Do you get judged / criticised as a childfree stepparent ?

[Greenland21]

As a stepparent if you don’t have biological children do you find you sometimes get judged ? Do people see you as less of a parent or are surprised if you don’t want your own?
I’m a stepmum and most of the time quite enjoy it, I think because I like being an Auntie figure but I’m always surprised at peoples thoughts!

Before dp and I started living together we were going to New York for a long weekend. He ended up having to cancel last minute to have his child. I still went and had a great time on my own. Back at work the following week a female colleague was "disgusted" that I hadn't also cancelled in order to help look after his and his ex wife's child because "I knew what I was getting into dating someone with kids" she outright told me if I was that selfish then it's a good thing I didn't have kids of my own. Just bizarre!!!

I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong in not having your own bio kids, people have different life plans

I have children with DH now who has two kids from a previous relationship. When we got together I was in my 20s with no kids.

Similar to what Justrise had said - many people (none of whom were SP) expressing their shock / horror / surprise / disgust if I didn’t plan my whole life around these kids. This was before I moved in with DH too. It didn’t seem to matter that they had two perfectly capable parents.

If I spent time with them, took them out or treated them then it’s exactly what I should be doing. If I had a day out with friends or did my own thing because DH had to cancel because he had to look after his kids then I was a selfish monster because I hadn’t dropped everything too.

I find that whatever you do in this SP situation, whatever your personal circumstances, someone is very quick to judge you.

The 'D'M of my DSD told my DP that if I wanted to be a mother, I should have my own children. I wasn't doing anything to step on her toes, just simply having a nice time with DSD when I saw her.

Having said that, I have a lot of sympathy from my friends, family and colleagues when having troubles with the DSCs, because I am not a mother myself. They appreciate that I find it a harder experience because I don't have children of my own.

I'm appalled by your stories @Justriseaboveitkiddo and @FoxtrotOscarPoppet.

I have to admit I very rarely mention that I have a SC to anybody, partly out of what I believed to be the cynical worry that they would behave like you say. It's disappointing but unsurprising to learn that they actually do.

Who is doing the judging? Nobody has ever said anything to me about it but I don't know what they say behind closed doors.

I find its something aimed more at female step parents which really annoys me. There was a previous thread on here about something similar and it got my DP and I discussing it.

He is a male step parent and he has never heard a word of this. I pointed out there is this unfair expectation that female step parents are viewed with suspicion and male step parents are hailed as heroes for taking on someone elses DC ( this particularly annoys us as DP hates that phrase because it suggests he is taking pity on me and my DC already have a perfectly serviceable father ) , and not having their own biological children adds to this.

Ergh I've heard people make these comments and they are ignorant and stupid so ignore them OP , there are some ridiculous judgements and expectations of SP and the only way is to roll your eyes and ignore.

@aSofaNearYou I don’t mention the fact that I’m a SM anymore. Again it’s the automatic judgement / expectations that are applied:

On first week in a new workplace I mentioned that I had SC when they were asking about home life. I merely commented that my DH had two children from a previous relationship. From that day on for absolutely no reason I had nicknames of “Cruella” and “Wicked Stepmother”.

At the other end of the judgement spectrum people baffled as to why I was with my partner “You’re young, why are you saddling yourself with his baggage? Are you desperate to be a mum or something?”.

Then there were the automatic expectations and judgement from DH’s family. Again before even moving in with my DH I lived 100 miles from him. One weekend I chose not to travel down to spend the weekend with him as I had plans with some friends and all I got from his parents were “why doesn’t Foxtrot want to spend the weekend with the girls? What else could she possibly be doing with her days off?! Poor kids. She needs to understand her responsibilities.”

Another time he had the girls and I was working the weekend. His girls were both poorly and he ran out of some groceries - understandably couldn’t take two sick kids to the local shop so he asked his parents if they’d grab some stuff whilst passing (they lived 10 minutes away from him). Again I was judged as I hadn’t dropped everything and driven 100 miles to get him said groceries.

Utterly baffling.

