His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

Bingo!

ODFOD. There is absolutely no need to use that term. The difference between mum and step mum is perfectly clear. The children concerned have not been abandoned by either parent, they are not in care, nor have they been adopted. It is a term used to put mum in her place and you well know it.

the professionally offended are out!

@DifficultBloodyWoman

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too.

This. What a horrible person she is.....threatening no contact I'd you don't pay. You don't have to.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

Wow, I've just logged in to help sc (do we say step child or dear step child?) with science lesson/homework project that's been ongoing for weeks and am all prepped to have a little explosion and likely large fire in my kitchen and was met with a tirade of profanities and I'm blocked until someone (me) stumps up some cash, I'm so glad teams has a recording function. Not only is contact being stopped with dad but now sc can't have help with a subject that they were hating and finding really difficult until I started doing experiment along with me's including dropping the materials off on the door step in the mornings. There are lots of things that I've had my eyes opened up to this last couple of days but a mother taking a learning opportunity away from a child just disgusts me to my core. Education is how we solve everything!!!!! My dp is just broken, my partner sugested this morning that we put him on the payroll as a cleaner a couple of hours a week but I have a feeling that won't be enough to placate her and will just end up costing me more in processing the wages.

OP, don't do this.

Your DP can't be railroaded like this. If he is doing his best to find a new job then that's all he can do. His ex has no right to blackmail him using contact. Taking a job that isn't sufficient to cover his costs is just counter-productive and will take up time he could be using to apply/interview for suitable roles.

To be quite honest, in your shoes I'd rather lend him the money to take her to court and get a contact order in place than give in to her demands. Her behaviour in this scenario shows that she could turn on him and withhold contact at any point if she doesn't get her own way.

Circumstances change, that's all that's happened here. Nobody has a guaranteed income for life. Why should YOU have to not only lose your DP's financial input into your own household but also, on top of that, be £450 worse off every month to keep his ex in her current situation so she doesn't have to face the reality that your and your DP are having to?

I wouldn't pay her a penny, she sounds awful.

From memory my friends ex used to claim benefits and she got the princely sum of £5 a week for two DC.

And no OP does not in any shape or form owe child maintenance to her DP’s ex. If the DP didn’t live with OP he’d still not be paying over £400 a month in maintenance whilst he had no job. I suspect OP is already absorbing a lot of financial shortfall from her DP in order for him the be able to make £450 monthly CM payments.

OP is not responsible for her DP’s child with ex in the same way the ex would never be expected to make a financial contribution to OP’s child.

Currently the DP is not able to meet either of his children’s financial needs as he has no job. No DC is benefitting at the cost of the other.

Sometimes it happens. Regardless of the family set up.

That’s like me saying I’m subsidising DH’s exes new husband because my DH pays maintenance which comes out of he family pot

Erm....maintenance is based on what a NRP earns - legally at least, I accept that may not always be the case and many NRP pay more than they are legally obliged to do. It comes out of wages before the NRP's money is placed into any family 'pot'. I accept over and above may well impact family pots but it is rare that a new partner is actually using her money to support her partner's child.

Assuming the new husband is working, then he is paying his way. You can't suggest anyone there is subidising anyone else.

Someone who contributes fuck all to a household, expects her child to be supported by her new partner (it is not his child, to be clear) at the expense of maintenance being paid to her partner's children and then has the audacity to tell the children concerned that their mother is a 'fucking money grabbing bitch' is taking the piss. And any money that should be paid towards her partner's children is supporting her lifestyle. Indirectly, I am also supporting that lifestyle because I pay for everything for our children and ensure that they don't go without.

Why would you argue in favour of someone like that? Because she's a step mum?

The thing what I don’t like and it’s a recurring theme on these threads, is both children are losing out from financial support from their father. BUT, only one is seen as important and their income must not be affected and another woman must actually step in when she has her own household to see to and rebudget for in order to support. Then someone throws out the poverty line as a way to get the stepmum to comply.

