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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Any tips in what to do...

41 replies

rara1346 · 28/02/2021 21:12

Hi Everyone,

I am a 23f who have been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year and things have been mostly great to say the least!

I'm on here because this is very new territory for me, and I'm unsure how to approach it and just need other people to talk to about this because frankly it scares me slightly!

Long story short I found out my partner, who lives by himself, has an almost 18 month old son who he regularly sees and facetimes (taking into account COVID and all). Now I only found out by chance as he had been hiding this huge detail from me for 6-7 months of us being together, lying saying that he didn't have children and avoided any children talk. I don't have any myself, and didn't plan to have children until my late 20s early 30s for my own reasons. However with this news it was a big shock due to him lying but we've worked through it (I'm still coming to terms with it fully).

So now with everything he's talking about his son and shows me pictures and videos which I love because he's really cute. However due to COVID 3.0 I've not had the chance to meet him yet... I've spoken to my partner and he seems excited for me to meet his son, but I'm feeling really nervous about meeting him and having to meet his ex. When I first found out about his son my partner has asked his ex if I could meet him and she said no. I didn't think much of it, after all I'm only a gf. I've found Christmas cards and presents and his family still asks how she is when they are in the phone to him (never once does he mention me) and feels like I'm kept in the dark... so not really sure what I'm meant to do.

However back to the post, I'm wondering if there are other people out there who have tips in dealing with being a stepparent (even though I don't like being called that because I don't ever want to replace any parent). I don't want to mess this child up, I've seen my fair share from my own upbringing and I worry about children as they are so fragile to the harsh world. I probably sound crazy but I just need this out of my system... So again, any tips or help with being part of a 18 months old life? (As I'm planing on staying with my partner and things are getting more serious)

OP posts:
rainbowrainfall · 28/02/2021 21:20

He's lied to you about his child for months, didn't just not tell you, he actually lied. And he keeps you separate from his family. Do they know about you at all? You're looking too far ahead and missing the red flags that are right in front of you now.
You can't even consider a relationship with his child if he doesn't want you to be part of his family.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2021 21:24

If you stay with this man after telling you such a MASSIVE lie, you are fucking crazy. Please don't be so foolish.

UhtredRagnarson · 28/02/2021 21:31

Well for starters you’re getting waaay ahead of yourself. You haven’t even met this child so looking for tips on how to step parent him isn’t even a consideration.

But aside from all that- your partner lied about the most important aspect of his life and something that will affect any partner he has. I could never forgive that. I don’t know why you would want to. There are men who don’t lie. You are worth one of those men.

Original poster
rara1346 · 28/02/2021 21:32

@rainbowrainfall

He's lied to you about his child for months, didn't just not tell you, he actually lied. And he keeps you separate from his family. Do they know about you at all? You're looking too far ahead and missing the red flags that are right in front of you now. You can't even consider a relationship with his child if he doesn't want you to be part of his family.
That's the thing, I took a break from our relationship when I first found out, but after thinking I decided to stay with him because I love him. He's been very very apologetic about what he did, and understands the implications but we are working through it.

He wants me to be a part of his family, but with COVID we've not been able to meet because they live many miles away from where we are. But I understand where some are coming from but the post is only a snippet of a relationship. I just don't know how to approach it all!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2021 21:34

He is going to keep lying to you, over and over and over again. He is completely untrustworthy and you've fallen for his bullshit, pretty words. Forewarned is fair warned.

Iwonder08 · 28/02/2021 21:36

OP, do reconsider. He started relationship with you, a very young girl, when his baby was only 6 month old.. When did he leave his son's mum? Would a decent man leave his partner with a tiny baby or even worse pregnant? And then he lied to you for most of the duration of your relationship.. You should aim higher than this man.

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 21:37

Dump and don’t look back. That’s a huge deceit.

EnoughnowIthink · 28/02/2021 21:39

You need to raise your relationship bar. What kind of parent denies they are a parent?

I would hazard a guess he is perhaps not as separated as you think.

sausagesandbeanz · 28/02/2021 21:40

If he can lie to you about something as important as this, what else could he lie about?

Seriously think about this, I'm a 'step parent' and I'm telling you, it's not easy and I haven't even got it that hard as some other step mums have.

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 21:40

@rara1346

Hi Everyone,

I am a 23f who have been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year and things have been mostly great to say the least!

I'm on here because this is very new territory for me, and I'm unsure how to approach it and just need other people to talk to about this because frankly it scares me slightly!

Long story short I found out my partner, who lives by himself, has an almost 18 month old son who he regularly sees and facetimes (taking into account COVID and all). Now I only found out by chance as he had been hiding this huge detail from me for 6-7 months of us being together, lying saying that he didn't have children and avoided any children talk. I don't have any myself, and didn't plan to have children until my late 20s early 30s for my own reasons. However with this news it was a big shock due to him lying but we've worked through it (I'm still coming to terms with it fully).

