His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

It is galling as the RP, to see the NRP live a lifestyle that does not reflect what they contribute to their child regardless of where that monies come from.

Is this a joke?
When I met my DP I was already earning way more than him because, guess what, I worked my fecking arse off for TEN years for a damn good career. You think that because I happened to meet a man with kids, I should then subsidise his exW and kids from my own hard earned cash, so they can all benefit from my hard work? Someone who had no hand in their conception or existence is responsible for this, are they?

Unbelievable entitlement on this thread.

Completely agree @LouJ85. What the hell does it have to do with the ex what kind of lifestyle you lead, as long as the father of her kids is supporting them financially?!

@LouJ85 sorry Lou, you’ve got this all wrong. Once you’ve pushed a baby out (first family, not an unfortunate second family baby like my own) you can make whatever tenuous link you like aslong as the net result is living off another’s earnings.

It’s like the first family version of the royal family.

I’d be more inclined to helping pay for legal fees. Still not something I would particularly want to spend my money on, but if I had a loving partner and he was hurting because he wasn’t “allowed” to see his children and I had the money spare, I would probably help him with legal fees.

Maintenance is a different story. It’s money going to another household and it benefits your own household in no way whatsoever.
Then there is the moral side to it, that if the parents were still together then mum would have to support the household on her own. Why should it be any different if dad has a partner?

I’m a very generous person and love to help people when I can. But former dsc’s mum was not one of those people. I would have rather given my money to charity than put it in her pockets if this situation ever came about.

I had the same situ as OP, I was on mat leave preparing for my return. DH’s previous earnings meant his CM was literally more than my stat mat pay. I parted with this money graciously at exes (or dare I say BM’s request) and my own child managed perfectly well on his diet of fresh air. Our mortgage provider was also similarly accommodating. For why should the ex work after a decade?

@LouJ85

It is galling as the RP, to see the NRP live a lifestyle that does not reflect what they contribute to their child regardless of where that monies come from.

Is this a joke?
When I met my DP I was already earning way more than him because, guess what, I worked my fecking arse off for TEN years for a damn good career. You think that because I happened to meet a man with kids, I should then subsidise his exW and kids from my own hard earned cash, so they can all benefit from my hard work? Someone who had no hand in their conception or existence is responsible for this, are they?

Unbelievable entitlement on this thread.

I get what that original poster meant, I think.

I would never expect a step parent to pay for a child/ex etc so I don't see it from that angle. But having been left high and dry with a young baby by my ex, who then met someone who lived a nicer life - meaning that ex had nice things (because he had more income left as lower mortgage etc). I would struggle day to day just to feed our child, he'd pay the absolute bare minimum of maintenance because he was on a low income but would turn with top of the range phones etc. His new partner had no responsibility towards DS at all and I would have never dreamt of taking anything off her, but it was incredibly hard to not feel resentful when I was literally on my bare bones. As it was after 2 children they split up and she is now seeing what happened to me as he's left, paying bare minimum in maintenance and not helping out with childcare etc

Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I think it would take someone to be very strong to be left with a child and happy to watch their ex living a decent life whilst paying a pittance for the child they helped to bring into the world

@needadvice54321 for all my sarcasm I can appreciate that.

@needadvice54321 that’s fair, and understandable.

It’s wher it tips over from “it’s a bit galling but it is what it is” into “it’s not fair so I deserve the same” that the problems start. Ex is displaying the latter behaviour and some on this thread have too

[quote LetMeOut2021]@LouJ85 sorry Lou, you’ve got this all wrong. Once you’ve pushed a baby out (first family, not an unfortunate second family baby like my own) you can make whatever tenuous link you like aslong as the net result is living off another’s earnings.

It’s like the first family version of the royal family.[/quote]

Evidently!!

[quote BillMasen]@needadvice54321 that’s fair, and understandable.

It’s wher it tips over from “it’s a bit galling but it is what it is” into “it’s not fair so I deserve the same” that the problems start. Ex is displaying the latter behaviour and some on this thread have too[/quote]
Oh totally, it was what is was. I didn't expect a penny of it, but it was a shit time and I'd be lying if I felt anything other than hatred/jealousy whatever.

I think it would take someone to be very strong to be left with a child and happy to watch their ex living a decent life whilst paying a pittance for the child they helped to bring into the world

Maybe that makes me, according to your definition, a very strong person, then.

My ex has paid what I would consider "a pittance" for our own DD due to relatively low income. He's also lived when DD's stepmum in their family's lavish farm house for many years, owned and fully paid for by her parents, with acres of land, etc. She's come back from her dad's super excited about this amazing place they lived in, their lovely cars etc (none of which be worked for). Meanwhile, I worked full time scraping by for childcare fees etc, and continued to work my arse off to build my successful career, having to sacrifice time with my DD along the way so I could work and study hard to get to where I am.

Now I'm here, I feel nothing but pride that I don't need his pittance of CMS to give her a good lifestyle. So no resentment here. Just pride.

[quote BillMasen]@needadvice54321 that’s fair, and understandable.

