His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

He needs to get any job even if it's delivering newspapers and give her the money.

He shouldn’t be giving his ex all of the money he earns if he gets a little job. He has two children to support not just one.

@trustfhrgenie in which case I would say she just has to manage

@funinthesun19 morally if OP has enough money to cover them he should be giving it to his first child I think. That's just my opinion. I do agree with the point that she also needs to get a job if she hasn't got one and if she gets benefits she should be able to survive

@funinthesun19 morally if OP has enough money to cover them he should be giving it to his first child I think
It’s not his to give to anyone, it’s OPs money that’s she saved to cover her maternity leave.
So morally and legally if he touched it he would he in the wrong.

gottakeeponmovin but how do we know the ex doesn't have enough money to cover her household? We don't. We just know she's pissed off about the £450 per month stopping. If she's better off financially than the OP then by your logic the DP should use any money he might earn from his imaginary paper round to support his child with the OP, no?

morally if OP has enough money to cover them he should be giving it to his first child I think. That's just my opinion.
I disagree. He has an obligation towards both no matter which mum has more money in the bank. When an mum of the first child has lots of money, the dad still has to support his first child when the second child could really do with the money more. That’s just the way it is. So it should apply both ways. If he’s got money coming in it’s for both!

I do agree with the point that she also needs to get a job if she hasn't got one and if she gets benefits she should be able to survive

Agreed.

I don't think he should be giving her any of the OPs money. I meant if he gets a low paying job and OPs family can survive just fine without that money I would pass it over. That said I didn't realise maintenance wasn't included in income calcs in which case the ex should be able to manage without it until he finds another job. Both families are having to survive without his income so I think that is fair

@Schmooopy yes I do agree with that actually. I think I have changed my mind a bit

No doubt about it, she's a complete bumper to be behaving like this and I wouldn't be sending her any of my cash, or at least certainly not so that she knew it was mine.

But can someone tell me where it says she doesn't have a job? I can't see that mentioned, just plenty of assumptions that she doesn't.

Practically you can’t just decide to give someone else’s money away? It’s not his decision. So sentences that start “he should” are totally missing the point. He cannot. The only person that can give OP’s money away is OP.

I'd say you need to start court proceeding ASAP

Has the op said whether the ex works or not? If she has I’ve missed it. Not that it makes any difference to the op’s “obligations” towards maintenance either way.

But can someone tell me where it says she doesn't have a job? I can't see that mentioned, just plenty of assumptions that she doesn't
It’s a fair assumption that she might not work if she desperate enough to brass neck bullying and harassing a woman on maternity leave for money.

I think people might be assuming the ex doesn't work because OP's first post quotes the ex as saying "her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying."

What "poverty" actually means in this case is anyone's guess. I'd have thought though that if it was literal poverty then the last thing the mum would do is to block contact so the child was with her full time if she genuinely can't provide for her.

So this afternoon I returned from walking the dog to find my crackpot emerging from the downstairs attic in a McDonald's uniform circa 1993 that at best is 3 sizes too small and sporting an appendage drawn on in permanent marker that I'm pretty sure was never company approved. He was pleased as punch to announce his news that he got his old job back today... And that his uniform still fits... Apparently?!?! Yep he's off back to McDonald's where he started at the tender age of 16 and what's more his old girlfriend still works there, now married to his mate the manager who also never left so the gangs all back together and he's happy as a pig in poo without a care in the world for the first time in ages. He starts on Monday. He then rang maintenance and they need to do some bits and bobs and work it out properly but reckon he's going to be paying in the region of £100 - 120 per month hours depending. He then rang his ex told her in no uncertain terms that she will not be with holding contact and to present his child at the usual time on Friday and with clean clothes this time oh and to not panic because he hasn't actually missed a maintenance payment yet and that science lessons will resume again next week on time and she might want to have a think about her attitude towards me (that bit was totally unnecessary but made me glow a little inside) . It was quite sexy actually, he's never normally that forceful. I think I might make a baby tonight
I also noted that people have been trying to work our finances split and we only actually split the bills, gas, electricity, insurance etc went up when he moved in so so we split it down the middle, with a bit extra for food etc and then we pay our own cars, memberships etc separately. The mortgage is mine, I borrowed against my house to set up my practice a few years back and as the the business is mine and the payments on the house were practically all for the business I refused to allow him to pay half of that. Through fear of things getting messy if we ever did split in all honesty.
Also his ex does work, part time. Dp said she always refused to do more hours when they were together and she's still at the same place so who knows if more hours are still available or not.
Again thank you to everyone who has had some kind words of encouragement or advice today. I'd worked myself up into a bit of a state this morning. Time for a bath and a nice bottle of wine and a small prayer to any and all gods available to let my baby sleep long enough to at least enjoy one of them.