So now with everything he's talking about his son and shows me pictures and videos which I love because he's really cute. However due to COVID 3.0 I've not had the chance to meet him yet... I've spoken to my partner and he seems excited for me to meet his son, but I'm feeling really nervous about meeting him and having to meet his ex. When I first found out about his son my partner has asked his ex if I could meet him and she said no. I didn't think much of it, after all I'm only a gf. I've found Christmas cards and presents and his family still asks how she is when they are in the phone to him (never once does he mention me) and feels like I'm kept in the dark... so not really sure what I'm meant to do.

However back to the post, I'm wondering if there are other people out there who have tips in dealing with being a stepparent (even though I don't like being called that because I don't ever want to replace any parent). I don't want to mess this child up, I've seen my fair share from my own upbringing and I worry about children as they are so fragile to the harsh world. I probably sound crazy but I just need this out of my system... So again, any tips or help with being part of a 18 months old life? (As I'm planing on staying with my partner and things are getting more serious)

You are completely & utterly stark raving bonkers to entertain this at all.

All you’re doing is confirming to him that you’re a doormat, that you will reward dishonesty with compliance and bend to his will.

Mad. Stupid. 🤯

justilou1 · 28/02/2021 21:42

Holy hell girlfriend, he’s feeding you lies and you’re eating them up with a spoon. Any time you have to say “This man’s really great except.....” RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.

excelledyourself · 28/02/2021 21:43

You're 23! You don't need this crap in your life. No-one does. I'd be mortified to tell people my boyfriend had a kid he lied to me about. Won't you be?

lunar1 · 28/02/2021 21:44

People get shot down on here all the time for telling posters that they knew what they were getting into.

But this is your chance to walk away from a man who clearly has no issues with absolutely massive lies.

Why on earth do you think there isn't more he's keeping form you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2021 21:47

It’s not a “detail” and your relationship hasn’t been “great to say the least” because it was based on lies.

You would be incredibly stupid to carry on seeing him. You really would.

Do you have low self esteem? Please want more for yourself.

rainbowrainfall · 28/02/2021 21:48

Yes the post is only a snippet of your relationship but that lie is unforgivable, that's his child. If he's willing to lie about having a child to meet a woman then I'm afraid he'll be equally willing to lie about you to appear free and single too.

Id never lie about my children, if someone didn't want to be with me because I had a child then that's fine by me. I'd never pretend they don't exist, ever.

You're being naive, you need to set your standards much higher you are worth so much more! Don't ever accept being lied to.

PurpleBiro21 · 28/02/2021 21:50

any tips on what to do

Run.like.the.wind

Pebbledashery · 28/02/2021 21:56

Your red herring to not getting the advice you wanted is telling MN he lied to you.
You're getting well ahead of yourself. You're not step mum, you're dad's girlfriend. Just take a step back.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 21:57

You're 23, lots of time to find someone to settle down with. Please do not settle for someone who denies the existence of their own child.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 22:02

And if he's not ready to tell his family about you then its probably too soon to be meeting his child. Adding to that all the COVID disruption he probably needs to focus on their relationship before bringing someone else into his life.

Youseethethingis · 28/02/2021 22:11

Nope nope nope nope nope.
I’m not 100% convinced he has actually left his child and their mother to be honest.
Even if he has, why did your pride not stop you from returning to a man who had totally deceived you for months! You don’t need to settle for any of this bullshit, you are 23 years old!
I promise you, if you continue with this there will be a day when you look back at your 23 year old self with utter rage and fury at your own naivety and what it has cost you.

justilou1 · 28/02/2021 22:13

You know that the mother and the child probably live with his family, right? He’s abandoned the responsibility for them to the grownups...

Zampa · 28/02/2021 22:17

I love my husband very much and I'm very fond of his children. But if any of my friends were to get involved with a man with kids, I'd tell them to run a mile and that's without the added bonus of knowing they lied to them about even having children.

Being a stepmother is hard and that's when you get on with the children.

There really are better options for you out there then a man who deny the existence of his child.

LouJ85 · 28/02/2021 22:42

No way could I stay with someone who lied about something so huge for the first 6-7 months of the relationship. Has he even fully split from the mum of the kid? What else could he be lying about if he's willing to hide something as huge as that? What was his reason for the lie? So many questions.

I'd personally not be sticking around for the answers though.

SandyY2K · 28/02/2021 23:55

You're 23 and are happy to stay with a man who lied about having a child...or kept this very important information from you.

It's utter madness that you are still with him. Your relationship was built on a lie.

Now I only found out by chance as he had been hiding this huge detail from me for 6-7 months of us being together, lying saying that he didn't have children and avoided any children talk.

You found out by chance or he would still be lying.

his family still asks how she is when they are in the phone to him (never once does he mention me) and feels like I'm kept in the dark..

After a year his family don't know you exist. I think you're the OW and you don't know it.

Get rid of him or you'll regret it.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/03/2021 00:07

So the lying prick shows you photos of his DS, the one he denied having for 6-7 months and your thought is "oh, cute!"
That's a big old secret for him to keep. And a big old red flag for you to ignore. Do you have issues with low self esteem, because his behaviour is unforgivable?

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