I don't really feel anything?

[FickleBanana]

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

For me, its not a right or wrong, but having to keep your true feelings from your partner inside, because I bet if they knew how you truly felt (don't care if I never see your kids again and I'm happier when they aren't here etc), then the relationship would be over.
But then no parent would ever get with anyone because most stepparents ARE indifferent towards their stepchildren for various reasons.
As had been pointed out upthread it's often easier for stepdads to form a bond with sdc because they often live with them & the more you see of someone the easier it can be to grow to love them. Also bio dads just don't seem to be quite so territorial with their dc's affections & generally speaking don't seem to resent other men in their dc's lives. All that being said I think my exdp was extremely fond of my dc but this in turn fed his guilt regarding his own dc so he actively chose not to spend time with my dc (even though he lived with us) which I never queried - I just left him to it.
However, I think a lot of sm's are expected to behave like a parent when it suits (both of) the parents but to also know their place and butt out when told to. This fluctuating expectation (on the part of both bio parents) is hard for any sm to regulate especially when it's occurring in her own home & I personally think this, combined with sdc coming & going stops bonds being solidified & leads to indifference & I honestly don't think that's unnatural. I think it's very human.
I would also nearly guarantee that if nr dads relaxed a bit, placed less expectation of parenting & playing happy families on their partners; realised that their 'second' children are as deserving of attention as their 'first'; put in place & maintained decent boundaries with their exws & actually prioritised their partners needs over their dc's wants & their exws' tantrums that there would be far fewer 'indifferent' sms out there.
I've been observing blended family dynamics for years now & it seems to be that the biggest issues are ALWAYS caused by the dynamic between the nr dad, his exw & their dc. If this 'relationship' is dysfunctional (which it often is) then all other relationships suffer. When two people get together THEIR relationship should be the central one - this creates healthy & secure family dynamics (not just my opinion this is in accordance with psychotherapy studies & any therapist I've ever spoken to), but in too many blended situations the relationship between nr dad, the ex & the dc is still dominating EVERYTHING, & is demanding & getting the lions share of attention. All this does nothing to assist bonding and the blame for that lies squarely with the nr dad, who ironically is the one who is desperate for his partner to feel something for his dc.

Totally normal imo. I care about my sc, I want the best for them and when dsd is treated badly by her mum it makes me furious. I do a lot for them and I enjoy some (not all) parts of them being here. BUT, I dont love them as much as I love my nieces, and its not even on the same planet as how much I love my own kids. I love them like I love my cousins and my friends kids, or many of the primary kids I taught. If me and DH split up I'd always send Christmas cards and invite them to their sisters birthday parties, I'd be there if they needed my help, but I wouldn't be crying myself to sleep over them or counting the days til I could see them again. I dont do that now. I dont think that's indifferent or ruining their lives. I dont think DH feels much more strongly towards my DD and they live together! He loves her, he cares about her, they get on well. Thats enough, why wouldn't it be? He doesnt need to be going gooey over her baby photos or crying with pride at her school assembly or getting her name tattooed on him to be a good stepdad

It would indeed end an adult relationship if one or both were indifferent to the other.

You may have misunderstood what I'm saying. I meant that when a bad relationship ends, rather than hating the other person which still shows you have some feelings/emotions, the aim is to become indifferent towards them. To reach a point where they just don't matter to you. Where you have no desire to know what they're doing. You don't stalk their social media and stuff like that.

Basically getting to where you don't care....which is pretty much the place some SMs are at with the SC right now.

Nobody chooses to be come a step parent.

I don't agree with this, because I see it that by choosing a man or woman who has DC, you have in turn chosen to be a SP.

My SIL is a SM. She knew DB had DC and she chose that. She actually incorporated them in their wedding vows. It was a choice. I know she doesn't feel indifferent to their existence and even when DB has travelled on business, the DC still go over and see her, as they have a good relationship with her and there's a mutual fondness. Sometimes (pre pandemic) my SIL and niece would go out just the 2 of them.

Of course every relationship is different. Some people hate the SC and some kids hate their SPs.

People accept becoming step parent.

For some people, like myself, certainly before I had my own kids, I wouldn't have a relationship with a man who had kids, because I didn't want to get to the point of being serious and have this issue. I didn't want to set up home with a man.who would have finances committed elsewhere. I didn't want to be a SP. Surely if you don't want to be one, you wouldn't even entertain a man with kids in this regard.

