I don't really feel anything?

[FickleBanana]

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

You said it’s “not great for the children.”

This type of stuff really makes my eyes roll. Why is it not great that a stepparent has a good relationship with their stepchild but doesn’t gush about them and gets on with their life when the child isn’t there?

@Sophagain A lot of the time the way a step-family functions (or doesn’t) depends on the behaviour and attitudes of the children’s two parents.

I’m a SM and a SC.
I would never want my daughter to be either.

Why is it not great that a stepparent has a good relationship with their stepchild but doesn’t gush about them and gets on with their life when the child isn’t there?

Is it a "good relationship" when the adult isn't bothered when they can't come, when they are indifferent to them? Would you like to be in that relationship with someone you live with?
By what metric are you calling it a good relationship, and do you think the children would agree with you?

There is a difference between not being bothered if they don’t come and actively stopping them from coming/making them feel unwelcome when they don’t come.

When I was a stepparent and contact arrangements changed like they sometimes do (birthday in mum’s family etc), I wasn’t disappointed. I wasn’t bothered and just got on with it.

making them feel unwelcome when they don’t come.

Making them feel unwelcome when they COME

@fufumuji

a) Indifference | Definition of Indifference by Oxford Dictionary on ...en.oxforddictionaries.com › definition › Indifference
noun. mass noun. 1 Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I can't see how the quotes from SMs I listed upthread demonstrate lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.
I do acknowledge that quotes such as "I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC" could be taken as indifference but the problem lies in step parents being constantly judged and criticised as though it translates into how we actually treat our DSC. You can treat someone very well without going so far as to love them.

b) Nope, my abusive exH saw off any friends I had and although I've since made friends I like them very much but I wouldn't say I love them.
Likewise I am very fond of my now-adult DSC, we message each other independently of DH and I enjoy their company when I see them. However they have two very engaged loving parents so they've expressed neither a want or a need for me to "love" them as well.

@Fufumuji
I agree with you that the theme of the thread is indifference.

Whether it's right or wrong is an individual issue, but the OP has expressed indifference and many seem to feel the same.

I picked up on the way the OP feels the need to pretend she misses them to her DH. It feels like living a bit of a lie if you have to pretend how you feel.

A bit like how some people may feel about their MILS, who are often a PITA.

There is a difference between not being bothered if they don’t come and actively stopping them from coming/making them feel unwelcome when they don’t come

Yes, the first is indifference, the second is worse.

I picked up on the way the OP feels the need to pretend she misses them to her DH. It feels like living a bit of a lie if you have to pretend how you feel
I would also wonder if she pretends to the children that she misses them when they aren't there.

@Fufumuji I would say it would be a bit of a stretch for anyone to genuinely miss someone they didn't love if they spent half of every week with them. It doesn't indicate a cold level of indifference.

I can sort of see what you're saying, but I don't think there's any inherent reason why being exposed to an adult who doesn't love you but treats you perfectly well has to be a detriment to SC.

surely you must at least care for kids that you spend a lot of time with , and love others other than just your dh? Family / friends , different sort of love maybe,

I would also wonder if she pretends to the children that she misses them when they aren't there.

My DP always makes quite a big deal about how much we've all missed my SS when he comes. I can't say that has ever been the case for me, but it would do more harm for me to contradict what he says to SSs face than to just allow him to believe that.

surely you must at least care for kids that you spend a lot of time with , and love others other than just your dh? Family / friends , different sort of love maybe

You can spend more time than that with colleagues without coming to love them.

Yes, the first is indifference, the second is worse.

But why does it actually matter if she’s not bothered if they don’t come (indifferent)? How does that actually affect the children if she doesn’t feel inwardly or outwardly disappointed about not seeing them? Should she make some big declaration about how much she misses them? As long as she’s welcoming the next time she sees them then why does it actually matter if she neither misses them nor dreads them coming and neither hates them nor loves them?

It doesn't indicate a cold level of indifference

Why cold? Indifference does not need to be cold.

but I don't think there's any inherent reason why being exposed to an adult who doesn't love you but treats you perfectly well has to be a detriment to SC

Exposed to isn't a problem. Living with is a different matter. If you were a child would you want to live with someone who doesn't really care much about you and is generally happier when you aren't there?

@FickleBanana the only thing you're doing wrong here is allowing your DH to behave the way he is.

If you want to go for a walk alone, you go for a walk alone! Tell him no, you're taking some time to yourself. They're his children and his to entertain.

Nothing wrong with not loving them. You're good to them, not unwelcoming, and not trying to push them away. That's enough. If you don't love them, you don't love them!

But DH needs to adjust his expectations and you need to be more vocal about your own happiness and comfort.

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

surely you must at least care for kids that you spend a lot of time with , and love others other than just your dh? Family / friends , different sort of love maybe,

My (abusive) father is dead, my mum was absent for most of my childhood and neither were close to their own families so I have no relationship with my wider family either. I haven't known the friends I made since leaving my abusive exH long enough to develop love for them.

As for kids I spent a lot of time with, yes I care for them. I wouldn't go so far as to say I love them any more than they love me because they spent lots of time with me. We do get on well though.

It’s that darkened room again.
We should all be in a darkened room wailing at the moon until our DSC return.
DSC will sense it if we have been perfectly fine without them and be damaged by it.

