I don't really feel anything?

[FickleBanana]

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place? Seems as though there is quite a lot of deception.

Lots of issues arise for step-families after marriage, when kids have to accept that their step-parent is not going away. Things change all the time in step-families so it's unfair to say people are being deceitful. I am part of another SM forum where lots of the women had great relationships with their stepchildren up until they got married/had a child of their own, and then the child's behaviour towards them totally changed.

I also think many fathers know perfectly well how their wives and girlfriends feel most of the time but the reality is lots of dads spend most/lots of their time without their kids around so they just skirt around the issue and stick their heads in the sand, hoping everyone will just continue rubbing along without it coming to a head.

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Bibidy totally agree.

Other peoples kids are annoying, end of. I can completely tune out my DDs tuneless warble she likes to do when shes concentrating but I can tell it irritates DH. Hes not mean about it, just sighs and makes faces and turns the TV up until I notice and ask her to stop. Likewise, my DSDs constant miserable expression and attitude is so bloody annoying to me, especially when we've spent money on a treat or a day out and shes just sulky and glaring. I never say anything, just ask if shes okay and if she needs anything, but I cant stand it and DH genuinely doesn't seem to notice until we look at photos later and he seems baffled by the faces shes making on them all. I dont think either of us are being horrible stepparents by being irritated by each others kids at times, I think its completely natural and normal and human.[/quote]
Yep exactly this. My OH isn't very fond of his brother's kids and is constantly moaning about the older one's manner and attitude, yet my SD shares a lot of the same characteristics, but he just doesn't see it in her.

My ex accepted that I didn’t love his child like I love my own. He wasn’t really a problem when it came to that so I’ll give him that one.
It was his ex wife who put those expectations on to me I found it suffocating and bloody irritating. Her partner claims to love dsc like his own and she used to use that as a stick to beat me with. Maybe he does, who knows? Or maybe he’s just bullshitting to keep the peace. Either way he’s had a much better shot at it than I ever did and maybe he does love dsc unconditionally as a result, so it was very unreasonable of her to even begin to think me and her partner were the same. He has a supportive partner in her, whereas I didn’t have that. So it was naturally harder for me to gush with love about dsc. I liked dsc, cared about them, but didn’t love them. It’s hard to feel those feelings even in the best of relationships with your partner - even harder when it’s a bad one.

*"I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place? Seems as though there is quite a lot of deception."

@Seasaltyhair Where do you stand on the examples I gave upthread of parents/step parents pretending to enjoy or be interested in all the boring kiddie orientated stuff that we engage in for the sake of the DC? I don't give a shit whether Spot can find his bone or feel inclined to listen to some teenage youtuber discussing Minecraft. But I did it because I wanted to encourage a relationship with my DSC.

As the non parent I just had to put those skills into practice a bit more often than their parents might. I don't see it as being fake or deceiving anyone, I see it as being kind to the child.

I haven’t RTFT but what I have read has made me really sad. I had a SF growing up, he then went on to have other children with DM. I would be so devastated to think he felt like this about me. I’m not trying to guilt or shame anyone it was just awful to read much of what has been written and think that could have been written about me.

@Fueledwithfairydustandgin

I haven’t RTFT but what I have read has made me really sad. I had a SF growing up, he then went on to have other children with DM. I would be so devastated to think he felt like this about me. I’m not trying to guilt or shame anyone it was just awful to read much of what has been written and think that could have been written about me.

You'd probably do well to RTFT then. Funinthesun's post at Tue 26-Jan-21 18:07:53 explains the differences between the dynamics that SMs face vs SFs very well

It's really normal, I speak as a step parent myself. It has taken years for my feelings to develop for my step children, and they still wain a lot, I also crave space from them and am quite often relieved to have them go to their other parent. We've been together nearly 10 years now and been through a lot, sometimes I have actively resented them, usually due to the amount of shit from the other parent making our life a lot harder than it needs to be and upsetting my partner. Before I entered into this relationship I believed that I would feel the same as I do for my own children, and I think your friends and family probably believe that too and are trying to be inclusive. It's ok to tell them otherwise.

