary servitude. Women should always remember that they hold the keys to their own happiness, and when something is not working or making them unhappy and they choose to remain, they are then complicit in creating their own unhappiness.

They only behavior that you can change is your own.

Women should always remember that they hold the keys to their own happiness, and when something is not working or making them unhappy and they choose to remain, they are then complicit in creating their own unhappiness.

@Tiredoftattler You seem to be assuming all posters other than yourself forget that leaving is an option. In clear cut cases such as the thread where the DP kept his child's existence secret it was unanimous that she'd be a fool to stay. But your style of logical black and white thinking dismisses that many people on here (and elsewhere) are posting for help about the e.g. 20% of their relationship they find extremely challenging and what can they do about that, but the other 80% is genuinely amazing. We are talking here about relationships with certain sticking points, in this case often the DP's parenting style or the ex, not abusive relationships where the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

We're not forgetting that we all have the ability to leave. We're advising people who are asking for help to not get to that point.

@MyCatHatesEverybody
Something that is 20% toxic can be just as fatal to your self esteem as something that is 90% toxic.

I don't advocate staying or going. We only get the story from one side.
A poster who says that" I have always been kind and caring" might have a step child or partner who would say that" she is often bitchy and complaining. ". Both might be to some extent right or both could be objectively wrong.

I do advocate staying or leaving, that is for the OP to decide, but in my experience many women are seeking permission to explore or act on all of their options.

I often hear women being advised to stay with him until you save enough money to leave. To me that is the same as saying " use him or prostitute yourself until you can do better. ". That advice is often given. It is not something that I would advocate, but I would not feel compelled to attack those who offered that point of view.

I think the person you should be most afraid of is the person who feel as though they have a right to control the dialogue.

I guess if you only want to hear opinions that are in agreement with yours, it is then best to talk to yourself.

Something that is 20% toxic can be just as fatal to your self esteem as something that is 90% toxic.

Exactly, and when a poster asks for help to identify how toxic that 20% may or may not be, it's not helpful to start asking pointless guff such as "were you the OW?" "Does he pay CMS?" (when it's totally irrelevant to the post in question) etc. It's this kind of shit that makes this place feel unsupportive at times because it's absolutely transparent that those people just want to seize an opportunity to have a go because they very rarely come back with anything constructive. It's like if they can't pick holes in the OP then the thread becomes a "nothing to see here" to them.

This isn't about wanting an echo chamber. It's about wanting a place to post where people with zero experience of being a step parent don't come on just looking for opportunities to have a pop at SMs because it allows them to let off some steam.

@Tiredoftattler just wondering, have you ever actually posted for advice yourself on this step parenting board? If so how did you find it?

@Tiredoftattler,
Everybody knows that they are free to leave, but typically people want to try everything they can before leaving and affecting their children. So that advice is not helpful.
Your "advice" is generally very insensitive. In my last post, you just ridiculised me and told me about what my SD will do in the future, which didn't make any sense as you don't know our life and her personality. Obviously, you did it to make me feel bad. And that's what this thread is about. People deliberately trying to make the poster feel bad.
Something, people don't just want advice, but also UNDERSTANDING.

Fuck me, why get married at all if the solution to any issue is to leave.
A problem shared is a problem solved and all that.

@Tiredoftattler I've noticed this with all forums and particularly on MN that many people have poor reading comprehension.

So a poster on this part of MN will post some issue with their SC - which actually frequently is an issue with their DP and his/her parenting - however posters writing nasty posts tend to ignore the clear points the OP has put in their first post so they can post their vitriol.

This means the isn't a clear alternative view it is just someone who wants to troll the OP and upset them.

I think I can remember a handful of threads on this board where this hasn't happened and I suspect it is because they didn't appear in "active threads" so the trolling posters couldn't pile on. These threads tend to have less than 25 posts on them.

*So a poster on this part of MN will post some issue with their SC - which actually frequently is an issue with their DP and his/her parenting - however posters writing nasty posts tend to ignore the clear points the OP has put in their first post so they can post their vitriol.

This means the isn't a clear alternative view it is just someone who wants to troll the OP and upset them.*

I think there are also a lot of people on here who choose not to see the difference between what they perceive as being a "good dad", and being a good partner. They are only on here because they are interested in the welfare of children and will freely admit they do not care about the dynamics between adults, so they disregard any clearly unreasonable behaviour from the OPs partner and defend him purely because he is a "good dad".

I've seen it on a thread today even, with posters claiming they are totally uninterested in the wellbeing of the OP in her relationship, because there is a child to consider.

The end result is of course that they are being often very excessively brutal to someone that is currently experiencing very painful problems, that they are ignoring because they are uninterested.

I think it can be supportive but only if you filter out all the judgemental and nasty posts. A lot of people seem to go through this board just to insult and belittle stepmums.

I personally would never post an issue here because I know all the horrible responses would upset me so the help I would get in between just wouldn't be worth it.

There are a few posters with reasons best known to themselves who can't wait to leap on step mothers and jump up and down.

It's a shame they can't see themselves the way the rest of us can. Bitter and twisted with no sense of empathy or fairness. They deliberately misinterpret what has been said and flounce around like headless chickens.

It's quite disturbing how unhinged some posters appear to be.

[quote LouJ85]@Youseethethingis

If so sad that it feels like that for people.
It does make me wonder what we've done so wrong as SMs to be on the receiving end of it? We dared to love someone who had been married before? Is that it? 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
I feel like people conflate SMs struggling with the situation with hatred for the children as individuals.

Obviously you can be unhappy or stressed with something yet not dislike the actual children in question.

There are other, more supportive forums for step parents. I know of one in particular that is very supportive.

I spend more time there than here as there's none of the "oh I bet you were the OW" / "you're clearly jealous of the mum/kids" / "you knew what you were getting yourself into" / "you should accept that you are second best" crap thankfully.

I mostly come on here to get material for my stand up routine.

I find it better to post in the other topics, money or relationships than here. This is more like AIBU and can be brutal.

I wouldn't post on here if I wanted actual advice. The default setting of a number of posters appears to be your a stepmom therefore you hate your stepchildren and you are a horrible person.
What really gets to me is the comment you knew he had kids when you married him. This is often posted in response to a child doing something wrong/ inaporopiate and the step parent asking how to adress it. I could never imagine someone saying it about a biological child, well you choose to have a child so any actions of the child are therefore entirely absolved and it's your fault for simply being a mother. Ehh no a toddler/ child/ teen pushing boundries gets an appropiate response to the behaviour weather you the parent or the step parent. Treating kids differently just comes back to bite you in the ass.

No

It's not a safe place for step parenting I find. Any thread I have created, or read has had a number of very nasty responses which have no help other than to basically tell you to butt out and leave all Step children alone. I think it's such a shame as there is good advice between the toxic ones.

If you start a step children thread be prepared to wear a hard hat!