Is this place supportive?

[LouJ85]

I've been on a few threads recently where I've been absolutely horrified at the way step mums are spoken to and about. It's made me reluctant to ever post here myself if I was seeking support.

It's not akin to anything I've read on any of the other parenting boards. Stepmums definitely seem to get a much harder time.

As a stepmum, do you feel this is a safe and supportive place to seek advice? How likely would you be to post here if you were struggling?

What do you think could be done to make this a more supportive place?

Yes Lou you were lovely on my thread. Thank you

There’s some good advice dotted between some absolute nasty drivel!

If I ranted about my own child being a spoilt brat then that's acceptable, but if I had the same issue with SC then it's like I have no right to feel that way. Or at least that's how I've been made to feel here in the past

This is exactly the problematic mindset I was referring to in a previous post. It’s awful.

Yes we’re SMs but we’re only human and seems like we’re told to shut up or leave whenever a problem is encountered. No one would say that to anyone in any other circumstance... advice and words of support would usually be given. But if you’re a SM you’re often seen as the enemy and unworthy of any support

That said.... I would never post on here looking for support!

I think some of it stems from posters really hating their ex, and so projecting that into both “all men must be awful” and “step mums side with the awful ex, who by the way is a man so awful”

I’m not a step mum. I’m a divorced dad but see anti SM posts also tend to come from the anti man posters too.

I'm a longstanding SM and wouldn't post here. As well as the practical problems being part of a step family presents, a lot of SMs struggle hugely with their feelings (regardless of the specifics of their situation) and come here for help with making sense of things, and they get ripped to shreds. My early days of being a SM were really quite upsetting - I was in my thirties, and considered myself a kind, open, level headed sort of person, had always liked children, good at seeing things from other peoples viewpoints etc etc. Despite my age, I was incredibly naive about both the practicalities/restrictions of having a young child in my home on a specific contact schedule that Could Not Be Changed, and the myriad problems a difficult ex could cause as I'd simply never seen it in action in my friend group. All of a sudden I was faced with set of big and not very nice emotions I wasn't expecting, and it really changed how I saw myself as in all honesty I didn't cope very well with it all. If I'd posted here and got some of the typical responses you see, it would have been even more upsetting at what was a really hard time, when I really needed advice and support from others who'd been through a similar thing.

Mothers who struggle to bond with their natural or adopted children get all sorts of sympathy and support on MN. Women who struggle to bond with their stepchildren or to adapt to their new situation get vilified. I actually used a different forum childlessstepmums, which can be a bit too far the other way but I did find a much better place to get practical advice and shared experience.

the anti man posters too

Whats an example of an anti man poster?

If I ranted about my own child being a spoilt brat then that's acceptable, but if I had the same issue with SC then it's like I have no right to feel that way. Or at least that's how I've been made to feel here in the past.

This is so true. In fact there's a thread running currently on AIBU - a mum asking if she's BU to get away from her kids to a hotel for the night as she's sick of them. Perfectly legitimate feelings, in my view. Perfectly supportive responses too (from what I could see at last check).

On here, if you posted that about a stepchild... can you only imagine?!

Mothers who struggle to bond with their natural or adopted children get all sorts of sympathy and support on MN. Women who struggle to bond with their stepchildren or to adapt to their new situation get vilified.

This is the part that really gets to me. And I just don't understand.

@SpongebobNoPants

Yes Lou you were lovely on my thread. Thank you

I’d never post on here if I were after support with a SP issue. Some of the responses I’ve seen in the last couple of months on some of these threads were vile. Why do people even bother posting if they’re not going to give anything constructive?
There are other forums that I’d feel much more comfortable asking for support/guidance, forums where people can disagree without resulting to name calling.

@SpongebobNoPants

Yes to all the previous posts! Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad when I read some of the responses on posts. “My SD is depressed and I’m so worried about her. How can I help her?” ”You can help her by leaving her father. You clearly hate her, poor child. She didn’t ask for her parents to split up and you resent her presence”

😂😂😂😂😂

😂😂

Exactly.. I love to pack my kids off to their grandparents for a well earned break every now and again and most people would say it's perfectly reasonable.. but if I asked for 1 weekend without the SC I'm a monster!
To be honest I think a lot of advice I've had on here is often extreme. If I rant about my husband I'm told to LTB. That one time he done something inconsiderate means I must leave him as he doesn't respect me at all.
I think you just need a thick skin, I certainly wouldn't use this site if I had low self esteem.

I don't know how to post a link to a thread. But if anyone who doubts what I'm saying is interested in the stark contrast in terms of support offered to parents versus step parents on here - please do read the AIBU thread currently running about the mum at the end of her tether and needing a break. She's mostly being met with empathy and supportive suggestions (and I thought Aibu had a reputation for being brutal!! Seems it's got nothing on the stepparenting board 😂)

If I rant about my husband I'm told to LTB.

Oh yes. I've seen the LTB phenomenon. 😂

I'm a step mother, was a step child and know plenty of other step-mothers and step-fathers in rl.