I can totally relate. I care deeply for my step children, and our bond has become stronger since having my own daughter (their sibling). I care for them/look after them as I do my daughter, but don't love them or miss them when they're not with us. The kids say they love me and I say it back because I'd hate them to feel rejected and I really do care for them x

No experience as a stepmum but as a stepchild I wouldn't worry. I felt the same about my stepmum. She was fine. She was wallpaper to be honest. When my dad died after many years of us not having much of a relationship, we became much closer and it was only in my 30s I would say I loved her and she loves me. Not the same as a mum/child obviously but I'm very fond of her (when she's not bugging the tits off me...)

I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place?

My DP knows full well that I don't love his kids and never will feel the way about them that he does. Equally, I accept and understand that he feels similarly towards my DD, despite being fond of her. We have realistic expectations of the other and neither of us feels it necessary to force or "fake" parental love towards children who aren't ours. What matters is that we are open and honest and understanding with each other about that.

@Sarcobaleno

No experience as a stepmum but as a stepchild I wouldn't worry. I felt the same about my stepmum. She was fine. She was wallpaper to be honest. When my dad died after many years of us not having much of a relationship, we became much closer and it was only in my 30s I would say I loved her and she loves me. Not the same as a mum/child obviously but I'm very fond of her (when she's not bugging the tits off me...)

It's refreshing to see an example of this in action the opposite way around. I didn't remotely love my step mum either when I was growing up, I tolerated her. I didn't feel a need to love her though. And I'm certainly not affected by it long term.

@ShinyGreenElephant totally the same he, we have Rose tinted glasses about our own little darlings!

I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place?

I prefer.

I wonder if the new wives knew exactly how their husband felt about them in the pecking order regards their children, whether they would actually marry them in the first place?

My exp knew exactly how I felt and still proposed.
I knew exactly where my pecking order would be and said no.

Does that help?

@sassbott

I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place?

I prefer.

I wonder if the new wives knew exactly how their husband felt about them in the pecking order regards their children, whether they would actually marry them in the first place?

My exp knew exactly how I felt and still proposed.
I knew exactly where my pecking order would be and said no.

Does that help?

@sassbott

I don't blame you, I'd have said no too. No way I'm consistently being bottom of someone's priority list. That's not a relationship.

*I prefer.

I wonder if the new wives knew exactly how their husband felt about them in the pecking order regards their children, whether they would actually marry them in the first place?*

Precisely.

So many people are determined to paint the step mothers as the one's whose expectations and feelings are unreasonable. You can see it on here purely by the language used.

Teachers are in loco parentis and they are equally detached.

We can care for them without loving them and that’s perfectly normal

This thread is so enlightening and so triggering at the same time.
My DH knew exactly how I felt about his children but still asked me to marry him.
He then proceeded to move me further down the pecking order until we’re in a place where I have completely disengaged with his children and very almost with him. It’s a horrible position to be in.
I’ve made steps to improve my life which may or may not end my marriage, that remains to be seen, but I refuse to park my happiness for the sake of his children and his ex wife any longer .

MyCatHatesEverybody

There is a difference between caring for some one and being indifferent.

Children will know what indifference feels like and it’s unfair to insert yourself in to a child’s life when that’s all you can muster.

If you meet a man and you don’t think you could eventually care for his children it’s just pure selfishness that turns in to resentment.

It’s a massive undertaking to get with someone that has children and to those women and men that actively build there own family unit with those children I take my hat off to them - rather than the new wife/husband that purposely stays on the periphery creating two camps within one household.

*If you meet a man and you don’t think you could eventually care for his children it’s just pure selfishness that turns in to resentment.
*
You don't meet a man and consciously think or know for sure "I won't ever care for his children but I'll go for it anyway" (I certainly didn't). I had no clue how it was all going to feel until I was living it, day in, day out. By then you're often heavily emotionally invested in the relationship. But it doesn't matter that I don't love his children because I'm warm and kind to them, and they have two parents to love them. Similarly, it doesn't matter that my DP doesn't love my DD like his own (nor would I expect him to). We still function perfectly fine as a family without false "forced" love by either party.

@AnxiousSM . So sorry to hear your story. That’s deeply sad.

@Seasaltyhair you’re missing one very clear point here. In most cases, a SM has very little control over the dynamic in the home. The dynamic is predominantly created by the NRP, SC and (in the unlucky cases), the exwife. Typically the person who can end up on the periphery (as you describe) is the SM herself.

How far on the periphery and whether this is a temporary / permanently problem largely depends on the EQ / teamwork of the NRP.

