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His ex wants me to pay maintenance

502 replies

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 28/01/2021 04:32

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 21:43

@Justriseaboveitkiddo
Yes I’m trying to play nicely but what I really want to say is
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU JUST READ THE FUCKING BASTARDING THREAD
Grin

Changelingss · 28/01/2021 21:47

As far as I know she isn’t entitled to money you earn no. Does she not earn her own money?

If you can afford it, I would perhaps offer to buy clothes, shoes that kind of thing but obviously for the child’s benefit, most definitely would not give her cold hard cash after demanding it. Yes she is a cheeky cow.

Your OH can’t give it if he doesn’t have it. If she wants to weaponise the little one by stopping contact then that is up to her, there isn’t much you can do. Obvs your OH could take her to court but if she wants to play nasty games, the only one stuck in the middle and getting hurt would be the innocent little one.

I could have rinsed my ex but never asked for a penny and never stopped contact. He volunteered some cash for a few years which was gratefully received and when he and his wife moved back here they were skint. We even helped them out with DD’s Bday etc. I’d be ashamed to ask for money, especially off another woman!!

bogoffmda · 28/01/2021 22:09

Just goes to show you need to be careful how you write stuff.

My EXs second EX DP sees my lifestyle - 2 jobs works like a dog and am comfortable and thinks I should pay myEX - her EX for just being the father and he can transfer that monies too me!! She has even phoned me up to tell me this - I am letting half sib stave etc etc. She is jealous - tough fucking shit darling. 2 yrs EX did not pay me as could not afford it but still managed to take you and your 2 DCs on luxury business class holidays and claim he could not afford to take all 4 DCs on any holiday mine being left behind!!!

Like the OP - I worked my bollocks off, am financially secure and do not rely on EX for anything, she on the other hand has part time job and lives off the maintenance the fathers of her DCs provide - not my fecking problem.

I am actually completely behind the OP - but also recognise that the EX can be pissed off - how she chooses to express it is wrong. Does the OPs DP have a responsibility to both his DCS absolutely yes - ergo not finding a job ( glad he has OP ) should not be an option

wallyrag · 28/01/2021 22:14

My ex pays £200 a month (not regular) for 3 children. I wouldn't dream of stopping contact.
I act in my children's best interests. He'll never pay more and they're affected enough by that. I will never affect them more by stopping contact.

GlowingOrb · 28/01/2021 22:15

She doesn’t need to provide clothing. She can deliver the kids as is. He can provide everything they need during his parenting time.

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 22:24

Shame on her expecting another woman ( Her ExP current DP) to pay for her child.

It's not your responsibility and if I was even going to help, her demand would make me say no chance.

feistyoneyouare · 28/01/2021 22:24

@Pringlemonster

Gosh op These are your step children,who surely you love??? If you don’t love and cherish them ,why are you having a child with their dad You are their step mum ,their family . Yes they are your responsibility. Why have a baby with a man if you are not sharing money .. You share a child ,that is his children’s half sibling. Why would you not help ..
Meanwhile, back in real life... Hmm

Are you honestly suggesting no one should have a family with a partner unless they love their partner's previous kids? That's a lovely ideal, but it's unrealistic to the nth degree.

Are you actually/have you been a stepparent yourself? You sound very idealistic about stepparenting.

Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 22:28

@feistyoneyouare
I’m actually still on the fence as to whether Pringles post was genuine, it seemed far too wide eyes to be real 🤔

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 22:33

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

I have to say you sound very sensible and together.

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 28/01/2021 22:49

Can bogoffmda please stop writing posts as questions and answers. Is it frustrating? Yes!

NorthernSpirit · 28/01/2021 23:31

DO NOT pay the maintenance. They aren’t your kids, they aren’t your responsibility and you’ll get no thanks for it.

My OH paid £795 maintenance for 2 kids and had done so for 8 years, never paid late and never missed a payment.

He was made redundant (informed the EW) and kept the maintenance at the same level for 4 months (while out of work) while he looked for a job. When he couldn’t afford it - I stepped in and paid it (more fool me). I paid £795 for 3 months - to a woman who refers to me as ‘her’ and has alienated her own children against me.

He got a job and asked the CMS to revise the payment. They advised he should pay £400.

He gave his EW 3 months notice that the payment would reduce and between us we paid the higher amount for a further 3 months.

4 months later when the payment is about to reduce she stopped contact & the children weren’t allowed to speak to their dad (they were 11 & 14 at the time).

The kids text my OH and said they couldn’t text or call ‘as daddy didn’t pay for them’.

She demanded £795 and wrote to my OH saying ‘the kids were pay to see’.

He has a contact order, but she stopped contact and wouldn’t let the kids come or speak unless he paid the £795.

I should add this is a woman who refused to work until the kids were 10 & 13 and now works 16 hours PT.

My advice would be, don’t pay, you won’t get any thanks and woman like this will use their own kids as pawns and to bully to get their own way.

In our case it went to court for breaching the contact order, she got a slap on the wrists (as usual as the penal notice at the back of the contact order isn’t worth the paper it’s written on) but contact did eventually resume.

Woman like this have no values. Hold your head up high and let her pay for her own kids.

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 23:49

NorthernSpirit

How sad for the kids. It's no wonder children end up damaged with mother's like her using them like this.

Very sad and so damaging for the child, who thinks their dad doesn't love them enough to pay.

'Pay per see' the Court should have made her the NRP after such a comment.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 28/01/2021 23:51

Your dp may be able to claim contributions based jsa of he has paid ni last couple years and don't think that takes your partners income into account, its £70 ish a week but something he could pay for his child maybe ?

NorthernSpirit · 29/01/2021 00:34

@Sisterlove it so sad.

