His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

If he is unable to meet his obligations and needs to make some financial contribution for his child you should give him the money so he continues to pay her and make clear he makes no ref to you. I'd also keep a record so that he can pay you back. I would suggest checking contributions on CPA website as I know it isn't as much as she's asking for. I have a stepchild who is grown up now and get that your dp in different circumstances would pay more but as it stands he should attempt to pay the minimum required if he can.

If OP gives him the money then she is the one paying it, not him meeting the minimum requirement. Why should she do this?

@Watchingbehindmyhands

Whilst on the subject of double standards, can YOU answer whether you would expect the mum to pay towards OPs child, if OP didn't have a job and she did?

My ex hasn't paid maintenance in 12 years. As far as I'm concerned, I have subsidised his lifestyle and that of his non-working partner. Apparently I'm a lazy bitch and a money grabber. I work three jobs and no money has ever come my way! She's a bit of an embaressment really. My kids take the piss out of her when they think I'm not listening.

How exactly are you subsidising his job working partner?

Her attitude is appalling, but it is a lot of money to be down every month, so she may just be reacting off the cuff. If you can afford it I would suggest to your DP that you will loan him a certain % of the maintenance every month, just so his child doesn't go short.

I don't think the ex earning well changes anything in respect of the ex still needs to be supporting his children. We see countless 'the ex earns more than we do put together and her husband is a millionaire so why should we pay maintenance?' threads. The answer is very simple: regardless of how wealthy (or not) the ex may be, you have a legal responsiblity to support your child financial to a legally (pah!) enforceable level. End of.

In this case, the NRP is earning nothing so nothing is legally enforceable. It may cause problems for the children but there is nothing to be done until a new job is secured.

"However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?"

You’re not. You’re flattering yourself.

@jamesfailedmarshmallows

Her attitude is appalling, but it is a lot of money to be down every month, so she may just be reacting off the cuff. If you can afford it I would suggest to your DP that you will loan him a certain % of the maintenance every month, just so his child doesn't go short.

What about ops child? Who's going to sub him money to pay for that one?

How exactly are you subsidising his job working partner?

Non working is what I said.

So yes, any money that should be supporting our children is going towards supporting her and her child with another man. She can't claim benefits because she lives with my ex. She has cut ties with her family because they don't like my ex (at least, that's how it seems to have panned out) and hasn't worked since she met my ex. Her ex partner doesn't pay maintenance either - although the irony of fact my ex rants about this in front of our children is not lost on them.

So how is my household not subsidising that household when I pay for every single last thing for our children? Why is that my sole responsibility?

Wrong quote above, meant:-

My ex hasn't paid maintenance in 12 years. As far as I'm concerned, I have subsidised his lifestyle and that of his non-working partner. Apparently I'm a lazy bitch and a money grabber. I work three jobs and no money has ever come my way! She's a bit of an embaressment really. My kids take the piss out of her when they think I'm not listening.

And that he will be keeping a record of any abusive messages.

Any abusive messages from his ex directly to the OP should be reported to the police. It is up to her DP whether he informs his ex before hand that this will happen.

The OP has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between her DP and his ex. The OP is a stranger to her DP's ex.

It may take the police and/or the Courts to explain this to her DP's ex so the ex understand this and repercussions of continuing to harass and/or abuse a stranger

Wow, I've just logged in to help sc (do we say step child or dear step child?) with science lesson/homework project that's been ongoing for weeks and am all prepped to have a little explosion and likely large fire in my kitchen and was met with a tirade of profanities and I'm blocked until someone (me) stumps up some cash, I'm so glad teams has a recording function. Not only is contact being stopped with dad but now sc can't have help with a subject that they were hating and finding really difficult until I started doing experiment along with me's including dropping the materials off on the door step in the mornings. There are lots of things that I've had my eyes opened up to this last couple of days but a mother taking a learning opportunity away from a child just disgusts me to my core. Education is how we solve everything!!!!! My dp is just broken, my partner sugested this morning that we put him on the payroll as a cleaner a couple of hours a week but I have a feeling that won't be enough to placate her and will just end up costing me more in processing the wages.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway... My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business? I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

Surely he’d of had to of had a quite well paid job to be paying £450 a month?? That’s quite a lot. I take it his child never stayed over either?

@Watchingbehindmyhands so you’re contributing to her children?

No?

Well you’re not subsidising her.

If your ex paid maintenance would you consider yourself subsidised by her?

OP please take a step back. This will consume you if you let it. It’s for your OH and BM to resolve. Please don’t carry this burden.

I wouldn’t pay though. It’s nothing to do with you.

I would however immediately start court proceedings and go to mediation.

@LetMeOut2021

OP please take a step back. This will consume you if you let it. It’s for your OH and BM to resolve. Please don’t carry this burden.

Agree with this, and I know it’s hard as you clearly care for your SC and partner

Yes, I am subsidising her lifestyle and that of her child. Directly? No. Indirectly, absolutely.

As usual, new partners defended to the hilt, even when their behaviour is reprehensible.

It’s for your OH and BM to resolve

It's for the Birth Dad and the Birth Mum to resolve, you mean?

What you can do is be there for him, support his efforts, be on his side and help him know it’s not his fault he’s being forced into this battle. It sounds like you are, but he’ll be feeling awful

@Watchingbehindmyhands

Yes, I am subsidising her lifestyle and that of her child. Directly? No. Indirectly, absolutely.

As usual, new partners defended to the hilt, even when their behaviour is reprehensible.

That’s like me saying I’m subsidising DH’s exes new husband because my DH pays maintenance which comes out of he family pot. I’m not.

@Lorieandrews
Some dads do actually pay over the minimum amount and pay for a house big enough for their DC to have bedrooms and frequent overnights. I refuse to believe my DH is the only one.

@Watchingbehindmyhands

It’s for your OH and BM to resolve

It's for the Birth Dad and the Birth Mum to resolve, you mean?

Bingo!

@Watchingbehindmyhands I get what you're saying about subsidising your ex's partner which I agree is true in a roundabout way. £x amount of your ex's income should be given to you but instead is kept by your ex' house. I don;t think anyone on this thread would say he wasn't an arsehole for not paying what's due?

Thing is your situation is in no way comparable to OP's because your ex is withholding his income from you and your child. OP's partner through no fault of his own has no income to withhold.

[quote Youseethethingis]@Lorieandrews
Some dads do actually pay over the minimum amount and pay for a house big enough for their DC to have bedrooms and frequent overnights. I refuse to believe my DH is the only one.[/quote]
He’s not. Some of us see both of those as responsibilities and have gone without other things to ensure that both are in place

@Watchingbehindmyhands

How exactly are you subsidising his job working partner?

Non working is what I said.

So yes, any money that should be supporting our children is going towards supporting her and her child with another man. She can't claim benefits because she lives with my ex. She has cut ties with her family because they don't like my ex (at least, that's how it seems to have panned out) and hasn't worked since she met my ex. Her ex partner doesn't pay maintenance either - although the irony of fact my ex rants about this in front of our children is not lost on them.

So how is my household not subsidising that household when I pay for every single last thing for our children? Why is that my sole responsibility?

I miss typed. You're not supporting her are you?

And her not working is none of your business and affects your household not one bit. Why is what she's done reprehensible?

[quote Youseethethingis]@Lorieandrews
Some dads do actually pay over the minimum amount and pay for a house big enough for their DC to have bedrooms and frequent overnights. I refuse to believe my DH is the only one.[/quote]
Same here. We've always had a big enough house for dss.