I don't really feel anything?

[FickleBanana]

Is this normal?

I just don't really have any sort of feeling one way or another about my DSC.

I've known them 5 years now, married to their Dad for 2.

I'm not horrible or distant, I make an effort to be involved with them and welcoming. I do not love them and I can't see that changing. I don't really have any sort of strong feeling at all.

I honestly and I'm not saying it to be nasty, just honest, don't care when they aren't here. There have been a couple of occasions throughout this current situation where they've not been able to come due to testing positive/close contact and whilst my husband has been obviously upset at not seeing them, I've quite honestly enjoyed the break and it's not bothered me in the slightest.

I get on with them perfectly well. They seem very comfortable around me so I don't think I'm terrible to live with or anything. Just personally I don't really have any strong feelings still toward them and I'm wondering if that's normal? They live with us 50% of the time so it's not like an EOW set up or anything.

I'd say my feelings probably go as far as friends children. So I care in the sense that I want the best for them but my relationship with them is purely down to the fact I am friends with their parents (in this case married to their Dad), I wouldn't look to or be bothered about, carrying on any sort of relationship if we were to break up for example.

My family and sometimes friends often talk about them as if they are my children, I can't think of an exact example now but you know like 'well you've got two kids' etc... And I just think... I don't feel like they are my kids in any way? And tbh it makes me uncomfortable when people talk as if they are, I don't know why.

I also feel uncomfortable sometimes because I know my husband thinks that I love them or at least he wants to believe I do. And I feel the need to put on a pretence of 'cant wait to see the kids!' Or 'ive missed them loads' when they've not been here a while for his sake. And sometimes I feel a bit smothered, for example, I sometimes make my excuses to go and do something else on a weekend so they can spend time with their Dad and I'll get a bit of questioning from DH or he'll suggest we all go or sometimes even asks if they want to go with me. So if I say I'm going to go on a walk for a bit with the dog whilst you watch X or play Y with them, he'll say oh why don't you ask if so and so wants to go with you and then I'll feel like I can't say no. I like having space for a bit for myself when they are here and I feel like I have to justify it sometimes.

@Magda72 I won’t be too specific about the circumstances/ they are slightly more nuanced than what I’ve disclosed on here. He was there at the time (in person but emotionally absent). But left physically within days.

Let’s just put it like this. I felt very alone throughout. And as someone who had supported him a lot with his children, it was just, heartless.

@Youseethethingis . So sorry x

So sorry for everyone who has suffered losses

Who knew us SMs are flesh and blood women with real lives, tragedies and needs of our own eh? 😱

We're not. We're just there to be held to higher standards than a child's own parents and told how shit we are for struggling with not being practically perfect in every way.

Sorry for those who have suffered miscarriages, as I didn't mean to cause offence.

It's just that I've regularly seen on here, that the SM finds the SC to be a trigger and requests/wants to request that they don't come for their scheduled visitation afterwards.

I think it's got to be natural not to 'love' someone else's children, right? It's not as though they need you to do more than the basics because they already have two parents. 🤷‍♀️

@Sisterlove

Sorry for those who have suffered miscarriages, as I didn't mean to cause offence.

It's just that I've regularly seen on here, that the SM finds the SC to be a trigger and requests/wants to request that they don't come for their scheduled visitation afterwards.

And do you have any understanding or empathy that that's not necessarily a bad thing depending on the circumstances?

It's just that I've regularly seen on here, that the SM finds the SC to be a trigger and requests/wants to request that they don't come for their scheduled visitation afterwards
This is perfectly natural and, as you now know, can also be true of a woman’s own DC. It’s not a slight against any of the DC involved, it simply speaks of the magnitude of pain that the woman is in at that time.
A woman in this position deserves compassion rather than scorn for not being good enough. Her needs are greater than the DCs at this particular time.

