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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don't really feel anything?

157 replies

FickleBanana · 26/01/2021 10:35

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2021 11:28

Of course it's normal.

You need to look at where the pressure is coming from, whether it is just in your head or whether it is real, because if it is then it needs to change. Don't feel like you need to keep up a pretence, it will isolate you and it should not be necessary. Talk to your partner about the fact that you get on well with his kids, but being around other people's kids for that length of time is intense and you need a bit of space every now and then. If he hits back with anything close to a guilt trip about loving them like they're your own, remind him in no uncertain terms that they are NOT your own and that's a wholly unrealistic expectation. Don't internalise it and blame yourself, it isn't reasonable for him to expect that of you.

Similarly with friends and family etc, you should absolutely feel free to point out that you don't have two kids, they're your step kids. It may well be well intentioned but other people do not get to dictate whether you see them as your children or not, and I do think it's quite rude for them to jump to that conclusion. Giving the benefit of the doubt, they probably didn't think it through, but you shouldn't feel afraid to explain the situation as it is. There's nothing wrong with how you feel.

SpongebobNoPants · 26/01/2021 11:32

Nah you’re totally normal. I like my stepchildren and have a sense of care for them, quite often enjoy their company but I don’t miss them when they’re not here.
Whereas when my son goes to stay with his dad for the weekend, by the 2nd night I’m missing him incredibly.

Don’t beat yourself up. As long as you’re kind and fair to them then that’s though

Tiredoftattler · 26/01/2021 11:46

OP, you may be beating up on yourself needlessly. You say that you do not feel as though they are your children. They are not your children, and they may not perceive you as a parent figure of any sort. In fact, they may feel about you in exactly the same manner that you feel about them.

Like you, they may love your husband enough to pretend that they feel more than they actually feel for you . If you were to leave, they too might not go looking for you.

If you are kind and polite to them and they are kind and polite to you, that should be sufficient to maintain a comfortable and friction free household.

Others may have a more feeling centered relationship with their step children, but that is not the nature of your relationship. Accept who you are, and celebrate the fact that your home seems friction free.

You are seeking to fix something that may not be broken.

lunar1 · 26/01/2021 11:48

I think it's fine to feel that way, but you should be aware that the children probably do love you, they are young and you have been around for most of their life.

I think for some stepchildren it can be worse than parents divorcing when the relationship ends as they can instantly lose someone they see as a parent, whereas the generally see the NRP after a split.

LindaEllen · 26/01/2021 11:50

It's definitely normal! I'm the same with my DSS. We get on well, I want the best for him, I do everything a 'mum' would do if it was a biological relationship - but I don't love him, I don't miss him when he's not there and - indeed - I also like having a break. Not so much to have time with my DP, though that's obviously nice, but more a break from all the noise! The house is so loud when DSS is here, as he's always chatting to friends and playing games online. His room sounds (and looks, to be fair) like an actual war zone most of the time.

We have custody, his mum has him EOW, so our 'breaks' are quite few and far between.

But life here is fine when he is here. Just like any other house with a teenage boy, I'd guess! It's just that I do enjoy alone time, too.

It didn't help that I only came into his life when he was already a teenager. I imagine it'd be much easier to 'bond' with younger children, as you'd have a more active role in their care. DSS didn't need any form of 'hands on' care by the time I came into his life.

But don't feel pressured to love your stepchildren. IMO, so long as they feel at home, comfortable, safe and wanted, that's all that matter. Mine certainly does - and I'm sure yours do too!

sassbott · 26/01/2021 12:12

Perfectly normal IMO.

The part that slightly worries me is your DH’s expectations and this feeling you have of needing to justify yourself. That tells me there is a very real expectation/ emotional pressure (from him) to feel more than you do. Which has in part lead to you posting this. If everyone else tells you you ‘should’ be feeling a certain way, the natural next step to that is ‘what’s wrong with me?’

Nothing is wrong with you. They’re not your children, so why would you feel anything more than you already do. I have no idea why so many men expect their partners to essentially be a replacement mum. It was never an expectation I put on my exp regards my children.

I would have a calm conversation with your DH about your need for your time when the children are there. Do it when you are both relaxed, I think you will have to iterate that you care for the children, however for your own well-being/ care you also need your own downtime. Make it about you needing this time, not about the children. Makes it less emotive.

BigMamaFratelli · 26/01/2021 12:37

Totally normal. Or at least I hope so because that's pretty much how I feel!

I love dsd, but not dss although I'd obviously never let him know and try my hardest to treat them equally. I think it's because dsd is a toddler and needs more from me maybe, like cuddles and carrying and nappy changes. And I've been there for her milestones - learning to walk and talk.
When they aren't here it takes a few days for me to miss her though, and I'm not sure I ever miss dss. We have them 50:50 but it feels like an extended play date rather than anything more I guess.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 12:54

I don't understand how some people genuinely expect to dictate that one person should love another person just because they're in each other's lives through circumstance (not saying love can't develop over time, I object to the suggestion that it should). Why should it be an expectation for no reason other than the person in question is a child? Does that mean I can choose to "unlove" them when they reach 18?! What if my MIL needed to move in with us, would I have to love her too?

You don't have to love a child to be kind, caring, warm and willing to engage with them. All this love them like their own BS only serves to enable parents to offload some of their responsibilities onto their partner.

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 15:02

I don’t think it’s a good idea to pretend to love anyone. No good can come of that because the hurt that could be caused if you’re ever found out could be greater than any good you think you might be doing now.
If you’re kind and welcoming, care about and want the best for them, that’s great - that’s all they need from you and all your husband has a right to expect.
It’s a rare person who can really truly cross their hearts and hope to die “love their DSC like their own”. Life just doesn’t work like that.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 26/01/2021 15:12

Completely understandable OP.

