Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this, but if you force DSS to move and he therefore stuffs up his A-levels (or is just miserable elsewhere) then he's likely to resent you/your husband forever. I think that is the sort of thing that can permanently damage a parent-child relationship.

However, DSS is 16 or 17, nearly an adult. Could you discuss the situation with him? If he understood your financial issues, he might be willing to restart his A-levels elsewhere?

No people are suggesting that she gets a job to pay for her daughter's private reception school.

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

It could be viewed as getting a job so her daughter can continue in private school.

I'm a secondary teacher. Please don't pull him out now. You were foolish to send your Dd to private school when you can't afford it. Pull her out and put her back in at secondary if you really want. I think it's very odd to rent and send dc private.

In your position I would just suck it up for one more year, it's not long and you ve come this far. Seems silly to pull him out with only one year left when you have been paying all this time. Could the mum get a job to contribute if she knew you were considering taking him out?

I would keep your DD in state education until year 2 to recoup some of your money and then send her in year 3. Lots of people do that.

@SherryPalmer

It would be really bad to pull DSS out in y12/13 when he has one year left. Pre-Prep isn’t really necessary - your youngest will be fine staying in state education until y3. It really won’t make a difference.

This ^^

Private education for such a young child is absolute madness........ especially when you don't have housing secured.

I'd finish paying off the eldest child's schooling then concentrate on buying a home instead of throwing money that I don't have away on schooling. Kids that come.from loving, supportive homes with engaging parents tend to do well wherever they go.

Suck it up - it's one year and the most important year for your DSS. Your DD can wait 1 yr for private school. Going back to court would be pretty. You can speak to school about bursary.

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

@DecemberSun They're suggesting she get a job to send her DD to private school.

Not remotely ridiculous.

Why doesn't exw work? Surely if her son is in Y12, she can work and contribute to the cost of education. If she chooses not to work, then it's her life style choice as much as her exh's choice to re-marry and have another child with all the additional cost coming with it. I get your pain OP but also think that putting both kids in private while you don't own a house is not very sensible

It’s court ordered. If you want a variation, you’ll need to go back to court.

I echo what others have said pull dc1 from prep for a few years. Gets yourselves in a financially stable position then send her back in Y4. By which time DSS would have finished school and possibly university anyway.

If you're renting, you can't afford for either child to be at private school.

They need to pay (DH and his ex wife) for the son to complete his education there, anything else would be incredibly disruptive and cruel!

Then you need to get the idea of private school for your child out of your head. You just cannot afford it. Prioritise buying a home near a decent school.

If your dss has just one year left - id approach the school and ask if there are any bursaries that would help out due to your circumstances.

Its worth a try and then move and sort out afterward

OP seems to have disappeared. Obviously you need to keep DSS in his school, even if that means moving your own child. It’s a no brainer.

You could manage with "sacrifices" , but you'd rather choose not to with one year left Is this not more about disappointment that your dream for your own dc education being compromised and don't see why dss should fulfil his? Your dh and his ex need to find a way between them.

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

There are 2 sets of school fees and 2 women, at least one of which doesn’t work. OP can get a job and contribute to her child’s fees, ExWife can get a job and contribute to her sons fees.

Or they could put the money towards a house deposit, which would seem way more sensible.

You can move kids from private to state quite happily, if it’s the right time. We had to move our kids out of private to state, and did this when they were 11(end of y6) which was totally fine (best decision yet as they thrived at their comps)

But at y12? That would be quite unfair and gave a massive impact on the boy and his learning

I’d keep him in, for fairness sake, and send the youngest to state primary. She will be fine, with loving supporting parents who read to her.

Then after 3/4 years you can reconsider private school for her

As a very objective position, it sounds to me your DC needs to be removed (and probably should never have started) and DSS should finish his education.

So one DC is in the sixth form, and has already started A levels - given notice periods, you'll have to pay until the end of the summer term - so that's half the time (which means more than half of the teaching time, given that last term is pretty much all revision/study leave/exam).

It would be a hideously disruptive time to move someone - whose GCSEs were Covid disrupted, and depending on how long schools are closed for, might need adapted A levels. Moving mid-course wouid be utterly disastrous for this.

There are only 3 terms to find, and it'll make all the difference in the world to DSS. That's even if it is possible to get the court order changed in time (courts have quite a backlog)

As the other DC for whom DH (and for this one, also you) is responsible for fees is so young and presumably will be in the current school,for much longer, you could ask for a different payment plan, to spread costs of the next year over a longer period.

Because - if the money has really run out - educationally and socially, it is almost a no brainer to pull out the younger child (who has barely been at school) put into state school for a couple of years and then re-enter the private system at 7+, 8+ or whenever else you can afford it.

OP - do you work?
It is an important point to answer.

If the op doesn't work I would suggest she gets a job to fund the education of her child and the dh continues to fund the education of his child as ordered by the court.

The saddest thing in all this is that a boy of 17 is the collateral being used as a pawn in the historic and ongoing bitterness of marital breakdown.

There are four adults in this equation who should ALL be working as a team on this lads behalf in a mature and meaningful way where he is put first.

Op is this a wind-up?

I'm glad your DH isn't going to entertain the idea of pulling his older child out of private school. Kids have had two years of disrupted education unlikely to be back in school this term. And you want to disrupt this child even further.

I actually think you need to have a long look at yourself. Why did choose the house you are in, why did you choose to put youngest into private school? Where was DH is these decisions?

Downsize the house, cheaper area, council school for the 4yo. Pay the last year for DSS / speak with school and ask for help and start saving for your own house.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

Private schools have funds for exactly these situations. No child of that age should have to move school.

Those are prioritised for those who hit hard times due to ill health, death of parent etc, not where there are funds but parents make questionable choices and commitments.

Taking a child out of school at yr12 seems very cruel, especially if it was court ordered to pay by your dh.

DSS should complete his education - it would be very damaging to cause disruption now. Prep school for such small children is unnecessary - your DC should be removed to state school. There really is no contest, in terms of priorities.