I don't really feel anything?

[FickleBanana]

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

I guess this is one of those arguments that will inevitably go round in circles because people either think it’s mandatory for a step parent to develop love a child in order to be allowed in their life, or it isn’t.

Logic dictates there has to be an initial period of getting to know someone if they’re new in your life so naturally during this period you wouldn’t be too bothered if you never saw them again, even if you currently get on well with them. This not bothered-ness is what seems to be being described on this thread as “indifference” i.e being nice to a person when you’re with them but you’d get over it if they were no longer around.

So let’s say you’re kind and nice to your DP’s child and the child responds well and enjoys having you around. What are you supposed to do if despite all this, that “indifference” between step parent and step child never goes away?

I’m incredulous that some posters are seriously implying that even if everything else about the relationship is going well and the child continues to enjoy the positive things that a step parent can bring into their life then that step parent should leave anyway because they can’t force themselves to change the feelings they have in private, despite nothing actually changing in their outward actions towards their partner’s child.

No one can possibly predict whether they will definitely develop love for a person they’ve not even met yet so the responsible thing for a parent to do if they’re expecting this from a future partner is to wait until their children become adults before pursuing a relationship (as indeed some single parents actually do) because what they’re asking of a new partner is impossible to guarantee.

If you meet a man and you don’t think you could eventually care for his children it’s just pure selfishness that turns in to resentment

What is care though? Surely care is being kind, being welcoming, making an effort with, having someone be comfortable around you etc... What is not caring about that? Do you think a child won't feel some care from a person who is all of the above?

@Sisterlove On the matter of indifference, the reason I pointed out that none of the posters have used to word indifference is because your language implies it is something inherently negative. I haven't seen people saying they prefer it when the SC aren't around, for instance, I've seen people saying they don't miss them when they aren't around, which isn't the same thing. To me, it comes across like you are envisioning something that I would describe as closer to dislike. Your post went on to describe step parents treating their step children badly, which implied to me you think that is the sort of scenario people are describing when they feel this indifference, which it really isn't. The people here treat their SC well.

But this is tangential to my point, really. Call it indifference if you like, my underlying point is that if you're getting into a relationship and expect your partner to love and miss your child, and don't consider them just being nice to them "enough", then you need to face up to the fact that you are the one with unreasonable expectations.

Parents not realising this and behaving like anyone that doesn't love their children is an awful/evil/heartless person, leads to the most horrendous gaslighting behaviour, so it is something I feel strongly about.

Doesn't seem normal to me, as soon as I met dp's kids (and they are young adults) I felt very differently about them than most friends kids (exception being my longest friends kids who I would do anything for). They are really lovely towards me too - I feel guilty because my DD's are not that friendly towards dp. Obviously they don't live with us in the same way but I feel a deep connection. Perhaps it says more about me though

Perhaps it says more about me though
Yes you’re obviously a better person than the rest of us.

😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

Honestly. What is the point of posters being like. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. I see none of these issues. I have a lovely bond.

Oh excellent, thanks.

I never had PND or problems breast feeding. In fact it was lovely for me following the birth of my children. Let me pop across to some relevant threads where people don’t have that experience and share my thoughts.

I’ll even use the line, ‘perhaps it says more about me though.’ I doubt it does. I think that it says more about my state of mind, my environment, the support network I had, and just pure luck that thankfully I didn’t experience the struggles that many other new mums go through.

@seasaltyhair

I don’t expect anyone else to love my children but I wouldn’t settle for indifference either. Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand.

Perfectly put. 💯 spot on.
Just because you don't say something, doesn't mean that the way you behave towards your SC won't be reflected in your behaviour, body language or other means of non verbal communication.

A friend told me how her friend said she wished her fiancé's little boy didn't exist, as everything would be perfect without him....but she had to pretend otherwise as she knew the relationship would over and he definitely wouldn’t marry her.

She would act nice to the boy and probably at that young age he didn't know she wished he didn't exist, but it just feels incongruent and uncomfortable a way to be for me personally.

[quote SandyY2K]**@seasaltyhair

I don’t expect anyone else to love my children but I wouldn’t settle for indifference either. Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand.

Perfectly put. 💯 spot on.
Just because you don't say something, doesn't mean that the way you behave towards your SC won't be reflected in your behaviour, body language or other means of non verbal communication.

