His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

I would simply reply:

‘It is not my responsibility to pay for your child. His father will resume maintenance when he is employed again.
I need to make you aware that stopping contact because he can’t pay maintenance is emotionally abusive and in these times where (child’s name) already is missing out on a lot of his life I don’t think it’s appropriate to punish him for something nobody had control of’.

I would also relay that you will be keeping the message as proof of unreasonable behaviour and you’re giving her 48hours to reconsider what she is threatening.

My mum stopped me seeing my dad in a similar situation at that age.
It has fucked my head up long term I am now non contact with her. Have been for over 8 years.

Can we stop calling the ex things like greedy and entitled? I don't agree with her looking to the OP for cash, but she has a child and she expects that child's other parent to pay his share. Which he isn't.

But she is being entitled, because she's not asking him, she's demanding it of OP.

Greedy might not be the right word because she's not looking for anything lavish, but entitled certainly is.

Can we stop calling the ex things like greedy and entitled? I don't agree with her looking to the OP for cash, but she has a child and she expects that child's other parent to pay his share. Which he isn't.

The man has always paid more than his fair share. He literally just lost his job and his ex has gone mad, threatened to withhold access and is verbally abusing OP - it's not like this has been dragging on for months and she's at her wits' end.

Surely the ex needs to have some level of understanding that he's been made redundant and therefore TEMPORARILY she may have to cover some extra expenses for their child while he finds a new job??

OP talking about their lovely, financially comfortable life with their new baby is rather dismissive of the fact that he already had a baby, and is not making their life lovely and comfortable.

But it sounds like OP's comfortable life comes from her own earnings, not from her DP's. He was paying over what he legally needed to so he WAS making his older child's life comfortable.

He needs to claim whatever he can and then get a job. Any job. He needs to pay for his children.

Tbh it doesn't sound like his ex would be happy with him scrabbling up whatever he could give her. Sounds like she has factored £450 in as a permanent contribution and she expects that to be paid, even if it's by OP.

Most people have a level of income that they need to earn to cover their expenses. OP's DP has to pay his share of his household expenses, as well as contributing towards his older son - he probably isn't in a position to just get any old job.

OP, you and your partner's ex are in roughly the same position. You each have a child with a man who is currently unemployed. You have solved your problem by having savings and a freelance option. You did not look to anyone else to solve your problem.

The ex is an adult; she much like you needs to solve her problem without looking to you to become her savior.

Whatever you and your partner decide to do should in no way be related to her expectations of you. You did not create any lives with her ,and it is unacceptable for her to expect you to step in and solve the problem. She can and should expect your partner to solve the issue if his missing contribution, but that should be an issue for the 2 of them to resolve.

I am of the opinion that both men and women should not become parents if they lack both the ability and willingness to fully support the lives that they are creating.

Sometimes things happen over which we have no control, but in the main , if you alone cannot support a child , it is irresponsible in my opinion to consider having the child. At any point in time, you may be called upon to become the sole source of support for that child.

L

[quote Youseethethingis]@Lorieandrews
Some dads do actually pay over the minimum amount and pay for a house big enough for their DC to have bedrooms and frequent overnights. I refuse to believe my DH is the only one.[/quote]
Fair play!

My friends ex does. But for one child he pays about £370. I thought that was good

I’m so incredibly glad to see I’m very wrong!

These threads always turn into discussion based in assumption that the guy us going to be out if a job for many months.

The last similar thread, it was indeed the case because the OP and her OH had agreed that he would become sahd because it suited both of them.

In this instance, surely any discussion to be should be about how much he is putting in to get another job, any job because he has children and a duty to support both if them.

Times are difficult but there is no excuse for an educated, intelligent man to not find another job within months.

In the meantime, he gives all or half his has payment.

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

I can't see what he's done wrong either? Have I somehow miscommunicated in my early morning ramblings? We have a great relationship, no real problems with his child (dc or dsc?) our baby is an absolute joy to behold and we are pretty sorted financially, granted we are comfier when he's working or I'm working but if it comes to it I can go back to work and not have to pay out for cover.

No your OP was extremely clear. DP has done nothing "wrong" - he's been made redundant. ExW is entitled and deluded if she thinks it now becomes your responsibility to subsidise his maintenance. DP's exW tried this one with us - when they sum he was paying wasn't to her liking (despite it being the CMS calculated amount), she made a fool of herself by demanding the CMS took into account my (much higher) income. They presumably laughed at her. She's never raised it again since. CMS has nothing to do with you and I wouldn't feel any obligation to her - but as others have said if she's effectively now blackmailing your DP in terms of withholding contact, court may be his only option, which you may or may not be in a position to support him with financially.

@Watchingbehindmyhands

the professionally offended are out!

No love, you know nothing of me and my ex. But I will tell you that my ex attempted to remove my children from my care and stop me seeing them because it amused him to see me struggle and upset. And I will also tell you that his lovely new partner told my children that 'I am your mummy now' and that when I queried this because of the upset it had caused, I was referred to, in official paperwork I might add, as 'just the birth mum'.

Next time someone tries to remove you from your children's lives, please do enlighten us as to how that might feel and why some terms might cause some upset and distress to others.

Maybe start your own thread rather than making irrational projections on another.

Can we stop calling the ex things like greedy and entitled? I don't agree with her looking to the OP for cash, but she has a child and she expects that child's other parent to pay his share. Which he isn't.

To expect the OP to pay for her child (not to mention threads of withholding contact if she doesn't) is indeed entitled. No two ways about that.

