Any tips in what to do...

[rara1346]

Hi Everyone,

I am a 23f who have been in a relationship with my partner for almost a year and things have been mostly great to say the least!

I'm on here because this is very new territory for me, and I'm unsure how to approach it and just need other people to talk to about this because frankly it scares me slightly!

Long story short I found out my partner, who lives by himself, has an almost 18 month old son who he regularly sees and facetimes (taking into account COVID and all). Now I only found out by chance as he had been hiding this huge detail from me for 6-7 months of us being together, lying saying that he didn't have children and avoided any children talk. I don't have any myself, and didn't plan to have children until my late 20s early 30s for my own reasons. However with this news it was a big shock due to him lying but we've worked through it (I'm still coming to terms with it fully).

So now with everything he's talking about his son and shows me pictures and videos which I love because he's really cute. However due to COVID 3.0 I've not had the chance to meet him yet... I've spoken to my partner and he seems excited for me to meet his son, but I'm feeling really nervous about meeting him and having to meet his ex. When I first found out about his son my partner has asked his ex if I could meet him and she said no. I didn't think much of it, after all I'm only a gf. I've found Christmas cards and presents and his family still asks how she is when they are in the phone to him (never once does he mention me) and feels like I'm kept in the dark... so not really sure what I'm meant to do.

However back to the post, I'm wondering if there are other people out there who have tips in dealing with being a stepparent (even though I don't like being called that because I don't ever want to replace any parent). I don't want to mess this child up, I've seen my fair share from my own upbringing and I worry about children as they are so fragile to the harsh world. I probably sound crazy but I just need this out of my system... So again, any tips or help with being part of a 18 months old life? (As I'm planing on staying with my partner and things are getting more serious)

Good people - good parents - never lie about having children.

I’m sorry OP, but I don’t believe this man takes your relationship seriously. If he did he simply would not have done this. He was compartmentalising you and it seems that is continuing with his family. Which means it’s not real life for him, however much it feels real for you.

If he was a good dad he wouldn't have denied having a child. If he can lie about his sons existence, he can lie about many things.

I think you have a lot of sad times with your partner ahead.

2 things struck me.

At 23 why would you want to stay involved with this whole mess???? You have the world at your feet and your 20's is the time to experiment and make mistakes and live it up.

Also , HE LIED ABOUT HIS CHILD! That's absolutely disgusting. You caught him in the lie. There wasn't even any honour in him coming clean. He will continue to lie and lie and lie.

He's a really shitty dad and a really shitty boyfriend and you are telling him that you will accept that by staying with him.

Run away!

You know something. How dare he lie about his child.
I look at my daughter and think I'm so bloody proud of her and bloody proud to be her mother. I would tell the whole world.
Your boyfriend is a disgrace of a man, a disgrace of a father and a disgrace of a partner. I'm appalled he would lie about having a child when there are many childless couples out there who would kill to have a little person to look after.
He's absolutely disgusting.

So you are really drawn to him.

Sounds like he's groomed/ conned you. The whole of your past relationship he has lied so he can trap you / get what he wants.

Don't be shocked when you find out more lies in the future.

Listen to people on here- even if you stay with him, just to be more aware of what he's probably like.

At your age you don’t need this messy, crap, plus he’s a massive liar. My advice would be to dump and find a child free man... read some of the posts on this board to see what’s in store.

well this doesn't bode well does it op? leaving aside the massive massive lie he told you and kept telling you until he got caught out, he doesn't sound like much of a dad. anyone coming round to my house would know in five minutes flat I have dc, because pictures of them are everywhere, their stuff is everywhere. he can't see his dc all that much if you were going round to his for 6 months and didn't see any toys, clothes, photos. does all contact take place at the ex's? does he have overnights, or do you think he's waiting until he's got you fetching and carrying before he tries that one?

Go and read one of the threads on step parenting and the problem's that arise. That will be your life in 5 years time if you stay with this excuse of a man.

The one thing you absolutely need as a SM is a partner that's transparent and honest.

There are many hurdles to overcome to be a successful blended family (even when relations between your partner and the Ex are largely cordial) but they absolutely rely on good communication and team work.

He's failed at the first hurdle.

You're 23, didn't plan on starting a family for some time yet and have a partner whose lied for over 6 months.

As a pp said any partner where you have to say "they're great apart from xxxx" is someone you shouldn't be investing your time in.

Yeah you love him.....but fave facts. He's not treated you like someone he loves....

Walk (run) away.

Apart from the massive lie , his Ex has said you can't meet the baby yet ?

As everyone else has said and for very good reason everyone on here has been in the same situation as you, leave him and go and find someone your own age without children, you are 23 years old, there are plenty of males your age who have not got kids, plus he has massively lied to you and duped you into dating him on the belief that he does not have kids, that should sound alarm bells. He has purposely waited for you to get emotionally involved with him so that you would not leave him, he has manipulated you, seriously just end it and move on you have got so much time on your hands to find someone who is at the same life stage as you. You will regret it if not, every comment has said the same thing.

You will regret it if not, every comment has said the same thing.

A unanimous thread on the step parenting board, no less. This is as rare as rocking horse shit op, the universe is definitely telling you something.

Mate - even aside from the massive lie he told you, you're 23, don't ruin your fun twenties being a step parent. You've got festivals, holidays and child free days to live! I say that having been a very young parent, I would tell me daughter to run as fast as she can if she was you.

Have enough self-love to put yourself first even if you love DP. The amount of trust issues that will spring up in the future because of his lie, let alone the challenges of step parenting will not make for a happy life. Get out now and find a man who's values (like honesty and trust) will align with yours and save yourself years of heartache.

If I were 23 years old, never in A BILLION OF YEARS, I would want to be with a man with with kids, let alone one that lies about them.

There's plenty of time for you to get outta this horrible decision to be with him.
Now, many people here are reasonable! And no one, I said NO ONE had anything good to say about your situation.

Another thing: I understand you're young and maybe a little naive, but don't even meet the ex!! You don't need that kinda energy in your life! This is just sad and I'm sorry but you sound very desperate if you're gonna stay with a man like that!

Run

He’s a liar. He lied for months about having a child.

“ I've found Christmas cards and presents and his family still asks how she is when they are in the phone to him (never once does he mention me) and feels like I'm kept in the dark... so not really sure what I'm meant to do.”

Deep down, you know what to do: leave him.

You’re ONLY 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on your studies, your career, your self development... Don’t waste time with this loser.