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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you get judged / criticised as a childfree stepparent ?

34 replies

Greenland21 · 30/01/2021 18:16

As a stepparent if you don’t have biological children do you find you sometimes get judged ? Do people see you as less of a parent or are surprised if you don’t want your own?
I’m a stepmum and most of the time quite enjoy it, I think because I like being an Auntie figure but I’m always surprised at peoples thoughts!

OP posts:

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ihavenowords30 · 02/02/2021 09:57

@Youseethethingis even though my partner and his ex don't see eye to eye she is for the most part a really good mum so they 100% didn't need a mum figure!
They are very hard work however even now that we have our own son, the other children always are seen to be missing out etc which is silly when there is a age age of over 11 years + with them a a my son. Luckily No one including the kids support this view!

EsmeCrowfoot · 03/02/2021 18:27

My DSD is well into adulthood now and her life is still blighted by a speech impediment she's had ever since she was little, which both her parents seemed to be in denial about throughout her childhood, the net result being that it was never addressed, and it led to her being picked on at school and becoming very withdrawn.

Yet when I (gently/tactfully) broached this issue with DH, while she was still small, I was told what would I know, I'm not a mother.

DSD still audibly/visibly struggles with some aspects of speech as an adult, and doesn't have much of a life as a result. I feel very sad for her over this (just in case I'm coming off like an interfering sow who needs to butt out). But when I dared broach it again a few years ago I was told she's an adult, you can't tell adults how to speak (with a side order of reheated 'what would you know, you're not a mother' to boot).

I'm still angry about this, not on my own behalf, but on my DSD's.

EsmeCrowfoot · 03/02/2021 18:29

^ broach it with DH, that should have read. I wouldn't hurt DSD by mentioning this to her.

Youseethethingis · 03/02/2021 21:29

@EsmeCrowfoot
I find it so sad that your DH wasn’t willing to even hear you out on a welfare matter regarding his child. And to use the “you’re not a mother” like too? Well a lot of people aren’t mothers and are still capable of noticing problems that are staring them in the face
No wonder you’re still angry.
Stand by for someone to say you should have sorted it as a step mother because surely your DSD is like your own child? but without overstepping the parental boundaries.

FinallyHere · 03/02/2021 21:50

If they have, no one has ever been brave enough to tell me about it.

Dontknownow86 · 03/02/2021 23:46

I had someone at work ask me if dps ex was being such a pain about telling us our holiday days 'because you had an affair'? Wtf we didn't have an affair.

I told her so and she said 'well I can understand why she would be difficult if you did'.

Also steps have made me not really want kids so I wouldn't be feeling sorry for me not having my own...

EsmeCrowfoot · 04/02/2021 08:53

[quote Youseethethingis]@EsmeCrowfoot
I find it so sad that your DH wasn’t willing to even hear you out on a welfare matter regarding his child. And to use the “you’re not a mother” like too? Well a lot of people aren’t mothers and are still capable of noticing problems that are staring them in the face
No wonder you’re still angry.
Stand by for someone to say you should have sorted it as a step mother because surely your DSD is like your own child? but without overstepping the parental boundaries.[/quote]
Exactly sad

Sadly my DH was afraid to rock the boat with his ex when DSD was younger as she'd fly into rages, sometimes when DSD was around which of course would upset her. He also tended to view his ex as a better mother than I consider she ever was, so I think he trusted that if there was a problem she'd address it, oh and also 'if there was a problem the school would have said something' apparently. I do feel he should have been more open-minded to what I was trying to say to him on this, and definitely feel he should have done something proactively to help DSD as his ex couldn't seem to be bothered.

I can only imagine the wrath his ex would have unleashed if I'd tried to action anything myself – back in those days it felt like I wasn't even entitled to voice an opinion (although I did anyway). I did used to wish I had the clout to do something.

LatentPhase · 04/02/2021 10:12

Some of these examples of batshittery/expectations of women are hilarious!!!

Except @EsmeCrowfoot your example is sad. Very sad.

Bibidy · 04/02/2021 10:47

As a stepparent if you don’t have biological children do you find you sometimes get judged ? Do people see you as less of a parent or are surprised if you don’t want your own?

Yes, I find that people are very quick to read hate for the kids into anything I say. Just because I hate sleeping on a blow-up bed when they come or don't look forward to spending days on end playing dull games doesn't mean I don't like them.

Also, people definitely do see you as less of a parent. I mean, I am not a parent and don't consider myself to be one, but due to having SCs I do have a lot of experience of being with and around kids. I have noticed this trend a lot lately as 3 of my close friends are having babies and some of the things they say show me that they don't consider my experience to be valid. Even though I have spent significant time looking after/living with children since the youngest was 2.

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