It's not a slight against any of the DC involved, it simply speaks of the magnitude of pain that the woman is in at the time

I think this is key. A complicated birth will alter your perception of what childbirth is, but it seems to me society has built up a false image of childbirth being nothing to complain about because it is "natural", but death is also natural and nobody would treat someone as being dramatic or selfish for their response to going through that. Childbirth is by far the most traumatic, natural experience either sex will ever have to go through and come out of the other side. I would wager the pressure on women to be back on their feet and prioritising others quickly after giving birth stems from the wider issue of women being undervalued and kept in their place. But the reality is childbirth is a dangerous and traumatic medical emergency, above and beyond it being an emotional right of passage for the family at large. The mothers needs are paramount. It may turn out to be more straightforward and positive an experience than that for some, but it should be taken seriously for the reality of what it is.

Lets not also forget that first births are statistically likely to be longer and more complicated than second births, so the likelihood of a childless step mother needing more care afterwards is higher than a mother having her second child.

The baby loss element is ringing true right now - I lost my daughter in September, her due date was is this weekend and everything my DSDs do right now is driving me crazy. It's not their fault, and I'm trying to be adult about it, but the fact that they're here and she's not is enough to piss me off - despite that being completely irrational.

When I came out of hospital after having her, I needed a couple of days away from them. They were at my dads and I have to say, awful as it sounds, my heart sank when they came home as it meant I had to pull myself together a certain amount, rather than just being the soggy mess that I had been. They were amazing, couldn't be prouder of how they handled it, but it still stung at the time, and does at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SlipperTripper really sorry for what you're going through

@SlipperTripper
You’ve touched on an element of this that is SM specific, totally natural, and a horrible way to feel and deal with - the fact that your DSC are here and your own precious baby isn’t.
I’d have swapped DSD for my DS2 in a heartbeat if it was within my power, but wouldn’t swap DS1. So I was feeling guilty that my body killed my baby, feeling guilty that I didn’t want to be around DS1 and on top of all that I felt guilty for wishing that my DSD didn’t exist.
That’s a shit tonne of emotions for anyone to make any sense of. Passed it now but just horrific at the time.

I wouldn't have chosen it either but I met my OH when I was 26 and fell in love!

But surely, you get to know someone before you fall in love. You must know a bit about them, like their occupation, their country of origin and such pretty early on.

Like I would never have a relationship with someone in the army. It scares me that they are at high risk of death, so I wouldn't get to fall in love and then say, I didn't choose it.

I genuinely think the best people should hope for is for their partner to be kind to their kids. I think the pressure to love them like they are your own is insane and would never be expected in any other scenario

I do agree. You would expect and hope a partner would be kind and fair to your child, if not they shouldn't be with you.

I wouldn't marry someone if I could just about tolerate his mum, especially if his DM meant a lot to him and they were close. I see this situation when people have an interfering MIL...if she interfered before marriage, she will interfere after marriage and get worse. Then added to that, he is incapable of standing up to her and having your back. Then years later you complain about MIL, when the actual problem is your DH/DP who allows his mum to be a PITA (pain in the arse) to you. Not much different to the SC issue really.

There seems to be a lot of tolerating and accomodatin of SC, which can't be easy if you have to see the DC regularly.

I wouldn't choose to put myself in a position where I had to tolerate someone in my home EOW, when I really don't care for them one way or another.

What I find upsetting, is the way that some SP so obviously treat their joint child differently from their SC. Like shouting at the SC, but when the joint child or their own does the same and nothing happens.

That sort of thing is very damaging to the child and the parent, should not allow their child to be treated as such, regardless of any expectations of love.

Asofa
You said something about what the parent of the child should expect or not expect. Maybe they're grateful that they could find a woman to accept their child.

Maybe they assume if a partner couldn't be better than indifferent to their child, they would choose a man without a child.

I know that if a man said he was indifferent towards my child, certainly while they were young, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

There's just an element of fakery about it all, but each to their own and if it works for people, acting like they care, then so be it.