*threats, not threads

OP I hope you have the threats of parental alienation from DSC mother in writing or recorded as the Courts take a very dim view of such behaviour. If she does attempt this there is plenty of advice on parental alienation on the internet for fathers and lots of steps he can take.

Personally I would have thought having DSC more often would help alleviate her financial burden, rather than less often. You are already going to be subsidising your DP so he has a roof over his head and food in, I certainly would not be subsiding any further. How about suggest DSC comes to live with you in the meantime as a way of helping out. It seems she doesn't understand the new situation impacts all of you not just her. Ultimately it is her problem that she had no financial contingency plan for a change in her ex partners financial situation.

*Op do not give in to this absolute twat of a woman, she has proved here that the kids are not her motivation here, stopping contact is a slight against her child as well as her ex.

Use your money to take her to court, and if you recorded her screaming all that, bloody use it against her.

Children are not pay per view, redundancy is shit but it is happening to more people than ever and it is clear your partner is not taking the piss here.*

All of this.

This is one of those threads that makes me want to bang my head off a wall.
The dm is TOTALLY in the wrong here & I cannot deal with those defending her and expecting the op to entertain the demands of this woman.
The dm is in the wrong for many reasons:

1. op has no legal obligation to provide for her sdc.
2. morally, the dm is flogging a man who kept paying her despite him losing his well paid job & then having to take a lower paid one, & she's doing this in the middle of a bloody pandemic.
3. she is emotionally blackmailing her ex which will be very damaging for her dc & is basically using her dc as a bargaining chip for cash which is DISGUSTING behaviour & anyone condoning that also has no morals.

It is a parent’s responsibility to provide for their children.

It is also a parent’s responsibility to support contact with non resident parents (where it is in the child’s best interest)

Your DP clearly didn’t not plan to lose his job, but these things do happen and the shortfall must be made up somewhere. I’m guessing that some of that £450 goes towards his ex providing a family home and those costs do not suddenly vanish overnight because he lost his job. I am presuming that he does not have savings to bridge the period whilst he is out of work, and is assuming she will have savings which she will have to use to bridge it for him.

I can see why she might be a bit pissed off.

She is, however, completely out of order to stop contact and to ask you to make up for her ex’s lack of savings.

If he now has 2 children the maintenance will go down from £450 for his child with his ex. That could give you some leverage that if the ex goes to the CSA the amount will be reassessed and reduced for evermore.

Your DP clearly didn’t not plan to lose his job, but these things do happen and the shortfall must be made up somewhere. I’m guessing that some of that £450 goes towards his ex providing a family home and those costs do not suddenly vanish overnight because he lost his job. I am presuming that he does not have savings to bridge the period whilst he is out of work, and is assuming she will have savings which she will have to use to bridge it for him.

You are of course, completely correct but what seems to be consistently missed is that all of that is true for OP too.

Take the ex to court for visitation and record absolutely EVERYTHING. Communicate EVERYTHING in writing, even if it seems insignificant.

@LetMeOut2021

Your DP clearly didn’t not plan to lose his job, but these things do happen and the shortfall must be made up somewhere. I’m guessing that some of that £450 goes towards his ex providing a family home and those costs do not suddenly vanish overnight because he lost his job. I am presuming that he does not have savings to bridge the period whilst he is out of work, and is assuming she will have savings which she will have to use to bridge it for him.

You are of course, completely correct but what seems to be consistently missed is that all of that is true for OP too.

Exactly this.

OP also has the shortfall of losing her DP's contributions. To expect her to add to that deficit by paying money to her partner's ex is totally unfair.

Depending on her situation, ex needs to get whatever help she can from the government, up her work hours, or else reach out to her own family to help her in the interim while ex finds a job.

OP has enough on her plate supporting the daily needs of herself, her DP, her child AND paying for the roof over their heads.

@LetMeOut2021

Your DP clearly didn’t not plan to lose his job, but these things do happen and the shortfall must be made up somewhere. I’m guessing that some of that £450 goes towards his ex providing a family home and those costs do not suddenly vanish overnight because he lost his job. I am presuming that he does not have savings to bridge the period whilst he is out of work, and is assuming she will have savings which she will have to use to bridge it for him.

You are of course, completely correct but what seems to be consistently missed is that all of that is true for OP too.

I totally agree. That was why I also said she was completely out of order to stop contact and to ask you to make up for her ex’s lack of savings

I don’t know if this has been said as I’ve not read the whole thread but if DP has contributed enough through NI in the last 2 tax years he will be entitled to claim contribution based benefits; it is not means tested and entitlement is for 6 months. Granted, it is not a lot of money (about £70 per week) but he may be able to use that to pay some maintenance and soften the blow whilst he sorts another job?

warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot

Fuck me, I couldnt get past this sentence. I cant say that thought has ever occured to me and now I feel sick

I am presuming that he does not have savings to bridge the period whilst he is out of work, and is assuming she will have savings which she will have to use to bridge it for him.

I don't think he probably assumed she has savings, but he just has to tell her that he can't pay at the moment due to no job. We might literally be talking one month's missed payment here, with any luck.

Also, we don't know the ex's financial situation. Lots assuming the child will be plunged into poverty or homelessness - surely if that was genuinely the case the dad wouldn't have shot down the idea of OP paying so quickly, he may even have asked her to cover his contributions himself?

Fight back, if she withholds contact you will seek to get a legal order in place to stop her using her child as a weapon (i hate parents who do that). Also if she dies that then when your other half goes back to work he will put then maintenance through the CSA and he will pay way less than £450 and will also be reduced due to him having another child. You didn’t give birth to her child, she did!