*Then there were the automatic expectations and judgement from DH’s family. Again before even moving in with my DH I lived 100 miles from him. One weekend I chose not to travel down to spend the weekend with him as I had plans with some friends and all I got from his parents were “why doesn’t Foxtrot want to spend the weekend with the girls? What else could she possibly be doing with her days off?! Poor kids. She needs to understand her responsibilities.” 

Another time he had the girls and I was working the weekend. His girls were both poorly and he ran out of some groceries - understandably couldn’t take two sick kids to the local shop so he asked his parents if they’d grab some stuff whilst passing (they lived 10 minutes away from him). Again I was judged as I hadn’t dropped everything and driven 100 miles to get him said groceries.

Utterly baffling.*

Completely bizarre. I have never met anyone like this in real life and it absolutely boggles the mind that people think and act like this. How suffocating, too, that they would even expect you to travel to see them every weekend before living together!

@shinyletsbebadguys

My dps brother has "taken on" a mother with 2 kids. What an absolute super star he really is, he could have any woman he wants but yet he graciously chooses to help this poor, needy, totally helpless damsel in distress because otherwise how would she or her children survive? He even takes (took.. Damn you covid!) the kids out occasionally on a Saturday afternoon between his sat morning football and Saturday night drinking down the pub with his mates to give the poor woman a well deserved break so she can catch up with the housework. Give that man a round of applause and for the love of God will someone please shine his halo for him. (He is actually a nice bloke I'm just taking the piss at how his parents genuinely see his sacrifice)
I on the other hand am evil incarnate because I knew what I was taking on when I got with a man with a kid and yet still wouldn't adjust my life style and commitments to accommodate everyone else, obviously hate the child and would prefer if never been born and proved as much by having own baby and daring to give baby my last name and not letting the siblings have the same surname and I refused to let anyone including dsc anywhere near my new born baby in first lock down. I mean obviously I'm above the law and my newborn and I were immune to any and all known and unknown viruses, I only kept them away to be a bitch. The views on my behaviour are not just limited to the in laws, I've actually had a not much of a friend anymore tell me I was horrible to not give my baby my dps name so the kids could have the same name... How else are they meant to know they are related???

I do worry sometimes that my ability to laugh and walk off shaking my head is just a cover and is going to lead one day to a "totally out of character, she's normally so quiet" gun toting rampage down the highstreet

I can’t match the batshittery up thread by any means, but one of DSDs mums many many reasons why I could never meet DSD was that “her house won’t be suitable for a child”.
I live in a 2 bed semi, fully fenced private garden, nice estate. She lives in an a 2 bed flat in one of the cesspits of our city, DSDs garden toys have been set on fire more than once (she’s not a poor soul before anyone say it, spends literally thousands of pounds on Christmas birthdays and Tuesdays , this is where she choose to bring up her child)
That being the case, I can only imagine she thought I must live in some sort of sex dungeon or crack den because I was in my twenties and childless. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

[quote Justriseaboveitkiddo]@shinyletsbebadguys

My dps brother has "taken on" a mother with 2 kids. What an absolute super star he really is, he could have any woman he wants but yet he graciously chooses to help this poor, needy, totally helpless damsel in distress because otherwise how would she or her children survive? He even takes (took.. Damn you covid!) the kids out occasionally on a Saturday afternoon between his sat morning football and Saturday night drinking down the pub with his mates to give the poor woman a well deserved break so she can catch up with the housework. Give that man a round of applause and for the love of God will someone please shine his halo for him. (He is actually a nice bloke I'm just taking the piss at how his parents genuinely see his sacrifice)
I on the other hand am evil incarnate because I knew what I was taking on when I got with a man with a kid and yet still wouldn't adjust my life style and commitments to accommodate everyone else, obviously hate the child and would prefer if never been born and proved as much by having own baby and daring to give baby my last name and not letting the siblings have the same surname and I refused to let anyone including dsc anywhere near my new born baby in first lock down. I mean obviously I'm above the law and my newborn and I were immune to any and all known and unknown viruses, I only kept them away to be a bitch. The views on my behaviour are not just limited to the in laws, I've actually had a not much of a friend anymore tell me I was horrible to not give my baby my dps name so the kids could have the same name... How else are they meant to know they are related???