I do anything for my DSDs to make their lives as positive as they can be. I'm always there for them, and try to parent them as I would my own child (we have custody).

However, I don't feel about them how I felt about my daughter. The feelings are in no way comparable.

DH and I are redoing our wills, and the subject of who should be allocated as guardian to them should he die before they reach 21. I really wasn't sure I was willing to take on the responsibility.

They have a mother (albeit a shit one), uncles, aunts, grandparents on both sides - without my DH here, I'm pretty sure I would pass the buck, awful as that sounds. DH understands, and agrees, which was helpful - could have been an very awkward conversation otherwise.

The whole process did bring home to me that whilst I DO genuinely love them, I clearly have a line in the sand that absolutely wouldn't exist with my own child.

Appreciate this makes me sound like a total arsehole, but it's really hard to be honest about it without sounding like a dick 😬

Thats interesting that the only SM who has said she loves her DSC (even if not the same as her own) is a resident SM.
I certainly had more loving feelings in the past towards my DSD, but her mother’s actions stomped them out and I let it happen.
I can’t afford to love a child whose mother could take her away, train her to behave in certain ways, be a hideous cow to my DH etc etc. So I don’t.
Even though we are very amicable now I’d say, that ship has sailed and I can’t choose to do anything about my feelings now.

@Fufumuji because some kind of discernable coldness is the only thing that would even make them aware of those private feelings.

You didn't undergo any biological hormonal 'tricks' of a pregnant and a new mum designed to make you fall for your baby.
Also stress if you think you HAVE TO love a child of your partner would be not helping in developing those feelings.
Also, kids have their mother. It is rude, very rude, to assume your position is anything close to that. It is not. And you are not expected to feel as you would toward your own child.
BTW. You didn't mention ages of children.
After certain age, your partner's children will not view you even as a step-parent. More like a new partner of their parent.

I don’t see anything wrong with how you feel and I’ve been a critic of a lot of SM attitudes.
You don’t have to love the child like a mother - presumably the child already has a mother. You just have to be kind and not come between the child and its father.
The fact that you’re worrying about this in itself makes me guess that that you are thoughtful and kind.

Thats interesting that the only SM who has said she loves her DSC (even if not the same as her own) is a resident SM.

I think it’s far easier to find those feelings when the child is resident with you. There is much less input from their Nr parent or there is none at all, so it’s easier to feel those feelings and build a stronger relationship.

This is probably why stepdads are so heavily praised. They are (mostly) with the resident parent (mum), and therefore spend a lot more time with the dscs and have more opportunity to build stronger relationships.

My former dsc has always had a very involved mum. To be fair she’s a good mum. So I had absolutely no reason to be a second mum and to be honest I didn’t want to because she was so involved. She didn’t like how I didn’t gush about her child or how I didn’t see her child as one of mine, but her very involvement with her own child was the very reason I didn’t NEED to be those things or feel those things! It was suffocating and frustrating.

My brother on the other hand has 2 stepchildren who haven’t seen their father in years. He’s developed a natural love for his stepchildren and just calls them his children. They even have our surname now. They call him dad. He’s had the opportunity to build strong bonds with them and that’s the difference. Again he’s one of those stepdads who found it a lot easier than I did as stepmum because the dynamics were completely different.

@fufumuji

I would also wonder if she pretends to the children that she misses them when they aren't there.

Probably so.

I think it's one of those things many DILS say like "Nice to see you MIL" , but inside think you can't wait till they leave.

I don't think you can love a child like yours if they aren't. On some level, I think it's unrealistic of people to expect their DP/DW/DH to love their child as they do.

It would be nice to think they liked them, but I'm not getting that sense here. It's more like meh, whatever. Almost like all would be good if you never set eyes on them again and any sadness, would be more for your partner, than yourself. That's indifference.... what most people aim for after ending a toxic relationship.

For me, its not a right or wrong, but having to keep your true feelings from your partner inside, because I bet if they knew how you truly felt (don't care if I never see your kids again and I'm happier when they aren't here etc), then the relationship would be over.

Infact, I'm sure if a stepdad expressed this feeling to his wife about her DC, people would say LTB as he's a cold hearted so and so who doesn't care and there's no way he could hide that from the kids.

Not many people would honestly be happy if they knew their OH had this sentiment about their kids.

If I as a DM knew my DP was this indifferent about my kids, but pretended otherwise, I'd be worried about what else he was capable of pretending about in our relationship.

Again, I don't expect anyone to love my DC or care about them as I do, except their dad. I know other blood family members care deeply for them, but wouldn't expect that of another man in my life.

That's indifference.... what most people aim for after ending a toxic relationship
It would indeed end an adult relationship if one or both were indifferent to the other. The difference is that the adult relationship is the reason you are there.

Nobody chooses to be come a step parent. People accept becoming step parent. The step kids are in our lives because we are with their parents, but they aren’t the primary relationship.
If we didn’t see DSD for 6 months I might miss her towards the end of that, I’d certainly wonder what she was up to and hope she was ok, I’d be sad for DH and DS, but her ally I’d be fine as she’s not my primary relationship. I’d miss DH desperately if he went away for 6 months because he is who I’m here for. Does this make sense?
Being welcoming and caring should be enough. All the additional expectation is what leads to the hurt feelings IMO.