Glad he's got a job op, in this market that's pretty impressive tbh. So glad contact and maintenance are sorted and he stood up for you.
Buy that man a beer from me x

Op your posts make me laugh I had absolutely no idea what you were talking about in the first few lines of your recent comment until you said he’s got a job at McDonald’s. That’s really good! It’s obviously not earning as much as he was, but in this current climate it’s nothing to be sniffed at! So ex will still get maintenance after all.

So pleased to read your update, OP.

Forgot to say he has an appointment online tomorrow with a solicitor. He said today he felt awful for months for not saying anything about his finances sooner because he didn't want me to worry whilst I'm off work and he's been petrified of not being able to provide for his oldest like he deserves. He's a blithering bloody idiot but he's mine and I adore him. And yes, I'll be getting the beers in for him

What did ex have to say to all that?

Great update OP I definitely find a man who would do anything rather than nothing more attractive. A keeper there!

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

So this afternoon I returned from walking the dog to find my crackpot emerging from the downstairs attic in a McDonald's uniform circa 1993 that at best is 3 sizes too small and sporting an appendage drawn on in permanent marker that I'm pretty sure was never company approved. He was pleased as punch to announce his news that he got his old job back today... And that his uniform still fits... Apparently?!?! Yep he's off back to McDonald's where he started at the tender age of 16 and what's more his old girlfriend still works there, now married to his mate the manager who also never left so the gangs all back together and he's happy as a pig in poo without a care in the world for the first time in ages. He starts on Monday. He then rang maintenance and they need to do some bits and bobs and work it out properly but reckon he's going to be paying in the region of £100 - 120 per month hours depending. He then rang his ex told her in no uncertain terms that she will not be with holding contact and to present his child at the usual time on Friday and with clean clothes this time oh and to not panic because he hasn't actually missed a maintenance payment yet and that science lessons will resume again next week on time and she might want to have a think about her attitude towards me (that bit was totally unnecessary but made me glow a little inside) . It was quite sexy actually, he's never normally that forceful. I think I might make a baby tonight I also noted that people have been trying to work our finances split and we only actually split the bills, gas, electricity, insurance etc went up when he moved in so so we split it down the middle, with a bit extra for food etc and then we pay our own cars, memberships etc separately. The mortgage is mine, I borrowed against my house to set up my practice a few years back and as the the business is mine and the payments on the house were practically all for the business I refused to allow him to pay half of that. Through fear of things getting messy if we ever did split in all honesty. Also his ex does work, part time. Dp said she always refused to do more hours when they were together and she's still at the same place so who knows if more hours are still available or not. Again thank you to everyone who has had some kind words of encouragement or advice today. I'd worked myself up into a bit of a state this morning. Time for a bath and a nice bottle of wine and a small prayer to any and all gods available to let my baby sleep long enough to at least enjoy one of them.

I enjoyed your update, OP. Glad things are working out and your DP sounds pretty damn cool!

Good on him.

OP thanks for the mental image

Good for him!
Sending prayers to the baby gods for you

Use that money to get a solicitor and arrange contact that can't be broken on her whim