It’s wher it tips over from “it’s a bit galling but it is what it is” into “it’s not fair so I deserve the same” that the problems start. Ex is displaying the latter behaviour and some on this thread have too[/quote]

Exactly. The entitlement is something else.

@LouJ85

I think it would take someone to be very strong to be left with a child and happy to watch their ex living a decent life whilst paying a pittance for the child they helped to bring into the world

Maybe that makes me, according to your definition, a very strong person, then.

My ex has paid what I would consider "a pittance" for our own DD due to relatively low income. He's also lived when DD's stepmum in their family's lavish farm house for many years, owned and fully paid for by her parents, with acres of land, etc. She's come back from her dad's super excited about this amazing place they lived in, their lovely cars etc (none of which be worked for). Meanwhile, I worked full time scraping by for childcare fees etc, and continued to work my arse off to build my successful career, having to sacrifice time with my DD along the way so I could work and study hard to get to where I am.

Now I'm here, I feel nothing but pride that I don't need his pittance of CMS to give her a good lifestyle. So no resentment here. Just pride.

Oh my pride is huge now! DS is 17 and I take all of the credit . We were in serious shit though, court summons, close to eviction the lot. All whilst his Dad washed his hands of any responsibility- he's a dickhead though, thankfully not all men are like that

I'm one of those who is the main carer (only carer he isn't allowed to have contact as he's too abusive even for the courts), and twatface messes around paying less than he should or late and we've had years of him paying nothing. Whilst he lived in a massive house and drove the latest luxury cars. I know because he would make it a point to sloooowly drive past me and my little DC when we would be waiting at the bus stop (top bloke that, can't think why I left him).

At no point in time did I think well his new wife (who was also OW) should pay for my DC. And she would also make a point of walking up and down her drive way holding her child to show us what she had if we were ever walking past her house or waiting for a bus near her house (I used to avoid using that bus stop and walk to the further away one).

My DC are my responsibility, ex is missing out so much from mistreating his own DC. Meanwhile I have amazing gorgeous, super clever, accomplished young people in my life whom I love the bones of.

Ex owes my DC a lot of money, his wife owes us nothing. I hope the money he is withholding from his children brings him nothing but abject misery.

I really don't get the, well his wife/partner owes me money. She doesn't she really doesn't. I bet all those saying pay her the maintenance, would be up in arms if OP called the ex the birth mother, or wanted the DSC to call her mum, or if OP tried to attend parents meetings and have a say in her schooling, medical decisions etc.

OP is a responsible adult in the DSC's life, she is providing love and support for the DC, she is not financially responsible for the child.

And in this case the father is trying his hardest to ensure he is able to contribute towards his children financially any way possible.

Not RTFT sorry but NO. Do not get into this routine, do not set this precedent. It is not your responsibility.

Job loss and therefore income loss is unfortunately sometimes part of life. I do feel for their Mum but she and your DP are the parents, it's up to them to tighten the belt when these unfortunate life events occur, not you.

As PP said, if they were still together they'd have no other choice.

Just no.

@LetMeOut2021

Why would OP pay legal fees. That’s as much a madness as paying CM.

Because bullies shouldn't win, children have a right to see both their parents regularly and you have to live with the person being bullied who you love.

Also in most cases you will be lending not giving your DP/DH the money. People have their pride.

[quote LetMeOut2021]@LouJ85 sorry Lou, you’ve got this all wrong. Once you’ve pushed a baby out (first family, not an unfortunate second family baby like my own) you can make whatever tenuous link you like aslong as the net result is living off another’s earnings.

It’s like the first family version of the royal family.[/quote]
Is this on the meme thread?

I don’t know. I’ve not read it.

Bullies shouldn’t win. But I don’t think a third party should have to foot the bill for that fight. Just my two pence. Others don’t have to agree

Please please do not start paying.losing your job happens, that’s life. She’ll just have to cope like everybody else. You know she can’t stop contact, she’s just being a bitch. If you start this now then that’s what she’ll always resort too, blackmail. The child won’t starve.

Wow first long post in a while on this.. must of been a full moon out im.1 million percent with magda sound advive you give as always i admire you xx