It's like saying I don't want to marry a short man, yet you do. Knowing he's short and that won't change. The kids and height were not hidden factors.

Perhaps in saying accept, I'm wondering if it's accepting that your options are limited and you have to settle for a man who has kids (even though you would rather he didn't) for whatever reason...maybe age, bio clock, confidence or something else.

@Magda72
When two people get together THEIR relationship should be the central one.

Not when he already has children I’m afraid.
Something so many SMs can’t seem to comprehend at all.

That’s different to what the OP was referring to though. She does not sound jealous of her SCs. Just concerned that her feelings for them aren’t stronger.

Actually @Coronawireless you are very wrong about that.

I've studied psychotherapy for years & one of the acknowledged central tenets of family dynamics (no matter what the family set up) is that the relationship between the two adults is the one that is most important to the smooth & secure 'running' of a family. Children may fight that relationship (even in 'intact' families) but they do so in order to test the boundaries & children fare better when they know the relationship between the married/cohabiting adults in their lives is unshakable - that's actually where children feel at their safest.

Perhaps in saying accept, I'm wondering if it's accepting that your options are limited and you have to settle for a man who has kids (even though you would rather he didn't) for whatever reason...maybe age, bio clock, confidence or something else.
No, I mean that at the age of 25, with my own shit together, I met the person I wanted to marry. I accepted his daughter, I didn’t choose him because of her, I got her in my life because she came with him.
I wouldn’t have chosen to become her step mother independently of our relationship, because that’s not how it works.
I also don’t think many SPs start out aiming for indifference. See Magdas PP on how that comes about.

Soooo normal. I like my SD, she's a great girl (aged 11) and have been with her dad for 9 years, who is wonderful. But I don't feel maternal towards her. She often tells me I'm her best friend - and that's just fine.

@Magda72

Actually *@Coronawireless* you are very wrong about that. I've studied psychotherapy for years & one of the acknowledged central tenets of family dynamics (no matter what the family set up) is that the relationship between the two adults is the one that is most important to the smooth & secure 'running' of a family. Children may fight that relationship (even in 'intact' families) but they do so in order to test the boundaries & children fare better when they know the relationship between the married/cohabiting adults in their lives is unshakable - that's actually where children feel at their safest.

Sure - so when the two parents agree, the children feel safe. But when you have a situation where the parents don’t agree - where a dad wants to see a lot of his child and the new SM tries to obstruct that...that is not a good dynamic for a family. The SM may phrase it as “but the parents should put each other first” when what she really means is, the man should take my side and put ME first. I didn’t sense any of that from the OP though.

Seems totally normal. Step children are a part of their parents family, so by extension part of yours, but it's like an in law relationship. Plus they have two parents already.

As for wanting alone time, again totally normal. I'm not a step parent and I like getting out for walks by myself without my children and without my DH. Even though I love them, I still need alone time.

where a dad wants to see a lot of his child and the new SM tries to obstruct that
If the new SM tries to obstruct contact because she doesn’t accept the children then she’s an arsehole and he’s a silly man for putting up with it.
If she tries to obstruct extra contact at the expense of her sanity, being messed around, let down and relationship being bottom of the pile at every turn then he’s and arsehole and she’s a silly woman for putting up with it.
Like most things in life, balance is key. One person always being priority over another isn’t fair or healthy, it will lead to resentment and damage the central relationship that the children’s security is supposed to be built on.

The relationship between the SP and parent is of course the primary one. It's the reason you're there, otherwise dad would have been looking for a governess, not a girlfriend. It isn't done for the benefit of the children, it is just intended not to be done to their detriment. The parent decides that their need to have a romantic relationship is greater than their children's need for them not to.

Having an adult in the house for half or less of the time who doesn't feel parental love for you doesn't have to have a negative affect on the SC. Like everybody else they have two parents who love them that way, and everyone else is just kind to them but does not feel that way.

The parent can decide they don't want anyone around their children that doesn't feel that way about them, but then we come back around to the above point, where the parent decided their need for a romantic relationship outweighed the risk of it being detrimental to their kids. That was the point they should have prioritized differently if they genuinely believed their kids would be harmed by simply having someone around who doesn't love them like a parent, because that was never going to be a reasonable expectation to put onto a partner.

If more parents saw it that way, perhaps THEY would make more educated decisions about whether to seek out a partner.