A friend told me how her friend said she wished her fiancé's little boy didn't exist, as everything would be perfect without him....but she had to pretend otherwise as she knew the relationship would over and he definitely wouldn’t marry her.

She would act nice to the boy and probably at that young age he didn't know she wished he didn't exist, but it just feels incongruent and uncomfortable a way to be for me personally.[/quote]
I do sort of agree with what you're saying re kids being intuitive but I would say this it's the stepmum's responsibility to fix this. As long as she is nice and polite to the children then I feel like that's fine, and it's up to the parent to decide if their child is being hurt by 'knowing where they stand'.

As seasalty said, she (as the parent) wouldn't settle for indifference, which is totally fine. But I wouldn't expect the step-parent to actively walk away from a good relationship with someone they love because it might not be ideal for children that aren't even theirs.

Thanks for everyone's messages.

Just to clear a few things up...

I absolutely do not wish they didn't exist as everything would be perfect without them, I have never said such a thing and that is not how I feel. My husband is the man he is because of them and I love that he's a great Dad. I don't wish they didn't exist.

I agree with PP who said people are confusing what I've said for dislike. I don't dislike the children, at all. They are good kids and we get on really well. I can accept the description of what I've wrote as 'indifference' in the sense that whilst I don't wish they didn't exist or prefer it when they aren't there, I don't actively miss them either. I don't really feel one way or the other. I have absolutely no problem when they come, I don't dislike them staying here at all but equally I don't miss them or really care when they don't come either.

I'm not sure what a PPs point was when they said they wondered if I pretended to the kids that I missed them. If the children say something like they've missed us or they are looking forward to seeing us or whatever, why on earth would I reply with anything but 'me too!'. That would be cruel. You can call it fake but surely that's just kind? I would do the same with anyone. I say it to my husband because if he's sat there saying how much he misses the kids and can't wait to see them, it feels a bit awkward for me to just sit there silently. I'm obviously not going to say 'I could take it or leave it personally'.

So I don't dislike the kids, I don't wish they didn't exist and I would never dream of stopping them from coming or getting in the way of anything like that but no I don't have a deep connection, I don't love them and I don't feel like they are my children in any way (I know they are not but in the sense of feeling) and yes, I could take or leave contact personally, it doesn't pain me when they can't come for whatever reason and it wouldn't do so if we split up tomorrow either. But whilst I'm here (which I don't plan on going anywhere!), I am nice and welcoming and they appear to be very comfortable around me and happy.

It always seems to come back around to "I hear you saying you treat your SC well and they don't feel any negativity from you, but I bet you're wrong and they do".

It's an impossible argument to win because it can't be proven either way.

I'd be interested to know what kind of behaviour you think the SC are no doubt picking up on, what the line of acceptability is. If my SS can pick up on the fact that I don't love him as intensely as his mum or dad but am as caring towards him as his aunts and uncles and teachers, then I wouldn't personally consider that to be a problem. As Bibidy said, I wouldn't walk away from a relationship because of MY deep felt belief that that isn't enough and would harm the SC. If my partner had a belief like that, I would expect HIM to steer clear of relationships with someone new, rather than put that expectation onto me, or imply it's my responsibility to know in my heart that that would never be enough and to stay away if that's all I could muster.

It is normal - in that a range of feelings would be normal. It’s obviously a shame, but you sound like you do a good job so all good. I would just say to your DH that it’s always good to get some time out.

I am a SM and love them dearly, which I am pleased about, but I still like a bit of time out.

@sassbott

😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

Honestly. What is the point of posters being like. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. I see none of these issues. I have a lovely bond.

Oh excellent, thanks.

I never had PND or problems breast feeding. In fact it was lovely for me following the birth of my children. Let me pop across to some relevant threads where people don’t have that experience and share my thoughts.

I’ll even use the line, ‘perhaps it says more about me though.’ I doubt it does. I think that it says more about my state of mind, my environment, the support network I had, and just pure luck that thankfully I didn’t experience the struggles that many other new mums go through.