Yes exactly and we don't know what the ex's financial position is or how much she's actually affected by this.

My ex hasn't paid maintenance in 12 years. As far as I'm concerned, I have subsidised his lifestyle and that of his non-working partner. Apparently I'm a lazy bitch and a money grabber. I work three jobs and no money has ever come my way! She's a bit of an embaressment really. My kids take the piss out of her when they think I'm not listening.

So your ex doesn't pay maintenance but you are slagging off the new partner?? Maybe you should tell your children off when they do that and set a better example.

I agree with everyone else op that you shouldn't pay. What I think your DP should do is offer to do full time childcare while he's out of work so that the mother of his DC can work without paying for after school clubs etc. So potentially reducing her costs.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo
I get that legally you don't have to pay the maintenance. I also fully get that in an ideal world a resident parent shouldn't rely on the maintenance to be able to live.
BUT you entered a relationship with a man that already has a child that he has an equal duty towards. Whether or not to date you've kept finances separately is irrelevant really. You're a UNIT. With responsibilities towards the child, not the ex.
The ex is behaving abysmally. And as frequently happens children become a pay per view pawn in their parents wars.
As a new woman you'll always be the bad "ow" whether you were around before or after the split. It will always feel as though her child is the poor relative.
I would, give one more maintenance payment as your oh presumably will get the last salary packet. Explaining that moving on from that point, as he has a nil income, there will be no payments and this is inline with the CMS guidelines. However, as soon as he gets an income he will pay the correct percentage of this income moving forward. However, if she opts to continue to hold the child to ransom, that you will seek a child arrangement order seeking the resident parent status with her having limited contact as a direct result of the parental alienation which you have evidence of. She doesn't need to know that you don't!

Op do not give in to this absolute twat of a woman, she has proved here that the kids are not her motivation here, stopping contact is a slight against her child as well as her ex.

Use your money to take her to court, and if you recorded her screaming all that, bloody use it against her.

Children are not pay per view, redundancy is shit but it is happening to more people than ever and it is clear your partner is not taking the piss here.

the professionally offended are out!

No love, you know nothing of me and my ex. But I will tell you that my ex attempted to remove my children from my care and stop me seeing them because it amused him to see me struggle and upset. And I will also tell you that his lovely new partner told my children that 'I am your mummy now' and that when I queried this because of the upset it had caused, I was referred to, in official paperwork I might add, as 'just the birth mum'.

Next time someone tries to remove you from your children's lives, please do enlighten us as to how that might feel and why some terms might cause some upset and distress to others.

It is difficult because you and your DP are a team, so it's natural for you to want to solve his problems. However, this is one thing that is 100% his responsibility and you need to stop yourself from getting involved.

Even if you sent her money she wouldn't be grateful, she would just see it as her right. Support your DP in finding a new job, that should be the extent of your input here.

[quote Youseethethingis]@Lorieandrews
Some dads do actually pay over the minimum amount and pay for a house big enough for their DC to have bedrooms and frequent overnights. I refuse to believe my DH is the only one.[/quote]
Of course they do but the reality is that many can't afford to, especially where they've made the choice to pay more than CMS so that their child can have a better life in the place they spend most of their time.

That's the case for my OH.

@Watchingbehindmyhands

That’s like me saying I’m subsidising DH’s exes new husband because my DH pays maintenance which comes out of he family pot

Erm....maintenance is based on what a NRP earns - legally at least, I accept that may not always be the case and many NRP pay more than they are legally obliged to do. It comes out of wages before the NRP's money is placed into any family 'pot'. I accept over and above may well impact family pots but it is rare that a new partner is actually using her money to support her partner's child.

Assuming the new husband is working, then he is paying his way. You can't suggest anyone there is subidising anyone else.

Someone who contributes fuck all to a household, expects her child to be supported by her new partner (it is not his child, to be clear) at the expense of maintenance being paid to her partner's children and then has the audacity to tell the children concerned that their mother is a 'fucking money grabbing bitch' is taking the piss. And any money that should be paid towards her partner's children is supporting her lifestyle. Indirectly, I am also supporting that lifestyle because I pay for everything for our children and ensure that they don't go without.