I do think that the “poor children having a step parent who doesn’t love them” perspective doesn’t take into account that the presence of a step parent in a child’s life isn’t what’s prevented them from growing up in the ideal nuclear family set-up of two biological parents living happily under the same roof. The child would’ve been living in a household where the relationship between their parents was unhealthy or intolerable to the point where they felt compelled to separate. At that point the child has a different future ahead of them regardless of whether their parents stay single or find someone new. A step parent hiding their indifference by acting kindly and interested towards their DSC isn’t going to poison the atmosphere in a house anything like two parents attempting 24/7 to hide that they dislike each other enough to want to break their family apart.

I also don’t believe children will pick up on warm indifference as long as you’re being nice and making an effort with them. My DSC had no idea that their mum or dad didn’t give a monkeys about videos of Minecraft or Angry Birds or whatever else they were obsessed with at the time. Or that they already knew about xyz fascinating fact and were just playing along by nodding and smiling. Or that they found their school plays dull as fuck to watch. Well guess what, step parents can fake that shit too! Add to that that they saw me planning and cooking them nice meals, helping do their laundry, spending time with them, coming along on family activities etc and there was no reason for them to feel I was indifferent towards them. I only started having issues with them when I married DH and DSC’s mother turned hostile.

Step parents can also be a positive presence in a child’s life not only directly but also by helping ease emotional or financial burdens faced by the child’s parent(s). My own DH was able to afford a bigger/nicer place to house his DC because of my financial contribution. He was also a happier person to be around.

Ultimately if the parents do their job properly and only introduce someone into their DC’s lives who’s willing to treat everyone well, and the parent does their best to balance everyone’s needs and wants fairly, then the positives for the children can be significant.

I love my SC but they came when they were little so I do think that makes a difference. My sibling is also a step parent and met their SC at 18 months so loves them very much too.

I completely understand why it would be different if they were older when you came into their lives. I imagine it would be like how I feel about my nephews and nieces, I don't actively miss them but I care for them and care about them.

No, I mean that at the age of 25, with my own shit together, I met the person I wanted to marry. I accepted his daughter, I didn’t choose him because of her, I got her in my life because she came with him.

I guess this is where we have a difference of opinion, because at 25, in my prime and not having concerns about fertility or anything else, the minute a man told me he had a child, I would no longer view him as someone I wanted a relationship with.

I'd be really upset if my 25 to DD was with a man who already had kids and she was childfree.

I didn't want the ex wife or mother of my kid drama.

I didn't want the "Can't see you tonight because I have my son"

I didn't want the "This happened when Troy was a baby and you're not doing it right "
It just isn't an area I was prepared to go because my life experience even at the age of 18/19, meant that when I thought of a life partner, I wanted to get married and have kids with someone who didn't already have any and we would experience our "firsts' together. I didn't want to take second place to his kids.

There's no way a SP will feel the same about a child that's not theirs - I wouldn't. I don't know why one would realistically think this is possible. I do think that pretending you care, when you're indifferent seems fake.

There are some SMs here who have expressed indifference, others have said they don't love them, but are fond of them or like them. I think the latter is fine.

Indifference is not the same as not loving your SC.

All families will have their own dynamics that come into play.
It depends on if you had or now have your own kids.
It depends on if you have a joint child with your DH/DP which is your SCs half sibling.

If you have fertility issues, that creates problems with some SMs wanting his kids to disappear.

If you have a miscarriage, his kids become a trigger and you don't want them to come over for a while. You'd never feel this way if it was your own child and you then had a miscarriage.

The ages of the SC can be a factor, along with numerous other issues.

I've already advised my DD not to have relationships with men who have kids, as it comes with a lot of headache they don't need. I share some of the nightmares on here with them.

Though surprisingly, I do know there are families who have blended successfully and are very happy. They just have no need to post here, which gives a skewed view of step families.

@Sisterlove I will be advising my DD to steer clear of men with children, too, but I didn't have anyone knowledgeable to give me that advice. I was 22. Not everyone in their 20s is thinking long term when they form relationships or even seeking out a partner, they simply fall for somebody they know, with no prior criteria formed in their mind.

I really reject the idea that it is the step parent's responsibility to know what the dynamic is like including the hardships, and even more so, to avoid it on the basis of not being inclined to deeply love their future DC. By virtue of my DP seeking out a relationship with me, I assumed he was comfortable with someone being in his son's life who isn't his parent and as such doesn't love him like one. He's his child, he's the one who knows him and is responsible for making decisions with his interests at heart. I wasn't about to reject the man I loved on the basis that I think his child that I don't know and have no experience of (or indeed any other children) would be adversely affected by my mere presence if I didn't deeply love him. I assumed my partner had that kind of consideration covered.