Excellent point.
I might also pop onto a thread where I have zero experience of the struggles the OP is facing and just leave my very helpful "I'm alright Jack" comment. 👍🏻

If my SS can pick up on the fact that I don't love him as intensely as his mum or dad but am as caring towards him as his aunts and uncles and teachers, then I wouldn't personally consider that to be a problem

No, neither would I. Because I know for a fact they don't love me as intensely as they love their mum, either. If indeed they would use the word "love" at all in their description of their feelings towards me. So it's not as though they're all over me, desperate for my love and approval, and being met with my indifference. They just see me as dad's partner, who they see occasionally when they go stay with Dad, and who they chat pleasantly too. And at other times they just have Dad to themselves, too (who they do love). And you know what, that's more than ok.

I have absolutely no problem when they come, I don't dislike them staying here at all but equally I don't miss them or really care when they don't come either.

I can very much relate to this.

Just because you don't say something, doesn't mean that the way you behave towards your SC won't be reflected in your behaviour, body language or other means of non verbal communication.

Not necessarily. By this logic we'd all be giving away our true feelings all time. For example I've been in countless work meetings where there's multiple eye roll, "wtf rubbish is this you're talking" moments. I don't roll my eyes, I don't sigh, I don't say "you're talking rubbish". Underneath, I'm thinking and feeling all of that. What I present on the outside is a poker face and a neutral, even pleasant, demeanour. We can apply this to many situations in life quite effectively, if we want to. I do. It's no different with step kids.

Ok so if my ex had a (poor unfortunate) new partner/wife, who was indifferent to my adorable teen...

How exactly would I go about not accepting that indifference?

At the end of the day, my teen has a (frankly awesome) mother, and a sperm donor father, what else would he need from another someone who is on the scene other than someone who simply cares?

I certainly wouldn’t want any partner of my ex to be all over my ds and trying to mother him, that’s my role.

His father has a role, but the partner would only need to support that

Nothing more.

Fwiw, with my oh kids I was prepared to be caring, welcoming, loving if that’s what was needed

Turns out these young women aren’t very nice people at all, by their own deeds, mostly nowt to do with their mothers (plural)

So yeah, they can come here, and I’ll cook, listen blah blah, but encourage them? Take it upon myself to Invite them? No. Absolutely not.

And I don’t have to. Their dad is perfectly able to go to see them, or communicate with them, and if they come here they’re made to feel welcome.

I have a role to protect myself, my son, my family and my relationship. I also know my oh understands and supports this.

*I certainly wouldn’t want any partner of my ex to be all over my ds and trying to mother him, that’s my role.

His father has a role, but the partner would only need to support that*

All of this and a packet of crisps.
There’s far too much inventing of drama where there needn’t be any on this thread.

@Bibidy

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27/01/2021 23:15Sisterlove

@Bidiby

I just feel like it's a little more complex than that, you don't just meet someone and then decide whether you do or don't want to go ahead and love them based on rational factors. You develop feelings for them and those feelings make you want to give things a go

I can only say that's where I'm different, because I do decide if I want a serious relationship based on rational factors, like occupation, family background, physical attraction...

If the rational factors are an issue, then I don't take it further to the point of developing feelings and thats why I find out the important issues for me from the get go.

I recall dating a guy whose mum was overbearing and I decided I didn't want to be a part of that, as it would have affected my life if I were to marry or be in a LTR with him.

One Ex had a brother and sister he didn't speak to. There were too many family issues going on , although he himself was nice and I decided this wasn't going to work for me as a serious relationship, as I'm from a very close family. I know this wouldn't bother some people, but it showed differences that I envisaged creating problems down the line.

There was another guy, who told me about his twin daughters on our third/fourth date and I made that the last date. He was beaming about them, showed me a photo of them, saying they were lovely and he's sure I'd like them when I meet them. He seemed to have a good relationship with his Ex, which I know is great for him, her and the kids*, but I could see it would affect any relationship I had with him and in my early 20s, I didn't need the stress of it, when I had other options.

I just knew it wasn't for me really.

The fact is people are different and make different relationship decisions, based on their personality and experiences. It would be a boring world if we were all the same tbh.
If you don't anticipate something will be an issue, then I can understand how you walk into it unprepared.

Relationships can be challenging enough, without added issues like previous kids and an Ex who will always be on the scene. That's not something a young 20 something or early 30s 'got it together woman (or man) needs to settle for IMO.

The headache of 'He's talking to his Ex about non child related stuff' or 'She's asked him to come and change a light bulb and he went straight away'...