I do worry sometimes that my ability to laugh and walk off shaking my head is just a cover and is going to lead one day to a "totally out of character, she's normally so quiet" gun toting rampage down the highstreet [/quote]
Yep it's amazing isn't it , I mean we should use their halos to power the worlds grid. Like you say my DP is a truly lovely man but you know , less angelic than he thinks he is in general . Entertainingly he also is limited in his understanding of social cues so when a previous colleague of ours heard him mention he had been teaching ds1 to ride his bike , said colleague gushed that wasn't he so good and wasn't I so lucky, DP looked confused and said why? When the colleague attempted to flutter and stutter a vaguely polite version of him donating his time to the poor broken single mother to help her son ride a bike he looked more confused and said "I dropped him twice and Shiny would have done it but she was teaching ds2 " and wandered off with such a bemused look on his face eshe got all red faced and told me no offence meant. No love but much taken .

It is ridiculous the double standards. I'm not remotely a fan of judgy crap in any case but this particular issue has absolutely no basis on logic.

Ahhh the "friends " who insist on giving you advice. They are always a pain. I quite like the idea that they won't know they are siblings. I mean what does she think they will do one day , after years of spending time together , years of sharing parents , turn around at dinner one night and say " Bloody hell you are my sister ,I never knew because we have different last names....what a huge surprise "

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet

I'm assuming these things were said to your DP/DH rather than to you directly?

In that position I'd be wondering what the purpose of him telling you this is. It's hardly going to make you have a good or better relationship with his parents.

I'd also expect my OH in that situation to tell his parents, that I have a life that doesn't revolve around his DC.... assuming he was on the same page as you of course.

“why doesn’t Foxtrot want to spend the weekend with the girls? What else could she possibly be doing with her days off?! Poor kids. She needs to understand her responsibilities.

Again I was judged as I hadn’t dropped everything and driven 100 miles to get him said groceries.

@SandyY2K re why doesn’t Foxtrot want to spend the weekend with the girls? What else could she possibly be doing with her days off?! Poor kids. She needs to understand her responsibilities this comment was passed on by DH when I innocently asked how his parents were (not helpful of him and served absolutely no purpose in saying this to me).
The future MIL made sure to reiterate her point though when we next saw each other.

Re Again I was judged as I hadn’t dropped everything and driven 100 miles to get him said groceries. I had a text direct from the MIL asking why I couldn’t possibly leave work and drive said 100 miles. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Both times there was much eye rolling and shaking of the head on my part.

I always assume they are sad they don't have kids or their own? I would never feel jealous of them.. jealous of what??

@BlueDay22

I always assume they are sad they don't have kids or their own?

Have you considered they don't want kids of their own.

@BlueDay22

I always assume they are sad they don't have kids or their own? I would never feel jealous of them.. jealous of what??

Jealous of their freedom probably.

I think child free step parents are great if they're caring towards kids who aren't theirs. My boyfriend gets v burnt out on my children being around, but is kind and considerate and tries to make life better for us all. I feel lucky that although kids weren't in his plan, he feels enough for us to want to be there.

@BlueDay22

I always assume they are sad they don't have kids or their own? I would never feel jealous of them.. jealous of what??

Do you read the room this badly in real life, too?

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet

I had a text direct from the MIL asking why I couldn’t possibly leave work and drive said 100 miles.

Mmmm...I think this would have pushed me to block her tbh. Very irritating behaviour.

I hope she's not turned into an interfering MIL.

The should be a page dedicated to the outrageous things the Outlaws do/say!

She’s tried @SandyY2K

I just “grey rock” her now.

Only on mumsnet

I was a child free step mum for 4 years and I did feel judged in this time but oddly only by my partners family...

Ie I've gone out twice that week when he had the kids, or I spent x amount on us both going out without the kids, me not wanting the kids over every night for tea and me never having them alone etc etc

For the most part I laughed it off and played up too it as the young & childless enjoying life and this is why I didn't have kids till I was 31!

@ihavenowords30
Sounds like they were a bit put out you weren’t tripping over yourself to be their grandchildren’s New Mummy