I would agree with @sassbott about your DH’s expectations..... you shouldn’t have to justify yourself. Also, with prompting you to take / invite the kids with you when you have some space for yourself - that needs addressing as you shouldn't be treated as childcare when all you’re after is a bit of space.

I agree with people referring to them as your kids. My DH’s family are constantly ramming the subject of the SC down my throat at any given opportunity and trying to force their unreasonable expectations on me.

Fufumuji · 26/01/2021 15:16

IT is normal, but it's also a reason why stepfamilies are such a bad idea a lot of the time. Children having to live half their lives with someone who is in a parental role but who is entirely indifferent to them. It's not great for them.

(not commenting on the OP personally, her life and feelings are none of my business)

MrsMarrio · 26/01/2021 15:18

Think I would be this way if I had any sc (I don't) I just view it as the same as any member as my DH family. I'm not overly bothered about seeing them and I certainly don't love them. And I would find it very odd if DH thought otherwise. I care about their well being but only so far as it would impact my DH.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 15:24

@Fufumuji Where has anyone said that it's ok for a step parent to start out being "entirely indifferent" to their step child?

(I say start out because if a step parent has to endure months or even years of their DSC becoming rude or hostile towards them then sometimes the only way to cope is for the step parent to detach).

Fufumuji · 26/01/2021 15:30

Where has anyone said that it's ok for a step parent to start out being "entirely indifferent" to their step child?

Everyone on the thread? OP says she has no feelings one way or the other for her SDC. That means she is indifferent. Everyone said: that's normal.
Did you not understand the thread?

Youseethethingis · 26/01/2021 15:38

She also says she makes an effort with them and wants the best for them.

Just because she’s not gushing with love doesn’t mean the kids are going to be damaged

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 15:42

@Fufumuji

Where has anyone said that it's ok for a step parent to start out being "entirely indifferent" to their step child?

Everyone on the thread? OP says she has no feelings one way or the other for her SDC. That means she is indifferent. Everyone said: that's normal.
Did you not understand the thread?

"I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming." "I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me." "I like my stepchildren and have a sense of care for them, quite often enjoy their company." "If you are kind and polite to them and they are kind and polite to you, that should be sufficient to maintain a comfortable and friction free household."
"If you’re kind and welcoming, care about and want the best for them, that’s great."

I would say you don't understand what "indifference" means.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 26/01/2021 15:43

We can’t win. Same ole argument.

If we’re indifferent or detached or don’t miss them then we’re cold and unfeeling. Poor kids.

If we’re enthusiastic and involved or heaven forbid ever have an opinion ..... woah there Missus! They’re not your kids. Who do you think you are?

Honestly...... I’m going to eye-roll myself into another dimension one of these days.

zafferana · 26/01/2021 15:45

As long as you make the effort OP, that's the main thing, and it sounds like you do. If you're welcoming, kind and fair you don't need to love them and they don't need to love you. I don't love my step parents, never have, and they've been my step parents for 40 years.

funinthesun19 · 26/01/2021 15:47

Everyone on the thread? OP says she has no feelings one way or the other for her SDC. That means she is indifferent. Everyone said: that's normal.

No feelings one way or the other. Genuine question: what is actually wrong with that? I bet she’s kind and caring towards them and she’s said she wants them to be happy- isn’t that enough? Do you want her to be all excited about them and gush with love about them and pine for them?
She’s just got a relaxed approach and I think that’s actually very healthy!
It’s suffocating when people tell you to feel a certain way.

Fufumuji · 26/01/2021 15:50

I would say you don't understand what "indifference" means

I would say you don't. She literally said "I don't feel anything for them, I don't care when they aren't here, I'm not bothered in the slightest that they can't come..." OP says she is indifferent to them.

I'm not judging, I'd feel the same. But if we're going to have the conversation, do it honestly at least. She's indifferent to her stepchildren, its the actual topic of the thread!

Fufumuji · 26/01/2021 15:51

Genuine question: what is actually wrong with that? I bet she’s kind and caring towards them and she’s said she wants them to be happy- isn’t that enough? Do you want her to be all excited about them and gush with love about them and pine for them?

Did I say there was anything wrong with it? Didn't I agree it was normal? Didn't I literally say OP's feelings are none of my business?

Why do people bother to post on these threads without reading, or knowing what they are about? Seems utterly pointless.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 15:51

I'm guessing I must be acting all dismissive and cold to everyone in my life who's not DH seeing as I don't "love" any of them.

I only there was some kind of utopian middle ground to be had somehow

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 15:54

Did I say there was anything wrong with it?

"it's also a reason why stepfamilies are such a bad idea a lot of the time"

Sophagain · 26/01/2021 15:56

I don’t find this particularly shocking, I’m sure the feelings are completely normal. It’s just so sad isn’t it. I really hope my children never have to be part of a step family.

Fufumuji · 26/01/2021 15:58

"it's also a reason why stepfamilies are such a bad idea a lot of the time"

Yes, as a concept. Didn't say there was anything wrong with OP's feelings though, they seem perfectly normal.

I'm guessing I must be acting all dismissive and cold to everyone in my life who's not DH seeing as I don't "love" any of them

a) wtf has that got to do with the thread? (indifferent doesn't mean dismissive and cold. It means no feelings either way) and
b) do you not love anyone at all in the world other than your husband?

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