Is this place supportive?

[LouJ85]

I've been on a few threads recently where I've been absolutely horrified at the way step mums are spoken to and about. It's made me reluctant to ever post here myself if I was seeking support.

It's not akin to anything I've read on any of the other parenting boards. Stepmums definitely seem to get a much harder time.

As a stepmum, do you feel this is a safe and supportive place to seek advice? How likely would you be to post here if you were struggling?

What do you think could be done to make this a more supportive place?

Well you’ve seen me get torn to shreds on her many a time 😂

You’ll get the odd poster who posts unhelpful comments but actually I’ve found recently it’s got a bit more supportive thanks to some lovely regular posters including you Lou, Magda, Funinthesun and a few others.

I don’t mind people with a different opinion, in fact they can be really helpful and show a different point of view I sometimes hadn’t considered.
But some people lurk this board just to post unkind comments with no constructive criticism. It’s bullying at times.

In my opinion people seem to like to pick fault with SMs on here. Whatever you post people seem to find a way to make your fault.
That said, I have received good advice and opinions on things I've posted, you just have to weed out the nonsense.
You can't vent though, about struggling or finding things difficult because if you do you're just plain evil!!
So no, i don't think it is at all supportive or safe.

Hell no. The default assumption on here seems to be as a step parent you hate the DC. There is no way I'd be brave enough to post if I was struggling.

I am a SM and have seen a range of posts and responses.
Some SM clearly do resent the children especially if they have a new baby and its their first but obviously not DPs. Some SM just hate the ex simply because she's the ex.

However there are many posts from lovely SM who are just struggling with the family dynamic and need support as SM sometimes get the shitty end of the stick with zero nice parenting moments. Example must babysit must feed must clean but not allowed to the school play kind of thing.

@Champagneandmonstermunch

No I wouldn't post either. It makes me sad that some of us feel that way, as I personally don't have any family or friends who are SMs so it's hard to know where to turn for support if I needed it.

@rainbowrainfall

Does it put you off posting altogether? Or would you still post if you needed support?

It got a lot better after @mnhq was petitioned to help clean up the board. But that lasted a few weeks and the pile-ons in the last few days have been incredibly vitriolic. It’s back to being a playground for non SMs, which is really sad.

I found mumsnet years ago before I even met DSD as I was trying to get my head around her mother’s behaviour and understand what I was getting into a bit better. No way would I have posted on here for advice myself. I was having a hard enough time without inviting a firing squad to peer into my life.
There seems to still be posters with a certain mindset that all SMs are just like the 2 dimensional wicked stepmothers in the fairy tales and they simply won’t think about real life step mums as being 3 dimensional people with 3 dimensional problems. Or can’t. Same effect.

@MeridianB

It got a lot better after *@mnhq* was petitioned to help clean up the board. But that lasted a few weeks and the pile-ons in the last few days have been incredibly vitriolic. It’s back to being a playground for non SMs, which is really sad.

How did they do that? Not sure what a "clean up" would look like 😂

@Youseethethingis

If so sad that it feels like that for people.
It does make me wonder what we've done so wrong as SMs to be on the receiving end of it? We dared to love someone who had been married before? Is that it? 🤷‍♀️

I think this place is a lot more supportive than it used to be. If you think this board is scary now, you should have seen it 5 or 6 years ago. There wasn’t anyone like you, sofa or sponge amongst the other strong helpful posters.

I think it’s that step parenting is always the result of something going wrong. Relationship broke down, or never happened, someone died.
Add to it the ancient parts of the brain that light up as everyone tries to protect “their own”, clashes of expectations, failures of communication etc and Walt Disney’s tuppence worth and here we all are.

A few sensible, regular posters (led by @trustthegenegenie I think) contacted MNHQ to explain we were all getting exasperated and considering walking away.

They came onto the board with reassurance that we were valued contributors and they would sharpen up on being both proactive and reactive to abusive, trouble-making posters.

But sadly it’s now slipped back into madness.

I recommend reporting every nasty post every time, rather than responding or engaging. If the trolls have no voice on this board then hopefully they will slither off somewhere else.

I remember first finding Mumsnet when I met my partner. He was/is widower. See even now I have to put was/is in as people will always say he is a widower because we aren’t married and that will not even have been the problem. So no I haven’t personally found it particularly helpful and at first made to feel as if I should always accept second place. Even now when things have moved on, I still have to remind myself I don’t need to always defer to what his late wife would have done. I’m good enough .............almost 😀

I recommend reporting every nasty post every time, rather than responding or engaging. If the trolls have no voice on this board then hopefully they will slither off somewhere else.

Sounds sensible.

Also, if five or six people report a post instead of one, then MNHQ will hopefully take the issues here more seriously.

There are some great, supportive, experienced SMs posting on here. However, there also seems to a bitter group of ex partners / wives, who haven't moved on with their lives, hanging around the step parenting board waiting to project all their anger on to a random woman on the internet who has dared to fall in love with a man who has kids.

@funinthesun19

I think this place is a lot more supportive than it used to be. If you think this board is scary now, you should have seen it 5 or 6 years ago. There wasn’t anyone like you, sofa or sponge amongst the other strong helpful posters.

I'm glad I wasn't here back then, in that case! Sounds dreadful.

Sorry, but there are many SM on here (myself included) who may have differing views to you on here. So it's unfair to suggest its anti SM etc.

I’ve been on here for about 6 years. It really was a true vipers nest.

Yes to all the previous posts!
Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad when I read some of the responses on posts.
“My SD is depressed and I’m so worried about her. How can I help her?”
”You can help her by leaving her father. You clearly hate her, poor child. She didn’t ask for her parents to split up and you resent her presence”

😂😂😂😂😂

@Crystalclair
Differing options is fine. I had a bunfight with Lou and Sofa only last week. Difference is we did it respectfully and without getting personal.

This afternoon I read sponge's thread, Lou you were lovely, but some of the posters were awful.

@Crystalclair differing opinions are always welcome. It’s when some posters consistently jump to (often incorrect) conclusions or just berate the OP over something irrelevant. It’s awful.

Criticism should be constructive, not just downright nasty as it often ends up on here.

@LouJ85 I do post, I posted yesterday about the ex and got abit of a bashing and oeople manage to jump to some bonkers conclusions about the tiniest things but it doesn't really bother me. I would only post quite general things though. I wouldn't get into my personal feelings about stuff. I have previously but wouldn't again. There are times I struggle with things with my SC and would like a place to vent but I'd never come here and do that. I love my SC but it's much harder to deal with their attitudes and behaviours than it is my own children's. If I ranted about my own child being a spoilt brat then that's acceptable, but if I had the same issue with SC then it's like I have no right to feel that way. Or at least that's how I've been made to feel here in the past.