His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

@Youseethethingis

BUT you entered a relationship with a man that already has a child that he has an equal duty towards. I don’t think OP or anyone else has argued that he doesn’t have an equal duty to both children. As it happens, his children will be getting an equal share of £0 because that’s what he will have to share for now.

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it.

Whilst op's life he's been paying 50% of those associated costs for all this time. Way IEO £450.

So yes now, the ex will be down £450. But her child has always been the disadvantaged one financially in this situation and now will be more so.
If we took all that number of years that he's not had equitable, then yes the op should be offering them something on a moral level, given she has the funds to be a sahp for 2 years. And I don't say that lightly, as I did this as a lone parent, until my lo went to school. So understand her reasons. But neither should the older child be more impacted than hers will be.

I don't disagree but I think a step parent is more likely to support a step child than a woman supporting the child that her ex partner went on to have. The child is part of OP's family, her child isn't part of the ex partners family. Neither are obliged to support either child, but one is more likely than the other.

I agree that one might be more likely because one is actively involved with the other’s child. But I think my point is that one isn’t any more obliged to help the other.

I think both mums are equal in this scenario, and that nobody owes anybody anything just because of who they are.

Average maintenance payments are 12% of income, so I'm assuming he usually events upwards of 60k? In which case he should have savings and a contingency plan being such a high earner. I won't lie, I'm very jealous at the idea of £450 maintenance, I receive zero from my ex. My instinct was that the ex is being unreasonable, however if she has been used to that level of support for so long then this could be a sudden loss that could mean that she can't afford her rent or mortgage. He shouldn't go from paying it to zero, he should have a back up plan for the short term so she has time to either move house or get a new job in this situation. I do think in this situation you should offer to pay in the short term. Maybe 3 months of payments or until he finds a job at half the rate?

You have had a lot of responses some more helpful than others. We are in a pandemic he has already been made redundant once so she should of been prepared that there could be problems if he was out of work. Fundamentally contact and maintenance are not linked. One does not pay for the presence of the other. No, I don't think you should pay her are she will then constantly expect and drag you into the situation. Tell her the above about maintenance and contact and if she wants to take DH to court then say fine. But that you will also be keeping a diary of everything (which you need to do and go back to when this started, noting he has still be paying till now, even at a deficit) and keep everything to written, not telephone calls so all can be shown. The court would not be happy that she has withheld contact.

I’m assuming the arrangement OPs partner has/had doesn’t go through CMS because if he has 2 children and only one child is getting £450 a month he would be on quite a good salary. Which is possible but just pointing out if CMS was to get involved the mother of OPs partner child may get LESS.

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it.
It’s not supposed to be half of the ex’s life.
OP (I think?) hasn’t mentioned exact contact arrangements but, for example, we have a larger home than we would need without DSD to accommodate and that comes with a higher mortgage/council tax/bills too. You could go on forever down this road but assuming the ex contributes £450 to their child too, plus CB, that’s not a kick in the arse of £1000 of money per month to cover the child’s costs.
But still, splitting hairs or not 0 / 2 = 0.

@user686233 OP obviously has worked hard. It is not her responsibility to pay for someone else’s child.

It’s unreasonable and it’s not her problem I know that sounds harsh but it’s true.

OP could loose her job too who would support OPs child and pay her mortgage?

How entitled

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it. Whilst op's life he's been paying 50% of those associated costs for all this time. Way IEO £450. So yes now, the ex will be down £450. But her child has always been the disadvantaged one financially in this situation and now will be more so. If we took all that number of years that he's not had equitable, then yes the op should be offering them something on a moral level, given she has the funds to be a sahp for 2 years. And I don't say that lightly, as I did this as a lone parent, until my lo went to school. So understand her reasons. But neither should the older child be more impacted than hers will be.

What are you talking about? He pays half OPs bills because he lives there. Maintenance is not intended to cover half of his ex's rent, and even if it was I can't figure out how you could possibly have come to the conclusion that OP owes the ex because her partner pays half the bills in the house he lives in.

This thread is genually eyebrow raising. I can't belive the entitlement. Whatever anyone's opinion of the maintence system or nrp situation. Its isn't the ops circus and not her monkeys. She has no financial liability at all, same as she has no parental rights over stepchildren.
Her rights and obligations are to her own child, who is also losing a parental income from 1 parent.
Honestly op, ignore ignore ignore. No is a complete sentence.

@aSofaNearYou

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it. Whilst op's life he's been paying 50% of those associated costs for all this time. Way IEO £450. So yes now, the ex will be down £450. But her child has always been the disadvantaged one financially in this situation and now will be more so. If we took all that number of years that he's not had equitable, then yes the op should be offering them something on a moral level, given she has the funds to be a sahp for 2 years. And I don't say that lightly, as I did this as a lone parent, until my lo went to school. So understand her reasons. But neither should the older child be more impacted than hers will be.

What are you talking about? He pays half OPs bills because he lives there. Maintenance is not intended to cover half of his ex's rent, and even if it was I can't figure out how you could possibly have come to the conclusion that OP owes the ex because her partner pays half the bills in the house he lives in.

Bit it should and morally the father should be paying half the real costs of having a child, not 12%of income!

@Daisypaisy2
If op lost her job too, then once they were at the point of eligible for benefits, the mother of older child would get £28 a month. Out of the JOINT CLAIM.

Bit it should and morally the father should be paying half the real costs of having a child, not 12%of income!
That could mean anything at all in terms of pounds in pockets.
The DP seems to have been paying this amount even after a wage drop following his first redundancy and got himself into debt to keep that level so we can probably guess he was paying more than 12%.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too.