Why would you argue in favour of someone like that? Because she's a step mum?

he's subsidising her, you're not. He's not paying for his child, which is totally wrong, but the problem here is with him, not her. You should be angry with him, not her. You are in a round about way subsiding HIM not her.

Your dp needs to get a court order for access to his dc, it's not up to you to support other peoples children, cf.

It does seem to be a case of I'm all right Jack. Of course he must taķe into consideration the needs of his other child. But it doesn't mean handing over the £450 a month which seems quite generous. Let the CSA decide what he should pay and let his ex do her worst.,

She sounds like a right bitch.

Tell her to come back when you've got a DNA result.

Can we stop calling the ex things like greedy and entitled? I don't agree with her looking to the OP for cash, but she has a child and she expects that child's other parent to pay his share. Which he isn't.

OP talking about their lovely, financially comfortable life with their new baby is rather dismissive of the fact that he already had a baby, and is not making their life lovely and comfortable.
He needs to claim whatever he can and then get a job. Any job. He needs to pay for his children.

BUT you entered a relationship with a man that already has a child that he has an equal duty towards.
I don’t think OP or anyone else has argued that he doesn’t have an equal duty to both children.
As it happens, his children will be getting an equal share of £0 because that’s what he will have to share for now.

@SushiSoozie

Can we stop calling the ex things like greedy and entitled? I don't agree with her looking to the OP for cash, but she has a child and she expects that child's other parent to pay his share. Which he isn't.

OP talking about their lovely, financially comfortable life with their new baby is rather dismissive of the fact that he already had a baby, and is not making their life lovely and comfortable.
He needs to claim whatever he can and then get a job. Any job. He needs to pay for his children.

But she is being greedy and entitled asking op to pay for her child, isn't she?

Sorry how is op being dismissive? And how do you know the ex isn't similarly comfortable?

That's a sad story but they're just words.

His child doesn’t stop needing food, clothing, and shelter just because he isn’t working. If your partner wasn’t living with you, he would have to find a way to support himself ASAP. Because he is with you, he has a buffer for keeping himself fed and housed and less urgency to get employment that will provide for his child..

Now this really has nothing to do with you as long as you aren’t asking him to be a stay at home parent. You aren’t expected to pay his bills.

So your ex doesn't pay maintenance but you are slagging off the new partner??

My ex’s ex wife used to do this. I was there wanting him to pay it and a times forcing him to pay it and I was the one who got the blame when he didn’t. Far too easy to direct the anger at the dad’s partner isn’t it? Now he’s on his own and neither of us get anything for our children. Maybe now she sees the situation for what it was, or still deludes herself that I was to blame when he didn’t pay it.
Funnily enough she’s actually cool about the £0.00 a month she gets now, after kicking up such a stink about money when we were together! And thankfully I can just leave them both to it now drama free.

BUT you entered a relationship with a man that already has a child that he has an equal duty towards. Whether or not to date you've kept finances separately is irrelevant really. You're a UNIT. With responsibilities towards the child, not the ex.

How did you make that leap of logic? Of course it's relevant that they have separate finances. There isn't one definition of what being a "unit" means, and having separate finances means that they are not a unit when it comes to finances. She doesn't have any responsibility towards the ex OR the child.

@GlowingOrb

His child doesn’t stop needing food, clothing, and shelter just because he isn’t working. If your partner wasn’t living with you, he would have to find a way to support himself ASAP. Because he is with you, he has a buffer for keeping himself fed and housed and less urgency to get employment that will provide for his child..

Now this really has nothing to do with you as long as you aren’t asking him to be a stay at home parent. You aren’t expected to pay his bills.

hed get benefits, and his ex would get her share of 7 quid a week, and remember hes got another child so, 3.50?

i doubt he has any less urgency somehow with his horrible ex stopping contact - i assume he realises how much he needs to get a job!