Is this place supportive?

[LouJ85]

I've been on a few threads recently where I've been absolutely horrified at the way step mums are spoken to and about. It's made me reluctant to ever post here myself if I was seeking support.

It's not akin to anything I've read on any of the other parenting boards. Stepmums definitely seem to get a much harder time.

As a stepmum, do you feel this is a safe and supportive place to seek advice? How likely would you be to post here if you were struggling?

What do you think could be done to make this a more supportive place?

Thanks your lack of balance makes the point for me.

Ha ha you are one to talk calling women packs...
Where was your balance? This is a thread about stepmother and you somehow manged to make it about poor farthers .

@Frazzled99 could you send me the link too, thank you 😊

@LastRoloIsMine

Thanks your lack of balance makes the point for me.

Ha ha you are one to talk calling women packs...
Where was your balance? This is a thread about stepmother and you somehow manged to make it about poor farthers .

Well I initially responded to a specific comment you made.

I suppose the point I was making was that Fathers are one of the groups on these boards that will feel unsupported. I made a comment specifically about Dad's posting on Dadsnet as I think there's a parallel with Step Mom's that post on the SM forum and feel unsupported.

I don't think I'd dare start my own thread on here! It it seems like asking for advice is a bad thing to some people and the step parents own feelings are totally disregarded by some.

I think one of the problems is that SM are treated on here as one homogenous group. So say one SM does indeed post something iffy and they clearly don’t like their DSC just by virtue of them being DSC, then the anti SM posters will use it as their “gotcha! SMs are awful” moment to tar absolutely everyone else with the same brush forevermore even when fellow SM have called them out as well. Then if a SM does post a situation where they’re undeniably a nice person, the attitude is “oh it’s so refreshing to see” like it’s an anomaly, which simply perpetuates the evil SM myth further. Most of us are just nice regular people who happen to struggle a bit with a challenging situation.

I think as well the lack of understanding projected by some of the non SM on this board is extremely unhelpful. What particularly gets my goat are phrases such as “but it’s only 2 days a fortnight” when anyone who’s lived it knows that a) its very rarely literally just 2 days a fortnight (they always seem to ignore nights in the week for instance, and that the “weekend” will actually be Fri, Sat & Sun) and b) The impact of having DSC in your life is far-reaching and goes way beyond the actual contact days, especially if you’re dealing with either a high conflict ex or a Disney dad (or both).

Any days without the DSC we were catching up on their laundry, getting the groceries in, doing jobs round the house that DH didn’t want to do when they were around etc. If we wanted a meal out just 2 of us we’d have to go in the early part of the week when there’s much less atmosphere which sounds so trivial but anyone who “gets it” will know it’s just another tiny cut in death by 1000 cuts worth of compromises. We couldn’t ever have e.g a city break because weekends were with the DSC and DH’s annual leave was all taken up by him having the DSC during school holidays. All stuff I couldn’t have predicted and even if I had, I’d have dismissed it as a load of trivialities tbh, which looked at individually, they are. It’s only when you live it and experience the cumulative effect, that you have any idea what it feels like. Throw in some stroppy behaviour from your DSC and the whole thing becomes a nightmare.

You've seen the abuse I've got on my threads and you've always stood up for me @LouJ85 and I am grateful. Please do feel free to reach out to me once your lovely little one is born.

@Frazzled99 I'd be interested in that group too please but I can't seem to DM on here?

@harryclr do you have 3 little dots in the bottom right of each post? If so click into it on any of frazzled’s posts and the PM option should be available.

It’s only when you live it and experience the cumulative effect, that you have any idea what it feels like
You’ve just articulated what I’ve been trying to say on the Mother’s Day thread very concisely.
The cumulative effect. Exactly.
So when an SM posts about one particular “triviality” she’s the worst person in the world, but it’s just one of many.
It’s the glass beside the dishwasher.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]**@harryclr* do you have 3 little dots in the bottom right of each post? If so click into it on any of frazzled’s* posts and the PM option should be available.[/quote]
No I don't have those, I think maybe you have to be a premium member or something

I think it's sad reading this thread that so many step mums don't feel like they can post on a board aimed at them.
Especially as in real life many don't have someone in the same position that understands.

@Youseethethingis

I think it’s that step parenting is always the result of something going wrong. Relationship broke down, or never happened, someone died. Add to it the ancient parts of the brain that light up as everyone tries to protect “their own”, clashes of expectations, failures of communication etc and Walt Disney’s tuppence worth and here we all are.