To draw an analogy, it's not a dissimilar argument to the one about who is to blame for an affair, the man who made the vows or the single OW, though I appreciate that is equally divisive.

Parents need to go into relationships knowing the other person might well not feel strongly about their kids and that is to be expected, rather than assuming they will and then bullying and guilt tripping them for not feeling that way.

If you have a miscarriage, his kids become a trigger and you don't want them to come over for a while. You'd never feel this way if it was your own child and you then had a miscarriage

Sorry I have to disagree with this. My DSCs mum had a miscarriage late last year and asked us if we'd keep the DSC with us for a while so she could grieve. We did and didn't think she was wrong for asking at all. Everyone feels the need for space sometimes, yes...even from their own children.

Agree @aSofaNearYou

In the same way no one says 'you knew what you were possibly getting into' when someone splits with their child's other parent and they end up with a step parent. It's always a possibility when you split with your child's parent that they will eventually go on to have a step parent. But funnily parents aren't supposed to be prepared for everything that means prior to splitting up in the same way step parents are supposed to know everything involved prior to dating a man with kids.

"If you have a miscarriage, his kids become a trigger and you don't want them to come over for a while. You'd never feel this way if it was your own child and you then had a miscarriage"

This wasn't how I felt at all after my miscarriages so noone can speak on behalf of others accurately. My SC meant even more to me during that time because I was so grateful to have them at least.

I genuinely think the best people should hope for is for their partner to be kind to their kids. I think the pressure to love them like they are your own is insane and would never be expected in any other scenario.

There is such a cruel irony in the amount of people on here (and in real life) who would insist that the mother-child relationship is sacrosanct and unique and you should never try to step into mum's shoes, but equally also expect the SM to be able to magic up that motherly strength of feeling for her stepchildren while also staying in 'her place'.

I am very fond of my stepkids and they are fond of me but that's as far as it goes. We get on well and enjoy spending time together, but equally go months without seeing each other (out of lockdown my OH has the kids at PIL's due to space). We happily pick up where we left off each time, but in the same way they don't love me like a mother I don't love them like they are my children. And that's totally fine by all parties concerned!

You'd never feel this way if it was your own child and you then had a miscarriage"

Utter claptrap. Being childfree allowed me to grieve / cry/ process my loss. Something I could not do in front of my children. I told my exh I was feeling really unwell (women’s problems) and could he have the children a few extra days. He did. I did not want my own children around when it was happening and immediately after.

My exp however dutifully had his children per contact, at his house. Leaving me alone. I was a good non interfering SM.
Our relationship didn’t survive just abject selfishness however.

*such not just

Some of the sweeping/ judgemental generalisations on these threads about SM’s really need to stop. Horrific behaviour and posts. Some of you really need to think long and hard about your attitude towards step parents and their needs.

I guess this is where we have a difference of opinion, because at 25, in my prime and not having concerns about fertility or anything else, the minute a man told me he had a child, I would no longer view him as someone I wanted a relationship with.

I wouldn't have chosen it either but I met my OH when I was 26 and fell in love!

I wasn't looking for somebody with kids - in fact would actively have said I didn't want to date someone with kids - but obviously before you have been in a relationship with children involved you don't know how it will be. I had my worries about coming 2nd, always chopping and changing the routine, the kids not liking me etc, but in fact, none of that came into fruition. There have been other bumps in the road and I assume a lot more to come, but you just can't predict how it will go before you've had the experience at all.

@sassbott am I correct in thinking that your exp left you alone after you miscarried his child?
If this is too personal just ignore.

If you have a miscarriage, his kids become a trigger and you don't want them to come over for a while. You'd never feel this way if it was your own child and you then had a miscarriage
Actually, my DS1 was 11 months old when DS2 was stillborn at 34 weeks. I nearly died of multiple organ failure and found it very hard being around DS1 initially.
Thankfully DH priority was me at this time and his ex wasn’t one of these arseholes that would foist their child into a situation whether it was appropriate or not.
We took it slow. DH has never dropped plans with me to have DSD extra except in emergencies or as part of a “do you mind if we do x on Friday instead of Saturday and if not it’s fine” type conversation, he’s never put her before me in a competitive sense either, obviously insofar as she’s his dependant child but certainly not allowed her to ride roughshod over the rest of the family just because her parents have split up.
I would not have continued the relationship under those circumstances.