Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

@Youseethethingis

I wonder whether some of these posters would comment on a new mum's thread in the parenting or postpartum section, in the same way they do on here? Accusing her of maltreatment because she dares to voice that she's struggling.

It's actually frightening that this is a supposed to be a supportive place for women.

LouJ85 - that's worlds away from what the OP is saying! She doesn't want her DSC around false stop. Including xmas and holidays!

@Crystalclair

LouJ85 - that's worlds away from what the OP is saying! She doesn't want her DSC around false stop. Including xmas and holidays!

Since the birth of her baby, yes?
So is it beyond the realms of possibility that she's struggling with a postpartum illness?

LouJ85- she is mistreating her DSC emotionally buy wanting her to miss out on holidays and christmases etc because their unit of 3 seems more important. She is mistreating her emotionally by being "obsessed with her" (OP's words) until her DC came along, and now she'd rather DSC not be around

No one is suggesting physical mistreatment?!

OP isn’t behaving badly. She’s feeling badly.

So do you both frequent the parenting / postpartum board too, jumping on mothers who dare to express poor MH just to tell them how disgraceful they are and to accuse them of maltreatment?

If a mother said of her own older child, in the postpartum period, I struggle to have my eldest around now, I feel irritable when she's there, etc. Would you jump on her? Honestly? Or would you perhaps offer kindness, empathy, and suggest she got some support?

If it's not the latter; then I'll disengage from you both as we are most definitely not on the same page in our approaches to humans.

@Crystalclair @Fastestbrownie

Most recent post to you both.

@Youseethethingis

OP isn’t behaving badly. She’s feeling badly.

Exactly. This.

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Poor mental health does not absolve you of bad behavior. Especially when you are not taking steps to improve your mental health and are happy to instead burden somebody else (specifically a child) with the weight of the cross of your bad mh.

How do you know what steps she has or hasn't taken to get support in RL? Has she told us?

Has OP said this? That's she's perfectly fine the rest of the time?

I would just like to be able to feel relaxed and not on edge and to have a special moment with my baby and my partner. Is that really a crime? when she has a mother? Well she says herself that if his child wasn't ruining her day she'd be relaxed, off edge, and having a special moment.

@Fastestbrownie

I'm not going around in "mistreating of a child" circles again. Having MH difficulties and struggling postpartum is not mistreating a child, nor is saying you feel "on edge" around them - which is both a symptom of anxiety and depression.

I had severe PND after my daughter, in which I felt irritable, on edge, depressed, and suicidal.

I did not mistreat her.

LouJ85- you are diagnosing this woman to fit your narrative. Yes, she 'may' be struggling after birth, but let's face it, these feelings are very common if reading these boards have any bearing on the truth. Way beyond birth. The OP is an adult. The child is 5 and didnt choose her situation. The OP did.

Children's wellbeing should ALWAYS trump an adults.

OP does not want her DSC around false stop.

Stop making excuses for her.

I'm making things up to suit my narrative?

This woman has been branded a child abuser and it's been fully assumed that she has not taken steps to get help in RL. Not one person has given a concrete example of abuse, not one person has confirmed that they know for a fact she isn't taking steps to get help.

And I'm trying to make it fit my narrative, by suggesting we all try a little more empathy and open mindedness to a woman in the postpartum period.

Right.

I totally get you - you're not evil, it's totally natural to want to cherish this 'first' just as much as all of the others. However, you may have to lower your expectations. My first Mother's Day was last year and in all honesty, I can't remember a single minute of it. I maybe got a card? But I had to look after DD all day (12 weeks & EBF) so it was just any other day!

@Fastestbrownie

Excuse me? My guilty conscience?
What exactly are you trying to imply? Keep going - some of your other disgusting unfounded accusations have already been deleted by @mumsnet

If your 'private' feelings (Because let's be real, being irritable isn't a private feeling) makes the house an inhospitable environment it is absolutely emotional maltreatment. And don't pretend it isn't, I have no doubt you have been in the presence of an irritated 'on edge' person before. Now imagine you are five and the cause of that irritation is your audacity to breath in the same air as that monster person.

I'm starting to wonder if all the people that leap from a SP having private feelings to there being NO way the child cannot be suffering enormously in the wake of them, are just ill mannered people that personally cannot filter their feelings, because it is perfectly possible to hide the way you feel about someone. I do it all the time.

If you can't disagree with someone on a subject like this without calling them a monster, then this is quite likely the type of person you are.

@aSofaNearYou

If your 'private' feelings (Because let's be real, being irritable isn't a private feeling) makes the house an inhospitable environment it is absolutely emotional maltreatment. And don't pretend it isn't, I have no doubt you have been in the presence of an irritated 'on edge' person before. Now imagine you are five and the cause of that irritation is your audacity to breath in the same air as that monster person.

I'm starting to wonder if all the people that leap from a SP having private feelings to there being NO way the child cannot be suffering enormously in the wake of them, are just ill mannered people that personally cannot filter their feelings, because it is perfectly possible to hide the way you feel about someone. I do it all the time.

If you can't disagree with someone on a subject like this without calling them a monster, then this is quite likely the type of person you are.

We've all seen the type of person FB is.

Shaming the MH experiences of postpartum women.

Disgusting.

The OP has been very clear that she is perfectly happy in her little family whenever her sd isn't there
She’s also been very clear she didn’t feel like this before her child was born, which suggests somethings gone wrong somewhere around that. My guess is that she’s now discovering all the things that “aren’t allowed” for her as a mother in her own right and that then feeds into this current unhealthy cycle.
She didn’t just wake up one sunny Tuesday in her healthy and balanced relationship and decided “today I’m going to start feeling badly towards DSD”.

LouJ85- who the fuck is actually thinking about the poor child here! Who doesn't have a voice in the matter!

OP partner is branded abusive for sticking up for his child.

OP is branded victim because her perfect little family has to include the DSC she knew would be part of her life.

Where does the unwanted 5 yr old fit into according to needs?

To want to exclude a child is a form of abusive behaviour in the emotional sense.

My empathy will always be with the child who has absolutely no say or control over the situation.

It’s back under its bridge now.
Be nice to stop blindly attacking OP now and perhaps share any support or advice people may have?