I agree with this. There is something about criticism of a child by someone who isn’t their biological parent that is massively triggering for many parents, even if they know there is some (or a lot!) of truth in what is being said.

I suspect some of these parents may also react aggressively towards teachers who give them any feedback about negative behaviours, so they are not going to think twice about getting stuck in with a step mother, given the additional issues at play in many cases.

I’m conscious of generalising but just trying to get a handle on what may drive a large number of people to behave the way they do.

@Pippa234

I think it's sad reading this thread that so many step mums don't feel like they can post on a board aimed at them. Especially as in real life many don't have someone in the same position that understands.

Quite. I’ve just invited MNHQ to have a look and and share their views on this thread...

I have an ongoing issue with my (now adult but I've been their SM since they were wee) DSC which I've posted about (under other names) a few times. Never on this board though, which speaks volumes, and I've been known to refer to DSC as 'a relative' in order to get unbiased opinions on their behaviour, which also speaks volumes.

@Paintedglass

Good point@DinoHatbut probably more accurate for me to have said your response might be different. I think you will naturally take crap from your own children because you love them to your core, but less inclined to from a step kid.

I agree with this.

Because@LouJ85your own kid can do it but you still love them to death. You don’t feel on edge around them or countdown till they’re not there because of it. Your own kid will always have that security that a step kid won’t

Great point and well articulated.

One of my observations is that a lot of what is posted on this forum, is a relationship issue/DP issue and the way some of it is presented by the OP seems to blame the DC and this illicits comments that are taken negatively and no doubt it makes them feel unsupported.

I think society are naturally defensive of children, where an adult exhibits or harbours negative behaviour or feelings towards them as children are seen as innocent and there's a power imbalance.

More often than not it's a lazy partner who absolves his caretaking of his child...or is not an effective parent or has an Ex that he allows to run his life which causes the issues.

I've seen some threads where the OP has received so much support and empathy as the situation was so clear, but in some cases opinion is divided and (not just on the SM board ) some people have a very nasty and cutting way of writing...in a way I'm sure they'd never speak to anyone IRL.

If a difference in opinion or alternative perspective was done in a more helpful manner, without attacking, I think it would be received differently...as opposed to responses that say "You sound horrible" or "Do everyone a favour and leave" which I find is so immature.

I think it's sad reading this thread that so many step mums don't feel like they can post on a board aimed at them.sad
Especially as in real life many don't have someone in the same position that understands.

I find the real life support very very precious. There are some amazing posters on here, but my best friend was my absolute rock in my later days as a stepparent. I could rant to her until I was blue in the face and she wouldn’t bang on about the “poor ex wife and poor dsc” when I was visibly upset myself. She had no sympathy for them when she knew what me and my children were going through. She was very frustrated watching my life on the outskirts and just wanted to butt in and tell everyone to fuck off She didn’t though. But she was amazing, and eventually she gave me the final kick up the bun to get my ex out and then that was that.
I was sick of being told I was horrible when I was going through some awful stuff. I needed someone to listen to me and help me get through. She was that person and she kept me going! Real life support is what a lot of people need.

It's funny, I don't think this site can be considered supportive at all, but actually compared to a majority of comments on mainstream media I see (comments on facebook articles etc) it has at least SOME balance.

On there, it's just pages and pages and pages of "they come as a package", "any decent woman would love her DSC like her own, can't abide these selfish monsters who don't", "if my partner ever behaved in this (quite reasonable way) I would show him the door", all usually followed by "he doesn't deserve you and your little boy" etc etc.

We all know what I'm talking about it's basically all like what the worst, most simplistic comments on here are like. It really depresses me seeing what the general public consensus on the topic seems to be. It's particularly sad given that as somebody else said, a lot of SP don't have anyone IRL they can talk to about it, and they know they can't seek help online either. So many SP out there living with what are actually quite natural human feelings, slowly internalizing the view that it makes them a monster, or at least knowing that everyone else would treat them that way. It is truly the most isolating thing I have ever experienced.

Meanwhile, so many parents are being empowered to carry wildly entitled and unreasonable expectations of their partners, and to treat them like dirt of they don't live up to them. I'd never think I would be a person who carries animosity towards single parents, I certainly don't when it comes to respect for the position they are in and how the overcome it etc. But as a whole, I really feel this subgroup needs a huge reality check on how they should treat their partners.

The whole attitude about it amongst the general public is just so incredibly one sided and warped.

@MyCatHatesEverybody refusing to do some chores like laundry just because the children are there isn't healthy for the children. They need to see how different households function and how different people do common chores.