It’s actually not unusual for there to be some degree of dysfunction that can be created, especially where there is conflict with an exwife. It’s called triangulation and sadly it’s far more common than people understand.

An exwife can create triangulation whereby her children are the victim, she is the rescuer and the NRP is the persecuter.
If the NRP is unconsciously complicit in this dysfunction, what ends up happening is when the children come into his environment, he re-enacts the triangulation (because it’s how he knows how to relationship in the context of his children).

The interesting thing is that the children in these set ups remain the victims, only the NRP moves to rescuer, leaving (guess who?) the SM to take the place of persecuter.

These are deeply complex dynamics that can happen with a home, and are very common in Sp families (unless as I say, the NRP has a high level of EQ and refuses to be dysfunctional.)

A lot of SM’s are on the periphery to save their sanity.

Because they are so often placed in the role of persecuter. It’s so so unhealthy and can destroy a person. Leaving their mental health on the floor. Forget the marriage.

But ya know. They should’ve know what they were getting into right?

*These are deeply complex dynamics that can happen with a home, and are very common in Sp families (unless as I say, the NRP has a high level of EQ and refuses to be dysfunctional.)

A lot of SM’s are on the periphery to save their sanity.*

I don't experience dysfunction as such, as DP doesn't allow these dynamics to enter our home. But I still don't love his children because they aren't mine. As pleasant as they are, I don't feel anything more than I might towards my DD's friend who came over, for example. It's a fondness, but that's all. So I don't think you always necessarily need dysfunction to remain "on the periphery" in an emotional sense. Sometimes that's just a natural outcome of the fact that they aren't you're biological children.

Crikey @sassbott ! I don’t have the words
to express this but I think you have just opened up my entire situation in this post.

In his mind I am the reason for every single thing that goes wrong in our home. At one particular point I was blamed for the demands his ex wife puts on him. In order to keep ex wife and children happy he’s put me through some hellish situations. I haven’t been able to leave, but soon I will.

The phrase ‘you knew what you were getting into’ couldn’t be further from the truth.

@aSofaNearYou

None of the people on here have used the term "indifferent" to describe their level of feeling for their step children

°Not feeling anything towards them.
°Not being bothered if you don't see them again
°Preferring it when they aren't around

Those are feelings of indifference and I'm not the only person who has said it on this thread.
One feels as they do, but denying that these are feelings of indifference isn't accurate.

You don't have to use the word indifference for that to be the case.

The OP said she doesn't feel anything...her exact words are:

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

Are you still saying this isn't indifference?

Other posters told her that it's normal and how they feel too. That pretty much sums up indifference.

@Bidiby

I just feel like it's a little more complex than that, you don't just meet someone and then decide whether you do or don't want to go ahead and love them based on rational factors. You develop feelings for them and those feelings make you want to give things a go

I can only say that's where I'm different, because I do decide if I want a serious relationship based on rational factors, like occupation, family background, physical attraction...

If the rational factors are an issue, then I don't take it further to the point of developing feelings and thats why I find out the important issues for me from the get go.

I recall dating a guy whose mum was overbearing and I decided I didn't want to be a part of that, as it would have affected my life if I were to marry or be in a LTR with him.

One Ex had a brother and sister he didn't speak to. There were too many family issues going on , although he himself was nice and I decided this wasn't going to work for me as a serious relationship, as I'm from a very close family. I know this wouldn't bother some people, but it showed differences that I envisaged creating problems down the line.

There was another guy, who told me about his twin daughters on our third/fourth date and I made that the last date. He was beaming about them, showed me a photo of them, saying they were lovely and he's sure I'd like them when I meet them. He seemed to have a good relationship with his Ex, which I know is great for him, her and the kids*, but I could see it would affect any relationship I had with him and in my early 20s, I didn't need the stress of it, when I had other options.

I just knew it wasn't for me really.

The fact is people are different and make different relationship decisions, based on their personality and experiences. It would be a boring world if we were all the same tbh.
If you don't anticipate something will be an issue, then I can understand how you walk into it unprepared.

Relationships can be challenging enough, without added issues like previous kids and an Ex who will always be on the scene. That's not something a young 20 something or early 30s 'got it together woman (or man) needs to settle for IMO.

The headache of 'He's talking to his Ex about non child related stuff' or 'She's asked him to come and change a light bulb and he went straight away'...

I wouldn't want to be dealing with that.