I wouldn't want to be dealing with that.
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Yesterday 01:44MyCatHatesEverybody

I guess this is one of those arguments that will inevitably go round in circles because people either think it’s mandatory for a step parent to develop love a child in order to be allowed in their life, or it isn’t.

Logic dictates there has to be an initial period of getting to know someone if they’re new in your life so naturally during this period you wouldn’t be too bothered if you never saw them again, even if you currently get on well with them. This not bothered-ness is what seems to be being described on this thread as “indifference” i.e being nice to a person when you’re with them but you’d get over it if they were no longer around.

So let’s say you’re kind and nice to your DP’s child and the child responds well and enjoys having you around. What are you supposed to do if despite all this, that “indifference” between step parent and step child never goes away?

I’m incredulous that some posters are seriously implying that even if everything else about the relationship is going well and the child continues to enjoy the positive things that a step parent can bring into their life then that step parent should leave anyway because they can’t force themselves to change the feelings they have in private, despite nothing actually changing in their outward actions towards their partner’s child.

No one can possibly predict whether they will definitely develop love for a person they’ve not even met yet so the responsible thing for a parent to do if they’re expecting this from a future partner is to wait until their children become adults before pursuing a relationship (as indeed some single parents actually do) because what they’re asking of a new partner is impossible to guarantee.
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Yesterday 05:05PeachesAndCreamy

If you meet a man and you don’t think you could eventually care for his children it’s just pure selfishness that turns in to resentment

What is care though? Surely care is being kind, being welcoming, making an effort with, having someone be comfortable around you etc... What is not caring about that? Do you think a child won't feel some care from a person who is all of the above?
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Yesterday 09:19aSofaNearYou

@Sisterlove On the matter of indifference, the reason I pointed out that none of the posters have used to word indifference is because your language implies it is something inherently negative. I haven't seen people saying they prefer it when the SC aren't around, for instance, I've seen people saying they don't miss them when they aren't around, which isn't the same thing. To me, it comes across like you are envisioning something that I would describe as closer to dislike. Your post went on to describe step parents treating their step children badly, which implied to me you think that is the sort of scenario people are describing when they feel this indifference, which it really isn't. The people here treat their SC well.

But this is tangential to my point, really. Call it indifference if you like, my underlying point is that if you're getting into a relationship and expect your partner to love and miss your child, and don't consider them just being nice to them "enough", then you need to face up to the fact that you are the one with unreasonable expectations.

Parents not realising this and behaving like anyone that doesn't love their children is an awful/evil/heartless person, leads to the most horrendous gaslighting behaviour, so it is something I feel strongly about.
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Yesterday 09:47movingonup20

Doesn't seem normal to me, as soon as I met dp's kids (and they are young adults) I felt very differently about them than most friends kids (exception being my longest friends kids who I would do anything for). They are really lovely towards me too - I feel guilty because my DD's are not that friendly towards dp. Obviously they don't live with us in the same way but I feel a deep connection. Perhaps it says more about me though
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Yesterday 09:54Youseethethingis

Perhaps it says more about me though
Yes you’re obviously a better person than the rest of us.
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Yesterday 10:55sassbott

😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

Honestly. What is the point of posters being like. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. I see none of these issues. I have a lovely bond.

Oh excellent, thanks.

I never had PND or problems breast feeding. In fact it was lovely for me following the birth of my children. Let me pop across to some relevant threads where people don’t have that experience and share my thoughts.

I’ll even use the line, ‘perhaps it says more about me though.’ I doubt it does. I think that it says more about my state of mind, my environment, the support network I had, and just pure luck that thankfully I didn’t experience the struggles that many other new mums go through. hmm
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Yesterday 11:01SandyY2K

@seasaltyhair

I don’t expect anyone else to love my children but I wouldn’t settle for indifference either. Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand.

Perfectly put. 💯 spot on.
Just because you don't say something, doesn't mean that the way you behave towards your SC won't be reflected in your behaviour, body language or other means of non verbal communication.

A friend told me how her friend said she wished her fiancé's little boy didn't exist, as everything would be perfect without him....but she had to pretend otherwise as she knew the relationship would over and he definitely wouldn’t marry her.

She would act nice to the boy and probably at that young age he didn't know she wished he didn't exist, but it just feels incongruent and uncomfortable a way to be for me personally.
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Yesterday 11:20Bibidy

SandyY2K

@seasaltyhair

I don’t expect anyone else to love my children but I wouldn’t settle for indifference either. Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand.

