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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 10/02/2021 13:13

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice.

I had a long chat with dp today, what do you all think? Is this even a solution?

I said I was really unhappy, dp says she knows and will 'sort something' I asked what, she got a bit angry and asked me to stop going on about it. I said I have to because this is my home and I don't feel happy about it.

I said I would be willing to help find a solution but I needed to be included in it.

Do says that what she thinks will happen is she will say to sd that she needs to respect me , sd will tell her to fuck off and then dp cant do anymore about it.

I said that after 14 years of not parenting her and allowing her to rule the roost she needs to step up and be her parent.

Dp took this as an attack on her parenting, which I get totally, and said that she knows she has raised sd to be a spoilt brat and doesn't need to be told.

I said that its not even just in this situation that sd needs to learn this behaviour isn't acceptable, its about giving her the tools for her life. Dp took this as an attack again and said that sd will just have to learn the hard way.

Dp then said she was worried abut rocking the boat because sd would simply say she is moving in with her other parent (she can't anyway at the moment but that by the by) and that dp would be 'choosing me over sd'

The conclusion is that dp will have another word , I said she needs to pull her up every time she does it when she is there. Ultimately dp isn't willing to have any consequences or push it any further for the sake of sds comfort. She threw in a "i do care about your feelings though" when I asked about my comfort.

I know i shouldn't have brought up the way sd is parented, but I do feel its a massive contributing factor.

There's no moving forward is there? Is there anything more I can say or do? I don't really want to abandon sd (who is still blatantly ignoring and turning her back on me) but I don't feel I have a choice. I feel sick about her future Sad but I cannot live like this if nobody is willing to move forward.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 10/02/2021 13:22

Tell your dp that you have reached the end of the road and that she and her daughter will have to move out. You cannot continue to sacrifice yourself like this. Your own children will be emotionally harmed too.

DustyVenetian · 10/02/2021 13:26

@nimbuscloud

Tell your dp that you have reached the end of the road and that she and her daughter will have to move out. You cannot continue to sacrifice yourself like this. Your own children will be emotionally harmed too.

This. I'm sorry but I can't see how this is going to get better.

Branleuse · 10/02/2021 13:27

shes fobbing you off. To me, this looks like nothing is about to change. This behaviour is too set in now, and your dp needs to do a lot more to give her daughter boundaries and make her feel loved and accepted, but not by pandering to every unreasonable hurtful bit of behaviour. There is a lot of work that needs doing with her dd that should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago, but ultimately, you cant reasonably expected to have a sullen rude argumentative teenager in your house making you feel crap and you not even be able to parent them or say anything to them. You ARE important and this is your home. Your sanctuary.
I think the most I would offer was maybe helping with a deposit for them to find a flat, but I think them all living there, freeloading and treating you like this will be making you ill, and thats not ok.

Dollyparton3 · 10/02/2021 13:28

"I said I was really unhappy, dp says she knows and will 'sort something' I asked what, she got a bit angry and asked me to stop going on about it. I said I have to because this is my home and I don't feel happy about it."

Sadly this speaks volumes. She either doesn't take you seriously or doesn't care. I suspect that as sad as it may be, you might feel relieved if you claim your home back??

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 10/02/2021 13:33

She is fobbing me off and hoping sd will come around meantime I guess.

That poor girl, I already see it with school "I got detention/sent to the head but it wasn't my fault because I just....." and then her parents soothing her and reassuring her it wasn't her fault so she doesn't kick off. She is going to get such a shock in the real world Sad

I'm going to ask dp to move out at the weekend. One of my dcs birthdays is coming up and the thought of sd inserting herself just to sulk and ignore me (as she has been doing when I've been doing anything) makes me want to cry.

I don't think I am being taken seriously at all. God this is going to be hard.

OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 10/02/2021 13:38

Your partner can in very specific terms make the daughter aware that the price for being able to live in your home is that she be polite and civil to you.

There is no longer a quasi familial relationship existing between you and the daughter; it is now a totally transactional relationship. At age 14 , the daughter understands the relationship between cost and benefit. If stated precisely, she will understand that the price to her for receiving the benefit of having a place to stay is that she must be polite and civil to you.

It is essentially a waste of time to go on about the parenting or possible implications for the daughter's future. The parenting ship has long ago sailed, and truth be told no one can predict with any certainty what the daughter's future will hold in terms of her ability to maintain or sustain relationships.

As the owner of the house ,you get to determine the rent or cost for them to remain in your home. You have determined the price to be civility on the part of the daughter. If the daughter modifies he r behavior and treats you with polite civility, your partner should not then be subject to unwanted discussions about their parenting style.
You should parent your children and your partner parents her child.

You should set as a joint boundary the right to each parent as you see fit without evaluation or input from your partner.

SeasonFinale · 10/02/2021 13:38

Good luck with it all OP. You need to do what is right for you and your children.

BlueJag · 10/02/2021 13:51

At 14 they can and should understand consequences. We have a 15 year old. I'll seat both down and I'll explain to them what the new rules are.

  1. You both live in my house.
  2. You need to respect and value what it's provide it. A roof over their head and general support. Even love.
  3. You are making me feel very unwanted in my own home.
  4. You have a choice either you change or we are going to make alternative arrangements.
Your house your rules.
acatcalledjohn · 10/02/2021 14:15

I said that its not even just in this situation that sd needs to learn this behaviour isn't acceptable, its about giving her the tools for her life. Dp took this as an attack again and said that sd will just have to learn the hard way.

and that dp would be 'choosing me over sd'

Those two things you said I find chilling. So little your partner cares for her child. And your children see this and will think it's ok.