The oldest DSD is 15 YO and the damage is so sad to see. She won’t text or call her dad as she says ‘it upsets mummy. Her dad has tried to explain that he’s always paid for them but the response is ‘you tell lies about mummy’. She’s very immature and completely brainwashed and manipulated by her mother.

I hope the truth comes out one day.

He’s taken her to court so many times for breaching and each time she gets a slap on the wrists. The court system has completely failed a loving father. The time before last when in court for breaching (she demanded something unreasonable and then stopped contact when she didn’t get it) the judge threatened to ‘take the children off you & give them to the father’. She doesn’t care, thinks she’s above the law.

Her manipulation is out of control and I can see the same patterns of behaviour in the daughter.

So sad that these bitter EW can do this to their own children. It’s hilarious she thinks she’s mother of the year.

Scottishskifun · 29/01/2021 00:55

Your DP sounds like a brilliant father and redundancy is tough (my DH had 3 in 2 years due to the oil and gas sector bottoming out a few years ago). Keep speaking to him about it my DH put his head in the sand about how it made him feel and it came back to bite him.

It's brilliant that he has already found a new job give him a week or so to settle but also keep gently encouraging him to look for something that he wants to do more long term. There are positions out there (check out the civil service BTW their jobs only tend to be advertised on their website).

Definitely sounds like they need a custody order now it's horrible that his ex used her child as a weapon but sadly it's all too common a case.

Daisypaisy2 · 29/01/2021 05:12

@Justriseaboveitkiddo I’m glad your partner has now got a job. I hope it all works out.

A tip too don’t put all your own personal info on this thread... I reckon if you said you worked part time in a low paid job posters would not be suggesting you should of paid for your SC.

This was a real MN land thread. You did well OP!

Bibidy · 29/01/2021 09:51

@GlowingOrb

She doesn’t need to provide clothing. She can deliver the kids as is. He can provide everything they need during his parenting time.
How ridiculous and petty. Surely some of the £450 he has paid for years was spent on clothing the child, therefore he already has provided them. Imagine being so petty that you won't let your own child take their clothes with them to their dad's, my god.

It is galling as the RP, to see the NRP live a lifestyle that does not reflect what they contribute to their child regardless of where that monies come from.

That's just tough luck though, one person can't be expected to maintain 2 households at exactly the same level, and why should they?

And OP - who has come into this situation with her own house and business, nothing to do with her DP - is 1 million per cent NOT responsible for making sure her DP's ex and child are living the same lifestyle as her household.

If the ex met someone wealthy, would she need to give money to OP & DO so that her child could continue to live the exact same lifestyle as he does at hers?? NO! She is not entitled to live a certain way just because her ex has met somebody with a decent career.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo So glad your OH has found himself a job and is happy about it :) Good for him, and you. Still do encourage him to sort a contact order though, don't want her doling out more threats in the future.

Youseethethingis · 29/01/2021 09:55

Imagine being so petty that you won't let your own child take their clothes with them to their dad's, my god
This.
My DSD is 9 and has particular favourites that move between the houses because, regardless of who paid for them, they are all her clothes 🤷‍♀️
I’m sure an 11 year old would probably feel the same.

Bibidy · 29/01/2021 09:58

@Youseethethingis

Imagine being so petty that you won't let your own child take their clothes with them to their dad's, my god This. My DSD is 9 and has particular favourites that move between the houses because, regardless of who paid for them, they are all her clothes 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure an 11 year old would probably feel the same.
Yep same here. My SCs bring everything they want wherever they want.

My OH recently bought them a Nintendo Switch, imagine if he said that couldn't go back with them because it's his ex's responsibility to provide everything on her time???? It's ridiculous and spiteful and only hurts the kids.

Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2021 10:08

Had this issue when I had dd1, dh was suffering with depression and lost his job so we decided he would care for dd1 whilst I went to work (not a short term plan whilst he sorted the depression), his ex wife wasn’t happy as he was unable to keep up maintenance payments so she started implying that I should pay for the step children. At the time she wasn’t working either despite the kids being over 5 years old. This was quite a few years ago and CSA did used to look into family income as a whole, they now don’t because obviously that would be unfair (why should we pay for kids that are not ours?).

OP, ignore the people telling you to leave him, many people are now out of work due to covid and it’s not easy or quick to find something else. All I can advise is that he offers something towards the dc even if it’s £10 pw. Hopefully he will find work soon and be able to contribute more. You don’t need to worry about your wages being taken from you because that won’t happen.

Neversleepingever · 29/01/2021 10:18

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

2. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

^^ This!!

Children are not pay per view. Take her to court so contact is set in stone to stop Futher threats for the future.

Best of luck for DP to get another job again soon so he can start paying maintenance.

LetMeOut2021 · 29/01/2021 10:23

Why would OP pay legal fees. That’s as much a madness as paying CM.

needadvice54321 · 29/01/2021 10:29

@LetMeOut2021

Why would OP pay legal fees. That’s as much a madness as paying CM.
I definitely would help out with legal fee's if I could . It shouldn't come up that as parents shouldn't be using their children as pawns, but if it came to my dp potentially being cut out of the life of his child then yes I'd do what I could to help
gutful · 29/01/2021 10:29

My reaction upon reading the thread title was the face of “kombucha girl”

NO do not pay maintenance for anyone else’s child! Ever!

Pyewhacket · 29/01/2021 10:33

......... he needs to find a job ASAP.

Easier said than done in the current climate. My neighbour flew 747's for BA for twenty years. His redundancy paid off the mortgage so at least they have a roof over their heads but he's applied for 200 jobs and hasn't had single interview or positive reply to any of them.

Local supermarket to us advertised for delivery drivers, they got 500 applicants within 3 days.

And when furlough ends in April you'll see unemployment echo the 1980's.

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