Perfectly put. 💯 spot on.
Just because you don't say something, doesn't mean that the way you behave towards your SC won't be reflected in your behaviour, body language or other means of non verbal communication.

A friend told me how her friend said she wished her fiancé's little boy didn't exist, as everything would be perfect without him....but she had to pretend otherwise as she knew the relationship would over and he definitely wouldn’t marry her.

She would act nice to the boy and probably at that young age he didn't know she wished he didn't exist, but it just feels incongruent and uncomfortable a way to be for me personally.

I do sort of agree with what you're saying re kids being intuitive but I would say this it's the stepmum's responsibility to fix this. As long as she is nice and polite to the children then I feel like that's fine, and it's up to the parent to decide if their child is being hurt by 'knowing where they stand'.

As seasalty said, she (as the parent) wouldn't settle for indifference, which is totally fine.

Most parents don't realise their partner is indifferent towards their child though, because of the fakery or pretence.

If they did realise, then you wouldn't have the problems you do, like them sulking that you would rather read a book than play with their kids.

Or they accuse you of being unwelcoming because you want to walk the dogs on your own, while his kids are over.

It's kind of like putting on your best show when you meet someone, when that's not really how you are all the time. I know we all make more of an effort in the early stages of a relationship, but I see SMs particularly doing so much with their DPs kids, like bathing, cooking meals, dressing etc, then when they set up home she complains that she is lumbered with looking after the DC.

This wouldn't happen if she never started doing it in the first place and acted like it was a pleasure.

It's most likely that the lazy dad has jumped for joy that he's found a woman to do his share of the parenting.

I absolutely do not wish they didn't exist as everything would be perfect without them, I have never said such a thing and that is not how I feel.*

To clarify....

I did not say that you said or felt this at all. I was specifically talking about someone else in a SM situation who said this.

Although I've seen it said in other threads on MN.

I know your thread is about the SC, but my issue would be getting into a relationship with a man who would always have contact with his Ex (because of the child) as I just don't like Ex wives/GFs being a presence going forwards.

I've been working through some things with my therapist surrounding step parenting and blended families and she has shared these links with me this week.

Here are some resources that may be helpful:
• https://www.steptogether.org/development.htmll_
• https://www.gottman.com/blog/navigating-challenges-stepfamily-life//_
• https://www.gottman.com/blog/seven-tips-for-stepfamily-success//_

The first link talks about the stages of building the family unit and also timeframes to expect, these are surprisingly long, in that it takes 4-12 years to complete the stages of building a step family.

Often the step kids don’t WANT to build a new family outside that of the RP. They see their dad whenever for example, chatter etc, but that’s enough.

Like I said, I make oh kids welcome etc, but that’s all that’s needed

It would be weird to gush over them, and actually in the case of the youngest (2nd mother) if there was any hint that dc was being loved and cared for, that they’d had a great time etc etc, somehow they’d be punished somehow (it happened a few times). But this mother would do literally anything to ruin things between the child and their dad.

Most parents don't realise their partner is indifferent towards their child though, because of the fakery or pretence. If they did realise, then you wouldn't have the problems you do, like them sulking that you would rather read a book than play with their kids. Or they accuse you of being unwelcoming because you want to walk the dogs on your own, while his kids are over. It's kind of like putting on your best show when you meet someone, when that's not really how you are all the time. I know we all make more of an effort in the early stages of a relationship, but I see SMs particularly doing so much with their DPs kids, like bathing, cooking meals, dressing etc, then when they set up home she complains that she is lumbered with looking after the DC. This wouldn't happen if she never started doing it in the first place and acted like it was a pleasure. It's most likely that the lazy dad has jumped for joy that he's found a woman to do his share of the parenting.

Yes but why does any of that make the man in this scenario's behaviour reasonable? Even if he believed his GF loved his kids, it would still be wildly inappropriate for him to do things like accusing her of not loving them for minor things like going for a walk without them. In any other kind of relationship, that kind of response would be considered dangerously controlling.