I should add though as well as having and knowing step-parents I know people who are now former foster parents.

[quote RedMarauder]@MyCatHatesEverybody refusing to do some chores like laundry just because the children are there isn't healthy for the children. They need to see how different households function and how different people do common chores.

I should add though as well as having and knowing step-parents I know people who are now former foster parents.[/quote]
This I agree with, I do regular housework while I have my kids, I think it’s good for them to see both parents doing all jobs. However, bigger things I would leave. For example decorating. My time with my kids is limited enough and I do t want to spend it doing something that I can do when they’re not there, I want to spend it with them

@RedMarauder we did do the laundry when DSC were with us but with there being four of them we couldn't wash 4 sets of school uniform each week plus the clothes they wore at ours without it eating into non contact time as well.

The Disney bit was stuff like not making them clear up after themselves (and my god the house was a total bombsite by the time the weekend was over!) or making them come along to the supermarket when they were too young to be left at home, that kind of thing.

And yeah I totally agree it's not healthy for the children but post your frustration about it on here and you get ripped apart for it being "none of your business!"

I thought the Mumsnet motto is supposed to be something like - a site by parents, for parents. In my mind that includes step parents. A sizeable amount of posters don't agree that that motto should include step mothers. Whilst I get that to a certain degree ( in that a child has two parents who are ultimately responsible for that child's care ), any child that has parents who split (about 1/4 of children I believe) is likely to be in a situation where they have step parents. And it is in those children's interests to have a healthy relationship with the step parents, as like it or not, those step parents are going to be involved with those children's upbringing, even if they aren't responsible for those children.

I think some posters think that if a relationship breaks down and there are children involved, then the male in that relationship should never ever move on and have another relationship. That's the crux of it.

I think some people treat this more like AIBU than the Realtionships board where people are often more gentle.

Maybe the problem is the inability to accept differing opinions, beliefs, and points of view .
If you cannot accept a divergent point of view from faceless and nameless strangers on an open forum, it may also be indicative of how you respond to different perspectives from your family and friends. If you become unnecessarily defensive to the words of strangers who have no capacity to impact your situation , think how defensive you may become when there is really something in play.

If you cannot read and move on , it may be that you lack flexibility or the ability to accept objective views that are not the same as yours. Your posting may be more a cry to "agree with me, and echo my thoughts" rather than a "what do you think or help me to objectively view my situation? "

No one on a forum knows you, so what negative comments that they make are responses to your representation of your situation. They do not know you,and are not responding to you personally in either a positive or negative way. They are responding only to the situation in the way that you chose to present it.

It is truly sad to give the opinion of strangers so much weight that you feel anger and animosity towards them. It is so.much healthier to read and discard.

There is no universal SM point of view. I think that people respond based upon the narrative that you present and their own life experiences.

@Tiredoftattler

Maybe the problem is the inability to accept differing opinions, beliefs, and points of view . If you cannot accept a divergent point of view from faceless and nameless strangers on an open forum, it may also be indicative of how you respond to different perspectives from your family and friends. If you become unnecessarily defensive to the words of strangers who have no capacity to impact your situation , think how defensive you may become when there is really something in play.

If you cannot read and move on , it may be that you lack flexibility or the ability to accept objective views that are not the same as yours. Your posting may be more a cry to "agree with me, and echo my thoughts" rather than a "what do you think or help me to objectively view my situation? "

No one on a forum knows you, so what negative comments that they make are responses to your representation of your situation. They do not know you,and are not responding to you personally in either a positive or negative way. They are responding only to the situation in the way that you chose to present it.

It is truly sad to give the opinion of strangers so much weight that you feel anger and animosity towards them. It is so.much healthier to read and discard.

There is no universal SM point of view. I think that people respond based upon the narrative that you present and their own life experiences.

Same response as ever, then.

@aSofaNearYou
That is my objective point of view about every posting. It is my opinion on the subject as presented. I always assume that most people present their situation in the light most favorable to them.

My opinion may or may not be in agreement with the poster, but as I do not know them personally or even remotely, the response is never meant as an attack. Just as your responding to me is a representation to my posting but is not a personal attack.

I can agree or disagree but will always respect your right to disagree and never view it as an attack.

Perhaps, there would be fewer differences in households if all members in the house acknowledged each others right to have a different opinion.

How many times do we read " he or she did not have my back or support me? I have never seen a responder as" should he or she support you or have your back when they are not in agreement with you and may even think that you are in the wrong?"

There is no status or group requirement to quietly agree with any particular point of view.

Maturity requires the ability to hear that with you do not always agree.