The batshit that some posters write is truly amazing in how horrible it is. It is clearly written to upset the starter of the thread as the majority of the time it has no legal and no ethical basis

I actually on came on here because I had my own child but there are posts on this forum that show me some ex partners that I've come across in rl are horrible vengeful and controlling people.

I've actually told people I know in rl not to post on some parts of MN including this part, or not to post on MN at all as they will end up feeling far worse.

*In fact there's a thread running currently on AIBU - a mum asking if she's BU to get away from her kids to a hotel for the night as she's sick of them. Perfectly legitimate feelings, in my view. Perfectly supportive responses too (from what I could see at last check).

On here, if you posted that about a stepchild... can you only imagine?!*

It’s different though isn’t it? A mum wanting to run away from her own kids is wanting to escape the drudge of responsibility for a while. A step mum doesn’t have the same responsibility so likely wants to escape because she’s doesn’t like the step kid(s) too much.

@Crystalclair

Sorry, but there are many SM on here (myself included) who may have differing views to you on here. So it's unfair to suggest its anti SM etc.

I don't think I've suggested it's "anti SM". I've made a comparison between (generally speaking) the level of empathy and support that I've seen offered on the parenting board, versus here. That's my valid experience, so I've commented on it, and how it's left me feeling. And opened up a post for discussion about how others feel, too.

I'm not referring to different opinions - they're never a problem when they're expressed with some degree of empathy and respect.

@Paintedglass

*In fact there's a thread running currently on AIBU - a mum asking if she's BU to get away from her kids to a hotel for the night as she's sick of them. Perfectly legitimate feelings, in my view. Perfectly supportive responses too (from what I could see at last check).

On here, if you posted that about a stepchild... can you only imagine?!*

It’s different though isn’t it? A mum wanting to run away from her own kids is wanting to escape the drudge of responsibility for a while. A step mum doesn’t have the same responsibility so likely wants to escape because she’s doesn’t like the step kid(s) too much.

She likely wants to escape because she doesn't like them?

Or perhaps because she's exasperated and struggling with the role, albeit it's a different role to the parenting one?

Why is the latter not valid for SMs?

I wonder why there's always an insistence on attaching a value judgment of "like" versus "don't like", when it comes to stepmums.

I've seen that often - "you clearly don't like them".

It's never said on the parenting board. Never. "You clearly don't like your kids, OP". I've never seen it.

Why? Why do SMs have this black and white "like versus dislike" dichotomy throw at them, as opposed to a more open minded, balanced consideration of the nuances and challenges that might exist for them? Which exist in parenting roles too, and which are far more widely accepted when expressed by a parent?

You’re comparing apples with oranges OP. It is valid for a step mum to be struggling with her role but it will be for different reasons to a mum struggling with her own kids.

And people don’t tend to suggest that parents don’t like their own kids because it’s highly unlikely they do dislike them. But more common for a step parent to dislike them as the bond isn’t (and shouldn’t be) the same.

When I started dating after divorce one of my hard limits was that a man didn’t have kids under 16. Easy in my age group. I met a man with none and it’s perfect. My son has a step mum and a step dad. My ex is a stepdad. There have been wrinkles but it’s managed fine as no one has over stepped the Mark of attempted to exclude.

You make a good point Lou.

It really stood out to me when I had my own DS, I can be tired, I can complain he’s been a nightmare all day, I can say I want to put him in the bin. Other Mums chip in, nod and agree. Yet even recently when discussing my DSS’ challenging behaviour - a friend said - do you think it’s hormones? I was dismissed, my feelings invalidated and it really stood out to me because if I had that convo about my DS she would have empathised. I came away really disappointed and feeling awful.

You’re comparing apples with oranges OP. It is valid for a step mum to be struggling with her role but it will be for different reasons to a mum struggling with her own kids.

Sometimes my DS pisses me off because he’s in a foul mood.

Sometimes my DSS pisses me off because he’s in a foul mood.

No difference really - if they behave were good to go. I’m not sure if they’re both apples or both oranges though.

I think the natural SM assumption on MN is that they are overstepping and want to take mums place. I think some step mothers can't win.. You're either over stepping or not interested.. Me personally. I have no experience of being a step mother or exposure to step mothers in my life.. Im a single parent and I do worry about the possibility of a step mum ever entering my DDs life.. If that ever happened, as long as their intentions wasn't to replace me then I would respect that they were in her life. There are some wonderful step mothers out on MN.. When I read threads about step mothers who have bought up DC as their own because the mother hasn't been in their lives for whatever reason it makes my heart feel warm.

*Sometimes my DS pisses me off because he’s in a foul mood.

Sometimes my DSS pisses me off because he’s in a foul mood.*

Exactly this. Same for me. Sometimes my own DD's attitude does my head in; sometimes one of the SC's attitude does my head in. I can express the former without fear of vilification or "you clearly hate your DD". But it's somehow socially unacceptable to express the latter.