I'd rather not spend my life in that way- it's too short to pretend I miss your kids or give a damn, when never seeing them again wouldn't phase me.

I also have to say from reading MN , it tends to be the stepdad who treats SC less favourably and as they usually live with him most of the time, it's bad.

It would be great if everyone entering a blended family situation had therapy and had the opportunity to speak to other blended families via support groups and explore potential problems. In the same way some have pre marriage counselling, by discussing areas of potential conflict before they arise.

Sometime couples decide not to get married after that, which saves future headache.

But surely, you get to know someone before you fall in love. You must know a bit about them, like their occupation, their country of origin and such pretty early on.

Like I would never have a relationship with someone in the army. It scares me that they are at high risk of death, so I wouldn't get to fall in love and then say, I didn't choose it.

I just feel like it's a little more complex than that, you don't just meet someone and then decide whether you do or don't want to go ahead and love them based on rational factors. You develop feelings for them and those feelings make you want to give things a go.

I'd say even more so when you're young. Like now I'm 32 and if my OH and I split up I'd make every effort not to get involved with another man with kids because I know how it impacts your life. Whereas when I was 26 and met my OH I had no knowledge or experience of that.

@Sisterlove None of the people on here have used the term "indifferent" to describe their level of feeling for their step children, but my point is that parents should not get a free pass to expect people to love their children. If them being kind, liking them but potentially not feeling much more than that isn't enough, then they need to recognise that they are the one's with unfair and unrealistic expectations. They should not go into a relationship expecting parental love for their kids and prepared to pile on years of guilt trips and gaslighting if the other person doesn't feel that way. It is the parents who are wrong to assume everybody who gets into a relationship with them should love their children like their own, rather than the step parents being wrong to assume that wouldn't be necessary.

It's just that I've regularly seen on here, that the SM finds the SC to be a trigger and requests/wants to request that they don't come for their scheduled visitation afterwards.

Using miscarriage as an example of why stepmums are selfish is a bit crass to be honest. I can’t believe you’ve even used it.

It’s super crass. Completely distasteful and yet encapsulates perfectly how dismissive society/ posters/ women/ first wives(?) become as soon as the term SM is involved.
Situations that in every other walk of life would encompass huge amounts of empathy, sympathy, consideration? No, not if you’re a SM. How dare you still not prioritise your SC.

It’s vile.

It is the parents who are wrong to assume everybody who gets into a relationship with them should love their children like their own, rather than the step parents being wrong to assume that wouldn't be necessary.

Totally agree with this.

I think people need to accept that only their child's other parent will love them as deeply and unconditionally as they do, and that it's the decision to end that relationship that exposes the children to the potential of a different life - rather than the fault of the step-parent.

@Sisterlove

"But surely, you get to know someone before you fall in love. You must know a bit about them, like their occupation, their country of origin and such pretty early on."

But you could say that about any relationship that progresses to the couple moving in together.

Step parents face the additional problem of being in that catch-22 situation of not being able to meet the children until you're as sure as you can be that your relationship is serious. That kind of timescale doesn't apply to meeting other family members such as the MIL.

By the time things start going wrong your lives are much more likely to be physically and/or emotionally entangled. You also might be more likely to try and stick it out because all other aspects of the relationship are really good and you know the DCs won't be dependant children forever. The SMs who are (un)lucky enough to encounter all the issues early on enough to walk away with relative ease obviously have no need to post here.

"What I find upsetting, is the way that some SP so obviously treat their joint child differently from their SC. Like shouting at the SC, but when the joint child or their own does the same and nothing happens."

I most often read of that happening where the (male) step parent shouts at the DC he resides with full time (either his own biological DC or the SM's own children) but lets his own/older DC come round and cause havoc during their access time.

"It would be great if everyone entering a blended family situation had therapy and had the opportunity to speak to other blended families via support groups and explore potential problems. In the same way some have pre marriage counselling, by discussing areas of potential conflict before they arise."