Thanks @Kimbo180

This thread is actually mind boggling & yes it must be the full moon lol.
The level of entitlement projected on here is unreal!
My exdp pays 200 euro a WEEK for his dc plus his exw's mortgage on the NEW home HE paid the deposit on. He is also funding any third level ALONE. I have stated many times on here that this literally left him with nothing for himself, NOTHING, as any extra he had he spent on treating the "poor fatherless" dc - exw's words.
Naively he agreed to all the above as he didn't want a protracted divorce (for the sake of the dc) & assumed that his ex would eventually get a job & contribute to costs such as uni which she said she would, but surprise, surprise hasn't.
In the 8 years they have been divorced she had not gotten up off her arse ONCE to financially provide for her dc & despite all the above has regularly needed bailing out as fuel bills, car maintenance etc. doesn't get BUDGETED for.
I quite literally have NO time for women like this whose dc are in school & with no special needs, who believe it is their right to go on holidays & get their hair & nails done all on their exh's hard work & money - they are blood suckers of the highest order.
In the past I worked in a centre for teens with physical disabilities and/SN's & I had a lot of interaction with their parents. There were men & women coming in to collect their really challenging dc after working FULL days & facing into tough evenings at home with little sleep bar the two or so nights respite care they would get per month. None of these parents could afford not to work due to medical costs & in nearly every case both parents HAD to work.
This always came to mind when exdp's extremely entitled exw kicked off about her miserable lot on life - she didn't have a CLUE - same as many on here.
We live in the 21st century & where is it written that just because you once gave birth you can now sit back and do sfs for the rest of your days????
IF you choose to stay at home with dc that is your choice, but even in an intact family that will have financial implications. The problem with women like exdp's ex is that they want to stay home but don't want to live with the financially implications of that decision. Their attitude is not to BUDGET what they have but to EXPECT MORE when they run out - something that isn't even workable in intact families.
Louder for those at the back - money doesn't actually grow on trees & fathers do not merely exist to impregnate & then dish out endless cash.

Love it... your so right

@Magda72

Thanks *@Kimbo180*

This thread is actually mind boggling & yes it must be the full moon lol.
The level of entitlement projected on here is unreal!
My exdp pays 200 euro a WEEK for his dc plus his exw's mortgage on the NEW home HE paid the deposit on. He is also funding any third level ALONE. I have stated many times on here that this literally left him with nothing for himself, NOTHING, as any extra he had he spent on treating the "poor fatherless" dc - exw's words.
Naively he agreed to all the above as he didn't want a protracted divorce (for the sake of the dc) & assumed that his ex would eventually get a job & contribute to costs such as uni which she said she would, but surprise, surprise hasn't.
In the 8 years they have been divorced she had not gotten up off her arse ONCE to financially provide for her dc & despite all the above has regularly needed bailing out as fuel bills, car maintenance etc. doesn't get BUDGETED for.
I quite literally have NO time for women like this whose dc are in school & with no special needs, who believe it is their right to go on holidays & get their hair & nails done all on their exh's hard work & money - they are blood suckers of the highest order.
In the past I worked in a centre for teens with physical disabilities and/SN's & I had a lot of interaction with their parents. There were men & women coming in to collect their really challenging dc after working FULL days & facing into tough evenings at home with little sleep bar the two or so nights respite care they would get per month. None of these parents could afford not to work due to medical costs & in nearly every case both parents HAD to work.
This always came to mind when exdp's extremely entitled exw kicked off about her miserable lot on life - she didn't have a CLUE - same as many on here.
We live in the 21st century & where is it written that just because you once gave birth you can now sit back and do sfs for the rest of your days????
IF you choose to stay at home with dc that is your choice, but even in an intact family that will have financial implications. The problem with women like exdp's ex is that they want to stay home but don't want to live with the financially implications of that decision. Their attitude is not to BUDGET what they have but to EXPECT MORE when they run out - something that isn't even workable in intact families.
Louder for those at the back - money doesn't actually grow on trees & fathers do not merely exist to impregnate & then dish out endless cash.

This is the best and most accurate post I've ever read on these boards.

I was a single mum for many years and I worked my arse off to have a decent career to provide for my DD. And yes of course it was bloody hard. But there was not a chance in hell I'd have sat on my arse waiting for handouts from my ex (like DP's exW does)- I have much more self respect and pride than that.

Oh I have some lovely stories about exes and entitlement. But firstly, let me say, DO NOT pay her maintenance money from your pocket. She has no right to your money. Hopefully your dp will find a job quickly to be able to pay her again quickly.

My dhs ex has given me some great laughs over the last 12 years when it comes to the subject of maintenance/money in any form.

She approached my husband when we first moved in together and said that I should pay maintenance (on top of my husband) because she wanted to get a mortgage and his household had 2 incomes. She conveniently forgot her own house has 2 incomes too and that I have no financial responsibility towards her or her child.

My husband told me that when they were getting divorced she told him to make sure to sign saying he wouldn't claim any lottery wins etc from her. He text back and said, no problem, you remember to do the same. She absolutely flipped her lid and sent a ton of abuse saying why should she sign that?!!!

She asked my dh if he or I could be guarantor on her car loan. Other than the occasional text we don't speak to her. Hmmm I wonder why she'd want to do that?! Surely she wouldn't default her payments so dh and I had to pay them would she?! Of course that's why we were asked, and the stupid mare reckoned we wouldn't cotton on and tell her to go spin.

The most recent craziness came when she told my husband he needed to start sending her an extra 20 pounds a month so she could pay sd 40 pounds a month for doing dms chores like cleaning and ironing. Dh text back asking why on earth we would do that when they were chores for dm (not us) and the agreement was made with her. Her response was the usual barrage of abuse calling dh selfish and evil.

Honestly, if she wasn't so funny I'd actually feel sorry for her...