I also believe you should stop feeling guilty for bringing up her parenting as it's the crux of the matter. She won't parent. She'd rather abandon the child.

You are not responsible for other people's refusal to face a problem. That means your DP's lack of money and housing as well as her unwillingness to parent.

billybagpuss · 10/02/2021 14:42

I think you're making the right decision. The only other option you have is to tackle DSD yourself but that is equally unlikely to work. If DP feels that refusing to accept poor behaviour from DSD is choosing you over her then there is nothing more you can do.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2021 14:45

Does your partner not get that it's not a case of stepdaughter moving to their other parents and she gets to stay where she is and 'choose you'? You need them both to go. I personally couldn't feel the same anymore about someone who could treat not only me as their partner, but their own child, so callously. It really says a lot that she's happy for both you and stepdaughter to be made to feel guilty, and told you need to 'put up' with things and do as you're told, but she won't do a single thing differently or make any effort herself.

Do not let her think she can stay put and just wave her badly parented child off. How dare she!

I would try talking to the stepdaughter yourself when she's not there, even if only as a 'here's how it has really been as my parting word to you' talk. There's little to be lost now.

ScribblingPixie · 10/02/2021 14:54

I am absolutely bemused that you aren't allowed to question your DP's parenting when it's causing you so much distress. After your update, I agree that it's time to do what's best for yourself and for your own children. Good luck, OP, it's going to be hard but the relief will be immense.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2021 15:19

You’re right to tell her to move out this weekend. Your DC’s birthday can be a happy day to look forward to where you and your DC can enjoy each other and your peaceful happy home.

You have tried. My god you’ve tried. But you must see it’s getting you nothing but further disrespect and heartache.

You did the right thing telling her it’s her lack of adequate parenting. There are two options: your child is a shit (not where you want to go) and your parenting is shit (the absolute truth) and you sensibly went with the latter.

While you’re coming from a kind compassionate place, wallowing in regret and worry for this girl’s future is pointless and a waste of your already depleted energy.

You said it, your children have only you and you know you owe it to them and to the mother you want to be to stop expending emotional resources on these too damaged toxic people and use everything you have to nurture yourself and your children.

Focus on that as the positive and what you gain from finally getting to this place instead of looking backwards or worrying about what you’ve lost.

Have you done the Freedom programme? If not, once the dust has settled it might be worth considering.

okokok000 · 10/02/2021 15:44

Your partner's solution sounds like pathetic lip service aimed to keep you quiet until this "blows over". Either way doesn't sound like much oomph / effort is going to be put into whatever chat she might have. It will be enough to say she tried to you.

forrestgreen · 10/02/2021 16:31

I don't think theres a way to 'win' after that conversation. I think I'd have to see what's said next time she ignores you. Does dp ignore the issue, does she say something wishy washy or does she really try. (Not saying anything will change overnight)

But do you actually love your partner or have you fallen into a rut? I'm not hearing the love tbh.

NovemberR · 10/02/2021 16:50

You are not being taken seriously, you are right.

The very next time AS walked into a room and blanked me or ignored me speaking to her I would say loudly That is it! I am done. You and your mother are to be out of my house by the weekend.

And I would then go tell DP the same. This girl needs a shocking example of how behaviour and consequences work.

Do not back down. You owe it to your own children.

NovemberR · 10/02/2021 16:51

SD sorry, not AS.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 10/02/2021 17:27

Thank you all again.

I have done the freedom programme.

Now I'm thinking about it I assumed getting into a relationship with a woman was maybe easier, there wouldn't be abuse so it felt safer.

After this long I'm not sure if there is love there anymore. Seeing her failing her daughter is so upsetting to me and has changed how I see her as a person.

She's at work and I'm here with sd again, I asked her to speak to sd before she went to work, but she didn't she will do it tomorrow apparently.

I just need a couple of days to get things sorted in my head and ask them to leave. Its not going to be easy, its been a long time, but I don't deserve this. I'm allowing myself to be walked over for the sake of a child who doesn't like me and who's parents are failing her so badly.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 10/02/2021 18:33

I'm beyond words at how pathetic the attitudes of her parents are tbh. It's clearly easier to just ignore her behaviour than deal with it by the sounds of it! I feel for her BUT basic manners cost nothing!!

They need to leave OP, you are doing the right thing.

MotherofTerriers · 10/02/2021 18:41

I'm sorry OP. Telling them to leave will be hard, but once its done your house will be a happy place again, and your children will be happier too

NovemberR · 10/02/2021 18:42

I'm allowing myself to be walked over for the sake of a child who doesn't like me and who's parents are failing her so badly.

Yes. Sadly, you are. And you deserve much better and to be able to model much better examples for your own children to follow. You have clearly been strong at many points in your life - now it's time to be strong again and draw your boundaries extremely firmly.

LatentPhase · 10/02/2021 18:53

You’ve got this, OP.

I’m rooting for you! Flowers

VettiyaIruken · 10/02/2021 19:05

You need to be firm here. It's sad for the kid, of course. But you can't save her. That much is crystal clear.

Her mum has a cushy life with you so of course she's not going to want to go!

Do you really want to wait for the day your SD punches you - or one of your children? And don't say it would never happen. It would.

And worse, how much of this example before your own children start to treat you this way?

You need to get them out. Where they go is not your responsibility. Your partner is a fully grown woman. It's her responsibility.

MeridianB · 10/02/2021 20:10

@LatentPhase

You’ve got this, OP.

I’m rooting for you! Flowers

Me too. Be strong.