Unlike pre-marriage counselling where the couple form the unit and can therefore have total agency to decide between themselves how to conduct their relationship, it's almost impossible to predict how a blended family might or might not work because you are ENTIRELY reliant on the behaviour of ALL parties involved as to whether your approach will be a success or failure. Most of us go into step parenting already anticipating the common pitfalls but you only have to see the preconceptions and judgement on this forum from people who have no experience of being an actual step parent to know how unrealistic many of those perceptions are when applied to real life. "You should love them as your own while not being allowed to treat them as your own" being a prime example.

Step parents can argue till they're blue in the face that no it's not like that when you're experiencing things for yourself but people will still insist on giving weight to their own theories over your actual lived experience. That's why such counselling is unlikely to work - it's genuinely impossible to have a playbook as to how to navigate step parenting other than the stuff we all already know e.g. be nice to the DCs, expect their needs to take precedence over yours when appropriate etc etc. But even if it were possible to get couples to take heed, people will still assume they'll be different because they know they're a reasonable human being and at worst they'll just rub along with everyone else involved. It's only once you have direct experience of all the additional variables caused by e.g. Disney parenting or the ongoing presence of an Ex, especially a toxic one, that you truly appreciate just what that means in practice.

@Fufumuji

IT is normal, but it's also a reason why stepfamilies are such a bad idea a lot of the time. Children having to live half their lives with someone who is in a parental role but who is entirely indifferent to them. It's not great for them.

(not commenting on the OP personally, her life and feelings are none of my business)

I agree. And it’s probably why I’ll stay single until they are much much older.

I don’t expect anyone else to love my children but I wouldn’t settle for indifference either. Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand.

I wonder if the fathers knew exactly how their new wives felt about their children would they actually marry them in the first place? Seems as though there is quite a lot of deception.

What I find upsetting, is the way that some SP so obviously treat their joint child differently from their SC. Like shouting at the SC, but when the joint child or their own does the same and nothing happens.

Although I do think this is unfair and would do my utmost not to be like this myself when I have a child of my own, I do think that most would agree that parents find their own kids more tolerable than other people's children, even when they are badly behaved or annoying.

And that still applies in a step situation, except it's even more intense because you're likely to be spending a load more time with your stepkids than you do with any others that aren't your own.

Step-parents are only human too.

Children are incredibly intuitive i’d bet many step mothers think they have gotten away with it but kids will know where they stand
They will know who is and isn’t their parent, who will and won’t love them like a parent and who they love and don’t love like a parent.
I still think unfulfilled expectations are the key to a lot of these issues. Why would the DC expect more than warmth and kindness unless they had been told “this is your new mummy/daddy?” And if they don’t expect it why then would they be damaged by the lack of it?

@sassbott - a lot of sympathy for you. Totally unacceptable behaviour & as you said - very heartless. I didn't have that scenario but I did have a time where I was dreadfully unwell with a kidney infection (the sort that you just couldn't function with) and I found it very ironic that my exh & his dw offered to hold on to the kids for extra days & drop food into me, & yet my 'd'p saw fit to leave me alone because his 13, 16 & 19 year olds couldn't be without him for one weekend!!!
I wonder how your exp (and mine) will fare in years to come when their dc are all grown up & they're sat there by themselves wondering why they're alone?

@Bibidy totally agree.

Other peoples kids are annoying, end of. I can completely tune out my DDs tuneless warble she likes to do when shes concentrating but I can tell it irritates DH. Hes not mean about it, just sighs and makes faces and turns the TV up until I notice and ask her to stop. Likewise, my DSDs constant miserable expression and attitude is so bloody annoying to me, especially when we've spent money on a treat or a day out and shes just sulky and glaring. I never say anything, just ask if shes okay and if she needs anything, but I cant stand it and DH genuinely doesn't seem to notice until we look at photos later and he seems baffled by the faces shes making on them all. I dont think either of us are being horrible stepparents by being irritated by each others kids at times, I think its completely natural and normal and human.