As for getting lumbered with all the chores, I can see why he might fall into a pattern of being lazy, but honestly? If he is living with his partner who is doing the vast majority of care for his children, at some point he should have the self awareness to look around and notice something was amiss. I certainly notice whenever someone is doing a lot for my DD. You can claim ignorance all you like, but he would have no excuse at the point the SM pointed out her unhappiness with the set up to him and he responded with anything other than "I'm so sorry dear, it won't happen again". Judging by the threads on here, more often than not they seem to say something like "how evil and unwelcoming of you to not want to do everything for my kids". With that kind of response, is it any wonder SMs feel they need to keep up a pretence?

Most parents don't realise their partner is indifferent towards their child though, because of the fakery or pretence. If they did realise, then you wouldn't have the problems you do, like them sulking that you would rather read a book than play with their kids. Or they accuse you of being unwelcoming because you want to walk the dogs on your own, while his kids are over. It's kind of like putting on your best show when you meet someone, when that's not really how you are all the time.

I don't think this is really fair. It's not fakery or pretence to just be nice to people, especially children! Yes, I wouldn't choose to spend my own spare time doing the things I do with my SCs when they're here, but that doesn't mean I'm faking. Surely everyone, even parents, is faking to some extent when it comes to children? They don't actually enjoy watching Peppa Pig and Bing, or playing noughts and crosses over and over and over again. I think someone would have to be pretty harsh not to make any effort to chat to or play with SCs when they are around.

Also, I actually think most parents are highly attuned to their partner's attitude towards their kids and some of the paddies they throw about things like reading a book or wanting to walk dogs alone is because they do sense the difference in feeling towards the children, and they are trying to force a change in behaviour. I genuinely think it's the parents who put the most pressure on the step-parent when it comes to acting & feeling like a 'real parent' towards the children - SCs rarely want or expect that level of intensity from their step-parent.

I know we all make more of an effort in the early stages of a relationship, but I see SMs particularly doing so much with their DPs kids, like bathing, cooking meals, dressing etc, then when they set up home she complains that she is lumbered with looking after the DC.

This may be unpopular, but I do think that in a lot of cases dads do expect their partners to step into a lot of the caregiver role when kids are around. Especially if they haven't had to look after the children alone for a long time, or have had help from grandparents etc prior to moving in with a new partner. So they do let the SM pick up a lot of jobs they should be doing themselves.

Also, you can't discount the element of novelty for everyone. When I first met my SCs my SD absolutely clung onto me and wanted me to do everything with and for her, so I mostly did as I wanted to form a relationship and it was all new to me. I didn't have my own kids so it was a lot of nice new things for me to do from time to time - obviously I wasn't living with DP then so it really was once in a while. I didn't do anything to deceive my DP in any way, I did what I was happy to do at the time - but that doesn't mean that now I am always around when he has the kids that I am happy to take over his job of looking after them (not that he would expect me to).

Most parents don't realise their partner is indifferent towards their child though, because of the fakery or pretence.

Mine does. I've been completely open and honest from day one about how I feel and don't feel. He gets it, it's fine. There's an element of "fakery /pretence" around his kids, sure... but as others have pointed out, we all do that at times even with our own kids when we aren't enthused about Peppa Pig for the 19th time that day, or who's said what on Snapchat ... etc. But no fakery or pretence involved with my DP - just open honesty about what I do and don't want with regard to the relationship with his kids. Hence no expectations from him, either in terms of me parenting them in any way or feeling anything I don't.

I've said this on threads several times before, I started off doing stuff for my DSC not to impress anyone or because I was faking, but because I was genuinely keen to show the children that I accepted them in my life as part of me being with their father, and doing stuff for them was a practical way of me demonstrating that.

What I didn't expect was to receive hostility for no reason other than me happening to be the one who filled the step parent hole in the family, and for me that was when the resentment (at the parents, not the actual DSC) started to set in. Had I just been left to get on with things freely and received the appropriate acknowledgement/appreciation (again from the adults not the DCs) I could probably have carried on indefinitely. DSCs mum couldn't understand once why I refused to do a child-related favour for her during her usual contact time not long after she'd been openly rude to me.

So many people on these threads and IRL seem intent to focus only on how the SM is acting now rather than exploring the circumstances which led to it. I guess it's yet another sign of how step parents are shown no respect or acknowledgement that they'll have wants or needs of their own because their role is to to simply absorb whatever shit is thrown at them yet be happy to continue with all the favours and sacrifices.