This 💯

Plus when will people take into account that the maintainable isn’t all a an involved father will be paying towards their child?
My DSD certainly costs us a good few hundred pounds a month just in increased bills before clothes/food/toiletries and sundries are accounted for.
On top of the maintenance, which he pays at way of over the CMS level which is generally not that generous as we all know.

@aSofaNearYou

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it. Whilst op's life he's been paying 50% of those associated costs for all this time. Way IEO £450. So yes now, the ex will be down £450. But her child has always been the disadvantaged one financially in this situation and now will be more so. If we took all that number of years that he's not had equitable, then yes the op should be offering them something on a moral level, given she has the funds to be a sahp for 2 years. And I don't say that lightly, as I did this as a lone parent, until my lo went to school. So understand her reasons. But neither should the older child be more impacted than hers will be.

What are you talking about? He pays half OPs bills because he lives there. Maintenance is not intended to cover half of his ex's rent, and even if it was I can't figure out how you could possibly have come to the conclusion that OP owes the ex because her partner pays half the bills in the house he lives in.

If we're going to split hairs here, the £450 a month is most definitely not HALF of the running costs of the ex and sons home and lives though is it.

Whilst op's life he's been paying 50% of those associated costs for all this time. Way IEO £450.

So yes now, the ex will be down £450. But her child has always been the disadvantaged one financially in this situation and now will be more so.
If we took all that number of years that he's not had equitable, then yes the op should be offering them something on a moral level, given she has the funds to be a sahp for 2 years. And I don't say that lightly, as I did this as a lone parent, until my lo went to school. So understand her reasons. But neither should the older child be more impacted than hers will be.

This is crazy. This father is not liable to pay half of all the expenses of 'his ex and son's home and lives'!!

He is expected to contribute 50% of his son's expenses only, which leaves the ex to contribute the other 50% and also to cover her own expenses.

He is not doing OP a favour by paying more into their household, he is paying for the roof over his own head. So he SHOULD be contributing more to his & OP's pot because he's again putting in 50% for his younger child and then covering himself as well.

AND he will also be covering his older son's expenses for the time he is with them, which people often forget. Someone still has to pay for him there too!

@MotherExtraordinaire

Bit it should and morally the father should be paying half the real costs of having a child, not 12%of income!

But he also has this child and pays expenses for him on his own time?

You are talking as if the mum is 100% liable for every expense at all times, when actually this dad will also be covering lots of costs for his son when they are together, on top of paying maintenance.

And OP has already stated that he was paying well over the minimum required, even when his wages were reduced. He continued to pay over what he could afford and used up his savings this way!

He has been doing his best but the poor bloke has lost his job!!

@hellasciously

No you do not pay maintenance money for his child. You will never be forced too. But £450 loss a month will be a big hit for his ex, he needs to find a job ASAP.

How about she gets a job? The kid is 11.

Does she work op? Certainly do not pay her a penny. Help your dp pay to take her to court for access though if you're so inclined.

Just when you think you've seen it all on here, now an NRP not only needs to cover their own living expenses including the additional costs associated with accommodating their child at their own home, but should also pay half of the total running costs for the RP's home and life as well?

I've seen some absolute claptrap posted on these boards over the years but this one is jaw dropping.

Why do people insist on projecting the despicable behaviour of their own deadbeat exes who don't see or pay for their DC onto situations that are clearly different?

Bit it should and morally the father should be paying half the real costs of having a child, not 12%of income!

He does not morally need to pay half her rent! He morally should pay half of the child's expenses, which is a room in a house, plus food etc. There is no moral shortfall OP needs to pay because he pays more to live in his own house with her fgs.

Bloody hell. I wish I'd ever got £450 per month in maintenance from my ex for our one child. Actually no I don't because I have a job and an income of my own, and some pride. Maybe the ex wife should have a think about getting herself a job instead of relying on her ex husband to keep her in the manner to which she's become accustomed. (Disclaimer, I'm not saying that father's should not contribute towards bringing up their children. But as many have already pointed out, he has zero income right now. It shouldn't all be on him. And it most definitely SHOULD NOT be on his new partner who has no financial responsibility towards the child).

Has it been said somewhere that the child's mum doesn't work? I must have missed that bit. Why doesn't she work?!

I love the insinuation that the OP’s DP might not look for a job. I mean none of you know him and we are in the middle of a pandemic. It’s crap yes but the ex would be in a similar situation in terms of financial implications. Give the poor bloke a chance to sort himself out! Don’t pay the ex it’s not the responsibility of anyone other than the parents.

@MotherExtraordinaire why on earth do you think he needs to pay for 50% of his ex's outgoings??

Whilst I totally agree demanding that you pay is wrong by the same token he has a responsibility to that child. He needs to get any job even if it's delivering newspapers and give her the money. You shouldn't pay anything but my concern is that all the time he can rely on you for financial support the child is the one that suffers. Can she not apply for some benefits on the basis of the fact he has lost his job?

@gottakeeponmovin

Whilst I totally agree demanding that you pay is wrong by the same token he has a responsibility to that child. He needs to get any job even if it's delivering newspapers and give her the money. You shouldn't pay anything but my concern is that all the time he can rely on you for financial support the child is the one that suffers. Can she not apply for some benefits on the basis of the fact he has lost his job?

Maintenance isn't taken account for benefits. If she's eligible she'll get them, if she's not she's not. He could pay her 100k a month and shed still get them if entitled

Can she not apply for some benefits on the basis of the fact he has lost his job?

Or better yet... get a job herself.